How is this Possible?

Have you ever discovered a talent you have, that you spent the last 22 years of your life, not knowing you had? Did that make sense even?

I think discovering a talent, makes sense under certain circumstances. Like, discovering you are really really good at playing soccer, but you never knew this because you never played. Or you are really good at drawing but never knew before because you never drew. Makes sense, right? In this case, I'd say its possible to discover new talents you possess at any given time in your life, from age 0 to age infinity.


So, who here considers a photographic memory a talent? Part of me wants to say it is a talent, because what else is it? A skill? Not really. A character trait? Sort of. Personality? No. Its a.....what? An ability, I guess?

Regardless of what it is, its definitely something I have discovered I have.


Which is the funny part.


LET me explain.


Lately, I have noticed in myself that I have some strange ability to remember numbers. I can take vital signs on 10 people in a row and then write them all down on a board after, providing that I took note of the vital signs in the initial time of it taking place. There are other times, that I've looked at a number on a scale on a patient, took note, and then went and did other things. 4 hours later I remember I need to document the patients weight, or the aide asks me what it was, and I can somehow recall it to even the tenth. Of course, It only happens if I see the number. If someone tells me, "Her temperature is 98.7", I won't remember it like....5 minutes later. But if I see it, I can pull up that image whenever I need it. It gets harder with temperatures because I look at so many thermometers so often, and each image therefore tends to look the same. Its easier with the scale, for instance- to visualize, because its uncommon to be weighing patients at night and therefore, be using a scale.

This skill is usually completely useless in life elsewhere at all times. So what If I can remember phone numbers from 5 years ago, providing that I took note of them at the time? When I was a grocery store cashier I used to remember the barcode numbers (usually over 12 numbers) for each individual water production company (poland spring, nestle, aquafina, etc) for the large containers so that I, as the cashier, wouldn't have to pick them up. I'd see them in the cart and scan it in manually. I was right every time. So, that was cool. And useful, for like-the 2 years I was a cashier.

I also have a photographic (sort of) memory when it comes to names. I can usually attach a first name to a last, on a patient I maybe saw once. Sometimes (most times) I can't even place a face to the name, but I can remember the whole name. For some ungodly, useless reason. Even if I had the patient 5 years ago.  Last night I had a patient with a rather unique last name. Somehow the name struck me so much, that it brought back the name of a mere acquaintance I haven't seen since the second grade. Yes, they ended up being related. Weird.


Anyway, this is the funny part:

Besides numbers and names, I have a HORRIBLE MEMORY.

I'm not kidding. It is truly embarassing. It makes me a horrible friend, person, girlfriend, granddaughter, neice, sister, etc.

I have spent the last like 5 years legit thinking I have early onset dementia. Oh yes. I do often walk into rooms forgetting what I came in there for. I do often forget what I was talking about MID-SENTENCE. It makes me a horrible friend because I often legit forget where we left off in your epic case of problems. And its not that I don't care, I truly truly truly do. I do care, and I am interested. But its like I am incapable of remembering the stories you've told me or havent told me, or where we left off about your boyfriend/girlfriend issues.  Therefore I am left with trying to pull off every time acting like I know exactly what you're talking about. But it goes both ways, I often (most times) cannot remember where I left off with you, either. I guess its just that so much useless stuff is stuck in my brain (like the barcode number for poland spring) that it has no room for important friend stuff. :-( It sucks and I'm working on it.


I just forgot the main point I was trying to make with this blog. Maybe thats my point right there...



oh! Right. Point is, aren't photographic memory people supposed to remember every single thing they come into contact with? Names, numbers, furniture placement, where they parked their car, answers to tests they took 8 years ago, friend stuff, etc.? So how, please- can I have a photographic memory useful for nothing- but not be able to remember important stuff? Its kind of not fair.

Its funny- If I see something that belongs to someone else and I want to take a further look at it by picking it up- I try really hard to take a mental picture of exactly how it was sitting previously. When I'm done looking at it like eight seconds later, can I remember that mental picture? No. Of course not. Then my unrelenting anxiety disorder comes out to play as I stress out the entire next week that you will find out I touched your....thing. Yeah.


