Anxiety.

HI! Wow. Okay. So, I know I can't give this disclaimer every friggen time I post, but again, I am so sorry for not updating more often lately. Life has been.....really strange lately? My "me" time has been severely compromised. Its January 13th and I feel like I'm still waiting for the holidays to just simmer down. Is it terribly wrong that I am longing for a day, just one day, to just have to lie in bed and watch tv, read, draw, and eat all day? Not see anyone, not run any errands, not work, not solve any problems......?  And yet I can't ask for that. That, for me, is not healthy, and I've come to realize that. If I let myself do that, I don't come out of it. Once in bed doing nothing for the day, I never want to stop. Suddenly the simplest errand to run becomes a giant, monumental task that I come up with multiple reasons why I shouldn't do it. I make up lots and lots of reasons why I should stay in bed therefore and only get out to eat, sometimes.

So I have to have balance. And that is hard to find, especially on night shift. Because on top of it all, on a work day, on a off-day, on a normal day, on a not normal day, I'm tired. I'm tired when I slept all day to recover from the previous night shift. I'm constantly yawning. So I want to crawl into bed. The bed, all the sudden, becomes the number one priority and I just can't wait to crawl back in, day after day, always looking for the next opportunity that I can sleep and I'm allowed to sleep.

So, I have to figure something out, I guess. Each day, I try to accomplish a mission on my neverending to-do list. Something I've been procrastinating, putting off. Something I've been afraid to do or finish. Each one of these tasks that I accomplish, life gets a little better and I can sleep better, knowing that at least I accomplished something small that day. Anything.


I know that this lifestyle is worth it. That I'll get through it. That despite the above depressing three paragraphs, that I am in here and I am going to be OK. It's winter. I'm on night shift. I see the sun 5% of the time it is out. I am practically a vampire. I like to follow the delusion that I am reacting normally, and I'll be fine. I definitely don't plan to be on night shift for long. 

I know its worth it because I help people at work. I know I do. Its the hardest job I have ever done thus far, and who knows, maybe the hardest division of nursing. Floor nursing.


I am getting better every day. Every shift. I learn something new every day at work. I am slowly developing a bag of skills and tricks to use to make me a better nurse in the future. Other nurses have told me they forget that I'm new, and forget that they need to help me at times, because they think I'm good. And that is good, I guess, but it makes it hard. I like figuring things out, I like solving problems for patients. I like making ethical decisions. I can't wait to be a seasoned experienced nurse so that I can do all those things, except better. I try and solve problems now, and I do, but in 10, 20 years....I can exponentially solve those problems even better. I can't wait to have those extraordinary skills. That "nursing instinct". To know what is wrong with my patient without even them running a test. I want that.


I'm doing fabulously better with communication with doctors. Extraordinary. I never thought I'd say this, but the problem went from being 95% of a problem to nearly 5%. I learned pretty quickly that, 1) Doctors signed on to be called at the randomest of times when they took an oath be a doctor, that 2) if they don't want to be called, they'd have hospitalist/residents cover for them, and 3) in the heat of the moment, you don't have time to be nervous to call the doctor, you just have to call and 4) it is your JOB to at least call the doctor and make them aware.

So thats not a problem for me anymore.

What is my current problem? The simple, mundane task of starting an IV. I am not getting them. The one thing I thought I'd be good at, the one thing I thought I'd enjoy doing....I'm just not getting it. I'm not getting the best veins to go for in the first place. I see everyone as a "hard stick" unless they have bulging veins I could put a 18 G in. Its my number one thing I'm afraid of. I know this fear will go away by practicing. But practicing sucks for your victims. I hate hurting people. I hate having to stick people just so I can get practice, and then not getting the stick and having to send better nurses in.  But, I'm still only 3 months old. I'll get it. In time. Just have to....keep practicing.


Other than that, I just have to learn new things yet. I have to just wait for new experiences.

I'm still afraid to have my first Code, or even first CAT/ RRT call. I'm trying to avoid my first Code BY calling the CAT/RRT before the Code. I try to do my best by remembering everything about my patient all the time so that in the unfortunate a code or CAT/RRT call happens, I can tell the team everything they need to know....but I'm still pretty scared.

The worst part of it all is the anxiety. The insomnia. Every time i do try and sleep, my entire shift replays in my head. Did I cross my T's and dot my I's? Did I remember to waste all the drugs in the machine. Did I remember to chart about everything I did? These thoughts race through my head. My entire shift gets repeated, constantly, in my head, just waiting for a mistake for me to realize I did, so that I don't get any sleep. I hope that 1) this is normal for new nurses and 2) this will go away soon....its exhausting and definitely not contributing to restful sleep.


Well, I work tonight. Every shift I have to make myself a better nurse, somehow. I remember always having a back up plan in school, like- "If I don't pass this test, or if I fail out of the program, what am I going to major in next? What will I do?"  Well I passed school, I graduated, I got a job now. Obviously. But the confidence still isn't there. I'm still constantly conjuring up a back up plan. Is that detrimental to my career? I'm constantly thinking, "If I get sued so bad I can't practice anymore, or If I got fired, or If I got laid off, or lost my license, what would I do with my life? Would I be able to move on? To do something else? To maybe follow my real dream, art?" I think these thoughts are detrimental.



