"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"
Saturday, April 30, 2011
But what are you supposed to do? What are you supposed to do when you see someone that you've been dreaming about, but you're too shy to say hello?
Are you supposed to let love happen, or go after it?
Are you supposed to let it happen like in the movies, where you both bump into each other (literally) and papers go flying, and he helps you pick them up, and your hands magically touch....or your car breaks down, and he magically comes to help you fix your car on the side of the road, or you both reach for the same pineapple in the grocery store....
...Those would all be perfect and easy ways to fall in love. But what if he is across the room, and you're still on the other side? You cannot think of any logical non-insane way for you to "magically meet". Are you supposed to throw all movie-induced fake fantasies aside, and just walk up to them and say hello, I think you are the hottest guy I've ever met, and I want to mate with you for ever? Like a penguin? I think that would not go over well, in my opinion. If someone said that to me, based off my multiple psych experiences, I would be seriously concerned for their mental health.
So naturally I expect any guy that I go up to and say that, to be really weirded out and I lose all chance.
So how do you do it? Past relationships have been the type where we met in hell (high school) class, the other was introduced by a friend.
I guess for now I'm going to still wait for the magical meet-up. Until I hit 30. Then its getting late. Then I will have to start just saying hi and go with the whole penguin talk thing.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Me: what's the fighting about?
Boy: we want to watch tv.
Boy: I want to watch Thomas and she wants to watch cailou.
Me: well she already got to watch cailou today before her nap, so we can watch Thomas.
Boy (to his sister): see, we are going to watch a LOT of Thomas and VERY LITTLE of cailou.
He then proceeded to say this 3 more times, in case she didn't get the message the first time. Ouch.
Boy is later sitting, playing with trains. I sit next to him, waiting for an acceptable train I can play with.
Boy: I want to play trains alone.
Me: oh. Okay.
I go sit on couch, a couple feet away. I whip out my cell phone to answer a couple texts. He sees phone (he has this odd obsession with my phone- he saw me playing a game on it once an now thinks the whole thing is a game). He comes and sits on my lap, starts touching phone.
Boy: I LOVE playing with you!
*we are all outside playing bubbles. I blow the bubbles, they both try and pop them while running after them*
*I blow bubbles and 4 year old, like a football player, decides to plow through everything insight, including his sister, to get this stupid bubble. He knocks his sister flat on her behind.*
Me: We do not run over things, including people, to get the bubbles!
Boy: Why not?
Me: do you have to pee?
4 year old: I just did!
4 year old: before! When you were here last time!
Me: that was last week. Do you have to pee-pee now?
4 year old: nooooooooooo.
Me: are you surreeee?
4 year old: noooooooooooo.
Me: well do you want some juice?
4 year old: nooooooo-umm, yeah.
(earlier this morning, during breakfast. I
Boy: I want syrup.
Girl: I Dont want syrup.
Later, boy is playing with syrup and his waffles.
Girl: I want syrup!!
Me: okay, but before you said you didn't want syrup.
*I get the syrup.*
girl: I DON'T WANT SYRUP!!!!!!!
^^I'm just confused.
*I'm getting them both dressed to go outside. I always start with the two year old girl first. But by the time I get in there, she has her socks AND shoes AND coat halfway on. This girl is determined. Meanwhile, I gave 4 year old simple assignment of putting on his socks. This shouldn't have been hard. *
Me (walking into boys room, he doesn't even have one sock on yet. And he's trying.) : You haven't put your socks on yet?
Boy (trying really hard to pull them on, but they are backwards): Mommy always does this for me.
Me: Am I mommy?
Boy: No. But you can still put my socks on.
Me: *getting frustrated, its nearing the last hour of my scheduled 8.5 hours* "C'mon now, you're two year old sister has mastered this."
Boy: I know, i know, I can sometimes put my socks on. But not when they are rough and slow. And these socks are in the middle.
^ I don't know. I just dont know, lol.
Another babysitting day today. Joyous. So I usually let them reign terror in terms of playing because in my opinion, it's easier to clean up one big mess than to continuously nag them all day to clean up every mess. Which I even did, but they seriously just blatantly ignore me. So based on the picture above, at the end of the day...I'm like-seriously?? And this was taken after I fixed an overturned chair ottoman thing.
My parents always had my sister and I cleaning. Naturally, I therefore grew up to hate cleaning up toys, but I still naturally do it. I have this OCD thing about it now. But I cannot get these kids to clean if my life depended on it. Here are some clever tries, but to no avail:
Me: are you guys cleaning in there? (after I asked them too 10 minutes ago while I'm making lunch)
4 year old- "nooooooooope."
(later in day)
Me: let's have a cleaning contest! Who can pick up the most toys??
4 year old: "not me. Ask my sister though she can."
Me: are you cleaning?
4 year old: noooo. I'm too busy playing.
*I start to pick up toys myself*
boy: HEY! I am playing with that!
Me: You haven't played with it in over an hour. You're playing with the farm animals over there.
Boy: Well now I'm playing with this.
Me: Okay. I'll go clean up the farm animals.
Boy: If you clean up one more toy, I will make this whole room dirty!
^ I stopped cleaning up after that. I don't get paid enough for that.
Me: can you help me pick up the Legos?
4 year old: "but I didn't even mess up the Legos!"
Me: well, sometimes we have to help clean up messes that other people make.
Boy: this is so unfair.
I agree little man, I agree.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
This makes me like.....a ninja.
You should have seen me go. It was epic.
It all started when I *heard* one in my room ( I HATE THE SOUND THEY MAKE).
Now let me have you know that I am the type of person that will usually injure herself in efforts to get away from a stinkbug. I will run/duck/hide faster than you can even say stinkbug. However, I usually send in one of my valiant parents to save the day (despite me being 22). Tonight however, no parents. No anyone. Just. Me. And. Stinkbug.
So I did what any logical 22 year old would do. The bug was blocking my exit from my room, so I had to hide. Underneath my blankets. Let me illustrate:
I grabbed a magazine to help swat at it if it tried to break my blanket defenses. I also, in reflex of course, grabbed my phone so I could text outsiders to come help. I desperately texted my (valiant) father, asking his ETA to home. Response? 20 minutes. That was TOO LONG.
Meanwhile, I REALLY needed a shower. So I peeked out from underneath my blanket and watched the stinkbug fly in circles around my fan and the pretty lights so much so that I was convinced this was all a ploy of his to get my hypnotized, or something equally crazy. THEN, the fan SWAT him because I turned it on high speed and these stink bugs are just so stupid and KEEP FLYING INTO THE FAN. So, It was dead. So I thought......
So It was safe to take a perfectly stinkbug-free shower. I get my towel and walk into the hallway. THEN, I HEAR ANOTHER F*&$*#( STINKBUG. So I jumped and yelped and did the boogy dance (to shake off any stinkbug that landed on me, of course). And I ran into my parents room for safety. THEN, ANOTHER STINKBUG APPROACHED! ITS LIKE A CONSPIRACY! Or, It was the same bug, following me. Two equally scary possibilities. So I realized I had to stand up to them, with language. . .