I also remember thousands of lyrics that I memorized when I was 11, (i'm 23 now) but DO YOU THINK I can remember the Pledge of friggen Allegiance? No. If you asked me to sing the national anthem right now, a song I've sung a bajillion times in childhood, I'd fail- miserably. Ask me to sing some random song I liked when I was in middle school? Got it.


I'm telling you, my memory is clinically diagnosed (by me) as being completely useless and self-centered. Because obviously I can only retain non important things.


~A Writer in a Forgetful Nurses Body


.

This Ain't Goodbye

"You and I were friends from outerspace, afraid to let go. The only two who understood this place..."


Okay. I'm not even sure where to begin, to be honest.

I lost a really great friend this past weekend. Saturday morning.

I think I'm still in the Denial stage of grief. Its just so hard to......grasp. To really say to yourself, She is gone. I'm not going to see her anymore on random at work. I won't see her smiling face anymore, hear her laugh. I'm not in denial that she passed away. I get that. I understand that. I'm in denial I won't see her anymore, I guess. Its just so hard to believe.

It happened fast. She became very sick very quickly and after all, we all knew death was imminent, as much as we all hoped she would pull through on the last minute and be fine. She was diagnosed with Cancer in June and we all imagined her pulling through the chemotherapy rounds and then eventually returning back to work one day. None of us knew, ever even thought, that it would end like it did. Maybe thats why its still so hard to believe. She was supposed to make it.


She was hired where I work (at the hospital), on my floor, the same job as me, exactly a month after I. I met her when I was 18, five years ago. At the time I was only working alternating weekends, so I could toggle my other job and school as well. Therefore, she was my "weekend buddy", the only employee I really got to know at first. We were both still so new and we learned the ropes together, we had a lot of laughs and a lot of learning. Eventually I quit my other job and picked up a lot more shifts at the hospital and eventually met a lot more people and became very good friends with a lot more of my coworkers. But Ann was the first.


She was way too young to die. Just over middle age, she was just starting to prepare for retirement and the major second half of her life. She was just recently dieting to be healthier...for some reason I can't get that out of my mind. Just a week or so before she was diagnosed I remember her asking for some time off to get some health check-ups done. She was fine, then. Or so we thought.


Life is always full of "I should haves".  If I had known that her being diagnosed with cancer and admitted to our hospital would end in her passing, I would have gone to visit more. I would have given her more hugs. I went to visit on occasion because I knew there would be more times to visit, a lifetimes worth. I was wrong.


The earth shattering thought of it all comes down to this....she was "fine", and then two months later, she is not with us anymore. She was dieting, she was planning for the future, she was taking care of her daughter and mother, she was living her life, she was working full time, she was fine.

It could happen to any of us. It could happen to any of us that we become sick, or any of us could die at any passing moment, and then what?  Just like that? It's just hard to wrap your mind around. I think everyone naturally plans on and counts on the fact that they will live til their elder years and then its okay to pass away. I certainly do. I can't imagine myself not making it to the elder years, but then again, who actually plans on not doing so? Life just catches us so off guard its unbelievable.

Upon her recent passing, all of us at work have been sharing our favorite memories of her. Memories she never would have imagined would be her last in our minds.

Some of my favorite include this one time when staffing was an absolute mess one day at work and everyone was pulled to all different floors. I got pulled first to our psychiatric unit for a 1:1. Me and Ann were supposed to split the 8 hours and switch at 7pm. Well, 7 pm came and sure enough, she came down, but not to relieve me. She sat down right across from me, and told me she had been called down herself to watch another patient next door. So we spent the next four hours, right next to eachother (that never happens on 1:1's, ever), just talking, catching up and getting to know more about one another.

Which got me thinking, if you or I died right now, what would peoples last memories be with you? Do you approve of those memories? What would you change?

What would you wish you could have done before you died?