But anyway. Time to get some shut-eye before tonights shift. Sorry, depressing post. But it helped, a lot. Got a lot of my current anxious thoughts out of my head. Look forward soon to a happy post. With photography. And artwork. And a movie review! Coming up! :-)


With love,


~WNB


PS- Don't worry about me, I'll be alright. I promise :-)


.

Most Random Collection of Updates EVER

Hi! I'm alive! I made it through the rough waters.....right now, I'm still out at sea. I'm still swimming my little heart away. In fact, I can barely just see the shore. I can see it...but its so far away that I know no matter how hard I swim, its going to be a long time before I get there. But, in terms of this analogy, the storm in the sea is over. For now.

We just finished a 30 page paper with a group of five people. Can you guess how many fights broke out among supposed "friends" among our entire class over this group paper? A lot. Do you know how hard it is to write a thirty page paper with four other people? Pretty hard. So, in case you were wondering, thats what I have been doing. We also had a midterm due the same day that was assigned 2 days prior that also required a three page paper on top of it. On top of all this, we still have "Normal" work, like...reading for class. SO, my entire program is on its last string and the entire building is nothing but tension. But, like I said, the storm is over. We handed our papers in and our midterms in...now, I can look forward to two group presenations, A couple of little papers, and some more clinical work. So were not done yet. But graduation (the shore line- the BEACH!) is close....

My Europe trip is coming....I'm so excited!

Anyway.


So, the other day at clinical, I was partnered with a male classmate in my class to go to a senior citizens complex and take their blood pressures and give them education and whatnot. We are required to wear lab coats, a white collared shirt, and black pants. The guy I was with had a tie, too. And we both had stethoscopes. Well, we spent a little time with this one lady. My male classmate did a lot of the education and I threw in a couple words in there when he let me talk- without confusing the patient- and she felt comfortable with the information she learned. Well, at the end she took an interest in us, and asked me what type of nursing I was interested in doing and where I wanted to work- so I told her I wasn't sure yet, and that I was applying to a couple places, etc. She then asked my male classmate when he was going to be done with "Med School" and when he would be a doctor. We were both silent for a second to process that question and my classmate responded, "Um, I'm in the nursing program, too. We graduate together, I'll be a nurse next year."

Patient: "Oh....This whole time I thought you were a doctor."


I knew it existed. I know that people think males shouldnt be nurses and that if a guy is in a fancy lab coat with a tie, oh my- they must be a doctor. *EVEN THOUGH* I was in the same dresscode- (minus the tie) and I was *obviously* a nurse. Oy. As for the differentation between doctors and nurses, I don't blame the general public. In this case, I was a little erked because we were in the same clothes and it was a matter of gender to differentiate between the doctor and nurse. But in the hospital, I don't blame patients. I have been asked a number of times if I am the doctor they are waiting to see. I have to hold back a giggle and a look of utter suprise when I tell them that no, I am definitely not their doctor. What I really want to say is, "Do I even look old enough to be a doctor???" I think its the lab coat that does it for people, though. When I research patient information for clinical, we wear lab coats in and out of the hospital and we are required to look professional. I have had a couple people approach me for a request of some kind and address me as "Excuse me, Dr., but I..." I just look at them funny. In my very first class at this school I am graduating from, It was a summer class, and there were only six or eight of us, that are mostly still in the program to this day. I got paired up with a lab partner who happened to be in her 30s and when working with me in the lab, she said, "Why are you going to be a nurse?" ..... I said, "Well, I want to help people, and yadayadayada, and she interrupted with, "No, I mean...why not just be a doctor? You're so young yet, and you are so smart. YOu are definitely smart enough to be a doctor." Back then, I was too surprised to come back with a response. What I wish now that I could have said then is, "I am smart enough to become a nurse too, which in my opinion, is harder anyway." I probably, probably could squeak by in med school and be a doctor. But I don't want to be the medical personnel that comes in for five minutes, gets paid more than the nurse makes in a shift for that five minutes, and be the superhero, and then leave. I would honestly, 100%, rather be the hard-working nurse that is with the patient for the whole 12 hours. The doctors make the calls, yes, but the nurses make the difference.


Speaking of patients, the same day as the doctor-nurse mix-up, I had a rather interesting case.

Let me explain the logistics quickly so you understand what I'm talking about. In this clinical, we switch locations every two weeks, and we work in pairs, but different pairs every week. Its confusing in theory, but actually makes a lot of sense. We also have preconference before every clinical, and so therefore I hear stories about the location I will be going to next- from classmates that go before me.


Well, two weeks before I was scheduled to go to this senior center, I heard about this one lady in particular, that had a very high blood pressure reading. This reading gave her so much anxiety that she "ripped out of the parking lot" and rushed to the ER immediately. The next week, the story went that she came back and the doctor (here we go again) said that "you shouldn't have let the student nurses take your blood pressure and that they got a wrong reading". Also, apparently we got her too "worked up" even though my group of classmates is the sweetest and calmest bunch of girls (and one guy) that I can think of. . Regardless, they took it again and it was still high. The next week, the week I was there, she came in again at the beginning of our shift. THe reading was still high, but this was the first week that I actually got to talk to her and meet her for myself. She was extremely "peppy" and very outgoing, and nice. She also showed signs of a generalized anxiety disorder, probably one of her contributions to her high blood pressure. Regardless, she came in again that same day and got it rechecked because she was so mad at the high reading the first time. It was still high. We tried different arms, different people reading the pressure, and even kept her in room a while and got her relaxed before we took it.