After I was done screaming at it, I closed my parents door to trap it inside. As for the hallway one, it was no where to be found. After that I ran valiantly into the shower, checked the whole bathroom for stinkbugs and proceeded to take a very nice shower.
I get back into my room and get dressed. As I'm brushing my hair, (thinking the first stinkbug died in his stupid attempt to continuously hit the stupid fan), WHAT DO I SEE BUT THE DAMN (INJURED) stinkbug on my TAPE DISPENSER.
Thats when scared pathetic me realized It was really time for this to end. I ran (valiantly) into my sisters room where the house vacuum was, and brought it to my room. Plugged it in, and went at it....
Since that was such a success, I decided to venture out, weapon in hand. I FOUND the hallway one. Got it. Success #2. TIme to open my parents bedroom door. I went in, weapon ready. Looked (valiantly and carefully) for the stupid bug, and FOUND IT on my moms shirt (ew). I thrust my vacuum secret weapon at it and it FLEW AWAY. So I retreated back to the door, and went back in when I heard its stupid wings land again. Stupid thing went back to the same shirt. This time, I was not going to fail. I so got that sucker.
Then my dad finally, came home.
If you need my services, call me. ;-)
Yes, This is what I do in my free time.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
I am really bothered that Obama just felt compelled to present his birth certificate to the country in order to finally prove his citizenship status. Like seriously, wtf? He really felt that much pressure from our citizens? He felt he had to present it so the harassment would stop? Our country is composed of morons if we pressured him to have to do such a demeaning task. But whatever.
Day 2 of Face-book -free: SUCCESS! :-)
Smart Growth Walking Community
So I am sitting in my college's health services today, and since they are exceedingly inconsiderate of your time, I had the extreme pleasure of waiting an hour to see the NP, after my set up appointment time. My time was 3:45, and I was seen at 5. So, more than an hour. Complete monkey business.
Anyway, being that I was too lazy to get off the couch and read a magazine, I resorted to watching the same TV reel of "news in the health" on the "Healthy TV". OK, the TV is not healthy. It just plays clips of these "newscasters" that delve into health issues plaguing America. Since the majority of the school is not a nursing major, they cater these programs to non-medical students, so naturally they are easier to understand, and more annoying. However, this one program came on that interested me very much.
It first began to talk about how, in a certain community in the mid-west (somewhere near Chicago), many of the residents were being plagued with heart disease, diabetes, etc. But it was nearly all of them, an extremely high percentage. So these health profession epidemiologists set out to travel to this time to see what the heck was going on in this town. Well, surprisingly what they found was that these residents did not have a simple grocery store near them for a 45 minute drive-radius! This seemed unfathomable to me, as there are....at least five within a five minute drive from my school (2 shoprites, a Stop & Shop, Wegmans, and a super walmart), and by my house there is a shoprite and a stop & shop literally right across from each other on opposite sides of a minor highway. Like, people walk to and from each. So, it seemed CRAZY that people in a community would have to drive so far for something I see as simple as a grocery store. One of my girlfriends lives in a very rural part of NJ, up north. I know for a fact she drives 20 minutes to get to her A&P, and 50 minutes for a Wegmans. So, I guess I knew that it was out there....but a 45 minute trip to get groceries? Every time?
Resulting, the people in this community don't make that trip often. Some of them don't have the resources to make that trip (a car, gas for the car..money to shop in a grocery store in general...). So what ends up happening is they shop at local liquor stores for drinks, convenience stores for vegetables in cans, and oh- GUESS WHAT. THis study found SEVEN fast food restaurants within that same 45 minute radius, all closer than any grocery store. IMAGINE THAT.
So, you can just guess what these people are eating. No wonder why these people have horrible health status.
So, the city was working on convincing supermarkets to move in closer. I guess the supermarket industry felt they couldn't survive there. Sad. What this program proved, is that supermarket sells produce, fresh fruits, veggies, fresher foods on shelves, healthier and a broader set of options...which leads to healthier people. So that's good.
The program then led to a new but similar segment discussing something new they are coining a "smart community" or a "walking community". What they are doing is setting up communities across the country that make it possible for families to live in a community where they can realistically live, grocery shop, exercise together, leisure shop, read in a library, go to school, church, etc. Everything is fairly walkable too. Resulting, I am not sure how many people they could fit in such a community as all the things listed above makes for a large space already. So I'm not sure how its actually working. And its probably pretty expensive to live in, especially if there are limited spaces. However, we are on to a very smart idea! I am definitely intrigued!
The website above leads you to demonstrate more on what I am talking about. But this is truly fantastic. Not only are you providing community residents healthy food, but you are encouraging them to walk everywhere AND providing actual exercise space! Because we all know exercising is more fun if you can do it with everyone you love! (Rather than driving to a cold gym in which you are self conscious and know no-one). So, yay! Just imagine, you could have a track...an Olympic pool, a tennis court set, volleyball....a baseball field? A skating rink for skateboarders? Am I dreaming too big? Think about it. It would get your KIDS out and about, you could let your kids out without constantly worrying where they are.
In my neighborhood, walking is accepted and encouraged. But what fun is walking if you just walk in a circle with no actual purpose other than to walk? I would never ever, ever, try to walk to even the nearest convenience store, let alone school or church or a grocery store. I wouldn't even BIKE there. In these communities, they don't walk in circles. They have purpose. They get their exercise in without even realizing it!
So, what do you guys think about these smart communities? How close of a drive is your nearest supermarket? I would really like to know more!
~A Writer in a Nurse's Body
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
I am having a hard time deciding what is harder, when withdrawing from an addiction: The very first day, or the days to come after?
If you think about a drug addiction, your first day might not be so bad when withdrawing. You still have a little in your system and you start to notice effects, but its not until the 2nd or 3rd day until you really start having serious physical and emotional effects.
This morning I woke up and I kid you not, my first thought was--Facebook. Check facebook. I always check Facebook in the morning. But last night I deleted the app on my phone (I can always get it back), and I logged out on my computer...so it wasn't up for me to see in the morning.
Overall, the day went well though. I thought about it a lot. I wanted to see if I had notifications. What other people were up to on FB. I have been talking to some special certain people a lot lately on FB, through chat, status comments and what not- And its weird not having that daily contact...
First upsetting challenge arose when I went to a special event tonight (it was so lovely!) and of course, my friends took tonsss of pictures. I always love to see how they came out, and as always, I can expect to see myself tagged that night or the next day. I want so badly to check in on FB to see these pictures, not only to see if I look horrid and can untag, but just also because I like to see them. But, I shall see them in a week, they will still be there.
One week. Thats my goal. I think a lot is going to happen in one week... but, Day 1: Completed.
As for updates on the rest of my life, the event tonight was so lovely. I received a nursing scholarship in the beginning of the year, and tonight was a chance to meet our donors and say thank you, and whatnot. Well, my college went all out. It was catered, open bar, the president (of our school) came and spoke, and we got pictures with our dean of our separate schools within the school. Yay! Yay my college did something nice for us! And also, on a sidenote, this morning we came to class and we had a day long full of "outcomes testing" (they see how smart we are now as opposed to sophomore year of nursing). The projected time we had to do this was 9-2, right through lunch (blech). But to our suprise, when we arrived there was a lovely table full of muffins, bagels, juice, coffee and tea! How nice! :)
And then, during the middle of testing, our ceiling in the hallway starting gushing out water (I kid you not, it was a waterfall). Except, it wasn't water.......................................................................................................................................................................................it was pee. Some plumbing pipe completely burst, and yes, pee was all over our floor. Lots and lots of pee.
