"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
I hope everyone is having a good 2013 so far! I have a really good feeling that 2013 is going to be a life-altering year, in a really good way. I can just feel it.
I got a call this morning from my job offering me a deal to come in for day shift hours and I would be allowed to leave at 11pm , instead of 7 am, so that is awesome and totally is what I needed. I ended up getting out at 11:45 and got to hear the radio dance party on my local station. It was awesome being able to bop along to my favorite 2012 songs, even if I was in scrubs, in the car, and not at a party or anything. It was such an unexpected treat to even be able to listen to it in the first place since I was supposed to be at work. Anyway, so when the radio DJ count-downed( is that a word?) to midnight, and there it is just seconds after midnight and fireworks are going off in the distance as I travel down the road, and I finally felt it. I was euphoric. And what was this, was I actually crying?? Yea. I have *never* cried tears of happiness, ever. Never ever. Which made me cry even more because I was so shocked I was crying happy tears. I was just so happy that I wasn't at work, I survived hell week (between xmas and new years in healthcare) and did a really good job, my boss told me I was a really good nurse....and my favorite songs were playing. I couldn't stop smiling.
So THAT my friends is how I know 2013 is going to be a good year. Because after so long of my emotions being shut down, guarded from heartbreak, I can finally feel euphoria again. I cannot wait.
Anyway, my yearly tradition of resolutions! If you're new to my blog, every year I go through my prior years resolutions and comment on how I did. After that I write new ones. Unfortunately, I read through last years and not much has changed. But its tradition! The italicized are last years, the normal font is me commenting on it. Following the whole set are 2013's.
1) Have at LEAST half of my book #1 completely written by 2013. Part of me wants to say write the whole book by 2013, but....I'd rather be proud of myself for accomplishing a resolution than to not because I set the standard too high. So, yeah. Half the book. I think this is definitely possible.
Haha. That didn't happen. But I have a good excuse. Last year when I wrote this, I was working night shift on a 12 bed unit, and although we had our fair share of insane nights, most nights I had time to write a little when all my work was done and my patients were sleeping. Well, then the summer got really busy, and then I got transferred, and at this new place- I barely have time to pee. My home life has been pretty busy as well :(
2) I need to learn how to go with the flow....I'm 23, I have to stop trying to PLAN everything. Stop trying to overanalyze everything and just......be. Just do. Accept new challenges. Accept new people in my life. Do new things. Play new sports.
I did a good job with this one! I joined racquetball! I stayed with it! I didn't quit! I joined tennis lessons! I got out and did things I was afraid of this year. I took a leap of faith with my new boyfriend this year. I screwed the logical planning of every single step of my life. I like my life a lot better this way.
3) I want to really focus this year on becoming a much better nurse. I want to do a lot of research on my practice, and really better myself in unique abilities. My hospital is offering the position of a "wound care champion" that I might look into. It would be nice to be exceptionally good at at least one thing among the amazing nurses I work with.
I did end up becoming a wound care champion at my old hospital! It was pretty sweet to be good at something, and to my new job I therefore brought the knowledge of how to dress a wound pretty awesomely. Sweet. Also, being on a cardiology floor has taught me SO MUCH in so little time and I can't wait to be a proficient cardiac nurse.
4) Along with number 3, in general (in nursing and in life), I need to learn to be more confident in my abilities. In my self. In my knowledge. In my instincts. This is really hard. I need to trust myself.
I have serious self esteem issues and I don't think I will ever learn to be completely confident in myself. I always question myself. I just hate to do things wrong. I still have to work on this.
5) I need to learn how to COOK! Not just any cooking, but I need to learn how to cook in general and cook for lactose intolerance specifically. So, I really need to get on this because right now my food groups consist of: Rice, beans, chicken, chinese food, fish & chips, vegetables, chicken tenders, fries, and smoothies. So, More variety needed? Yess.