For some reason, every time I come close to death myself (I make it sound like this happens a lot but its actually usually made up in my mind *hypochondriac*) I find myself thinking, "I can't die yet. I haven't written a book yet." A written book is the one thing I want this world to remember me by. So why aren't I writing it? I am fine, I am healthy, I am not dying anytime soon. I have all the time in the foreseeable, fortunate lucky world. So if it means that much to me to do before I die, why aren't I writing it? Why wait until its too late?

I guess we always just leave those things to another day because "life" gets in the way. Our kids, our jobs, our responsibilities, our groceries, our errands. Our bucket lists can wait on another day, another time to start that, because today you have to run errands.

Being in the healthcare field, I know how much she was suffering. She is no longer in pain now and had a very painful and traumatizing last month of her life, which no one should ever haver to go through. Being on the patient and nurse in my life so far, I know the dynamics and suffering of what she went through and I don't even know if I would be strong enough to do it myself. She was one of the strongest people I knew.

So, knowing that, my only prayer is that Ann got to do what meant the most to her in life. Got to spend life with people she loved most and loved her most. I guess thats all anyone can ask for, when it comes down to the bare necessities, right?


Well, one day we will meet again. I know she will be waiting for us with her classic smile, and Styrofoam cup of water with "Ann" written on the side. Until then.....


"But this ain't goodbye
This is just the way love goes
When words aren't warm enough to keep away the cold.
This ain't goodbye
It's not where our story ends"

Love you always, remember you forever. Rest in Peace, Ann. < 3

~ WNB



. song lyrics by Train, "This Ain't Goodbye"

What I Learned from Disney

Hello everyone! So sorry I have been completely MIA! Things have been just absolutely a whirlwind of fun and insanity, mixed with no blogging time and also nothing to write about, all at the same time!

I have been *so blessed* enough to have had the opportunity to go to Disney World (the land of Magical magical magical memories) in Florida this past weekend, starting Friday and to just yesterday.

Disney is one of those places. When you travel far to get to Disney, you have that moment when you step into the parks and say, "Oh my goodness. I'm in Disney World. I'm in DISNEY WORLD!" and your happiness meter goes up a LOT. Its a similar feeling of disbelief that when you travel far to finally get to Europe, and you get off the airport in Europe for the first time and can't believe its actually happening.  I guess for people that have to get on a plane to get to Disney world, its something totally out of this world. Disney is usually a very planned vacation, with hotels, and reservations, and planning, so much planning, and so much money, and planning. I mean some families reserve a year in advance and buy the disney books and start planning. Because you need to plan. Without an official experienced tour guide, you can't just walk into Disney and "do it right" the first time.

So knowing all that.....to have just jumped on a plane, with the plane ticket bought 3 weeks in advance, to go to Disney for the weekend, was something so funly (new word) and magical and 20's and so impromptu, it was just so much fun!

But, as you all know, I must have a reflecting session. I always reflect on my life's many experiences, small or large and think about what they mean to me, my past and future. Or just what it all means in general to the rest of the world.


One thing I noticed that happened to be very funny and peculiar is that so many people have this amusing love for Tinker Bell! Its adorable. Like disney is magical, yes- And the shows they put on, incredible- but mid-show, when Tink shows up, the percentage of the audience that squeals, "It's Tink!!" Is very high. Don't get me wrong, Tink is adorable and loveable and so small but standing alongside all of the other characters, I think its interesting everyone squeals when she pops in for some fairy dust.

Disney has showed me, or rather reminded me that the human race still believes in magic. And it makes me smile every time. Even though I have seen the shows and ridden all the rides multiple times prior, I like to go do it all again simply to see kids faces for the first time when they see it. I love hearing the "MOM! ITS MICKEY! MICKEY IS HERE!" and the "Daddy, did you see Captain Hook!?" I love their faces when they know they just met *the* real Princess Belle, or the real Peter Pan. They waited their whole life for that and to them, they just met a friggen celebrity. Their faces are priceless.