It was so funny to see how many of my fellow nursing students wanted to gag or throw up, or were constantly complaining, or wanted to go see the damage, and I'm sitting here thinking, "Guys....were kind of used to pee, aren't we?" *sigh* People just make such a big deal of things.
however, TOMORROW IS MY LAST CLASS EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IS THIS REAL LIFE????
Its gonna be EPIC. I hope. and....WEIRD.
Health update: I officially do NOT have Celiac Disease! Woot! So I can officially eat gluten products without a guilty conscience and thinking I am killing myself, or just my gut at least. I have been genetically tested, and I do not have the gene.
I have been feeling 97% better lately, too. Last week I thought I was dying (literally) and it almost came down to another ER trip...twice. It came down to the point where I was really glad to be going to WORK because I knew I'd be safe in a hospital. Instead of calling out, like I so wanted to do- I thought, "Well, if I collapse at home, the ambulance will take forever to get here, and no one will know I'm even here dying. But If I collapse at work, I will be in the ER within like...three minutes." So, I went to work.
But, thanks to a heavy dose of Prilosec, Culturelle (probiotic), Vitamin B12 (A lot!), Vitamin D ( alot), and D-Ribose (energy supplement), all prescribed by my new holistic practitioner, I am feeling so totally back to normal now. Which is funny because "feeling good" doesn't feel "normal" as I am so used to my normal being nauseated. I still have my tiny occasional bouts of nausea, but nothing that green tea can't fix. Also, my energy level is completely back up to par! I don't have to take naps (as many!) anymore! I don't have this constant exhaustion in my head anymore! I don't spend every waking second thinking about the next time I can go back to sleep anymore!
yayayayayayaaaaaaaaa I feel better! Can you tell based on how my writing changes? You can sense my awakeness, can't you?? Problem is, It's 11:38.
I think thats all I can update you on. One. More. Class. Then, packing til my arms fall off, then moving out!! Ah! What!!!!!!
Goodnight, little earthlings. Thanks for reading my crazy crazy random stories and updates!
I think I need a facebook hiatus.
I wonder if I could actually do it?
I mean....I literally check facebook all the time. the problem is, its on my phone. I get constant notifications. When I'm bored, I reload my facebook page from my phone and see what everyones up to. I constantly recheck for notifications. So in order to do this I'll have to take away my facebook app for a little while.
I think I may shoot for a week. I'll probably last a week. Or an hour.
I just keep making myself depressed everytime something stupid comes on my Newsfeed that I really didn't care to see.
I thought I'd be ready to face all this, but turns out- Not as ready as I thought.
I wish I could just pull an "eat, pray, love" and go to india for a year and just meditate, read...not bring my phone. Not bring a computer...
I never, ever, ever, thought I'd ever say that. But, I never thought I'd feel like this either.
Whenever I heard of someone going on a facebook hiatus, I thought...well, thats no fun. How can you give up facebook? How will i TALK to you?? I thought they were crazy. That they were just shutting down from the world and doing it via facebook. And maybe thats what I'm doing? I don't know. But now it makes sense. I understand why people leave facebook sometimes now. Why they need a break...I guess everyone reaches that moment a point in their lives.
This is definitely not going to last. But I'm gonna try. Its going to be really hard. But lately, seeing certain things come up on feed has been even harder. And I can't even complain. I can't even say anything. Its not my place in even the slightest bit.
Tomorrow. I'm gonna start trying this. I'll keep you updated.
PS_ Im not going to do one of those farewell status' thats all like "Im leaving facebook for _____this long, text me if you need me!" because 1) thats lame and 2) it really just adds so much fuel to the already burning fire. I need a lot of things but certainly no more fire.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Okay don't get me wrong. I LOVE England. LOVE. I just don't get how in America, it has become a constant craze. Its all I hear about! Its all over the news! Its everywhere! For a minute there I thought I lived in England! Is this being so publicized in other countries as well??
I left the house, and turn on the radio in the car to hear some tunes, and what comes on? Wedding, wedding, wedding. Whats Kate wearing? What celebrities are going? What are they wearing?? What are they going to do at the reception? Is Kate throwing a bouquet? Then they had a call-in contest to see who could win tickets to be a VIP at the royal wedding. ...
Well, I called 24 times. Lol. I guess despite the obsessive craze and all its annoyingness, I really wanted those tickets.
Too bad I didn't even get through. :-(
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Hey guys, so this guy is someone I have never actually met, but know a family member of his very, very well. She showed me his site a couple years ago and I have been hooked ever since. This guy is seriously one of the best I have ever come across. From the first picture I've seen of his, my first thought was, "This work is so....different. I have never seen anything like this before."
Its the kind of photography where it makes me, as a photographer, think I will never be that good. Like, yeah, I thought I was good but I am the amateur of amateur in comparison to him. Somehow magic just pours out of his camera.
So...go check it out! I love all his photos, but the most recent blog entry I love especially. Just exquisite...
It all started yesterday. I got report of the following on her "She has been awful all day. Thank god there is a psychiatric attendent in there because she is impossible to deal with." So, awesome. So I conveniently dodged the first couple call bells from her room, but it was alas time for me to go in there. I had to relieve the attendent so she could go on break. So its all me in there with this lady (we don't even know what psych disorder they have) its all up to us to just....guess? Wing it? Go with the flow?
So the first thing she says to me is this, "Oh! So nice! Finally! A Jewish Girl! They finally sent me a Jewish girl! Oh, you are so nice." She went on to tell me that this hospital is full of Nazi's and all these blond people are German and they are making her nervous.
First of all, I'm not Jewish. I don't even think I look Jewish. But I certainly was not going to take away that misconception if that meant causing irritation. So I sat with her a couple minutes with her and got my initial assessment in. I realized she knew darn well what she was talking about. All her information later checked out to be correct. She also was no fool and she was diligently watching everything. And I mean everything. She also had this errie sixth sense where she knew things about people that I really don't know how she knew. *Sidenote: She diagnosed me with a thyroid problem, I'm low in Vitamin D, I'm anemic (She said I look like a vampire and my hands are too cold), and that I should get my kidneys checked out. * Lol. I'll look into that.
ANother SIde Note: The elder psychiatric patients, most commonly schizophrenics, but I have seen others, are always reallllly smart. They all studied at major universities in exquisite majors. Like my patient today, they tell brilliant stories of their younger years of travelling the world and studying. This really makes me to never want to be brilliant and smart, ever.
From that conversation on, I went in the room periodically to do my job (blood sugars, vitals, etc.) Each time she was delighted to see me. She would be talking very nicely to me, in normal conversation tones, and then someone would come stop in to say hi that she knew and she would scream at the top of her lungs to "get lost you crazy Mother F*****", and then continue on talking nicely to me. For Shits and giggles, after he left, I asked, "Is he German?" and got an "Obviously." in response.
