Facepalm.

The past....couple days...week....month...have just been the type of days where I just want to be like......*facepalm*. Complete and utter failures, some on my part and some on other peoples parts.

It's hard to explain. It just seems that lately, no matter what direction I turn in, there is somebody there to point me in the other direction (in a not friendly way), or someone that is telling me I'm doing whatever I'm doing, wrong.

I hate confrontation. I'm beginning to really learn this about myself. I've always known growing up that I hate confrontation, but I'm just seeing now as I age into my mid twenties how much of a big problem it is. In high school and college, It was easier to let things go, let things slide. It was OK to get pushed over because the people that were primarily doing the pushing was my own parents, getting me to better myself more and more. But what else was there really to worry about? I had a part time job and that money went to funding things I enjoyed. No adult problems, I was well taken care of. So why strengthen the need to defend myself?

Until now. Hitting mid-twenties and living away from the parents, working a full time job. My friends are getting older with me, all with their own serious problems as well. They are getting married, having babies, being parents....life is rapidly changing around me. I am dating and this leads to really learning a LOT about the human race and how screwed up some people are out there.

All of those above unique scenarios lead to the inevitable set of confrontations. Two people are bound to come to a problem, and there needs to be a solution. Only two things can happen:  1) The two people can compromise.  2) One person has to completely back down.


Lately, I feel like I am doing nothing but continuously backing down. Not just for the same person, either- but in my job, in my living quarters, in my family, in my friendships, in the dating world. And its making me jaded. The more and more I witness the human race behaving like this the more I revert back to my original dream of wanting to live in a tiny cottage at the top of a mountain, alone.

I am the type of person that will do your side of your work for you, without being asked. Just because. I will go out of my way to help you and expect nothing in return. If I owe you money I will do my absolute best to pay you back as soon as I can. If you owe me money, I will never say anything. If I ask how your day is and you don't return the question, I'm still just as nice to you. I will pay for my friends/dates to eat or do whatever we are doing. I let my friends/dates pick whatever they want to do, what they want to eat.


Why, do you ask? Because I don't know how to be anything else. I literally don't know how to tell someone "you're being a JERK, and you are SO WRONG, why can't you SEE THAT?" Instead I keep it all bottled up. I guess part of it stems from being a nurse. We are trained to be able to keep a poker face when being in very awkward or difficult situations and to never talk back to a patient. So I guess I take that nature home with me.

A lot of me has always believed strongly in Karma. I think, "Okay- If I can handle this wrongdoing to me now, karma will bite them in the ass." Or, "maybe this person doesn't realize they are doing something wrong. Maybe next time they will realize and be extra sorry."

But it never happens that way. Karma never comes through. At least not in ways I can visibly see. People around me- acquaintances and people I consider friends, continuously make the same patterns and do it over and over.

And I get it. I do. If I never say something, then how are they supposed to know they are doing anything wrong? I guess I'm naive and immature in thinking that "Oh, eventually they will grow up and look back and realize they were wrong." But will they? Do people ever really change? No.

And lately I've been working on balancing out the wrongdoings. I make baby steps and confront people on the smaller issues but I have this inferiority complex and I instantly feel like a mouse asking for a cookie. A cookie that was never that persons cookie in the first place. Somehow I've either managed to surround myself with very dominant personalities or maybe I am just that introverted on the scale.

The only confrontation I know how to do is avoidance. And by avoidance, that means I won't seek you out for anything, even if you are the only person I know that can do me a particular favor. I will build my own damn house by myself before asking you for a hammer if I'm trying to avoid you. But I'm not even strong enough to tell you off or to even TELL you I'm upset once you do seek me out for whatever you need.

I let people walk all over me because I'd so much rather be the one thats hurt than worry about you being hurt, and I'm the one that hurt you. Is that so wrong? I know I can't let everyone walk all over me. I have to find a balance. But even when I attempt to fight back, it retaliates so much and backfires so drastically in my face, and things end up even worse than they were before. So I stop trying.


Lately it just seems like I've been dancing with the devil in many forms. You can't beat the devil. You have to get the F out of hell before he knows you are down there. And again, I leave hell thinking "boy, I really hope the devil meets his karma". But he won't. He's the devil. There is evil in this world and good. And I grew up thinking the good will always win. If you always do good for other people, people will do good to you. We always learned in elementary school to "treat others how you would like to be treated" and that motto always stuck in my head. But the devil will always be there, and he doesn't seem to give a flying shitwad if you treat him well, he's still going to screw you over.

