"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"
Sunday, January 29, 2012
So, lately I've become obsessed with the "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" series.
Being that I'm a writer, every situation in my life has a backstory. So let me catch ya'll up.
A couple months ago, I was hanging out with friend #1. Friend #1 loved the GDT series, and he was telling me how they just finished the original version of the movies in Sweden and how they were soooooooo good and now they are making the American version and whatnot. None of it made sense to me. From what little I gathered from the plot, it didn't seem like a story series I'd like. Well, A couple weeks ago, I was hanging out with Friend #2. Friend #2 wanted to watch a movie, and we picked GDT, the original. Now, being that I had already made up my judgmental mind about this series that I didn't like it, I obviously didn't want to watch the movie. But whatever. I figured we had nothing else to do and I could at least give it a chance.
So the movie starts, and obviously we soon realize its in Swedish, with English subtitles. So Friend #2 decided he no longer wanted to watch it. However, at that point we were 30 minutes in, and well.....I was sucked in to the series. So I watched the rest of the movie by my lonesome, and it was SO.GOOD. As many of you know, I'm sure.
So after that, I bought the book right away at the airport on the way home from seeing Friend #2, and started reading immediately. Throughout the course of reading, the American version was released and I felt I wanted to see it in theaters while it was out. Then, I decided I was so entirely obsessed with this series, that I had to keep watching. So I instant streamed the entire swedish set onto my netflix account, and watched all of them back to back, in what little spurts of time I had (so naturally it took a couple days to finish).
What the entire point of this blog is, is that I discovered a new language phenomenon. Well, discovered is a strong word. I'm sure really smart people already know about this for a bajillion years now, but I just figured it out so its cool.
Since I had watched the series and nothing but the series (no tv, no other netflix stuff- just the series), I had this really, really strange experience. After it had been off, I decided to go for my weekly run . While running, I literally heard my thoughts in Swedish and my brain "saw" English subtitles for me. Now, granted, my "Swedish thoughts" probably made no actual sense in Swedish, but my brain knew enough after hearing nothing but Swedish language and reading english subtitles along with the language, that my brain was able to string together some Swedish words that it had picked up. But how wicked is that!?
So I sat thinking about this, and realized that the brain also does another neat trick. You get SO wrapped up in the movie plot, that you no longer even REALIZE you're reading English subtitles as you watch the movie. In fact, I forgot entirely that they were even speaking Swedish. My brain didn't even hear the Swedish. I think, the brain is smart enough to adapt. It adapts so that you understand things. And after all this time of reading the English subtitles, my brain got so used to it that it started "forgetting" that it was translating, and my brain "heard" the characters talking in English, because thats what my brain was reading. Does that make any sense?? How crazy is that though? The brain is meant to adapt, its part of the human condition. If it didn't adapt, we would constantly be going crazy that we had clothes on- because our skin nerves wouldn't be able to adapt and "get used to" the fact that we had clothes on our skin all the time. Weird!
So, as a little sidenote, I wanted to share something else pretty funny.
Does anyone else sort of "pick up" the entire movie setting, characters, plot, etc., onto themselves after the movie is done? Particularly good, long movies. Particularly ones with characters we identify with or fall in love with. You find yourself so wrapped up in the movie, that when you leave the movie, you totally feel like you are you're own character in that movie, or maybe you feel like you ARE a character from the movie, subconsciously. For example, ever drive faster and take more stupid risks while driving after watching "The Fast and Furious"? Have you ever felt that you can totally cast a spell on someone if you need to after watching "Harry Potter"? Ever started talking in an English accent after watching Hugh Grant? Ever feel like you live in Europe after some crazy good European movie? Ever felt like a super secret spy after watching "Bourne Identity" or "James Bond"? Ever felt like you had to solve some secret mystery (like where the hell did all the socks go?) after watching "Sherlock Holmes"?