Even the adults, too. I love nothing more than to hear the whole entire crowd, full of adults with kids on their shoulders, all synonymously sigh, "OOhh!" or "Ahhh!" When a magical moment happens in the epic famous "Wishes" or "Fantasmic" fireworks show is put on.

It also makes me happy when one of the better ride stops and everybody, adults and all, all clap for such a great ride. They Clap! They had such a good time that everybody claps! How cool is that!? It gives you that human connection, that special bonding, knowing that what you just experienced for the last 90 seconds and loved, everyone else loved it just as much as you and you shared that experience with strangers and you smile together, and continue on with your life. It's kind of magical.

There is something I have to say about video recording. I can't say much, because I am guilty of it myself and am not even sure why. I'm not even sure if its actually a problem or not, I have to think into the psychology of it all a bit first. When watching the parades and shows, I see millions of parents around me, all with their point and shoots and videorecorders, all videotaping the parades and shows. They aren't videotaping their kids faces when they see Mickey come out. They are taping Mickey come out. They are taping just the shows.

Which makes me think....Why do we, as humans, do this? My only thought is that we are so swept away in that magical moment that we think- I have to record this to watch again, and again, to relive it another time. But do we ever watch it again? Will your kids ever actually watch it again, or...is it better and more magical to keep stored in your memory only? Our memory morphs experiences to make them seem even better than they actually were. Wouldn't it make sense then, to leave it to our natural memory to record the experience, rather than let our videorecorders do it, that we may never even watch again? Also, if you are videorecording, you are either having a pretty hard time watching the realhardcopy, ten years later. But what I say is, if you feel you or your kids has lost that magical memory, go back again! Save up for another trip!

To conclude, I must share a funny moment with you. My friends and I went and did two of the drawing classes that are offered in Hollywood Studio's in the Disney Animation attraction. What the attraction is, is this studio classroom that holds about 30 people and an instructor with a projector of what he/she is drawing. They then guide you, based on what you can see on their screen, line by line (literally) on what to draw, step by step, to make a pretty good end product.

So the second drawing class we did, it was a surprise on what we were going to draw. As we started drawing each line, the instructor prompted us to keep guessing. Well all we had was a circle on the paper and kids were already shouting out random disney characters, without actually trying to guess. Then, we drew a little more lines on that circle (to start making the face) and it looked like this:

And when we had this, a little bitty voice from the audience shouts, "ITS A TENNIS BALL!" And let me tell you, the cast member instructor couldn't help from stopping her drawing, and bending over to laugh hysterically, along with the entire class. Her only response was, "Yes, Yes it is a tennis ball."  That went down into my top 50 funniest moments of my life. I couldn't tell you what any of the other funny moments are but If there were such a list, this would be in it.

If you are curious, this was our end product:

Eeyore :)

Well, that is all, folks. These next couple weeks....expect to not hear a whole bunch from me. I have three weeks (not even) to study for my *must not fail* test for my license...and time is running out rapidly. My days here on out will either be spent working, or studying. One more test to study for, All or Nothing. 4 years of college into this. fjljwlejfslfj.


Tootalooooo, with love,


~WNB


.

Waitress

"I hope someday, somebody wants to hold you for twenty minutes straight and thats all they do. They don't pull away. They don't kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight, without an ounce of selfishness in it. "


-From the movie, Waitress.

One of my favorite quotes of all time.



Going through a pretty strange...time? Took down my "wall" finally. It was time. I did it at first to make room to hang my latest project, and then I slowly started to realize a lot of what was up didn't mean anything to me anymore. Like, I thought it did, but that was a long time ago. It doesn't actually hold any true meaning anymore and its time to let go.

I am normally pretty much of an emotional ratpacker (is that the word?). I like to save things, weird small things, that hold a little memory or meaning and I hate to ever let go. But then I go through these weird emotional (short-lived) phases where its okay to let go of these things. I know in myself that just because you throw something away, doesn't mean its gone from your heart. I threw maybe five or six meaningless things away and kept the rest, hidden in its own little folder in my drawer, tucked away for discovery on a rainy day 11 years from now. I love those discovery days.