Today was a little bit of a different story. She was missing an attendant all morning due to a lack of communication and travelling mishap. However, she was perfectly content, well-behaved, and preferred being by herself. However, due to a fixing of the lack of communication, her psychiatric aide showed up. Well, this caused all hell to break loose. Long story short, this patient is about to be a Code Grey (Security) because she is literally throwing things at people (she threw a bedpan at the aide) and storming around the room. On the plus side, she called security for us, meant to be against us, not realizing that they would surely come up against her. I happened to be busy in another patient room at the time and could hear the screaming through both doors shut. I asked, "She's been fine without an aide all morning. Do we really need one?" And I got back, "Yeah, so we can teach her that if she acts up and starts screaming, she gets what she wants and doesn't have to have an attendant?" ....."Good Point."
Well, the aide eventually left and one of our aides had to sit with her instead, while I went on break. I got back, and heard that she was refusing all treatment (meds, blood sugars, everything).
I waited for her to calm down a little, and then went in- asked if I could grab her blood sugar, She says "Absolutely, my dear." So I got that. So the current aide asked if we could switch since the patient liked me. So I decided to sit with her on the 1:1. Thats when I began to realize that I was the only one she was listening to. Then it hit me: Borderline Personality Disorder.
I specifically remember from psych lectures that the key trait of BPD is manipulation to a certain staff member. They will praise you, pick you out, only listen to you, cause hell for everyone else, ask for you, and then...start asking for you to do things. Then, she starts expecting you to have all magical powers and answers for her. When you can't do something or you are not there, all hell breaks loose.
So, this is why I don't work on a psych ward. Never ever ever, thank you. I can manage perfectly fine on my own when need be, but I will never prefer it or willingly ask to be on a psych ward.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Anyway, they have nothing to do with each other. As I said this morning, they are just a collection of tidbits from the past week that I have collected to share with you.
Does anyone know what this has anything to do with anything? I don't.
When I babysit the little four year old, I can usually understand *mostly* everything he says. I have a hard time understanding diction when like...normal people talk, and its even harder to not only understand what a young child is saying, but to then understand what he means by what he's saying. But I've gotten a LOT better at it. Last year at this time, If i didn't understand what either of them wanted, I would just give up and let them cry until they gave up or I figured it out. But now I can get it by watching their mannerisms too, the context of the situation and listening for diction better. And, they are getting older and easier to understand. The other day we were playing with his train set and he kept asking me to "click on the train over there to make it go choo choo" and I was like....why does he keep going back to the "clicking"? Then I realized that the father bought him a Thomas the Tank Engine computer game, and it all made sense. So working with kids, half of the game is just going with the flow. I think thats an important lesson for nursing, too, doncha think?
Anyway, today I came across something that I was just like....what?
He is getting into the stage where when he is pissed at me, which happens often, he fancies screaming, "SLUGGERLOG!!!!" or sometimes he mixes it up with "SLUGGERHORN!" Does any one that works with kids and kids products know what this is? Or if you say it outloud, does it sound like something else he might be saying?
It's probably from a TV show he's seen, or a movie....or something he picked up from a game or something. I will NEVER underestimate the power of TV on a child's brain. For the better but mostly for the worse.
So, here's my ethical dilemma. He is using the word as a demeaning sentence to me. If he were an adult equally pissed off, he would substitute SLuggerlog with something we consider to be a "curse" word. But he doesn't know any curse words. Yet. But he is using it as one, just without realizing it. Sometimes he would call me specifically a sluggerlog, and sometimes he would just shout it out in frustration. So can you punish a child for saying that, even if 1) you don't know what it actually means, and 2) its not really a bad word, just a....confusing word?
Can you punish a child for calling you a "Happy Easter Bunny" if he meant it in a screaming and horrible bad way? Where do you draw the line?
Sluggerlog, will lead to the next word which will lead to the actual curse words soon. If they encourage the behavior of calling out any word in a moment of frustration, or to someone now, its like saying that is acceptable to do even when those words are defined as a curse word. But is it OK? I can't exactly tell him, "Don't say that, its not nice." Because.....I don't even know what it means, but I just get the general gist its not meant to be nice, in his mind, especially observing his tone of voice, facial expression and facial redness.
On to a newwww topic: Obituaries.
Ever re-visit a hobby or collection, or something you just used to do in the past, and realize that you were kind of insane? I did yesterday. I'm having relatives over in a couple weeks, and they will probably be sleeping over in my room. So I've been trying to clean it up a little, take out the junk, make it look like a 23 year old lives inside, not a 12 year old.
Well, back when I was working Full Time as an aide, I was obviously seeing a LOT of patients, and I used to be obsessed with learning names. I was also obsessed with reading obituaries. If I had a patient and they died long after after I had them, I would still remember them. I then felt compelled to cut out every obituary I knew the person for, and then proceed to write a little bit about the person that I could contribute on the back, and hang it on my wall as a memory. Everyone said I was crazy. And creepy. But I didn't see it. I just saw it as remembering old friends, old patients that I shared a part of my life with. People I shared last moments of life with. People that shared their life story with me. I just saw it as honoring them and remembering them when I looked at my wall. Keep in mind that the obits were NOT the only thing on my wall! I have a huge wall full of literature that I wrote, memories, pictures I took, quotes, comics, etc. SO the obits just sort of found places. But people still thought I was crazy. But I kept doing it. Well, I must have saved and clipped at least 100 over the years. And kept them all. But they weren't all up on the wall. It got to be so many that I came to my senses mid-way and took down most. I kept up the ones that either I knew *personally* beyond the patient-nurse level, or were just patients that were extra-memorable.
But I couldnt even manage to throw the rest out. I got a special folder and put them all in and filed it away. I felt like throwing them out was disrespect. That because at one time I took the time to remember and honor them and now I was just throwing them out? I couldn't get past it. I couldn't get past the sad concept that someones entire life....sometimes 100 years of life, was all wrapped up in a single column, and who ever even looked at it?
I always wanted to know more about my patients. Being a writer at heart, I always want to know your back-story. Why are you here, what are you thinking, whats your story? So when I read the obits, I just want to know more about the lifestyle they led, the people they were before I met them as a patient. I just found it fascinating.
Well, being off at school, and not working FT anymore, I lost interest in clipping or even looking for them. Occasionally I would have a death on the floor and then look for the obit and then just read it, but not clip it, sometimes I would just occasionally read through the obits one random day and scan it for names I knew...But I grew out of the odd clipping/hanging them on wall "hobby".
So now, a couple years later in time, when I'm cleaning up my room, I stare at my entire wall. I think, "Should I take this down?" But I couldnt take the wall down. But I could take the obits down.
I thought it would be hard. But when I went up to them to re-read them, I couldn't even remember them as patients. The whole point was to remember them and hold on to them, and I forgot them anyway. I guess with the amount of patients I have seen, its easy to do. But still sad. So I'm looking at all these names, and thinking, they mean nothing to me on this wall now. So I took them all down and threw them out. It was sad, but not as meaningful as I thought it would be.