This past week when I went in, my partner (the male) had to step out for a minute and walk another patient out to her car. So I began chatting with her, and asked her how she had been feeling (regarding blood pressure, general wellness, etc.) and she said, "Not well." I asked her how she hadn't been feeling well and she said that she suffers from depression. I had a surprised look on my face-which we aren't supposed to do- but that shows how suprised I really was- and I said- "You wouldn't know it- you are always so peppy and outgoing." And she said, "Its just an act." I didn't know what to say, so I took the blood pressure reading and gave her the number, while I thought of the next step to take with this new twist to the case. But she quickly ran out of the room before I could do anything and said she'd be back for a second reading.


So I felt like crap for the rest of the day. We have learned so many techniques in our psychiatric and fundamentals course over the years on what to do with a depressed client/patient. But was this the time to discuss her depression? I didn't even know what to really say. There was the usual sayings that popped into mind- "Are you planning to hurt yourself? Or "would you like to talk about it?" ...I couldn't even tell her that she could talk to me anytime she wanted or that I would be there next week-because I wouldn't be. As much as I wanted to spend an hour with her and talk to her, I don't even know what I would really say to make her feel better. I've gone through this before- when I am in this "what to say" dilemma, and I realized that when I am down on something myself- I don't want to talk to someone with all the answers, I just want someone to listen. I just wish now that I had given her the opportunity to just talk to someone that was there to listen.

For comic relief, we soon after had a man with a very heavy accent. When he left, I said to my classmate, "Well, I guess he was taiwanese?" and he said, "How do you know?" and I said, "He had a shirt on that said, "I *heart* Taiwan". "Oh."

OK, I guess that sums up the majority of my updates over the past week. I do plan to be back on a regular blogging schedule now!

I would like to leave you with *someone else's blog post* that I found absolutely hilarious.


Twenty Something Thoughts



I truely laughed out loud on multiple occaisions, and when I laugh out loud- it has to be really funny. For anyone that is in their twenties, or maybe even early thirties, or really any age (maybe) this is so funny. Please read. It was grateful comic relief reading for this major storm I've been through. I've read a couple other entries from this blogger( http://www.juliestagis.wordpress.com/) and she seems pretty funny overall so I'd like to read more.


Well thats all for now- Now I have to start swimming again and get started on the next bout of stormy seas.......

Sorry I've been nonexistent again- I will try not to let it happen again ;-)

~ A Writer in a Nurses's Body

The Many Me's of Future Me: Part Dos

Okay, Now that I finally have time to sit down and write this, lets do this! Let me warn you now- this WILL be a long post.

It all started last year. ROTC Army nurse recruiters came to my Student Nurse Association meeting and gave a presentation about the army and its benefits, why we should all give up everything and join, etc...

My thoughts about the army before the presentation?
 "Army guys are hot"...."Or...I could never do that" or "Anyone that joins the army right now is insane...we are in the middle of a war."

My thoughts after the presentation?
"I could do this.."

 What happened next was the most ballsy thing I had ever done in my life ever. (Not to mention- this time last year I was in my "JUST DO IT" Phase, when I joined all the clubs I was afraid to join and did everything without fear because I was just in an adrenaline phase).

I sat there, in my plastic seat- Similar to the ones I had spent the last three years of school in- watching the recruiters pack up. There were three of them. Two guys and a girl. My thoughts:
I can't. There is no way. Could I? There is no way. I can NOT join the army. I am just me. I am weak. I would fail miserably. But it can't hurt to talk to them, could it? Yes, yes it could hurt. These guys are in the army. They are serious. They wouldn't want me. THey would laugh at me. I'm not in shape, they would say I'm not army material and tell me to go away. Would they? I know a girl in ROTC- If she could do it, I can too...right? I am going to go talk to them. No, I can't. *Indecision goes on for at least ten minutes while recruiter packs up*. *recruiter leaves* *SNA meeting continues*   Oh my god, they left. I just passed up my opportunity to join, If i had wanted too. I should have just went and talked to them. *realizes they are still in the hallway* .....

This is when my automatic pilot actually turned on. Adrenaline kicked in and I pushed out my chair from the table, ignored the questions from friends as to where I was going. I left the room, went into the hallway and introduced myself. I did it. He was interested in me, of course, thats what they came here to do. We set up an appointment to have a "real" meeting and swapped emails. I sat back in my seat and asked myself...What the hell did I just do?

It was a rocky week after that. We met, twice. We talked about the army and everything it had to offer. We talked about the drawbacks. The commitment. The benefits. The classes I would have to catch up on. Basic training. Other girls in the army. Iraq. Signing.

I couldn't sign.

