"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
It is so easy to see, dysfunction between you and me.
We must free up these tired souls, before the sadness kills us both.
I tried and tried to let you know, I love you but I'm letting go,
It may not last but I don't know, I Just don't know...
And If you don't know, then you can't care
You show up, but you're not there
But I'm waiting, and you want to,
So afraid that I will desert you.
Everyday, with every worthless word, we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay.
Nothing Lasts Forever but be honest babe,
It hurts but it may be the only way.
A bed thats warm with memories can heal us temporarily.
THe misbehaving only makes the ditch between us so damn deep.
I built a wall around my heart, never let it fall apart.
Strangely I wish secretly, it would fall down while I'm asleep...
Tough we have not yet hit the ground
But that doesnt mean were not still falling.
I want so bad to pick you up, but you're still too reluctant to accept my help
What a shame, I hope you find somewhere to place the blame..
Nothing Lasts forever but be honest babe, It hurts but it may be the only way.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
No but really even just as I'm typing this I am falling asleep. I friggen just slept 4+ hours! But all my muscles feel tired. My arms, they feel heavy and weak. Everything. Ive considered Iron deficiency...I wish I could test my own Iron, but I need a doctor order blood test to do that. I think thats the problem. or it could be anyway. I forgot to take my vitamin this morning, and yesterday morning, and forgot to take it saturday too. THe vitamin has Iron in it, and the week and a half that I was able to take it everyday without forgetting, I felt amazing. THis is how I felt when I was on the Prozac for the week and a half i was on it like 2 months ago. I stopped taking it because I felt like an exhausted Zombie.
On a good note, my headaches and stomachaches have been ASTOUNDINGLY better! I've been staying away from Dairy and tomato products (ketchup, pasta sauce, tomatos, etc.) which seem to attack my stomach, and Ive been taking a multivitamin for my head, and when I forget to take it, I get the headache back. Maybe I'm just totally deficient in all my vitamins and thats the answer to all my problems.
I'm going to go try taking a shower so that *maybe* I can pull off staying up til 11. Woah there, lets dream big.
And maybe clean my room, like I was supposed to.
tomorrow will be the same. Nothing to do....Just a "relax" day. THats the problem. Nothing to do...but I DO have things to do...get ready for school, homework, I could paint, I could read, go swimming, elliptical, write, b &N, ANYTHING! I just have to make a gate around my bed and all couches and not let myself SLEEP. Its a no win, because If i had filled up tuesdays and wednesdays with something to do (work of some kind), i would have been miserable because then I get no-time off, no relax Julie time....and I despise my job, so I dont want to be there either. But at least it keeps me going, keeps me awake and moving, focused on other people other than myself.
OK, shower time. I hope. SHowers usually help.
I have so much more to say. Maybe I'll make another long post tonight or tomorrow lol. Can i just keep typing?
Sunday, July 25, 2010
GeoTagged, [N35.60917, E77.35673]
The other day, I came to a rather interesting epiphany in terms my intense fear of the ocean. It all started when I was listening to "part of your world" from The Little Mermaid (don't be a hater-it's my favorite Disney show!) and I'm thinking, damn wouldn't it be awesome to be a mermaid? Lol not because it's a fictional creation, but she gets to swim all day in the ocean, go anywhere, do anything. I love the feeling of swimming, the feeling of your hair in the water... I love fish too. And then as I'm thinking about this I'm like hey, stupid, aren't I terrified of the ocean? Duh, yes. I scream when I have to go in til knee deep. So then how did I catch myself dreaming about the life in the ocean? Wayyy past knee deep? I have a couple theories.
My first is that it is all how you look at a fear. Isn't it fascinating? Think of what you are afraid of. Some people are terrified of bridges, but are you still scared If you had to drive on the same bridge, but it wasn't high up anymore? Some people are afraid of the height aspect of it, some are afraid of the engineering aspect of it, afraid it will crumble. What would it take, to get past that? I didn't think anything could get me past my fear of the ocean. Until I caught myself dreaming about it. Then I wanted to think about what it was exactly that scared me about the ocean and I can come up with one word: The Unknown. The unknown about what's around you, what creatures, what ledges that will suddenly drop off and you're SOL? Sharks? Where are they? Unknown that you could be swept away by the cruel waves... Swept out to sea without mercy... The funny thing is that I'm in LOVE with the beach, with the sand, laying out in the sand, listening to the waves... It is truly one of my favorite things to do. Funny how things work. My other theory was that maybe , my inner dreaming about being alone, swimming all day in the ocean, was a subconcsious plea that I want to escape the life I'm in? That I'm in search for another world, somewhere else that doesn't have nursing, no money, no overwhelming choices that are haunting me about my near future... (I'm getting more and more anxiety about what's coming- day by day- it's getting annoyingly closer :( )
My other theory is that the ocean can be seen in two ways: a monster or a gorgeous friend. I choose to see it as a monster, but I can understand why other people see it differently, for it's beauty. I would love to not be afraid and just have that be my home, a place of endless journeys and opportunities.. I guess I'm just jealous of Ariel lol. I'm laughing at myself typing this because I'm describing not what the ocean is, but whAt our earth is. I have endless possibilities ahead of me, I have choices, I have endless journeys too... I just have to start making them and that scares me. A lot.
I attached a photo because it's one of my favorite pieces of artwork I have done, and it matches the tone of this blog :)
Monday, July 19, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
I watched a movie tonight with my sister. This scene happened, it was supposed to be mildly funny and for some reason i found it hilarious and I could not stop laughing. No not even laughing, It was the type where you are hunched over and your stomach hurts and you are crying and cannot move because you are laughing so hard. It wasnt even that funny, trust me, and I knew that. It just felt so good to laugh...I haven't laughed in so long....Like, really laughed. I miss that. Things could be terrible but when you have a laugh like that, everything is better for just that minute. Imagine if they could put that in a bottle.
I feel like I'm on everyone's bad side-- as if I have managed to piss everyone I know off--without doing anything. Just in the wrong places, wrong times. I feel like I no longer have any good attributes. I have a boyfriend that expends energy on picking out my faults and making fun of them, or expanding them more or just making me feel awful about it...I do everything I can to make his life better and it gets me no where. Its not that Im mad at him for it--how strange is that? I'm too...numb.? to even care...and everyone bugs me about it, but what do i care? I always am hoping it will get better if im just nicer...i sound like a freak. I'm honestly not sure if he could pick any good quality about me, and talent, and feature, any piece of my personality. I just want to be liked, loved I guess...Why is that so much to ask from a long term relationship?
We are just so different. Neither of us are bad people. Just so different. We always have been... I just dont know what to do anymore.