So, the wall is gone...the epic wall of my creative psychoticness. Now, room for pictures of Europe and new things. Almost time to move out, soon.......One step closer now.


~WNB

Wow...?

Well, the epic weekend has come to a close, and boy was it full of surprises and learning experiences.

I had a lot of panic attacks. My panic attacks are unnoticeable...as in unless you really, really, really, really REALLY know me, you don't notice they are happening to me. I honestly don't think my ex-boyfriend whom I dated for almost 4 years could notice, and he is always able to tell when I have a headache or stomachache. I don't even think my parents could tell. So I keep it very hidden. I don't have obvious symptoms (i.e. short of breath, rapid pulse, sweating) but instead I feel it in my stomach and I feel like my entire world is collapsing around me and that I am unprotected and vulnerable. Sometimes they can be 10 seconds to a couple of minutes and usually the only cure is to be alone for a couple of minutes, or if that is not possible then I usually just quiet down and sort of "give myself a hug" (i.e. just wrap my arms around my stomach so that I cover that sense of feeling "unprotected"). OK but enough about that. Point is, I usually only get them a couple times a month and extremely sporadically. But this weekend I was having a couple a day. Not sure why....My longest one was Saturday morning, after breakfast, before seeing anyone really--And before going to the service--it just came over me. I immediately excused myself, came back to our hotel room and just hid underneath my covers...in my nice dress....I mean really- Who does that? Me, I guess. Not often though, I promise.


Anyway, the memorial service was really excellent. I am usually not an emotional person, by any means. I used to be proud of myself that I could be in very traumatic situations and not shed a tear....it just literally wouldnt happen. No tears. I guess now I realize I just never had anything to cry about, til now. Now, being 23, I friggen cry in movies. WTF is that?   

But honestly, I had already shed my tears for my grandmother. Don't get me wrong- I was still very sad and still in disbelief- but what made me actually cry was seeing everybody else  cry. My rocks...my aunts and uncles. My mom. I don't like to cry in front of people because I can't just shed a tear. If I am going to cry, I am going to bawl. So I didn't want to bawl. So I kept telling myself to just play it cool, play it cool, don't cry....but, I did. Seeing everyone else cry is really what did it.    

Other than that, though, there was never another cry-moment. The rest of the weekend was spent with my amazing crazy family, and it really was just like that dream I had, sort of a premonition of how the weekend was going to go. We talked about grandma, we laughed, we told stories, we shared pictures, we felt her there with us, too.

But what I learned most of all, is something  I should have realized long ago and what will ring true with me for the rest of my life. Just as I did realize in my dream, my grandma (in the dream) was healthy again. In real life, before passing, she was extremely not-healthy and her quality of life was rapidly decreasing. She could no longer do some of her favorite activities. But in the dream she was back in full health, full laughter....playing games with everyone.

Well, through talking with family, they helped me come to realize that my grandmother is happy right now. We joked around that by now she is organizing some sort of big event in heaven, she has already joined a choir to sing in and play her accordion, she has met up with people from her past, she has made wrong things right, and most of all, she feels healthy again. And she will always be looking down on us. So I don't worry about her, I am not sad anymore. I am happy for her. She got her happiness back. And she will be around to visit us all on occasions :-)


My cousins are growing at an extreme rapid rate....like almost non-human! Its quite comical because after me, 23, the next 'group' is my sisters 'group', composed of 2 18 year olds, a 17 year old, and a 15 year old. For the past ten years it has been a constant struggle.... Do I sit with the adults? Do I sit with the kids? But this year I found it much more widely entertaining to stick with the "kids", except they're not kids anymore! They are going to college! Crazy to think about when you remember them being born. 