Humanity makes me sad. Lately strangers make me happy because I don't expect them to be decent. Strangers can go either way, and it makes your day when a total stranger does something really nice for you. We live in a strange dark world and it brightens your day when a stranger smiles at you from across the room. Suddenly you don't feel as alone.


 I hope my faith in humanity comes back soon. I miss it.

I get that I am wrong here too in a lot of ways. I have disabled and very disorganized coping mechanisms. I get that. I need help with that. But part of me just wants to go build an igloo in Alaska, live there, and call it a day.



Sorry for the depressing mombojumbo post. I guess this is one of my few places I can let myself vent, even just a little bit.


~WNB.



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It's a Social Thing?

So I gave up restaurants for Lent. Specifically, chain restaurants.

I'm not normally a religious person. I used to feel guilty about this, but I have learned a lot more about the world now. I go to church for Christmas and Easter, but it's for making my family happy and celebrating our blessings together as a family.

I do believe in a higher power that kind of "knows whats going on" and I am one of those people that believes everything happens for a reason, even terrible terrible things and that if one door closes, a window or door or crack in the wall is opening at the same time. So when terrible things are happening, I try and just ride it out and wait....things can only be horrible for so long. And sometimes it just takes looking at it a different way. Or sometimes, you can't just wait for "things to happen" and you have to go out there and make a change yourself. So its a mixture, I guess. But the impetus that caused you to snap and "go out and make your own change"....was that your choice, or was that impetus placed so that you could make a change in your life? Did the chicken or the egg come first?

So thats my schpeel (sp?) on religion.

So, thinking about all that, I did Lent not-so-much just for religious reasons. I chose it because I wanted a challenge. My father and I were chatting right at the beginning of Lent, and he had mentioned briefly how someone he knew was giving up Facebook (Apparently a lot of people do this!). And I thought.....man, no way. That is really hard to do. I can't even imagine. There is no way I am at a point of maturity in my life where I can think about separating from Facebook right now. That is really, really hard.

So (I'm sorry I start every paragraph with "so") then I thought about it....what else in this world could I give up, that I love, that would be hard, yet do-able? Facebook I love, and would be hard, but not-doable. It would probably teach me a lot and be life-changing....but...no. Could I give up meat? No...what would I eat? I unfortunately rely on chicken a lot...especially at restaurants. Oh, wait- RESTAURANTS. I'm giving up restaurants, I thought. So then I narrowed it down to chain restaurants. Why? Well, It goes along with my feelings on how ridiculous this food industry is and how these large chains are getting unhealthier and unhealthier. So since I knew it would be hard to give up restaurants completely, I made it so that I could eat out if It were a non-chain, and preferably family-run, home-cooked style type food.

Well, I have slipped....twice so far. The first, was in NYC when I was with a friend and her family to see a Broadway show....we went over the span of dinner time and were out until really late. So even if I ate a huge lunch, I wouldn't make it til 1 am because I die quickly if I don't eat. So....What else am I supposed to do? So that day, I made another exception- I can eat out if I am travelling. So that allowed me to eat out when I recently attended my state nursing convention last night- we stayed overnight. So....I had to eat, and well- (we were in Atlantic City), that is not a city to be wandering around looking for a non-chain restaurant..even if we were with military personnel. SO that all worked out, AND I ended up finding a fantastic restaurant (See Yesterday's Post).

But......but now my first unavoidable difficulty arises. What happens when you get an invite to go out to eat with some really good friends, that you haven't seen in a long time because they all live out of town....and they will be in for one night...and they want to go out to eat....in your hometown....So technically, this doesn't apply to any of my already existing "exceptions". I could make another exception and say screw it- I can go out to eat when I'm with friends I haven't seen in forever....Or I could eat before hand, and just drink water with them at the restaurant. But then that rises weird suspicions that I am "Anorexic" or something now, (even though trust me- I do not look anorexic). So....that leaves me with.....nada.

What I'm going to do (to be polite) is to just eat with them. Even though its Lent, and you're really supposed to stick to what you say......or else...( I don't know what actually happens if you don't), sometimes its really hard not to.

