"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"

Monday, April 5, 2010


Wow I haven't written in awhile…I think that's because I've been afraid to say how I feel recently. And I still am I think, but this is a good topic that I have in mind. I haven't been in a good "place" (emotionally) lately and have been very unstable. I feel like my heart/soul have been walking on thin ice, and I can see through the ice, as if I were just waiting to fall in, trying my best to embrace myself for the ice. But at the same time also trying my hardest to fight myself and look up—to the sun, to hope, that things will get better soon…Spring is here (or summer really, because NJ tends to skip over spring), and that means a lot more sun. Which is good. It means I can go out for a long bike ride when things get bad with myself…I don't have to remain in my 8 X 8 room when I feel like throwing something at the wall. I think the worst part, is not having a stable person to talk to. On post secret the other week, A postcard came in on the website that really hit home for me. It wrapped things up to a tee. It was a picture of two teens/children talking to each other, and the quote, (taped on by the creator), said "I have no one to talk to about my problems…and that hurts more than any problem I have." The other night I fell asleep crying because I had hit a low point…I don't want to be dependent on anyone, at all, and I think that's a problem with me, because I need someone. I don't like to have to need someone, but I guess I do. Its just too much to have all bottled up inside of oneself. I miss that connection you get with someone else, when you realize you've been going through the exact same problem. I just feel so alone. I feel like anyone I tell my problems too wouldn't understand, and I guess I'm just afraid to try telling them in fear of rejection/embarrassment…or even worse, them freaking out and making a big thing of it. Sometimes all I need is a hug. Human contact…At school, I don't have any contact. Thinking about it now, I haven't been close to another human being at school for…maybe before Christmas break when I hugged my roommates goodbye? Maybe the occasional handshake/ passing something along? I go to class. I sit, I take notes, I come back to dorm, I do work, I read, I do whatever, alone. Everything is alone. But then again I don't want someone there 24/7 because I tend to get annoyed at fellow human beings extremely easily. Sometimes I imagine the perfect person that I need and I imagine what they would say or do to make me feel better. Is that completely psychotic?? Lol.

Music always makes me feel better. I think a big difference in a "chronic" depression and a temporary is this: Temporary- a day of sadness, maybe a week, at most a month, caused by something that makes sense. A death, a break-up? Whatever. But then you do something to make yourself feel better, or someone comes to save you, and you feel better, and it doesn't come back. But Chronic….it doesn't seem to be caused by anything. Like mine…Its just haunting, and there. I do everything I know in my power to make myself feel better (music, reading, bike riding, singing really loudly in my car, going on escape trips, going to barnes and noble, going to see my grandma…going to the beach!.) and these things should be enough to help me out and get me back to a normal state…right? Any sometimes they are…until the trigger comes back to make everything come back again. That shouldn't have to happen, those happy things should be enough to pull me through. I've considered seeing a therapist…but I can't seem to bear the thought. I've had a bad experience with a therapist before, and not only that but the therapists at school are some of my psychiatric class teachers…I can't talk to them. I guess I don't trust someone, a therapist, or anyone, a friend…to take me seriously, but not too seriously at the same time. I guess if I see someone then it forces me to admit I have a problem, and I don't think I'm ready to do that yet. I guess part of me thinks its not really a problem and in time, I'll pull through. I seem to go through stages…and sometimes I can identify what causes a depressing stage, and what causes a happy state, but more times than not, they just happen on their own, despite whats going on in my life. I feel like even when I'm happy, I still have this dark spot, this dark cloud hanging over me, like as if it were waiting in the curtains, just waiting to haunt. Just waiting…for an opportunity? Everytime I drive past a major airport (I live close to JFK and NewarK), I am fascinated by watching the jets land and take off. Sometimes I think that if I could just have the chance to sit on a towel and watch the planes all day, I would be in heaven. I love watching them. They fascinate me. That would be the perfect date, for sure J It just fascinates me I guess to sit back and marvel at how much man has accomplished, by watching these planes, how that many pounds of metal is able to just take off like that, to fly how many feet above us, every single day. Pilots are and always be truly amazing.