My cousins from Florida, I see them grow up on Facebook, but its not the same as seeing them in person. And I haven't seen them in person in about 3 years or so...So last time I checked, they were still young teenagers. Well, this weekend they were mature, gorgeous, amazing kids *mini adults* and it was such a treasure to see them like so. One of my younger cousins, only 10, asked me what I was drinking today. I told him, wine. He says......"Are you old enough to drink wine?"  And I said, "yes, I'm 23."   Needless to say, he did not believe me! I guess everyone is growing at an alarming rate. I can't even believe i'm 23, actually. What kind of age is 23, anyway?


Well....time to hit it. Tomorrow is our epic 10 hour drive back home and I am lucky enough to be dropped off 3/4 of the way through to spend a fabulous night with my bestest college roommate EVER, and we will be seeing the Philadelphia fireworks on the fourth of July! So COOL! Im pretty sure it will come in second place after Amsterdam adventure in terms of best nights ever. I'll be sure to tell you all about its awesomeosity. :-) 


Before I leave you, I will leave you with delightful pictures:

This is SO SPECIAL. My grandfather came out today with a handful of my grandmothers jewelry, and said that grandma would be so happy for all of you girls to take a piece of her home with you. So we did! We all picked out some of her necklaces that fit our unique personalities, and I will forever cherish this, forever and ever and ever. And ever after that, too. And the cross- my grandmother loved to sew. Anything that could be sewn or embroidered, and she was on it. Well, She hand-made these crosses. I guess at one time she was making them to sell. Well, we found a box of them, all in different colors. We figured it would be nice for everyone of the family to have one, but would there be enough for all? Probably not. But alas, we counted them- and sure enough, to a tee- There was exactly enough embroidered crosses of hers to go around to every single family member-even our newly born 1 year old to the family. If that is not a direct gift to our family from my grandma in heaven- I don't know what is! So something more to forever cherish.....

Memorial service photos....Amazing to see her throughout her entire life span and how much we look like her!

This is the garden outside of her church....just gorgeous...

This is my cousin's first born!! Ahhhhh how are we old enough to have kids! AH! But he is just an ADORABLE bundle of JOY and I was so happy to have finally been able to meet him from Florida!

One of the 18 year old Floridian cousins trying to pretend like the grass is actually amazing to lie in like it is in the movies.....I never actually asked how it was but it sure didn't look amazing. But SHE is amazing!

This is my sister getting her hair braided by her one cousin, and my other cousin in front of her. I call them the three musketeers :)


Goodnight all! Thanks for reading....


~A writer in a Nurses Body
         

Blessed

Dreaming is such a special thing....it allows us to go on special journeys we can't actually do in real life on this earth. It allows us to talk to people we can't normally talk to, for various reasons. It allows us to do whatever we what to do, see whomever our subconscious wants us to see.


Last night, I was blessed enough in my dream to have been able to say goodbye, one last time to my grandmother.

Let me explain. It was truly an eerie dream and I wouldn't even be blogging about it if it weren't for it continuously popping back into my head. This coming weekend will be her memorial service, and lots and lots of relatives I know and that she knew will be attending. It will be a time not for mourning, per say but for a celebration of her wonderful life and time with us. It will be a time to spend time with other family and truly express how much we love one another through thick and thin.

Thats sort of what this dream was. It was the memorial weekend for her, just as it is coming, and everyone I expect to be there, was there. My families funny antics all happened, we laughed, we cried, we played jokes and pranks on one another. We were family. Most of all--my grandmother was there. In the dream, it was my understanding that although I knew we were there for her memorial services, that she had come back and had been revived and was in full health, full walking condition and everything, and was able to spend the weekend, and the weekend alone with us. We played board games. I saw her laugh one more time and smile once more in my sleep. She laughed at the childrens jokes once more, her giggly full-hearted laugh with her rosy cheeks.

Most importantly, we each got to say goodbye in the dream. I did. I got to see her once more.


Do you believe that ghosts can do this ? Do you believe they can "tap in" to our dream world and show themselves, for times like this ? Do you believe in any of that or do you think this was merely just a glimmer  of my subconscious envisioning her? Either way, I think, it doesn't matter. My mind conjured up a new experience with her, made from combining my subconscious already knows about her prior, and used all that to let me have one more memory, even if it is in a dream. One more memory.