It happens in good books too. After reading a plot nonstop, you suddenly feel like you're in their world. After reading the entire Hunger Games series, I suddenly found myself acting like Kat, trying to survive in the dreaded world. Silly, I know. It lasted for like a day. But still. Does anyone else do this ? I think its fascinating how our minds can get so engrossed like that.
Well, point is- I spent the other day after I finished the "Girl Who Kicked the Hornets Nest" (Last one of the movies), impersonating Lisbeth Salander. Which, is pretty kick ass fun- being that I spent at least half the day with my hoodie up- acting all....moody (in a kick ass way), looking for super-killers in the supermarket, etc...It was awesome.
I hope this is normal and everyone (or at least the great vast majority?) of the human species does this, or at least has done this. If not, you should let yourself try it. Next movie you go to, see if you find yourself subconsciously adapting to the movie after you leave. Its fun.
Thats all for now folks! Off to work tonight, yay.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
At this blog night, I met so many new wonderful people! Editors (of that local paper I love), publishers, writers, and.....obviously, bloggers!! It was very exciting and I was so glad I gathered up the courage to go!
Here is a list of bloggers that came, if you wish to check out bloggers local to me. I owe many of them a huge favor as they have linked over to my blog and gathered me quite a bit of incoming traffic (yay!) over the past couple weeks, so I owe them the traffic back.
- http://savethekales.wordpress.com/ (Healthy eating, love)
- http://lehighvalleywithlove.com/ (very funny!)
- http://lehighvalleyramblings.blogspot.com/ (informational, interesting, political)
- http://johnnysized.com/ (new blogger, determined to lose weight- great blog)
I am missing one blog out of that list, because I am including it right now because it deserves extra attention. I met this blogger that night and was immediately interested in his case. Shane Burcaw is the sweetest, nicest, logical and strongest person I've met in my life thus far. Diagnosed with Spinal Muscular Atrophy, which will eventually kill him all too soon, he has this contagious unique way of laughing and always looking at the glass half full. How many of us have way less problems and look at the glass empty? We should all be taking a huge lesson from Shane.
Visit Shane's blog, "Laughing at my Nightmare", at Laughing At My Nightmare.
Anyway, Shane-with the help of his cousins- is starting a Nonprofit Organization, sharing his blog name, "Laughing at my Nightmare", in order to raise awareness for Spinal Muscular Atrophy , and to generate the general theme of laughing at your problems with optimism. I think this is a wonderful organization just starting out and I was immediately interested. As soon as I got home from the bloggers night, I went to his blog first. It was then I saw they were looking for a logo for the new NPO....So I thought, well- It would be cool to make one but I've never done graphic design or any logo before. But, after giving it some thought for a couple days, I thought- what have I got to lose? I definitely wanted to do my best to be a part of the organization lifting off the ground, even if it was just to donate a design.
So, out of the last three days, I generated two logos I like:
|The Start, letters stenciled.|
I like them both, but again, I know nothing about graphic design. Nothing. No classes, ever. So this is all going by knowledge gathered by watching other companies.
So I just submitted them today. Even if they aren't picked up, I won't be sad because I know it was my first try at a logo. I like it, and thats what matters. Regardless of whatever logo they end up picking, LAMN has WNB's neverending, fullfledged support and I wish him the best. Be sure to go check out his blog and watch his hilarious videos, they will make you smile- I promise.
~A Writer in a Nurse's Body
Again, the link: (in case you missed it)
Laughing at my Nightmare
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Lets just say, work has sucked lately. -_-
Monday, January 23, 2012
The following is a very special case, as I was hired to do this woman's wedding. Then, they liked my company so much that they decided to hire us back to photograph their newborn. And THEN, they liked those pictures so much, that they wanted me to come back to photograph their newborn again, three months later. Now, these pictures came out so phenomenal that I just have to share them with you, because. It's cool. That's all. :-)
|I'm thinking she could win a Gerber baby contest with this one. Just too cute!|
|This one actually I thought was ruined. It came out wrong, blown out, obviously, from the flash. But I played with the contrast a wee bit and got this awesome effect! How cool!|
|The Epic "I'm a model" shot|
That's all! Thanks for checking it out! I hope you find them as cute as I did!