I guess this reflects what I have known all along. I can deny eating out when its convenient. I can cook at home then. I can deny eating out with my family, because although they think I am insane, they understand. Because they have to. But social situations.......that's hard. Because what else is there to do in a small town, when friends want to get together and talk? Its like, automatic that you just go out to eat. I can't decide if this is a good thing or not. It certainly is promoting our obesity epidemic...and it isn't helping our sinking food industry. But it gives a place for friends to meet...laugh, talk, catch up, remind you of old times. We don't have anywhere else, in this town, or really- in this country- to do so. Unless you want to go bowling.

I haven't lost any weight from not eating out....which I thought I would...but it still helps a lot. It helps me feel better because it helps me stay away from Milk a lot better...and even if I haven't lost weight, it still is just a healthier lifestyle. Don't get me wrong, I love going out to eat. I really do. I have like...a problem with it. A food problem. I have noticed this in myself since my early teenage years. I associate working hard all day with friends, family or yourself to going out to eat together to celebrate working hard all day. I guess that's just how I've been raised. You work hard, you get to go out to eat. So I'm trying to break that association within myself. How about- you work hard, you get to come home and cook a delicious meal at home! Yeah? Yeah? YEah! Ok well, we'll work on that. So giving up restaurants isn't easy. They taste yummy, they are easy, you dont have to cook, clean, you can order anything you want...meet with friends. So, its not easy.

So...thoughts? Is it ok to make exceptions when it comes to Lent? I guess it's gonna have to be....I really want to continue this challenge even after Lent. I want to be a little more lenient after Lent, but I really want to really cut down on restaurants.


~A Writer in a Nurse's Body

A Handy Phrase, and Filtering

Hi! So, first of all, how the heck did my day literally just go from getting out of clinical at 2pm to being 7pm?? what the heck did I do for the last 5 hours?? Seriously? I usually love daylight savings and having more light but this is really screwing me up....I see its light out and I think, "Oh, I have a lot more time in my day." But then I look down at the clock and it is SEVEN O FIVE. P.M. AND ITS STILL LIGHT OUT. At least when our days are short, when it gets dark dark at like 5, its a warning that you have to really get started on the rest of your night....now, we get our warning 7-8 and by then its like, crap...I have to eat dinner and do all my work. What have I been doing??

OK enough about nature.

This past weekend I picked up a really good phrase to use in nursing. I don't like to call it a "phrase" because I don't want to make it seem like "I use it on everybody" but.....well, nurses do. Nurses encounter a lot of similar situations and "classic" situations and need a "bag of phrases" to come out with that aren't "too cliche-y"...(example- "I'm dying"  "No of course not!")

I have had patients that told me they are dying or are afraid that they are sitting on their deathbed. And I know I will have the same occurrences when I'm a nurse. And thinking about it, I never know what to say.  "Am I dying??"  Me:  "Um, well.. Let me get your nurse."    I can't do that when I'm the nurse. I can't rely on the nurse anymore to think of things and fix things when I am the nurse. So, I needed something that I could say to patients when this situation arose. Well, this past weekend at work I had a patient that is certainly not doing well but I honestly wouldn't say she is dying. Maybe extremely depressed due to situational factors but not dying. But, while I happened to be in the room, she told her daughter, "I'm dying, aren't I?"   I sort of just stopped moving and stayed quiet and pretended to do something really important while her daughter thought of a response. But she shot right back to her mom, "Well Mom, We're all dying, day by day, but I don't think you're going anywhere anytime soon."

So simple. So true. And yet why didn't I think of that? Its a good one to pull out on someone that really isn't dying but think they are. Of course no one actually knows if someone is going to die, but we can presume based on presenting data. Of course this isn't a fix for someone that you know really is  on their deathbed and they ask you, eye to eye, "Am I dying?"

I don't want to lie to a patient, ever. But....What are you supposed to say? Yes? Maybe by tomorrow? Next week? Next year? In an hour? Start praying? Call your family? So I still have to think about this one.

New topic: Filtering.

Lately, for like the past year, and its been getting progressively worse ( I don't know why), I am doing a horrible  job at filtering whatever decides to come out of my mouth. So, so, so  SO many times lately I will say something to somebody, or to a group, or write it on facebook or on this blog, or WHATEVER, and somehow it offends somebody. Whereas I never mean it like it comes out, it just sounds really bad the way I say things sometimes. Sometimes I realized I may  have or probably offended someone but they are just keeping quiet about it, and then I stress about it for the next week. Other times, like yesterday, someone literally said in a serious voice, "You realize you just insulted me?"  I was like......wait, what? I thought about what I said, thought about it again, and even thought about it again, and couldn't find where I was insulting her. Turns out she just misunderstood and what I said sounded completely different than what I was actually thinking, I guess. BUt I fixed it. I think. maybe. Anyway, regardless, I need to stoppppppp just talkinggggg. I have literally have to just say to myself, "OK. Seriously, just shut UP. STOP TALKING." If I don't talk, I can't say anything stupid or offend anyone.