I woke up happy.



~ WNB


Do you believe?

To Have Said Goodbye

I'm not sure how to say this....life post-Europe has been great. I have been seeing so many friends, old friends, friends, new friends.......I have been with family around the clock, both nuclear and out-of-state family...and this has all been a pretty happy time. But thats the thing. It makes me undeniably nervous. Nauseous.


With the recent *unexpected* passing of my maternal grandmother, it woke me up. That was my first close relative that has passed away....although I am with and around death so much at work and in other parts of my life, I was never a survivor until now.

It woke me up. It made me realize that we truly do take so much for granted, even if we are good people and don't intend to...Sometimes I think we think we are immortal. We forget death happens to all of us. We forget that our loved ones could die any minute, we could face death ourselves tomorrow and not know it. Any of us.

We forget that. Because its morbid, and depressing....But then the unexpected happens and we are left with not even being able to say goodbye.


This all has made me so jumpy, so anxious, so nervous....that I am going to lose more. If I lost my grandmother, I could lose my other grandmother too. I could lose my father who has a suspicious family history of heart disease. I could lose a close friend. It really has made me realize how fragile everyone is. How fragile I am.

I went to spend a week with my paternal grandmother this past week. Its been a long-due visit....and it shouldnt have been. I should be seeing her all the time. And with my maternal grandmother passing, it has motivated me to just drive out to see her and just....spend time with her. She tells me all the time when I am with her that she feels "guilty" that she is not "entertaining" me, but she doesn't even know that all I want is to just be around her.

With this newfound anxiety and feeling like I could lose it all in a second, I have been acting weird. I am trying so much harder to mentally-record special moments with loved ones I am afraid of losing....and when I can't rely on mental, I have been taking pictures with her too. Just savoring moments, taking it all in in case I have to remember it all tomorrow. Its eerie. I don't like being like this....but is it necessary, sometimes?

Everything happens for a reason. I firmly believe and know that. As unfortunate as it was, my grandmothers death happened for a reason....but what reason?

I guess we aren't always meant to know for what reason, but a reason there is. We just have to have faith.


I said earlier in my blog after it had just happened, that it didn't feel real. That I still expected to see her when I travelled next to North Carolina. To talk to her on the phone, still. To see a comment on one of my pictures on facebook from her. That her death was just a hiccup in her health and it was a quick hospital visit, but she's ok now. I'll see her. But thats not true, and Its starting to settle in now. For my mom and my aunt, they have both expressed it "settling in" when they call their house and their father will never more say, "Let me go get mom".

For me, it has hit in unexpected ways. The other day I browsed through my phone contacts and realized I had my grandmothers cell phone number saved. Did I ever even call it? Just to talk? Also, I was just viewing my blog followers and realized she registered as a blog follower, quite some time ago, so she could receive emails when I post. Its those little reminders that punch you in the stomach.

I feel extremely sad that she was so excited for me to be able to go to Europe...and she only got to see a few blogs. It kills me that she couldn't even have seen a single picture. If I had known, I would have made more of an effort to get pictures up for her to see.....but who ever knows? You can't live your life with the "If I had known...." racing through your negative thoughts. You didn't know. I didn't know. But I know now, and maybe the "reason" for it all is to make me stronger and to realize for the future how fragile life truly is, and to savor every breath, every moment. Say goodbye to people as if you won't see them again, tell them how much you love them. Every time you see them...


As a conclusion to this eerie post, I leave you with an eerie finding. A week or so I stumbled across one of my county college's literature book that I have been published several times in, back in the day. The following poem is a poem I wrote back in 2006, to express the heartbreak of loss. Losing someone close to you. How that feels. It just seemed fitting that I just happened to stumble across it again, now. Like I wrote it for the future almost.....