But looking back now, everyone was right. It was really creepy. And odd. I meant well. In my brain it made perfect sense. In reality, not so much. So they are all gone now.
Do I have room for a third topic? Maybeeee. I'll make it quick.
I had a dream last night that I was in LBI (Jersey shore). We go here as an annual vacation and I look forward to it drastically every year. Its my favorite part of summer. As Ive mentioned before, I cannot stand the ocean, but I can't get enough of the beach. I love the beach, the sand, the smells, the shore type towns, the mini golfing....I love it all. But in my dream though, It happened to be a rainy and depressing week that we got to go. In my dream, I was sitting outside on some sort of fence, In a sweatshirt. I think I was reading a book? I remember looking down the boardwalk, and thinking:
" I can't believe its supposed to rain this whole week we're here. I can't believe our week is almost over and all I've done is sit here in the rain. Where did the time go? I need to get up. I need to live, I need to get out of the rain." So I finished the dream by running, running a long time in the sand on the beach. It felt so good.
Point is, that last thought in the dream is a huge metaphor for how my last entire week has been.
I wouldn't even know how to start explaining it all, if I tried and could. All I can say is that hopefully it will get better soon.I'm making a couple moves in the right direction to make things better. Health-wise, emotion wise, relationship-wise (with everyone), and so forth. It will all be OK. I'm sure of that. I just need change, I think. I need something life-changing. I need to do something different. Get out of this routine I'm stuck mindlessly in.....
Thanks for reading everyone. I'll blog soon...:-)
~ A Writer in a Nurse's Body
Just a lot of things are going on that I can't exactly share on a blog. Hopefully it will all be better soon...
Just sometimes you have nothing to say. For a whole week. You just go through the motions. . .
I have a post coming soon about a couple of tidbits...later today or tomorrow.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
I usually refrain from allowing them to make big forts all over the house, or "tents" or "trains" (string the kitchen chairs together), because it makes a mess. But yesterday I was like.....I am with these kids til 4. Thats 8 hours. We can clean up in the last hour. Lets make a mess now! woot! So it was a fun day with the kids.
I just want to share some exceedingly precious moments that occurred :-)
1) We were playing with playdough, all three of us. They usually split it up by color between the two of them and give me the remnants (how kind) so I can "make it into a ball" because apparently, I do this really well. The 2 year old girl is growing to be smarter and smarter every time I see her. This is the time of very fast intellectual growth for children and It is fascinating to see it happen first-hand. Every week she becomes more confident in what she learned last week, and her speech becomes more and more articulate and her vocabulary is growing so fast. Anyway, yesterday she is rolling together some pieces of clay and I was rolling together a random ball and she turns to me, extends her arm and says, "Look! I made a hotdog!" I started laughing, and she knew it. I don't know where she got hotdog from, but it was so funny.
Maybe you had to be there. But it was still funny. Here's a picture of the artistic hot dog:
|Use your imagination. :-)|
I forgot that he was making one for a split second, and just him saying that made me start cracking up laughing. Then I remembered he was making one and I showed him where it actually was. But he wasn't fooled, he asked, "Why are you laughing???" So to come up with an explanation as to why this made me laugh, I played dumb and said,
"your brain is in your head!"
him: "No, its not! "
"Yes it is. *I pointed to his forehead* It's right behind here!"
He looks upward and pushes away his bangs and said, "I can't see it!" *I'm laughing so much*
"You can't see it. Its inside of your head. It helps you to think."
"it is NOT inside my head!"
3) Later on in the day, when it was time for the epic occurrence of watching Cailou on TV, I decided it was a good time to straighten my hair in order to get ready for my big nursing formal that night. So here I am in the back of the kitchen, where I can still see them just to be safe, minding my own business, pretty quiet...and he comes over, randomly, and asks, "What are you doing?"
So how do I explain I am frying my hair so that it is straight and not curly? My best explanation was, "I am fixing my hair."
"Oh. Well you look like a bird."
Me: "Thank you."
"Crows wear their hair like that."
"I liked your old hair."
Me: "Well I am sorry I am fixing it then. " *Sad face*
*he is thinking....* "Why are you fixing your hair?
Me: I have to make it look really pretty for a special dance I have to go to tonight."
*he squints his eyes, tilts his head and looks really confused, and is thinking* "Oh. Well when I look pretty I just go see Thomas." (thomas is a tank engine).
I laughed pretty hard at that one too. I think he gets confused when I laugh at what he says because in his mind, he is totally legitimate. So cute.
4) It is part my responsibility to aid in the event of potty training these children. Although the four year old is an expert on peeing in the big boy toilet, he is having some poo-ing issues. Although he "promises" to TELL me when he has to go so we can run to the potty, he never does. Ever. It is up to me to see weird signs that he is doing, like hiding behind a couch, laying on the ground, or picking at his butt to let me know he has to go (or IS going)...or I start to smell it if I'm close by.
So in the morning, I completely missed it. They were playing, I was making them breakfast, and when he came to the table to eat I noticed he completely let loose in his diaper. The mom of course doesn't like to see messy diapers at the end of the day because she wants her kids to be completely potty trained....yay. So I was pretty determined to not let it happen again. So a couple hours later, in the afternoon, I noticed him picking and it started to smell. So I took him right away and sure enough, there was already a (minor) accident. There was still time! So I told him, "lets try for some more" So we sat on the potty for like TWENTY minutes and read about 9 story books.
FInally, I gave up. There was just no more poo coming out of that behind for me.
So I asked, "Why don't you go poop on the potty?"
him: "I only poop for mommy and daddy. And sometimes for Aunt Debbie."
"Why don't you poop for me?"
"Because you're the babysitter."
"Babysitters are supposed to PLAY with me not make me POOP."
so funny. I can't wait to be a mommy =]
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
- I realized the other day that I love houses. I love the structures. I want to go inside and look at how its all built. I would be an architect if I weren't a nurse.
- Writer, of course. But i'm going to still be that anyway.
- Journalist? I used to hate journalism....and I never would be one of those annoying journalists...but rather the type that has a weekly column that everyone looks forward to reading. Good thing I have a blog for that, lol. I don't think I'd like Journalism anyway. Too much pressure.
But Architecture, I think I'd like that.
But of course, I'm going to be happy as a nurse. Nursing can help me take care of my family one day. What would architecture do for my life skills? Not much. Nursing can help me survive when the world ends and help me take care of other survivors. Can architecture? No. Can journalism? No. So, I'm pretty OK. :-)
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
I have two nursing inventions, but those two are two actual "things" that might actually be inventable....maybe one day I'll share them with you. :-)
Anyway, back to the "abstract idea inventions"...
1) This relates back to my post, "It's a Social Thing", when I was frustrated with how hard it is to avoid restaurants, not because of the food- but because well, its a social thing.