Saturday, January 21, 2012
To explain a little, probiotics are simply the combat for antibiotics. Both, essentially, are needed, and good things. Antibiotics are given to patients who need to fight off a harmful bacteria that is present in their body somewhere. The antibiotics wipe out all bacteria found in the system. However, the body always has a balance of good and bad bacteria. We get both kinds from food breakdown, water, contact, etc. When we are feeling healthy, we have a better balance of good bacteria, they are essentially "Winning". When we start feeling symptoms of an infection, it means the bad bacteria are essentially "winning", so to speak. So when an antibiotic wipes out all your bacteria, its also depleting your good bacteria. Because of this, when you are on antibiotic therapy, you might start to experience unpleasant symptoms (diarrhea, nausea, etc.). To help combat this its really important to replace your good bacteria. How can you do this, might you ask? The answer is probiotics.
Probiotics can be found in many ways. The easiest way for the common population is yogurt. This is easy to tell patients and anyone that doesn't feel comfortable buying a "box/bottle of bacteria". Yogurt just sounds more....easier to stomach? A lot of people don't understand. They think that by purposefully putting bacteria into their system, even if its good, that is harmful. What they don't GET is that you're doing yourself an extreme favor. You think its gross putting good bacteria into your system? What about putting bad bacteria into your system when you drink bad water, or food poisoning, or accidentally put your fingers in your mouth after touching everything? By taking probiotics, you help the "good guys" win inside your body. You help your body restore its natural balance, so the good guys can win the war and keep you healthy.
Now, yogurt is the simplest form. However its also a very small dosage. Also, for people that also firmly believe in the anti-lactose theory, I cannot get probiotics from yogurt. However there are lots of other ways to attain them. Some of the big brands you may have heard of are, "Align", or "Phillips Colon Health", or, what I take and love, "Culturelle". There are also many many other combinations. Each one has their own unique effect and if you do choose to try one, its important to find one that works well with your body. For example, Align and I didn't get along at all. For some reason that strain of bacteria, even though it was good, didn't sit well with me. However Culturelle, what I take, is what I believe to be the cause of my usual good health nowadays.
So, going back to my title, I get really, really really frustrated when my patients are on antibiotics (strong ones at that) and yet they never, ever get replacement probiotic therapy. And then the patients end up with a new strain of bad-bacteria that happens when your good bacteria is depleted, its called c-difficile. This causes extremely unpleasant diarrhea. When you get this, your doctor will give you yet another antibiotic to treat the new bad bacteria, and yet they NEVER mention probiotics! It drives me nuts. Then I try and educate my patients on everything they need to know about probiotics in a nutshell, and they ask me how come their doctor has never told them to do this, and my face usually says it all without saying anything.
However, recently I had a patient on your typical IV(intravenous) antibiotic. After a couple days in the hospital she started developing the typical diarrhea. Now, her family started freaking out- What is this? What is wrong with her now? Why is she having diarrhea?? Can she have imodium?? Well, the MD (doctor) was called to tell him about this new diarrhea, and the nurse prior to me asked if she could have some imodium. His response, much to my surprise, was: "She can have one dose of Imodium but I'm prescribing some yogurt three times a day. I really want to push some probiotics here."
I was. ASTOUNDED. That was the first time, in my life, I've ever heard a doctor push the probiotics. Not just in my small RN career, but as a patient for 22 years with many, many many stomach issues. I almost literally jumped for joy for that doctor. I wanted to call him back myself and say, GOOD JOB! Finally!
I can't even tell you why doctors don't do this automatically, prophylactic. Is it because they aren't educated about it in school? Maybe. I don't know. Is it because they don't "believe" in anything thats not an actual drug? Probiotic therapy can be considered holistic therapy, is that out of their range of practice entirely? Drives me nuts.