Here is why it comes down to:
- I didn't believe in myself. I didn't think I would make it.
- I didn't think I was "fit" enough to make it through boot camp.
- I was afraid of the commitment.
- Me joining would have caused me to lose and hurt a lot of people in my life.
- I couldn't tell my parents.

For a more intricate narrative of what I was going through at this time, read this. It might make more sense:   TeamWork  Its really long, but the army frustration comes in about 3/4 through.

I wasn't in a good place, my thoughts were everywhere, all the time. I was in an adrenaline-save-me phase and just wanted something (army) that could bring me somewhere. I was in the midst of having just finished one of the hardest semesters I had ever gone through, and at the bottom of the hill for two harder semesters yet to come. I didn't have any faith that I could even pass those classes. Somehow, I did, and now I am writing about my future because graduation is in 2 months. Crazy.

After I told myself I was done with the army business and that I would not be signing, and I didn't have to scare myself with any recruiters, I sighed a huge sigh of relief. I thought to myself, "I can't believe I did that. What was I thinking?" I had somehow been so sure that I was going to join that it seemed unnatural at first to be done with it, to not go through with it. As much as I liked the idea of joining, I couldn't go through with the commitment it required...

 Well, my fascination of the army never retreated after that. In fact, it grew to extend a fascination of the Air Force, maybe even more so than the army, but probably pretty equal. I have been on top of the army, reading about their progress and whats been going on in the newspapers as much as possible over the past year. Someone says army and I instantly look. I read three books written by army nurses, 1 from Vietnam and 2 from Iraq. I loved it. I knew that I could do what they had written. It made it more realistic- It drew a better picture of what I was missing, what I would be getting if I signed up.

At this past nursing convention, another army recruiter was there. This time I wasn't nervous to go talk, it felt natural. I wanted to. I picked up some brochures, talked a little.

I GOT LOTS OF COOL STUFFF!!!!!! Recruiters are good at that.

Then I went to my last seminar for the day, one I was really excited about, which was "Disaster Preparedness" which was taught by two female air force nurses. They were best friends. They had pictures of them in Iraq. They came back, they are still alive. I was fascinated. Me and a friend stayed behind after the lecture, and talked about the consequences of joining if we each had "food intolerances"- I can't have any dairy and she couldnt have any wheat. It would be hard, but she said we could still do it.

So this brings me to why I wanted to write Part 2. For me, and for anyone that cares what happens to me after Graduation. As of *right now* these are the (specific) pathways I am considering.

1) There are two nurse residency programs in Denver, Colorado. I group them together because they are associated with the same hospital but one is with the Children's portion of the hospital and the other is general nursing. I want to go to CO because it is something new. I fell in love with the state in my senior year while on vacation. I said to myself, "I want to live here", and I never forgot.  Why I don't want to go: I'd have no support. My family doesn't support it and I need my family in my life. Also, I would miss the ocean terribly. Moving to CO is as big and scary to me as potentially joining the army.

2) I could stay in New Jersey and work for the same hospital I have been with for the past five years. Why I should do this: I know everyone, I have everyone's support, I love the staff there, I know how things work, I know where everything is, my family wants me to stay local for the rest of my life.... reasons I shouldn't: If I stay now, I will never leave. I know myself enough to know I will never grow the balls to leave my job and move to CO "Just because I want to", especially if, by then, if I have kids or a boyfriend/husband.  As the years go on, it will be harder and harder to make the move. Also, as much as I love the area I grew up in, I just want somewhere new. Sometimes it takes moving away from home to realize how much you want to BE home. I know, I realize completely what I would be giving up: Where I live, I am an hour from NYC. I am five minutes away from back dirt roads that wind away to the heart of New Jersey. I am 2-4 hours away from the Atlantic ocean. It is a day trip. I have every restaurant or store I could possibly ever think of in a 30 mile radius. But...I just want to see what else is out there. Is that so wrong? If I hate it, I can come back home....can't I?

3) Join the U.S. Public Health Commissioned Corps. This is a 4 commitment. Benefits are excellent. Here's what they do:
•Perform traditional clinical services, including inpatient and outpatient care ranging from newborn care to geriatric services, from obstetrics to orthopedics to mental health, from prevention services to chronic care or acute disease management.
•Conduct research.
•Manage the review and approval of drugs and medical products.
•Respond to public health emergencies.
•Develop and implement national health policies.
•Develop and implement clinical practice guidelines and evidence-based reports on health care.
•Coordinate prevention and education efforts on a variety of public health issues.
•Develop nursing training and education programs for basic and advanced practice nurses.

Here are the benefits:
•Competitive starting pay that increases with promotions and years of service
•Health care and dental care at no cost
•Tax-free housing and meal allowances
•Thirty days of paid vacation per year—beginning the first year
•Paid sick leave
•Paid maternity leave
•Paid Federal holidays
•Malpractice insurance coverage
•A retirement plan with benefits eligibility beginning after 20 years of service
•Thrift Savings Plan [retirement savings and investment plan similar to a 401(k)]
•Low-cost life insurance
•Low-cost health care for your family.
•Malpractice insurance coverage
•Paid moving expenses when you join the Corps and relocation expenses if and when you change jobs
•Paid expenses for travel related to your job
•Access to military base lodging and recreational facilities
•Shopping privileges at military base grocery and department stores
•Veterans Affairs benefits, such as survivor and disability benefits, home loans, and burial allowances.