Scenario: Boy meets girl. Boy asks girl out. Somewhere they can just talk. Movies? No, can't talk in a movie. Bowling? No, you can't talk while you bowl because someone is always bowling. Shop around in the mall? No, thats incredibly awkward. Oh, Hey- Lets go out to eat! Thats a good place to talk. It gives you something to do with your hands when the conversation pauses. You can awkwardly stare at other people, play with your straw, drink 4 glasses of water, eat every last crumb on your plate and then stare at them.....(Ok, maybe thats just what I do- But still). Thats my point. People use restaurants as a place to just talk, catch up, whatever, and eating just comes along with it. And then the food all contributes to America's Obesity epidemic. But what else do we have?
So, heres my wild abstract thought: Why not create some sort of.....place...where people can go just to talk? It would be a big building, a huge center. There would be lots of different "areas" that you can go to, with tables, or couches....In the winter, there would be areas with real fireplaces going. Maybe you could reserve a room for you and a friend, or group of friends to just have a good time with....
There would be places to get tea/coffee, too. Because thats a must. In my world. Maybe there will be a bookstore. (Okay this is turning into B&N). Maybe there can be a recreation center, where you can rent a tennis court with a friend, or racquetball or something. There could be a pool. There could be a club, where you ballroom dance in by day and nightclub dance in by night....All things with no food!
I wonder if it would actually work. Probably not. I'm forgetting that not everyone in this universe hates the food industry as much as me. And that usually, people aren't looking to talk. And, normal people like food. SO tell me -- do you think this would fail? Would people go to a place like this on a date, or with friends, just to talk, as opposed to eating out? Or would they eat out AND go to this place?
I guess you can't stop America from eating out unless you shut down all the chain restaurants. That would never happen.
I'm also forgetting that you could always invite a date or a group of friends to your home to talk, but that doesn't always work out. It's hard to be a host and not everyone actively enjoys that.
This invention stemmed from the recent article, "The Hot Spotters" by Atul Gawande in the New Yorker. The article was about how we can map out where the most expensive patients are coming from, by state, by city, by building in the city....And by finding where they are coming from, we can actively seek out to help that particular population. Atul Gawande points out that If we see a particular apartment complex in Camden, NJ is housing a significantly large amount of ER visits or chronic conditions, perhaps thats a good place to place a doctor's office or Nurse Practitioner, to target them before they get to the ER or get to be a chronic condition.
So, keeping that in mind, keep this in mind:
There are a lot of homeless people in America. What if we mapped out where the high incidences of homeless people were, and acted there first? And its not always just the big cities that have high populations of homeless people, sometimes its the little towns.
So how do we act? Well, what if we had big homeless shelters (again with the big idea, big center thing), to house homeless people? There would be qualifications to enter, of course. No drugs or alcohol on premise whatsoever. This center would help you find a job, they would have a thrift store on campus, to buy cheap clothes and business suits for work...
I know some people are against spending tax dollars to house homeless people, because the stereotype is that these people are homeless because they spent all their money on drugs, or alcohol, or gambled it all, or whatever. But think about the people that did nothing wrong. Think about the single mothers. Think about the children, the teenagers. Think about people that just lost their home. What about them? Do we really want them on the streets? By keeping them on the streets, they become a risk to themselves. They are predisposing themselves to more health problems (malnutrition, infections, hypothermia), violence, and a life of continued homelessness. Without help they don't know how to get an education (or finish one), how to get a job, how to find a bed to sleep in that night.
So this place, (there would be many throughout the nation in the "hot spots"), would be a safe haven for these people. A way to get them off the streets. A warm place. With showers, and food. Blankets. Clothes. It wouldn't be luxury, it wouldn't be long-term, and it wouldn't be meant for people to want to stay there instead of getting there life turned around and finding somewhere better.
I know that in a lot of homeless shelters today there becomes a problem where women are not the dominant resident type, and therefore they are outnumbered, and are at risk for harassment or sexual abuse. So my new type of homeless shelter would have divisions. Like 50 beds for the men, 30 for teens, 40 for adult women, 10 "rooms" for each homeless family. Maybe this place could even have a school of its own. Like a GED diploma program on campus. Maybe the residents could work at the center, in the food area, or in the school, or in the thrift store...
I don't know. Just some ideas. I like to think big. Usually when I'm supposed to be paying attention in class. I wonder if any of these ideas could ever work....
Sunday, April 10, 2011
"Are you married?"
"Oh...How old are you?"
"Oh....Well, you still have time."
"Are you engaged?"
Me: "Um....because there is no one to be engaged to, yet."
"Oh. Do you have a boyfriend?"
Me: *gets annoyed* "Nope......"
"Oh. Well you still have lots of time."
"Do you have KIDS?"
Why are they so concerned with my marital status???
So today I was curious about this one patient. She was extremely dependant on staff to do everything for her (feed, bathe, etc) and yet was extremely demanding and had a habit of screaming loud enough for the other side of the hall to hear. So I was curious to know where the heck she was living and who was taking care of her and what sort of quality of life she had. So today while I was feeding her, I asked-
"Do you live in a nursing home?" And she screamed no. (She screams everything). "Do you live at home?" ---- > "NO!" ----> "Oh. Well where do you live?" Patient: "Nevermind. Its none of your concern." (Screaming). Me: "Okay. Fair enough."
5 minutes later:
"Are you married?" (screaming)
"Are you engaged?"
"Actually, Its none of your concern." (smiling).
Snippy, I know, but I had to. I just had to. Its the little things. :-)
But she actually smiled, and said, "Fair enough."
Saturday, April 9, 2011
- She's testing an 88 food sensitivity panel to see what my body is reacting too- YAY!
- She is testing my thyroid for suspected hypothyroidism
- She is doing a complete metabolic panel to test my nutrients & hormones and all that cool stuff.
- She is testing (the right way) for Celiac disease because she highly suspects that to be the culprit of the majority of my problems....
..which means I would return to a Gluten-Free diet, pretty soon. Which is hard, but worth it- If it makes me feel better....And this time around it will be easier to do because in just the two years that I have done it last, the Gluten-free nation is rapidly gaining popularity. This means more products, more attention, more restaurants hopping on the bandwagon, Yay!
I respect this practitioner so much because of how she looks at the patient. She sees the whole picture, which is what every doctor should be trained to do, and what a good nurse does anyway, regardless of education. So, putting those two points together, a Holistic Nurse Practitioner makes absolute perfect sense and should take over as the Surgeon General or President of the United States, or something like that....
Doctors these days are losing primary care. Doctors don't want to go into primary care anymore, because its losing money. They aren't being trained anymore to "know everything" because once out of school, they go for the big bucks and they specialize. They specialize in one body system and they are "experts" in this system (most of the time). Well that's GREAT, except for when my Gastroenterologist is only looking at my GI system and not concerned about how whats going on in my gut can be affecting my anemia, headaches, heart, and so forth. It all Connects and this nurse practitioner is the first medical professional that I have seen that realizes this and is testing everything. I am so happy to finally be on the same page as a medical professional.
Its a shame that insurance companies aren't working with holistic practitioners (at least in this area) because if you think about everything I just said, they are stupid not too. Holistic Practitioners (whether they be a doctor or nurse) see the whole picture and are therefore more likely to make the patient well again. Also, holistic practitioners promote overall wellness and are more able to maintain it, which insurance companies should be interested in. Its got to be cheaper to keep a patient healthy with a little work than to treat big problems with a lot of work, right?