On a sidenote, I had a patient recently that was admitted for severe migraines. The doctors were running every test and scan under the sun and they couldn't find any reason for these severe headaches. When I found out they were chronic migraines, I started thinking. I received her as a patient on her third day already in the hospital. When I went in to go see her, I asked her if she had ever seen any specialist for these migraines. A neurologist? A nutritionist? An Allergist? An Opthamologist? Anything? Her answer was no.
So I sat down with her and did a little tiny nutrition consult with her. I went over the top 5 foods that cause migraines. Turns out, she eats all of them. A lot. I taught her ways to take these foods out of her system and how to replace them. I taught her about the benefits to seeing an allergist, and that they can help you figure out if you're actually allergic or intolerant to a type of food that can actually be causing your migraines. I asked about vision, and she said she used to wear glasses until "she didn't need them anymore". I told her she should see an eye-doctor just in case, because your eyes may be straining to see and you don't even know it. However, nutrition alone, the first thing I went over, is enough to fix 85% of her migraines, I can guarantee it. Her and her family asked why, despite her being in the hospital (which everyone believes to be the big savior to all your problems), no doctor has ever told her anything I just did. Again, my response was...........I wish I knew. I can't bash the doctors in for not educating their patients, that is strictly against my range of job description. And yet how do I tell my patient honestly that the doctors didn't tell you this because they don't know? The doctors are so focused on drugs and tests, before something as simple as talking about nutrition. She eats the top 5 foods that cause migraines! Think about it!
Anyway, vent over.
There are some things I just want to go over about probiotics, while I'm still talking about them (well, I was). This is just in case I may have caught your attention and you want to try taking them. Here are some pointers.
- Remember that it is important to find the one that works for you. If you experience unpleasant symptoms from one for a long period of time (more than a week), its time to try another one. Don't give up on them entirely.
- If you've never taken a probiotic before, you most likely WILL get symptoms from them, no matter what brand you choose. This is simply because your body is greeting the new good bacteria, the war has officially begun inside your body, and basically, war isn't pleasant. The good guys will start to win and resulting, expel all the bad bacteria from your body. This will result in some diarrhea, and maybe nausea, but the side effects should disappear after a couple of days. It is important to continue taking them regularly despite symptom occurrence. If you stop taking them, the bad bacteria will start to win again and you'll just be back to square one. By taking them regularly, its like sending in troops to fight the war. By continuously sending in good, healthy new fresh troops to fight, your chances of winning are a lot better.
- Probiotics can help cure much more than just combating antibiotic therapy. Basically, if you are at an overall health status (by this I mean, no infection present), probiotic therapy CAN be your antibiotic therapy. GOing back to my military analogy, if you have a team of 10,000 good-guy troops maintaining an area, (in this case, your body), then if one or two or three bad guys come in to cause trouble, they are going to die instantly. Your gut (stomach, intestines) is actually one of your biggest immune response fighters. By maintaining a healthy gut, your strengthening your immune response exponentially. This means that probiotics will help fend off colds. They will increase your chances of not getting sick when you drink bad water or bad food. They will increase your chances of not getting sick when travelling abroad. Probiotics in general are known for also regulating the bowels, meaning if you had diarrhea- now you won't, and if you were constipated, now you won't be. Basically, bad bacteria cause irregularity of the bowels. Depending on the strain, it causes diarrhea or constipation. The probiotics help reverse either one. By reversing either symptom, it also will exponentially delete any symptoms of nausea as well. Double win!
- It is important to remember that although probiotic therapy is amazing for the immune response, it cannot fight against a virus. It WILL help keep your OWN immune system STRONG so that if a virus DOES enter your body, YOUR own body might be able to fend it off before you even get symptoms. But if you already have a virus, starting a probiotic regime is not going to solve anything. This is why when a friend of mine has a cold, I don't start them on probiotics immediately. I tell them to ride it out, and then start probiotics to maintain health when you are feeling better.