THIS IS AMAZING.

And, you can work anywhere in the United States...and jump around if you get tired easily, Like I do.

!!!!!! enough said.

4) I join the army or air force right off the bat. 8 year commitment. lots of the same benefits as listed above. I could be sent to Iraq, yes. But..if I do the corps, I could switch over to army/airforce later in life and keep my rank. So, its a lot to think about.


Well, those are my *main* options. I have been waiting for something perfect to just come along and say BAM! THIS IS WHAT YOU SHOULD DO!!!! And I think just maybe, maybe that is the corps screaming that. It makes a lot of sense. But is still scary.

Here is a picture I made, without intentions of posting. I started with the "What now?" And kept going, until there were no empty spaces left. It says everything on my mind.

 
 
Thank you for taking the time to read all the way down this far. I appreciate it....
 
With so much love,
 
~A Writer in a Nurse's Body
 
PS- I like input. :-) 
 
PSS my spell check is not picking things up like "Pdfjkhsdkfh" so I don't think its working....so sorry if there is a lot of ridiculous spelling errors. Despite wanting to be a writer, (dont even get me started on where that fits in to my plans), I can't spell. Sorry.

Zombie.

Thats what I feel like. I am so tired. Something is happening to me. I'm not sure if its emotional, physical or both this time. But its definitely not good. I need....I dont know. Im just so tired. I wish sleep helped, but I tried that. Just makes me more tired. Some of it is emotional. I didnt have work today, I didnt have anywhere to be...I did get out of the house and went to lunch and read a pretty interesting book...and that was OK, I was fine. Then I came home, and thought that my Panera salad may have had a peanut in it (I'm allergic) because my throat felt like it was closing up (slowly). So I took 2 benadryl (sp?). I had also taken 2 excedrin for my headache about 90 minutes earlier, and my multivitamin 30 minutes prior. So, poor life choices, too many drugs at once...My body went into total malfunction mode. Benadryl does not normally affect me, I took 4 once for a bee sting and was wide awake. But today, between the feeling like i was going to vomit a days worth of food and feeling tired, I told my mom I was going to go nap. This was at...1. I slept til 5:30. I kept waking up intermittently, and just couldn't bring myself to get out of bed...Part of me was tired (physically), but half of it was also..I just didn't want to get up. I just didnt want to do anything. I couldnt bring myself to move. THat can't be from the freakin Benadryl. Eventually, I did talk myself into getting up...I told myself that I had to do the Elliptical, maybe go for a swim...eat something...(I do talk to myself-outloud- when no one is home-lol), so I got up, made myself some food but couldnt gather up enough energy to go on elliptical or swim. I just dont want to do anything. I told myself I could compromise with myself and instead of exercising, I'd come up and clean my room......and what am I doing instead? I walked in the room, and plopped on to the bed, and came on my blog. Oy. This happened the other day...I forget what day it was. Saturday I think? I had woken up, ate breakfast, felt fine, and then started feeling tired again, so went for a nap. Slept til 2, til I had to go to work. So tired. I just kept coming in and out of sleep and nightmares, and dreams, and couldnt pull myself out of bed. Its so unhealthy. Seriously. I had a dream that day (It was more like 50 dreams all strung together), that my friend tom had texted me during this zombie state I was in, and told me that enough was enough and that I had to stop with this depression and get out of the house. I listened to him (meanwhile- I thought this was real life- not a dream), so (in my dream), I got out of bed and met him at this theater, and there were all these people there. Suddenly we were seniors in high school again, and we were sitting in this theater, waiting to hear what parts we were going to be playing in the next school play. Tom then got this huge award for something, and I didnt get a part. and I remember standing against this wall, with all these people, and tom walked past me to get his award and didnt notice me standing there. In the same string of dreams that day, I was running in my development, and suddenly there was all this construction, it kept road-blocking me, and I had to keep making detours. If that isnt a subconcsious view of my life then I don't know what is. In the same string, I had this dream that I woke up from my zombie state and saw these pills at the bottom of my bed, and I read them and they said "sleeping pills", and I remembered thinking to myself "Oh, thats why Im so sleepy, I thought they were my vitamins"... I texted a lot of people in this dreamstate, all the while I thought it was all real. When I really woke up my phone was empty- no texts, it was all a dream... Who knows, maybe I'm still dreaming. How do we know? Wow, look at me going all Inception-y. Ahh great movie.

No but really even just as I'm typing this I am falling asleep. I friggen just slept 4+ hours! But all my muscles feel tired. My arms, they feel heavy and weak. Everything. Ive considered Iron deficiency...I wish I could test my own Iron, but I need a doctor order blood test to do that. I think thats the problem. or it could be anyway. I forgot to take my vitamin this morning, and yesterday morning, and forgot to take it saturday too. THe vitamin has Iron in it, and the week and a half that I was able to take it everyday without forgetting, I felt amazing. THis is how I felt when I was on the Prozac for the week and a half i was on it like 2 months ago. I stopped taking it because I felt like an exhausted Zombie.