I agree that sometimes, specialists are needed. Sometimes a primary doctor or a holistic practitioner gets in over their head and don't feel comfortable treating the case because they don't have enough knowledge about it. They get referred to a specialist for their safety. And those are the patients that should be seen by a specialist. But why should someone with chronic GI (and other) issues be seen by a GI doc when a holistic practitioner can see the whole picture and treat with natural supplements and diet? (Rather than a prescription for the rest of your life?) I hate prescription drugs. My GI doc wants to put me on one for the rest of my life....and well, I am doing everything in my power to avoid that.
So, I'll keep you updated! I won't know more until a couple of weeks, so look forward to it. :-) Thanks for Reading!
I feel like health is on the way =]
~A Writer in a Nurse's Body
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Anyway, I've wanted to post this blog since Tuesday, but haven't had the time to dedicate to it, until now.
This semester in our community clinical (last one!) my group has been circling around a couple of different health care (public health) agencies around the local "vulnerable populations" near my school. I live in New Jersey, you can imagine a *couple* different locations I *might* be talking about.
Working in all of these different agencies helping lots of different age groups but primarily young women, I noticed one thing: These young women were interested in health care. Any type of health care. Me. They wanted to know how to get where I was in life. How to work in a hospital. How to take care of patients in any setting. To them, nursing was just this "thing" that they could do that was easy...but it was just a thought and they weren't sure how to even think about doing it.
Our assignment throughout the semester (as a group) was to work with specific modules in order to teach these young women about a new topic every week. Topics range from Child development, to women hygiene, violence, STDs, Sexual health, etc.
So, based on this thought that I had that a LOT of these young women shrugged off our existing topics but were profoundly interested in nursing, I thought-- Why isn't that one of the modules? Like, Career Development, or something?
So I brought this up to my professor, as a suggestion for next year. She said this was a GREAT idea and that I should pilot it for this year.
First I thought- No way, How am I going to have time to throw that together? I can't believe I just volunteered myself for a whole other project.
But, a couple weeks later, time came to present. My assignment this week was to go into this homeless shelter with women aged 20-40. These women are allowed to live in this shelter if they participate in this type of program the shelter has set up. The program teaches them how to get a job, how to clean up their lives, how to take care of their kids, how to control their finances, how to get appropriate housing one day, and so forth. So when creating this whole presentation, I took all that into account.
I realized I only had time to focus on the healthcare field options. I set out to use a couple of resources (thank you Barnes & Noble-My library!) to compose a packet for these women to keep that showed them different nursing type positions, school options, how to pay for school, resume information, etc. While composing this, I realized that the military is also a strong option for many of these women. Well, because I am out-of-my-mind sometimes and have a LOT more courage to do things when its not actually for me, I decided that day that I would go to the nearest Army Recruitment Center and ask for their help.
Low and Behold, I marched right into that Armed Forces Center looking all professional, asked for who ever was in charge (no joke, I really said that), and the army guy went to the back room, past all the push-up and sit up guys, and brought out the big guns (no pun intended). So here are these big important army people (I'm not an expert in army titles) and meek me is asking them for help to donate whatever they could give me that I could give these women. I explained my whole presentation and mission, and prayed that they wouldn't kick me out. When I finally stopped talking, they said that they would love to help! Yay!
I sat down in front of this fancy recruitment screen and waited for them to collect "whatever they could give me". Well, they came out with two huge bags full of tons of different brochures, and about 20 T-Shirts! How kind is that!
On I went, to continue creating the rest of the packet.
Here is what it ended up looking like, In the end:
Health Care Outlook
Please note that Only the "Resume" part is my own work. The Job options, finance and education information is all taken from the reference in the sheet, but put in my own words from the book.
So, overall I was really pleased with this and I was excited to pilot it with these women!
Surprisingly, it went EXTREMELY well! We had their attention immediately. In fact, they actually knew what we would be presenting prior, and the room was actually packed waiting for us. Usually they are making excuses to get out of listening to us talk. So, step one=success.
All of the sudden, I had this wave of confidence come over me. When I know I'm ahead (step one success) I have a lot more confidence to keep going strong. So I kept every ones attention and went through the packet, let them ask questions. They were fascinated. They realized that they could do what I said they could. That it wasn't too late to do something with their lives. That they could still turn around. They could still be somebody. That there were other ways to work around obstacles that have thrown a roadblock in their road before. These women were excited, inspired.
When it was time to leave, they thanked us for all of our "time, diligence and dedication" and even clapped for us. We stayed behind and really helped out a couple individuals that were really interested in our discussion. We even raffled off the T-shirts and they were really super excited about that.
Overall, it was an amazing day. At first, I thought it was going to be awful based on how this group was reported to act prior. But we did it! Even if just one or two women out of the forty people come out of that discussion making a real change in their life, then we made even just an inkling of a difference. We changed someones life. And by doing this, we enabled this to become a module for the future and hopefully future students can feel this way too!
Sorry for the long blog. I was just really excited about this. :-)
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Ironically, Like I said in the Blog Post the other day, I am going to see her tomorrow and I feel fine right now. Of course. But I can't bank on that- I have to show her what I've been feeling the past couple days. Despite feeling fully energized again, no nausea, normal, no headaches.....of course.
It just occurred to me that I have been under a lot of stress and I was really worried about this exam I had this morning. Last night I was practically ready to go to the ER, I was delirious about this exam. Can stress really have that much power? Because now the exam is over, and well.........I feel better.
So I don't know. I'm just really curious to see what she says tomorrow. Hopefully she won't think I'm a total basket case.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
regardless, this includes still feeling like s***. So, based on the fact that I have FELT like crap and DONT want to feel like crap any longer and for Europe, I finally called in the professionals. I really want to see this Holistic NP about 45 min away from me. She has helped close friends and I know she can run the right tests....even if she isn't under my insurance and it will be expensive. But at this point, I will pay for health. I need to feel better. I need answers.
So I called, thinking it would be no problem.
Well, they are "booking appointments two months in advance. FS)(*)$#*. So, I was like....Crap. So She gave me an appt for June, after Europe of course, and put me on an extensive waiting list if there were any cancellations. Boo.
THEN, about fifteen minutes later I got a call asking if this Thursday would work. Its conflicting with a lot of important things, but health takes top priority. So, yay!!! I really hope she can help. I have my fingers crossed so much it will take weeks to uncross them. :-(
Huge exam tomorrow. Not prepared. Freaking out. Probably a significant cause of me not feeling well. Oh well. If thats the case, I wont feel well again until....May? May 14th? Graduation?
Monday, April 4, 2011
But, with this superpower, I could of course opt to sleep if I wanted to. It would be like a little light switch. Because sometimes I like to sleep. Ok, well, I love to sleep, i just hate having to sleep when I have other important things to do. But when you think about it, do I love to sleep because its a relief from being tired, or do I love to sleep just because? Because What else do I like about sleep other than it makes me less-tired? The comfy bed? because I can get that when I'm awake, too. An escape from reality? I guess I would miss having that. And I think I would miss the dream-world most of all.