The past couple weeks have brought on an excessive amount of stress, in terms of school mostly. I know I am too hard on myself, but how can I teach myself not to be as hard on myself? If anything in this blog, I need to see a therapist for that…I need to know how to lower the standards expected of myself. I can't seem to deal with failure, and failure is what I seem to keep running into everywhere I turn…which causes the depression in a way, (Part of it). Yes, school is a big part of it. I guess I just scare myself into thinking that if Im not good enough, if I don't get the perfect grade, then I won't make it in the rest of my life? It seems so silly to write out…but I think that's how I feel . I think I am looking for something magical, something not real, a person that can't exist, to come find me in my dreams and take me away and help me with all my negative thoughts. I feel like in addition to my own negative thoughts, so many of the people I thought I could originally trust, and love, are criticizing me nonstop. It used to be a case of me having a negative thought and then someone I loved, or a friend, would dismiss that thought and say something comforting. But lately, it seems like this giant conspiracy has been organized to criticize me. And I'm already in a bad place without their help. I guess they don't realize it, they don't see the effect their words have, but an effect do they have for sure. Sometimes its just a joke they are trying to tell, just "making fun" or "laughing with me". But when I'm already so hard on myself with school and facing failures in that department, One tiny little joke about my weight, or something I did or said or my appearance or whatever, throws me off the emotional ledge. And that's not good. What I'm trying to avoid.

But anyway, this all wasn't what this blog was even supposed to be about. But I've been vague before, and I didn't want to be vague again in the beginning, so this all just sort of spilled out. Half of it probably doesn't even make sense. <<there I go again, negative thinking. Why cant I just be honest, say what I feel? DO I really have so much to hide that I can't just write from my heart?

This blog is supposed to be about team work. And I will make it be. Or at least make it end with teamwork. I was listening to a very good song today from my Aunt's choir in NYC, "I'll fly away" was the song, but that's not the point, although that is ironic considering that's what I want to do all the time….But the point is is that the collection of voices that sang this song, they seemed SO happy. I was SO jealous, of that happiness…I wanted what they had so badly. I thought about it, and thought to myself, what is it about what they have that you want? And my answer was quick—teamwork. I do everything alone. I want so badly to be part of a team. I think that is my answer to all my problems. One person can't fix me out there. But maybe a whole team could. I want to be a part of something far bigger than myself. And no, I'm not talking about joining a choir. (Although that would be fun, and fit the criteria for what sort of team I'm looking for--) but I can't sing. What kind of a team then, do you ask? Well…I denied the army nursing. Maybe that was my chance. I see pictures of some of my old friends in the same program I could have been in and I think, Would I have been happy there? Would I be in this place if I had just joined the army nursing? Or would I be in an even worse place? What If I hated it? But part of me thinks in the end, I would have LOVED it….sometimes I think it would have been everything I was/am looking for…but then again, if presented with another opportunity to join right here, right now, would i? Probably not…for the same reasons I didn't sign the damn paper the first time…I get scared of commitment. 8 years is a terribly long time and that scares me. 8 years to potentially go through something I hated…That means I would get out at the age of 30. Its like a prison sentence…(if it ended up being something I hated). If I had loved it, then great. I probably would have rejoined after the 8. So where else can a team that Im looking for be found? I've considered joining Habitat for Humanity, but I'm scared…Why?Oh yeah—failure again. The team has to make sense, it has to fit into my life….HfH would, I guess theres just always an excuse why I don't. I guess I don't want to try it alone?

The last thing I can think of is a nursing team. I hope and pray to God that one day, wherever I work, that I can work in a place where the majority of my shifts are spent with co-nurses and doctors that enhance my personality. People I actually really enjoy spending time with, laughing rolling on the floor with, but at the same time, people I can definitely rely on to know what they are doing when it comes to saving a patients life. I like being a part of a team where I know what the other people are thinking, where we can just work at lightning speed without asking eachother of the next move- we know each other so well that we just know, and do, and save lives. That is power, that is teamwork. That's what I need. I hope, I pray that when I find a job one day that I am not presented with enemies (well, an overwhelming amount at least—I know I'll always have at least one enemy), but friends, love. That's what I need.

Well that certainly felt good…No really. It did. I think a step to recovery is to do my best to come on here once a day and write something, even just a tiny sentence on how things are going. I think that will be a good way of not bottling things up and getting some of them out in the open. To any of my readers, just bear with me…I'm doing everything I know how to do to make things better for myself.

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