On a good note, my headaches and stomachaches have been ASTOUNDINGLY better! I've been staying away from Dairy and tomato products (ketchup, pasta sauce, tomatos, etc.) which seem to attack my stomach, and Ive been taking a multivitamin for my head, and when I forget to take it, I get the headache back. Maybe I'm just totally deficient in all my vitamins and thats the answer to all my problems.

I'm going to go try taking a shower so that *maybe* I can pull off staying up til 11. Woah there, lets dream big.

And maybe clean my room, like I was supposed to.

tomorrow will be the same. Nothing to do....Just a "relax" day. THats the problem. Nothing to do...but I DO have things to do...get ready for school, homework, I could paint, I could read, go swimming, elliptical, write, b &N, ANYTHING! I just have to make a gate around my bed and all couches and not let myself SLEEP. Its a no win, because If i had filled up tuesdays and wednesdays with something to do (work of some kind), i would have been miserable because then I get no-time off, no relax Julie time....and I despise my job, so I dont want to be there either. But at least it keeps me going, keeps me awake and moving, focused on other people other than myself.

OK, shower time. I hope. SHowers usually help.

I have so much more to say. Maybe I'll make another long post tonight or tomorrow lol. Can i just keep typing?

Not Sure where to start..

I am stuck. I am alone...emotionally. I feel as if I am constantly looking for something more--something just out of reach. I am not happy, though it looks as if I should be. I shouldnt even say anything more, as much as I wish I could just type and type and type about everything. But I would dig myself quite the hole. I can't afford to be digging holes.

I watched a movie tonight with my sister. This scene happened, it was supposed to be mildly funny and for some reason i found it hilarious and I could not stop laughing. No not even laughing, It was the type where you are hunched over and your stomach hurts and you are crying and cannot move because you are laughing so hard. It wasnt even that funny, trust me, and I knew that. It just felt so good to laugh...I haven't laughed in so long....Like, really laughed. I miss that. Things could be terrible but when you have a laugh like that, everything is better for just that minute. Imagine if they could put that in a bottle.

I feel like I'm on everyone's bad side-- as if I have managed to piss everyone I know off--without doing anything. Just in the wrong places, wrong times. I feel like I no longer have any good attributes. I have a boyfriend that expends energy on picking out my faults and making fun of them, or expanding them more or just making me feel awful about it...I do everything I can to make his life better and it gets me no where. Its not that Im mad at him for it--how strange is that? I'm too...numb.? to even care...and everyone bugs me about it, but what do i care? I always am hoping it will get better if im just nicer...i sound like a freak. I'm honestly not sure if he could pick any good quality about me, and talent, and feature, any piece of my personality. I just want to be liked, loved I guess...Why is that so much to ask from a long term relationship?
We are just so different. Neither of us are bad people. Just so different. We always have been... I just dont know what to do anymore.

Teamwork

Wow I haven't written in awhile…I think that's because I've been afraid to say how I feel recently. And I still am I think, but this is a good topic that I have in mind. I haven't been in a good "place" (emotionally) lately and have been very unstable. I feel like my heart/soul have been walking on thin ice, and I can see through the ice, as if I were just waiting to fall in, trying my best to embrace myself for the ice. But at the same time also trying my hardest to fight myself and look up—to the sun, to hope, that things will get better soon…Spring is here (or summer really, because NJ tends to skip over spring), and that means a lot more sun. Which is good. It means I can go out for a long bike ride when things get bad with myself…I don't have to remain in my 8 X 8 room when I feel like throwing something at the wall. I think the worst part, is not having a stable person to talk to. On post secret the other week, A postcard came in on the website that really hit home for me. It wrapped things up to a tee. It was a picture of two teens/children talking to each other, and the quote, (taped on by the creator), said "I have no one to talk to about my problems…and that hurts more than any problem I have." The other night I fell asleep crying because I had hit a low point…I don't want to be dependent on anyone, at all, and I think that's a problem with me, because I need someone. I don't like to have to need someone, but I guess I do. Its just too much to have all bottled up inside of oneself. I miss that connection you get with someone else, when you realize you've been going through the exact same problem. I just feel so alone. I feel like anyone I tell my problems too wouldn't understand, and I guess I'm just afraid to try telling them in fear of rejection/embarrassment…or even worse, them freaking out and making a big thing of it. Sometimes all I need is a hug. Human contact…At school, I don't have any contact. Thinking about it now, I haven't been close to another human being at school for…maybe before Christmas break when I hugged my roommates goodbye? Maybe the occasional handshake/ passing something along? I go to class. I sit, I take notes, I come back to dorm, I do work, I read, I do whatever, alone. Everything is alone. But then again I don't want someone there 24/7 because I tend to get annoyed at fellow human beings extremely easily. Sometimes I imagine the perfect person that I need and I imagine what they would say or do to make me feel better. Is that completely psychotic?? Lol.