I think there is a blog post of mine already out there about this exact same thing but that only exemplifies the fact of how much I want this superpower.
If you happen to be a genie out there reading this, don't grant me this until we talk a little first. I have to make some ramifications so that I work through all the loopholes.
PS_ No really though, wouldn't it be awesome?
Sunday, April 3, 2011
I have "phases" or "bad days" of feeling really sick....It all hits at once. Sometimes I know what caused it (milk got into diet) and I'm OK with surviving through the consequences. But when something hits me and I have no idea whats causing it.....I feel hopeless. I say to myself, I need to see a doctor NOW, but its not serious enough to go to the ER, I just want to see one in an appt. I need to see him and show him the symptoms I am having NOW. But doctors don't see you NOW, they see you when they have an appointment open. By then, I feel better. I usually feel better the next day.
Despite feeling like I am going to die one day, and having myself so convinced that I promise to call the doctor the next day , the next day comes and I feel totally better and I think, "Well....I feel better now. I survived. I helped myself all on my own. I don't need a silly doctor to help me." Despite feeling desperate for one the day before.
I am just so fed up with how our healthcare system. I cant even beGIN to explain how frustrated I am with it all. I know something is really, really wrong me and its getting worse....but usually, you wouldn't know just by looking at me. And therefore, doctor's don't know. They have a hard time believing what they can't see. So they put you through endless testing, (sometimes more than once) to try and "see" whats wrong. If they can't figure it out- You are pegged with having Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
I spoke with an NP at the Nurse's convention that specialized in Celiac Disease. She had me convinced that a majority of all my symptoms somehow relate to Celiac Disease. I told her my GI doctor tested via endoscopy and denied it. However, sometimes it doesnt show up that way, especially since I had been on a gluten-free diet previously at the time. So she says I need to have a genetic test. Thats a sure-fire way of knowing if you have the gene or not.
*sigh*. Today is a bad day. But the doctors I want to see aren't open today, and I have so much work to do for the next
I just want a doctor to look at me, and understand. To believe me. To know what the flying duck they are doing.
~ A Writer in a (Frustrated) Nurse's Body
Friday, April 1, 2011
I'm not normally a religious person. I used to feel guilty about this, but I have learned a lot more about the world now. I go to church for Christmas and Easter, but it's for making my family happy and celebrating our blessings together as a family.
I do believe in a higher power that kind of "knows whats going on" and I am one of those people that believes everything happens for a reason, even terrible terrible things and that if one door closes, a window or door or crack in the wall is opening at the same time. So when terrible things are happening, I try and just ride it out and wait....things can only be horrible for so long. And sometimes it just takes looking at it a different way. Or sometimes, you can't just wait for "things to happen" and you have to go out there and make a change yourself. So its a mixture, I guess. But the impetus that caused you to snap and "go out and make your own change"....was that your choice, or was that impetus placed so that you could make a change in your life? Did the chicken or the egg come first?
So thats my schpeel (sp?) on religion.
So, thinking about all that, I did Lent not-so-much just for religious reasons. I chose it because I wanted a challenge. My father and I were chatting right at the beginning of Lent, and he had mentioned briefly how someone he knew was giving up Facebook (Apparently a lot of people do this!). And I thought.....man, no way. That is really hard to do. I can't even imagine. There is no way I am at a point of maturity in my life where I can think about separating from Facebook right now. That is really, really hard.
So (I'm sorry I start every paragraph with "so") then I thought about it....what else in this world could I give up, that I love, that would be hard, yet do-able? Facebook I love, and would be hard, but not-doable. It would probably teach me a lot and be life-changing....but...no. Could I give up meat? No...what would I eat? I unfortunately rely on chicken a lot...especially at restaurants. Oh, wait- RESTAURANTS. I'm giving up restaurants, I thought. So then I narrowed it down to chain restaurants. Why? Well, It goes along with my feelings on how ridiculous this food industry is and how these large chains are getting unhealthier and unhealthier. So since I knew it would be hard to give up restaurants completely, I made it so that I could eat out if It were a non-chain, and preferably family-run, home-cooked style type food.
Well, I have slipped....twice so far. The first, was in NYC when I was with a friend and her family to see a Broadway show....we went over the span of dinner time and were out until really late. So even if I ate a huge lunch, I wouldn't make it til 1 am because I die quickly if I don't eat. So....What else am I supposed to do? So that day, I made another exception- I can eat out if I am travelling. So that allowed me to eat out when I recently attended my state nursing convention last night- we stayed overnight. So....I had to eat, and well- (we were in Atlantic City), that is not a city to be wandering around looking for a non-chain restaurant..even if we were with military personnel. SO that all worked out, AND I ended up finding a fantastic restaurant (See Yesterday's Post).
But......but now my first unavoidable difficulty arises. What happens when you get an invite to go out to eat with some really good friends, that you haven't seen in a long time because they all live out of town....and they will be in for one night...and they want to go out to eat....in your hometown....So technically, this doesn't apply to any of my already existing "exceptions". I could make another exception and say screw it- I can go out to eat when I'm with friends I haven't seen in forever....Or I could eat before hand, and just drink water with them at the restaurant. But then that rises weird suspicions that I am "Anorexic" or something now, (even though trust me- I do not look anorexic). So....that leaves me with.....nada.
What I'm going to do (to be polite) is to just eat with them. Even though its Lent, and you're really supposed to stick to what you say......or else...( I don't know what actually happens if you don't), sometimes its really hard not to.
I guess this reflects what I have known all along. I can deny eating out when its convenient. I can cook at home then. I can deny eating out with my family, because although they think I am insane, they understand. Because they have to. But social situations.......that's hard. Because what else is there to do in a small town, when friends want to get together and talk? Its like, automatic that you just go out to eat. I can't decide if this is a good thing or not. It certainly is promoting our obesity epidemic...and it isn't helping our sinking food industry. But it gives a place for friends to meet...laugh, talk, catch up, remind you of old times. We don't have anywhere else, in this town, or really- in this country- to do so. Unless you want to go bowling.
I haven't lost any weight from not eating out....which I thought I would...but it still helps a lot. It helps me feel better because it helps me stay away from Milk a lot better...and even if I haven't lost weight, it still is just a healthier lifestyle. Don't get me wrong, I love going out to eat. I really do. I have like...a problem with it. A food problem. I have noticed this in myself since my early teenage years. I associate working hard all day with friends, family or yourself to going out to eat together to celebrate working hard all day. I guess that's just how I've been raised. You work hard, you get to go out to eat. So I'm trying to break that association within myself. How about- you work hard, you get to come home and cook a delicious meal at home! Yeah? Yeah? YEah! Ok well, we'll work on that. So giving up restaurants isn't easy. They taste yummy, they are easy, you dont have to cook, clean, you can order anything you want...meet with friends. So, its not easy.
So...thoughts? Is it ok to make exceptions when it comes to Lent? I guess it's gonna have to be....I really want to continue this challenge even after Lent. I want to be a little more lenient after Lent, but I really want to really cut down on restaurants.
~A Writer in a Nurse's Body