"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Writing from the Twilight Zone

That's exactly how I feel. Things lately have been...very strange. I don't think I could explain it if I tried. Everything I come upon seems to have connections...I am having a very difficult time finding myself in time. I seem to be having difficulty separating dream from reality. For instance, I will have a flash of a memory of someone doing something, someone I have never met. And yet it will be very vivid. Or I'll have a memory of me doing something that I either don't remember doing or can't tell if I dreamt it or really did it. You can imagine how this might get frustrating. . . Yesterday, I had a very interesting dream that I cannot talk about it. But it meant a lot to me and had me thinking the entire day. It's dreams like this that keep me going and hold me back (very much so) at the very same time. But after that dream, every single song I heard on the radio, or that came up on my iPod during shuffle, or wherever I heard music, had a connection to that dream. Even I would switch channels on the radio and the next song would have a connection/meaning. So needless to say I stopped trying to escape it and just laughed at it.

Also, I had spent the later part of 2009 (especially December) being depressed. I had at first tried to climb out of it but no one was there to pull me out. I had too much on my shoulders, I was trying to help too many people at once. I can't save the world...and yet somehow, I keep trying. I get depressed when I fail at anything, and well..you know. Anyone will fail if they try and save everyone at once. I guess I just can't grasp the concept that you can't save everyone and you have to just let it go. I still don't grasp it. Maybe in time. I'll have to grasp it soon if I ever can be a good nurse. Meaning, some of my patients won't make it. If I am ever going to save myself from Major Burnout, I have to learn to let it go, that I did all I could, and that is all. Mostly the problem has been multiple friends coming to me with their problems all at once. Now don't me wrong, I love to hear my friend's problems and do my best to help. But when their problem is out of my hands, there is nothing i can do but listen, and that isn't enough for me. I would do anything for my friends, but I can't do everything. Especially when they are all coming to me at once. Everyone has had a shitty entire 2009 it seems. My boyfriend, my best friends...all with problems that I simply just don't know how to handle and yet they expect me too. What do you do then? But anyway...

So like I said, 2009 (the end) was not good. At first I blamed the entire 2009 , but came to my senses when I saw some pictures I had taken throughout the year and realized I did have a lot of nice moments, regardless of how short lived they may have been. But the beginning of 2010...Something has definitely changed. I don't know how to describe it. It sort of all started Monday at work. Sunday at work, by the end of the day, I was feeling like I did in 09. But Monday, (with the same exact problems I had Sunday), something had changed. I was looking on the bright side of things for once. I was solving my problems left and right. I was power-nursing....so to speak. I felt on top of the world...I was being pro-active for my patients, I was doing everything I could for them and felt awesome about it. Its days like those that make me want to go back to work. Especially when I see in my patients eyes that I had made a difference for them. In particular, I will discuss this one patient. I have been working 4 day rotations this whole break. This particular patient came in on the first day of this rotation, I was there with her right from the very start of her admission. She was a nice patient, never caused any trouble for me. Through out the days, I would come and chat with her when I could, but she usually had company. However on Monday, when I went in to do her blood sugar testing, I noticed as soon as I walked into the room that something was wrong with her. I didn't say anything at first and just tried talking with her. She immediately let on further that she was feeling very sad (I didn't know why). I did the usual, tried to make her feel better, tried to ask what was wrong, etc., as I continued to do her blood sugar. But I didnt get much out of her. When I was done, she had asked me for a drink of water, which I gave her, but I noticed it was warm and empty from before. I asked her if she would like some nice ice water, to which she brightly lit up and said yes, that would be wonderful. I told her as soon as I finished the other patient's blood sugars (Prioritizing) I promised I would bring her some ice water. Another patient down the hall also wanted some water, to which I promised the same thing. So after I was done, I brought both waters, to the first patient first. But she was sleeping (this was 30 mins later). So I quietly put the water down, I decided it best to just let her sleep since she was upset earlier. I gave the water to the second patient and on my way back, I noticed patient one was awake. I went in and offered her the water I had brought in. She looked surprised. She told me, "You came back. I didn't think you'd come back. You're the first one to have actually come back." It was then. I left the room and I was astounded. I knew, then, that I could definitely be the nurse that I knew I had to be.

Well thats it for now. I have places to be, people to see...:)

I have a lot more to say, so tune in later....

~A Writer In A Nurse's Body

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