Music always makes me feel better. I think a big difference in a "chronic" depression and a temporary is this: Temporary- a day of sadness, maybe a week, at most a month, caused by something that makes sense. A death, a break-up? Whatever. But then you do something to make yourself feel better, or someone comes to save you, and you feel better, and it doesn't come back. But Chronic….it doesn't seem to be caused by anything. Like mine…Its just haunting, and there. I do everything I know in my power to make myself feel better (music, reading, bike riding, singing really loudly in my car, going on escape trips, going to barnes and noble, going to see my grandma…going to the beach!.) and these things should be enough to help me out and get me back to a normal state…right? Any sometimes they are…until the trigger comes back to make everything come back again. That shouldn't have to happen, those happy things should be enough to pull me through. I've considered seeing a therapist…but I can't seem to bear the thought. I've had a bad experience with a therapist before, and not only that but the therapists at school are some of my psychiatric class teachers…I can't talk to them. I guess I don't trust someone, a therapist, or anyone, a friend…to take me seriously, but not too seriously at the same time. I guess if I see someone then it forces me to admit I have a problem, and I don't think I'm ready to do that yet. I guess part of me thinks its not really a problem and in time, I'll pull through. I seem to go through stages…and sometimes I can identify what causes a depressing stage, and what causes a happy state, but more times than not, they just happen on their own, despite whats going on in my life. I feel like even when I'm happy, I still have this dark spot, this dark cloud hanging over me, like as if it were waiting in the curtains, just waiting to haunt. Just waiting…for an opportunity? Everytime I drive past a major airport (I live close to JFK and NewarK), I am fascinated by watching the jets land and take off. Sometimes I think that if I could just have the chance to sit on a towel and watch the planes all day, I would be in heaven. I love watching them. They fascinate me. That would be the perfect date, for sure J It just fascinates me I guess to sit back and marvel at how much man has accomplished, by watching these planes, how that many pounds of metal is able to just take off like that, to fly how many feet above us, every single day. Pilots are and always be truly amazing.

The past couple weeks have brought on an excessive amount of stress, in terms of school mostly. I know I am too hard on myself, but how can I teach myself not to be as hard on myself? If anything in this blog, I need to see a therapist for that…I need to know how to lower the standards expected of myself. I can't seem to deal with failure, and failure is what I seem to keep running into everywhere I turn…which causes the depression in a way, (Part of it). Yes, school is a big part of it. I guess I just scare myself into thinking that if Im not good enough, if I don't get the perfect grade, then I won't make it in the rest of my life? It seems so silly to write out…but I think that's how I feel . I think I am looking for something magical, something not real, a person that can't exist, to come find me in my dreams and take me away and help me with all my negative thoughts. I feel like in addition to my own negative thoughts, so many of the people I thought I could originally trust, and love, are criticizing me nonstop. It used to be a case of me having a negative thought and then someone I loved, or a friend, would dismiss that thought and say something comforting. But lately, it seems like this giant conspiracy has been organized to criticize me. And I'm already in a bad place without their help. I guess they don't realize it, they don't see the effect their words have, but an effect do they have for sure. Sometimes its just a joke they are trying to tell, just "making fun" or "laughing with me". But when I'm already so hard on myself with school and facing failures in that department, One tiny little joke about my weight, or something I did or said or my appearance or whatever, throws me off the emotional ledge. And that's not good. What I'm trying to avoid.

But anyway, this all wasn't what this blog was even supposed to be about. But I've been vague before, and I didn't want to be vague again in the beginning, so this all just sort of spilled out. Half of it probably doesn't even make sense. <<there I go again, negative thinking. Why cant I just be honest, say what I feel? DO I really have so much to hide that I can't just write from my heart?

This blog is supposed to be about team work. And I will make it be. Or at least make it end with teamwork. I was listening to a very good song today from my Aunt's choir in NYC, "I'll fly away" was the song, but that's not the point, although that is ironic considering that's what I want to do all the time….But the point is is that the collection of voices that sang this song, they seemed SO happy. I was SO jealous, of that happiness…I wanted what they had so badly. I thought about it, and thought to myself, what is it about what they have that you want? And my answer was quick—teamwork. I do everything alone. I want so badly to be part of a team. I think that is my answer to all my problems. One person can't fix me out there. But maybe a whole team could. I want to be a part of something far bigger than myself. And no, I'm not talking about joining a choir. (Although that would be fun, and fit the criteria for what sort of team I'm looking for--) but I can't sing. What kind of a team then, do you ask? Well…I denied the army nursing. Maybe that was my chance. I see pictures of some of my old friends in the same program I could have been in and I think, Would I have been happy there? Would I be in this place if I had just joined the army nursing? Or would I be in an even worse place? What If I hated it? But part of me thinks in the end, I would have LOVED it….sometimes I think it would have been everything I was/am looking for…but then again, if presented with another opportunity to join right here, right now, would i? Probably not…for the same reasons I didn't sign the damn paper the first time…I get scared of commitment. 8 years is a terribly long time and that scares me. 8 years to potentially go through something I hated…That means I would get out at the age of 30. Its like a prison sentence…(if it ended up being something I hated). If I had loved it, then great. I probably would have rejoined after the 8. So where else can a team that Im looking for be found? I've considered joining Habitat for Humanity, but I'm scared…Why?Oh yeah—failure again. The team has to make sense, it has to fit into my life….HfH would, I guess theres just always an excuse why I don't. I guess I don't want to try it alone?