I used to really filter my thoughts. I thought everything through, word by word, before I said it. But I hardly ever said anything. I didn't know  anything. I didn't have any opinions. Now I do. Now I want them to be known....I dont want to just be quiet. I guess that comes hand in hand with offending some people that don't agree? I just hate hurting people when I never intended it for it to be that way. Sometimes I say something in general that might be offensive, and it turns out that it highly relates to the person I am talking to and I didn't know it. Another reason to live in a cave and just stop talking forever. Sounds like a good idea to me.

My food industry opinions get my in trouble a lot....But I am trying really hard not to annoy people with that. I just seriously need to start filtering my thoughts! Stop blurting things out! Multiple times within the past month I have sounded like a complete idiot. Oh well. Life goes on.

But actually, some people out there say to not filter your thoughts. Because that makes you fake and not-honest. When you have to pre-meditate everything you say to cater to who you are talking to. Some people really just don't give a shit. Some people just have their opinions and people that don't agree can go....well, you know. Some people don't care if they offend a group of people or a person, because they don't need people. I don't need people either, but I genuinely hate offending people. I don't like being mean, ever, and don't ever mean to hurt anyone. Thats why I'd so much rather just stop talking ever. Too bad I have a blog I can't let go of....lol. But I usually am really careful (most of the time) on what I share on this blog.

OK I'm going to stop talking now.

~ WNB

I seriously just talk way too much. Stop talking.

Social Awkwardness Question

Okay here's the situation:

You are at work...or, anywhere, really, (I happened to be at work but it could happen anywhere), and you are with someone (like a coworker) at the dinner cafeteria. Now, in my work culture, all the 3-11 aides through out the hospital usually know each other, and usually, we sit down and eat together at dinner to discuss our floors or the weather, or complain, or vent, or whatever. But that doesn't mean we really, really, know each other, it just means we have conversations, we know a *little* bit about another, but don't *really* know the person. So, say,  you are in a situation where it is just you and a coworker that you say hi to every now and then, but don't really know any of their business, and frankly, don't want to. And they don't know anything  about you. All you know about each other is where you work. Well, All is quiet between us at the dinner table. I am staring intensely at my turkey sandwich and she is texting on her cell phone. All of the sudden, she says, (while looking at her cell phone), "Oh my god."   I sort of shift in my seat...and break away from the interesting turkey sandwich, and sort of look up at her, but she is still staring at phone.  then she repeats with a mild moan, "Oh my god." So I'm like.....okay...and then she's all like, "Oh, what the hell? This sucks!" 

So my question of social etiquette-ness to you, the public, is this- Should I- who doesn't want to get into their business but wants to be polite, say, "Whats wrong?"  If you don't ask, you're just sitting there like a monkey and you appear cold and that you don't care that apparently, something very negative is on her cell phone.  But if you do ask, its like you re nosy and you are stepping on someone Else's personal life....but do you just sit there??  I mean, this could happen at any place...work, a bus station, an ice cream store, in line, in a jungle....so be ready.

What I ended up doing, because I couldn't think of what to do right away and I'm a bumble monkey- Just sort of stared at her cell phone as if it would magically transmit its information to me and I could further assess the situation. Eventually she saw I was sitting there staring and I really just wanted to finish my sandwich, but I wasn't saying anything so she just told me what was up because maybe- she realized she sounded like she thought the world was ending.

I don't know. Has this ever happened to any of you? What did you do?? I really think I have Asperger's sometimes because I over analyze stuff like this and I obviously then blog about it. And If I think I walked out of a situation acting like a *complete* idiot, then It takes me like a whole 24 hours to get it off my mind. I hate messing up socially. And I've been doing it a lot lately, like mostly opening my mouth to speak when I haven't thought it through and I usually end up offending someone. Ahhh, but anyway- long day today at work, but nothing exciting and blog worthy. So, Its bedtime. Night folks!

~WNB