Okay. This was hard. Thats still pretty much my entire food group, except I eat less chinese food now, less fries, less tenders, and less fish and chips. So I basically eat: Fruit, veggies, BREAD (so bad), Thai food, chicken, rice and lactose intolerant specially made products. Sooooooo, yeah. HOWEVER, I have a lot of influential people in my life that have been teaching me how to cook real things. I've dated two people this past year that loved to cook and worked with my allergies and taught me how to make some good meals. My grandma is a great cook and did the same for me. My aunt has also been guiding me through some really dumb questions online! With buying a new house soon, I'm going to have a full kitchen to myself that I need to use! Goal: next year, I'm making thanksgiving dinner all by myself :)
6) I need to learn how to love again. But at the same time, I need to learn how to just be ok with me. I need to get to know myself better before I let myself attach to anyone else at this point. I feel like right now, when I "attach" to someone, or see someone, they are dating an empty vessel of a girl that needs to figure out a lot right now. I am in here, I promise. Just need to work on my firewall right now, let people in. Its a new year. New beginnings. Let our endings go. Forever, and ever, and hit the ground runnin! Woo.
I did this! I so did this! I'm doing it! I dated a couple young gentleman in 2012 but there was always something that was off. After a couple bad experiences, I decided it was impossible to meet new people working night shift and the only other thing I did was go to Barnes & Noble, the gym and out with my family and girlfriends. Plus, strangers don't meet and start dating anymore nowadays. And my friends tried setting me up and it just wasn't working out. So I threw in the towel and joined the ever so promising eHarmony. And within three weeks of my membership (and a lot of conversations), I met my amazing boyfriend. He lives in the town right next to mine, yay! We had talked online and through texting for about two weeks, until we decided to have our first date on a Wednesday. By that Friday, we were boyfriend and girlfriend. So it went really fast but everything just felt right. Which is huge for me, because I'm very picky. He is one of the main reasons I think my heart is opening back up to feel emotions. I held true to myself and am comfortable with myself, I know myself pretty well and I am strong. I don't believe in 1/2 and 1/2 makes 1 when it comes to partners. I believe in 1 + 1 makes 2. We do not complete each other, nor should we. Nor should anyone, because then what are you without them? We are each our own unique person, our own soul, our own complete set of strengths and weaknesses, and together we bring that to the same table and combine from there.
7) I already am doing this, but I want to draw a LOT more. I already have drawn so much since school let out and I love it. I also want to do more with my photography this year. Like sell it. Big time. :-) On that note, look for a photography post sooN! I am WAY overdue!
I drew a LOT this year. I got a drawing desk!!!! Its the best!!!!!! I've been on a drawing hiatus because I've been so busy but I plan to go back full force this spring. My new house has room for my own studio :) Oh, and I still owe ya'll that photography post...ha
Alright so here's what I've got for 2013. I haven't thought about my resolutions until literally right now. Usually I think about this blog for like a week. Soooooo, here goes.
1) No more sugar. This is something I've been trying to do for a couple of months now, but it's so HARD. What I mean by no sugar is no OBVIOUS sugar. I still plan to eat fruit. What my problem has been, is raspberry friggen Iced tea. That stuff is packed tight with sugar and I've become addicted to it. I've also gained like ten pounds. I also eat more bread than..........Peeta Mellark. I seriously love bread. Its bad. I don't want to eat any obvious sugar. It will be hard, but I can do it. At least cut out 80% of it?
2)Lose weight. I am uncomfortable with my body and have to change. I come from a past of not being good enough for those I loved. My boyfriend now tells me he loves just the way I am and that makes me so happy but I can't stand the way I feel, the extra jiggles and lovemuffins. I hate the mirror. So, by 2014 I plan to be holding steady under 130lbs. I'm 145 now. I can do that!
3) Budget- Budget- BUDGET. Buying a new house, its not like an apartment. There is no escape plan this time. If I couldn't handle the rent at any point, I could have left at anytime. Not with a mortgage. I have to cut coupons. And actually pay attention to sales. I have to think twice about buying 6 books that will sit on my bookshelf. I can do it.
4) Keep my damn car and room clean. WHY IS THIS SO HARD. I have the cutest little sports car, which looks awesome from a distance and then people get in it and realize its not suitable to non-julie human survival. Sad.
5) Join a badminton team . Join a swimming team.
6) Be smarter. Although I AM a LOT smarter as a nurse now than I was last year, there is still so much I don't know. I so badly want to be the nurse that the new graduate comes and gets and says "can you help me?" and I can just come in and teach and finally know everything and put it to good use. I want to maybe start school this Fall for my nursing MSN. I want to research more about my patients conditions.
7) WRITE MY GODD*** BOOK!
Thats it, folks!! Love you all!
Make a difference. Make it your own.