The last thing I can think of is a nursing team. I hope and pray to God that one day, wherever I work, that I can work in a place where the majority of my shifts are spent with co-nurses and doctors that enhance my personality. People I actually really enjoy spending time with, laughing rolling on the floor with, but at the same time, people I can definitely rely on to know what they are doing when it comes to saving a patients life. I like being a part of a team where I know what the other people are thinking, where we can just work at lightning speed without asking eachother of the next move- we know each other so well that we just know, and do, and save lives. That is power, that is teamwork. That's what I need. I hope, I pray that when I find a job one day that I am not presented with enemies (well, an overwhelming amount at least—I know I'll always have at least one enemy), but friends, love. That's what I need.

Well that certainly felt good…No really. It did. I think a step to recovery is to do my best to come on here once a day and write something, even just a tiny sentence on how things are going. I think that will be a good way of not bottling things up and getting some of them out in the open. To any of my readers, just bear with me…I'm doing everything I know how to do to make things better for myself.

Writing from the Twilight Zone

That's exactly how I feel. Things lately have been...very strange. I don't think I could explain it if I tried. Everything I come upon seems to have connections...I am having a very difficult time finding myself in time. I seem to be having difficulty separating dream from reality. For instance, I will have a flash of a memory of someone doing something, someone I have never met. And yet it will be very vivid. Or I'll have a memory of me doing something that I either don't remember doing or can't tell if I dreamt it or really did it. You can imagine how this might get frustrating. . . Yesterday, I had a very interesting dream that I cannot talk about it. But it meant a lot to me and had me thinking the entire day. It's dreams like this that keep me going and hold me back (very much so) at the very same time. But after that dream, every single song I heard on the radio, or that came up on my iPod during shuffle, or wherever I heard music, had a connection to that dream. Even I would switch channels on the radio and the next song would have a connection/meaning. So needless to say I stopped trying to escape it and just laughed at it.

Also, I had spent the later part of 2009 (especially December) being depressed. I had at first tried to climb out of it but no one was there to pull me out. I had too much on my shoulders, I was trying to help too many people at once. I can't save the world...and yet somehow, I keep trying. I get depressed when I fail at anything, and well..you know. Anyone will fail if they try and save everyone at once. I guess I just can't grasp the concept that you can't save everyone and you have to just let it go. I still don't grasp it. Maybe in time. I'll have to grasp it soon if I ever can be a good nurse. Meaning, some of my patients won't make it. If I am ever going to save myself from Major Burnout, I have to learn to let it go, that I did all I could, and that is all. Mostly the problem has been multiple friends coming to me with their problems all at once. Now don't me wrong, I love to hear my friend's problems and do my best to help. But when their problem is out of my hands, there is nothing i can do but listen, and that isn't enough for me. I would do anything for my friends, but I can't do everything. Especially when they are all coming to me at once. Everyone has had a shitty entire 2009 it seems. My boyfriend, my best friends...all with problems that I simply just don't know how to handle and yet they expect me too. What do you do then? But anyway...

So like I said, 2009 (the end) was not good. At first I blamed the entire 2009 , but came to my senses when I saw some pictures I had taken throughout the year and realized I did have a lot of nice moments, regardless of how short lived they may have been. But the beginning of 2010...Something has definitely changed. I don't know how to describe it. It sort of all started Monday at work. Sunday at work, by the end of the day, I was feeling like I did in 09. But Monday, (with the same exact problems I had Sunday), something had changed. I was looking on the bright side of things for once. I was solving my problems left and right. I was power-nursing....so to speak. I felt on top of the world...I was being pro-active for my patients, I was doing everything I could for them and felt awesome about it. Its days like those that make me want to go back to work. Especially when I see in my patients eyes that I had made a difference for them. In particular, I will discuss this one patient. I have been working 4 day rotations this whole break. This particular patient came in on the first day of this rotation, I was there with her right from the very start of her admission. She was a nice patient, never caused any trouble for me. Through out the days, I would come and chat with her when I could, but she usually had company. However on Monday, when I went in to do her blood sugar testing, I noticed as soon as I walked into the room that something was wrong with her. I didn't say anything at first and just tried talking with her. She immediately let on further that she was feeling very sad (I didn't know why). I did the usual, tried to make her feel better, tried to ask what was wrong, etc., as I continued to do her blood sugar. But I didnt get much out of her. When I was done, she had asked me for a drink of water, which I gave her, but I noticed it was warm and empty from before. I asked her if she would like some nice ice water, to which she brightly lit up and said yes, that would be wonderful. I told her as soon as I finished the other patient's blood sugars (Prioritizing) I promised I would bring her some ice water. Another patient down the hall also wanted some water, to which I promised the same thing. So after I was done, I brought both waters, to the first patient first. But she was sleeping (this was 30 mins later). So I quietly put the water down, I decided it best to just let her sleep since she was upset earlier. I gave the water to the second patient and on my way back, I noticed patient one was awake. I went in and offered her the water I had brought in. She looked surprised. She told me, "You came back. I didn't think you'd come back. You're the first one to have actually come back." It was then. I left the room and I was astounded. I knew, then, that I could definitely be the nurse that I knew I had to be.

Well thats it for now. I have places to be, people to see...:)

I have a lot more to say, so tune in later....

~A Writer In A Nurse's Body