"To Say Goodbye"

It's Learning
                    To say goodbye.
                                  To look through this fine print,
And see, eye for eye, the impact that has hit.
                    To say goodbye,
Is learning
                    That this is the hardest part of dying.
It's not the pain that comes with it....
                     Not the physical pain.
                                      It's the tearing.
                                                 The Ripping Away,
                                                          At an innocent heart.
                                                                             Innocent?

It's an Anger,
                        masking an inevitable sadness.
                                                           A fear.
                                                           A Hope.
A dream.

                                                           A truth.

It's pretending to be angry, so you don't have to;
                                Cry,
                                Let go.
An anger,
                For leaving us here.
                             For giving up.
                                         For seeing the light.
                                                     Without us.

For knowing that in the end, they chose death,
                     rather than pain.
                                             They chose heaven.
                                             They turned down life.
                                                           A change.
                                                           A chance?

An anger. A frustration.
                You should have stopped them.
                You should have been there.
You didn't say goodbye....So much anger.
You think about it,
                 over and over and over again.
        What could have gone differently?

Would it have been wrong to have asked you to stay?
                                Because of a need?
                                An inability to let go?
                                                    to say goodbye?
A fear?
             Of being alone?


One more chance......

                                     .....to say goodbye.



I love you Grandma. Miss you. Miss your smile.



~A Writer in a Nurse's Body




                         

What the Heck?

I cried three, THREE, times last night during the movie edition of "A Walk to Remember".

I have seen it before and have never cried!

What is this!

Really good movie, though.

I think we cry during movies when we actually have other things to cry about in life and the movie just gives us a really good excuse to cry. Three times. Sometimes the movie reminds you of something/someone and that brings out memories that make you cry. Sometimes the situations the characters are going through are extremely similar to what you are going through or have faced in the past and that makes you cry. Sometimes what the characters go through makes you cry in fear of it happening to you in the future, and you cannot bear the thought.


I have never cried in a movie before. OK maybe I cried in the Notebook. And Nights of Rodanthe.  Oh my god I'm seeing a trend.....


Damn, Nicholas Sparks!! What are you doing to us women??


~WNB

P.S.- This is my 300th post! Weird.

Digging Through the Past 10 Years

So I'm home from college! For a month. Feels good. Feels good to be done with that insane class. Anyway, so I come into my room which is a messy mess, because my family randomly comes in and puts stuff in here because it "belongs to me" and it "doesnt belong in the rest of the house" even though, this stuff is mostly junk and I don't know what to do with it either. So I began the day this morning by cleaning my room, just clearing out the obvious junk, dusting, the usual. Well, I finished that early enough and I decided I wanted to go through my drawers....my memory drawers. It is hard to open them (I had 2) because they are so full. But they are so disorganized, which drove me nuts. You could pull some memory out from last week I put in or from 8 years ago, right next to each other. So I changed that. It took me, alllll evening and night and a LOT of laughing, a lot of memories to go through, and even some tears. Memories are very powerful. THats why I can never seem to let go of them. Although, I was proud of myself because I let go of this many:

Mind you, that garbage bag is FULL.

I am a pack rat, I love holding on to silly things, even small movie tickets. So Its a battle with myself, letting things go. But I have to ask myself with every item, "how does this help you in your future? Do you really need this? Is this a document of a memory that you already have in your head anyway, or is this something that really needs to be saved?" And then after knowing that it really doesn't need to be saved, I can throw things out. And, sometimes, after going through memories...you come across memories that you don't want  anymore, you want to erase them...and what better way to do that then to throw them away?

So now, My completion:

It looks like just a drawer of random files, but it is so much more. It ranges from high school report cards, to senior portraits, to love letters, to ex boyfriends, to letters (very many!) from friends in high school (letter writing was big with us, we didn't really use texting), to photos, to random gadgets, to printed IM conversations ( I used to do that-weird), to old journal entries, to my entire collection of writing (poetry, short stories, novels) all from High school and some college.

Crazy stuff. Shitload of memories. All good :) And the drawer opens and closes so nicely now! And my room is CLEAN. So, overall, it was a very productive day. Fresh start to my last college christmas break...woah.