- It is VERY important to realize that although I'm not a terrific huge fan of antibiotics, they are still life-saving in some cases. They are not to be shunned, and if your doctor does prescribe one to you, it is important to take it. I am in no way saying that you shouldn't. HOWEVER, this is when its especially important to take probiotics. If you don't want to go big on them, all you have to do is try some yogurt. Thats all. However the Biggest most Important thing here, is that you do not take both at the same time. DO NOT take your antibiotic pill and your probiotic at the same time, it will cancel each other out and accomplish nothing. It is important that if you are prescribed an antibiotic twice a day, to maybe take your probiotic in between your antibiotic. Regardless of the timing, be sure to space them both out so they both have a chance for your body to react and do their job.
- Once you start probiotic therapy, it is important to achieve a "maintenance dose". This dose should be fairly small (usually one pill a day). This dose is important to take when nothing is abnormal. No weird symptoms going on, you feel healthy, you're not travelling, you didn't eat anything weird, you haven't been exposed to anything funky recently....BUT, if you HAVE done anything I just said, its important to "boost" your dose a bit. Its important to try and figure out what works for your body and how long you need to do it. If I am exposed to someone else being really sick, I'll take maybe two pills a day for however long I'm going to be exposed. If I'm travelling and eating different foods than what I'm used to, I might take two a day, or even up to 4. If I'm starting to feel sick, I'll boost it up until I feel better. Get it?
I think thats all I have to say. Whew! Long post. I hope some of you have found this helpful. I know when I started probiotics, I went from being nauseous every single day to hardly-ever. And when I accidentally skip a day or two, I can tell, because my symptoms start coming back.
It is really important to remember here that I am not a doctor. All the information provided above is from my own personal knowledge and own personal experience. It has not been taken from any website or book, but instead is a collection of knowledge from many sources in my past. It is important to know that if you do choose to start probiotic therapy, that it is your own choice and I am not your doctor. I am a firm believer in them, but that doesn't necessarily mean they work for everyone. If you have any questions about probiotics, feel free to leave a comment. I hope it works for some of you and this wasn't a really boring post.
Thank you all for reading! With love,
Saturday, January 14, 2012
So for Christmas this past year, my parents were thoughtful enough to buy me a "Roku" player, which plays me instant stream of netflix and HuluPlus, primarily. This is excellent being that I miss a lot of primetime TV being on night shift, and now I can watch it on my TV like a normal person and not my phone or computer. Woo!
Point being, I have been streaming a LOT of independent movies from netflix. Recently, in Summer 2011, I discovered a local arts campus near me that plays independent movies, foreign films, documentaries, etc. Every movie I have seen there has been downright amazing, so amazing in fact, that I am appalled why it is not a bigger release. So naturally I have come to love independent movies.
I have seen a lot of them lately because of my need to make up for years of not even knowing this was its own genre. Some of these excellent titles include "Welcome to the Riley's", "Wristcutters:A love Story", "Ten Inch Heros", and "Listen to your Heart", just to name a few. The one I was most intrigued by was "TiMEr", starring Emma Caulfield and John Patrick Amedori.
Intriguing, yes? Yes.
So basically, the movie is set on the premise that if you, in this semi-futuristic placed society, choose to get one of these "Love timers", then you can take the guesswork out of love. No more questioning, "is this worth it?", "Did I marry the right person?", "My time is running out, should I give this relationship more time, or let it go now and give myself time to find someone better?". It ensures accuracy, certainty. Perfect matches. But is that a good thing? What do you think?
Would you get a timer? As for myself, I immediately instinctly thought, "absolutely not. I like to be able to think for myself. Choose for myself. Getting a Timer is no different from joining EHarmony." But then I thought about it. And thought about it some more. I talked about it even. And now I'm writing this blog, so obviously I thought about this unique striking concept a lot.
Lets first talk about the benefits. . .
- No more guesswork, no more unhappiness waiting for a dead relationship to change.
- No more wasting time. Months, years, spent in relationships that go no where.
