"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Anxious Annie

In order to really make goals and objectives for myself during this medical/ surgical rotation, I have to identify my underlying fears. I have worked on a med/surg floor for three years, so I do not understand why I am afraid, because I should not be. I have already met my patient I will be having tomorrow, and if I had her at my own job, I wouldn't be scared at all. It would be just another patient to take care of, and that's that. So what makes me so terribly anxious to start tomorrow? By the end of my maternity rotation, I had calmed down a lot about clinicals. And Upperclassmen had eased our fears and said that by the time you get to Med/Surg, you won't be afraid anymore. Is it just a first week/first patient sort of thing? Am I scared of failing? Am I scared of doing something wrong? I think the latter option takes the cake. I have an intense fear of doing things wrong. At my job as an aide, I know my job in and out and I am never afraid because I have total confidence that I know 95% of what I'm doing (there is always more to learn!). And tomorrow should be no different. I met my patient, I like her, so again, what is there to be afraid of? The unexpected? Not knowing what the day format will be? So to narrow it down, here are my thought out goals and objectives to have completed this semester:

  1. Have more confidence in myself by the end of this rotation and not be so scared. Take my confidence and not be afraid to do the skills asked of me, and not be afraid to ask questions (despite how stupid they may be).
  2. By the end of this semester I want to have a better hold on all of this knowledge. Right now it is difficult because we are learning in lecture as we start in clinical. For instance tomorrow, I have a patient with a condition we have not yet learned about. Hopefully by the end of this semester I will feel a lot better in seeing the whole picture and understanding tinier clues.

It will be a lot to struggle with, this I know. It has always been an internal struggle, my lack of confidence. It's an anxiety thing I suppose. When I don't give myself time to think about it and just do it, I usually do great and I feel great afterwards. I guess I'm just afraid of trying something and having it be a horrible disaster and the patient is harmed or is suffering because of it. I don't like to get things wrong and I struggle with it when I do. I guess that will only help me learn that faster, right? A little part of me is looking forward to this rest of the semester, hopefully it goes well. J

~ A Writer in a (anxious) Nurse's Body <3

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