"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"
Monday, June 11, 2012
It's hard to explain. It just seems that lately, no matter what direction I turn in, there is somebody there to point me in the other direction (in a not friendly way), or someone that is telling me I'm doing whatever I'm doing, wrong.
I hate confrontation. I'm beginning to really learn this about myself. I've always known growing up that I hate confrontation, but I'm just seeing now as I age into my mid twenties how much of a big problem it is. In high school and college, It was easier to let things go, let things slide. It was OK to get pushed over because the people that were primarily doing the pushing was my own parents, getting me to better myself more and more. But what else was there really to worry about? I had a part time job and that money went to funding things I enjoyed. No adult problems, I was well taken care of. So why strengthen the need to defend myself?
Until now. Hitting mid-twenties and living away from the parents, working a full time job. My friends are getting older with me, all with their own serious problems as well. They are getting married, having babies, being parents....life is rapidly changing around me. I am dating and this leads to really learning a LOT about the human race and how screwed up some people are out there.
All of those above unique scenarios lead to the inevitable set of confrontations. Two people are bound to come to a problem, and there needs to be a solution. Only two things can happen: 1) The two people can compromise. 2) One person has to completely back down.
Lately, I feel like I am doing nothing but continuously backing down. Not just for the same person, either- but in my job, in my living quarters, in my family, in my friendships, in the dating world. And its making me jaded. The more and more I witness the human race behaving like this the more I revert back to my original dream of wanting to live in a tiny cottage at the top of a mountain, alone.
I am the type of person that will do your side of your work for you, without being asked. Just because. I will go out of my way to help you and expect nothing in return. If I owe you money I will do my absolute best to pay you back as soon as I can. If you owe me money, I will never say anything. If I ask how your day is and you don't return the question, I'm still just as nice to you. I will pay for my friends/dates to eat or do whatever we are doing. I let my friends/dates pick whatever they want to do, what they want to eat.
Why, do you ask? Because I don't know how to be anything else. I literally don't know how to tell someone "you're being a JERK, and you are SO WRONG, why can't you SEE THAT?" Instead I keep it all bottled up. I guess part of it stems from being a nurse. We are trained to be able to keep a poker face when being in very awkward or difficult situations and to never talk back to a patient. So I guess I take that nature home with me.
A lot of me has always believed strongly in Karma. I think, "Okay- If I can handle this wrongdoing to me now, karma will bite them in the ass." Or, "maybe this person doesn't realize they are doing something wrong. Maybe next time they will realize and be extra sorry."
But it never happens that way. Karma never comes through. At least not in ways I can visibly see. People around me- acquaintances and people I consider friends, continuously make the same patterns and do it over and over.
And I get it. I do. If I never say something, then how are they supposed to know they are doing anything wrong? I guess I'm naive and immature in thinking that "Oh, eventually they will grow up and look back and realize they were wrong." But will they? Do people ever really change? No.
And lately I've been working on balancing out the wrongdoings. I make baby steps and confront people on the smaller issues but I have this inferiority complex and I instantly feel like a mouse asking for a cookie. A cookie that was never that persons cookie in the first place. Somehow I've either managed to surround myself with very dominant personalities or maybe I am just that introverted on the scale.
The only confrontation I know how to do is avoidance. And by avoidance, that means I won't seek you out for anything, even if you are the only person I know that can do me a particular favor. I will build my own damn house by myself before asking you for a hammer if I'm trying to avoid you. But I'm not even strong enough to tell you off or to even TELL you I'm upset once you do seek me out for whatever you need.
I let people walk all over me because I'd so much rather be the one thats hurt than worry about you being hurt, and I'm the one that hurt you. Is that so wrong? I know I can't let everyone walk all over me. I have to find a balance. But even when I attempt to fight back, it retaliates so much and backfires so drastically in my face, and things end up even worse than they were before. So I stop trying.
Lately it just seems like I've been dancing with the devil in many forms. You can't beat the devil. You have to get the F out of hell before he knows you are down there. And again, I leave hell thinking "boy, I really hope the devil meets his karma". But he won't. He's the devil. There is evil in this world and good. And I grew up thinking the good will always win. If you always do good for other people, people will do good to you. We always learned in elementary school to "treat others how you would like to be treated" and that motto always stuck in my head. But the devil will always be there, and he doesn't seem to give a flying shitwad if you treat him well, he's still going to screw you over.
Humanity makes me sad. Lately strangers make me happy because I don't expect them to be decent. Strangers can go either way, and it makes your day when a total stranger does something really nice for you. We live in a strange dark world and it brightens your day when a stranger smiles at you from across the room. Suddenly you don't feel as alone.
I hope my faith in humanity comes back soon. I miss it.
I get that I am wrong here too in a lot of ways. I have disabled and very disorganized coping mechanisms. I get that. I need help with that. But part of me just wants to go build an igloo in Alaska, live there, and call it a day.
Sorry for the depressing mombojumbo post. I guess this is one of my few places I can let myself vent, even just a little bit.