- Gives you time to put love aside and that's OK. Follow me here. Lets say you got a timer, and it says to you, that you have 4 years, 82 days and 16 minutes until you found your soul mate. If that was my timer, I'd be relieved! In four years I can happily finish my masters, start my doctorate, launch my novel, get published, launch my nursing career, etc. By the time I met "him", I'd be successful (hopefully). I'd be financially stable. I'd be emotionally stable. I'd be a lot more mature. I'd be 27. But in real life, right now, in reality, I'm 23 right now. Yes, I'm young, but I'm getting old enough that each person I meet that is a potential boyfriend, I have to think- Is it worth pursuing further? Is this worth my time? No more fruitless dating. No more saying yes to a four year relationship right now if its not going to lead to something. Time is running out. Maybe it would be nice to have that all figured out for me.
- It would lower the divorce rate, in the long term. If people were soulmates, then why would they ever have to get divorced? However, the divorce rate would skyrocket in the short term when they first came out and people realized they weren't soulmates with their spouses.... not good. Or good? Hmm.
Negatives of the TImer:
- The guesswork in love is half the FUN! The guesswork is the butterflies! Its the part that makes you smile at all hours of the day. Its the uncertainty that really makes you think about the person and then say, YES, he/she is the one! C'mon, if we all got timers, how is that any different than being matchmaked by a Yenta? Or retrograding our society back to a time where our parents traded our daughters off to suitors for money? And the young couple "learned to love each other"? How is that any different?
- On that same note....In the movie, the main dilemma is that while this girl is waiting for her timer to go off, she falls in love with this other male. They are what you call typical, American, have-a-good-time love. But they have fights. They aren't perfect. They aren't perfect for each other, that we know for sure. But then she finds her soul mate, a complete stranger that she has never met. So is she now just supposed to leap into strangers arms and run off into the sunset because a little machine says to? Who's to say whose love is more real, the timers choice or her own?
- I think the Timer would make for some awfully sad situations. Lets say two soul mates marry, and they know they are soul mates, because of this timer. But one dies. Now the widow knows she will never truly find another soul mate, never truly find love again, because her real soul mate died. Whereas the way I like to look at the world, is that if you lose love (through divorce, death, etc.), it is possible to fall in love again. Absolutely. You just have to let your heart heal. But its possible. But what if you knew you already had your one time chance? Then what?
- Would you seriously want your timer to go off with a stranger, on a random day, and then.....awkwardness...You're just supposed to drop everything and start dating? What if you do "fall in love" (chemically), with this person, but you hate who the person actually is? You hate what they do, their habits, etc. Sometimes, the way it goes in real life, is we fall madly in love with people we hate. And we can't help it. And we hate our selves for it.
- As a dilemma also presented in the movie, is the problem that not everyone in any society can be forced to adapt to any one practice. Therefore, not everyone in the film has a timer device. This presents a problem, as it is pretty much pointless (according to them) to date someone without a timer, if you do have a timer, because your timer won't go off for them unless they have one too. So you're back to square one. If they have no timer, you have to guess. Back to guesswork. So maybe you'll move on. But what if your soul mate never gets a timer, and your "real" soul mate was that person you let go because they didn't have one?
Am I making any sense? :-)
Basically, I honestly can't decide if I would get one or not. Maybe. Probably. But thats just because I'm 23. I wouldn't encourage a 12 year old to get one (this is featured in the movie). I firmly believe teenagers are supposed to date around. They shouldn't meet their soul mate that young. Its healthy to see what all the fishies are like before you find your own fish. But finding your soul mate in your 20s, after *unsuccessfully* dating a plethora of fish? I think I could see the reasoning behind that.
What do you guys think? I really wanna know your thoughts. ALSO, go see the movie! Its instant streamable on Netflix. :D
~A Writer in a Nurse's Body
PS- Should I make a separate page of reviewing all of these fantastic independents I see? Hmm...
Friday, January 13, 2012
So I have to have balance. And that is hard to find, especially on night shift. Because on top of it all, on a work day, on a off-day, on a normal day, on a not normal day, I'm tired. I'm tired when I slept all day to recover from the previous night shift. I'm constantly yawning. So I want to crawl into bed. The bed, all the sudden, becomes the number one priority and I just can't wait to crawl back in, day after day, always looking for the next opportunity that I can sleep and I'm allowed to sleep.
So, I have to figure something out, I guess. Each day, I try to accomplish a mission on my neverending to-do list. Something I've been procrastinating, putting off. Something I've been afraid to do or finish. Each one of these tasks that I accomplish, life gets a little better and I can sleep better, knowing that at least I accomplished something small that day. Anything.
I know that this lifestyle is worth it. That I'll get through it. That despite the above depressing three paragraphs, that I am in here and I am going to be OK. It's winter. I'm on night shift. I see the sun 5% of the time it is out. I am practically a vampire. I like to follow the delusion that I am reacting normally, and I'll be fine. I definitely don't plan to be on night shift for long.
I know its worth it because I help people at work. I know I do. Its the hardest job I have ever done thus far, and who knows, maybe the hardest division of nursing. Floor nursing.
I am getting better every day. Every shift. I learn something new every day at work. I am slowly developing a bag of skills and tricks to use to make me a better nurse in the future. Other nurses have told me they forget that I'm new, and forget that they need to help me at times, because they think I'm good. And that is good, I guess, but it makes it hard. I like figuring things out, I like solving problems for patients. I like making ethical decisions. I can't wait to be a seasoned experienced nurse so that I can do all those things, except better. I try and solve problems now, and I do, but in 10, 20 years....I can exponentially solve those problems even better. I can't wait to have those extraordinary skills. That "nursing instinct". To know what is wrong with my patient without even them running a test. I want that.
I'm doing fabulously better with communication with doctors. Extraordinary. I never thought I'd say this, but the problem went from being 95% of a problem to nearly 5%. I learned pretty quickly that, 1) Doctors signed on to be called at the randomest of times when they took an oath be a doctor, that 2) if they don't want to be called, they'd have hospitalist/residents cover for them, and 3) in the heat of the moment, you don't have time to be nervous to call the doctor, you just have to call and 4) it is your JOB to at least call the doctor and make them aware.
So thats not a problem for me anymore.
What is my current problem? The simple, mundane task of starting an IV. I am not getting them. The one thing I thought I'd be good at, the one thing I thought I'd enjoy doing....I'm just not getting it. I'm not getting the best veins to go for in the first place. I see everyone as a "hard stick" unless they have bulging veins I could put a 18 G in. Its my number one thing I'm afraid of. I know this fear will go away by practicing. But practicing sucks for your victims. I hate hurting people. I hate having to stick people just so I can get practice, and then not getting the stick and having to send better nurses in. But, I'm still only 3 months old. I'll get it. In time. Just have to....keep practicing.
Other than that, I just have to learn new things yet. I have to just wait for new experiences.
I'm still afraid to have my first Code, or even first CAT/ RRT call. I'm trying to avoid my first Code BY calling the CAT/RRT before the Code. I try to do my best by remembering everything about my patient all the time so that in the unfortunate a code or CAT/RRT call happens, I can tell the team everything they need to know....but I'm still pretty scared.
The worst part of it all is the anxiety. The insomnia. Every time i do try and sleep, my entire shift replays in my head. Did I cross my T's and dot my I's? Did I remember to waste all the drugs in the machine. Did I remember to chart about everything I did? These thoughts race through my head. My entire shift gets repeated, constantly, in my head, just waiting for a mistake for me to realize I did, so that I don't get any sleep. I hope that 1) this is normal for new nurses and 2) this will go away soon....its exhausting and definitely not contributing to restful sleep.
Well, I work tonight. Every shift I have to make myself a better nurse, somehow. I remember always having a back up plan in school, like- "If I don't pass this test, or if I fail out of the program, what am I going to major in next? What will I do?" Well I passed school, I graduated, I got a job now. Obviously. But the confidence still isn't there. I'm still constantly conjuring up a back up plan. Is that detrimental to my career? I'm constantly thinking, "If I get sued so bad I can't practice anymore, or If I got fired, or If I got laid off, or lost my license, what would I do with my life? Would I be able to move on? To do something else? To maybe follow my real dream, art?" I think these thoughts are detrimental.
But anyway. Time to get some shut-eye before tonights shift. Sorry, depressing post. But it helped, a lot. Got a lot of my current anxious thoughts out of my head. Look forward soon to a happy post. With photography. And artwork. And a movie review! Coming up! :-)
PS- Don't worry about me, I'll be alright. I promise :-)
Thursday, January 5, 2012
I'm not tired.
I'm not tired.
I'm not tired.
I'm not tired.
Lets check facebook. Okay. Facebook checked.
I'm not tired.
I'm not tired.
I'm not tired.
IM SO WIDE AWAKE WHY.
I'm not tired.
Lets turn to the other side.
Back to the other side.
Im not tired.
I''''mmmmm nooooooooooot tirrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeddddddddd.
I'm not tired.
Is it too early to get up? yes. No getting up. Go back to sleep.
Sleeeeeep. Just close eyes.
KEEP THEM CLOSED!
Stop checking facebook. No, nothing new has been posted.
Close your eyes again. Keep them closed.
Think About sheep. Think about anything.
I'm not tired.
I'm not tired.
I'm not tired.
*alarm goes off*
I. AM.SO. FRIGGEN. TIRED.
WHY DO I HAVE TO GET UP.
MY BED IS SO COMFY,
AND I AM SO TIRED.
LOOK AT ALL THIS YAWNING.
ITS BECAUSE IM EXHAUSTED.
I REFUSE TO GET UP.
I MUST PRESS SNOOZE APPROX 5 MORE TIMES.
BECAUSE I AM TIRED. SO SLEEPY.
I COULD LITERALLY FALL ASLEEP ANY MINUTE RIGHT NOW.
sigh. This is my life.
Monday, January 2, 2012
1) Have at LEAST half of my book #1 completely written by 2013. Part of me wants to say write the whole book by 2013, but....I'd rather be proud of myself for accomplishing a resolution than to not because I set the standard too high. So, yeah. Half the book. I think this is definitely possible.
2) I need to learn how to go with the flow....I'm 23, I have to stop trying to PLAN everything. Stop trying to overanalyze everything and just......be. Just do. Accept new challenges. Accept new people in my life. Do new things. Play new sports.
3) I want to really focus this year on becoming a much better nurse. I want to do a lot of research on my practice, and really better myself in unique abilities. My hospital is offering the position of a "wound care champion" that I might look into. It would be nice to be exceptionally good at at least one thing among the amazing nurses I work with.
4) Along with number 3, in general (in nursing and in life), I need to learn to be more confident in my abilities. In my self. In my knowledge. In my instincts. This is really hard. I need to trust myself.
5) I need to learn how to COOK! Not just any cooking, but I need to learn how to cook in general and cook for lactose intolerance specifically. So, I really need to get on this because right now my food groups consist of: Rice, beans, chicken, chinese food, fish & chips, vegetables, chicken tenders, fries, and smoothies. So, More variety needed? Yess.
6) I need to learn how to love again. But at the same time, I need to learn how to just be ok with me. I need to get to know myself better before I let myself attach to anyone else at this point. I feel like right now, when I "attach" to someone, or see someone, they are dating an empty vessel of a girl that needs to figure out a lot right now. I am in here, I promise. Just need to work on my firewall right now, let people in. Its a new year. New beginnings. Let our endings go. Forever, and ever, and hit the ground runnin! Woo.
7) I already am doing this, but I want to draw a LOT more. I already have drawn so much since school let out and I love it. I also want to do more with my photography this year. Like sell it. Big time. :-) On that note, look for a photography post sooN! I am WAY overdue!
Thats it. Short and sweet.
Have a good new year, ya'll! With love,