"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Most Epic Blood Donation Fail Ever

So I  like to donate platelets. It takes about 90 minutes, and the collection center by me gives you a DVD player to sit with during and watch any movie (that they provide) that you want. Snacks galore, free. All you have to do is give them your arm and squeeze a squeegee every 10 seconds.

So here I am, trying to donate. The nurse I had that stuck me was new (i think) and didn't get a great vein. The machine kept beeping and they couldn't get it to flow (I also have weird veins). They called over their more expert nurses to try and get it to work and no one could. So, they said the words I thought they would never say- "We can't use you today."  I thought.....aren't they desperate for blood? Didn't they- CALL ME- Asking if I can *please* donate my blood type? And now they're giving up?

I asked them, well- "Can't we try the other arm?"

Nurse: "No."

Me: "Why not?"

Nurse: "because we can't."

Me: "Okay. Well can I still try and donate whole blood, then?"

Nurse: "No."

Me: "Why not?"

Nurse: "because its our policy. We tried you once already today we can't keep trying."

Me: "Okay. Fine...."

So I closed my nifty DVD player, and off I went.

Nurse: "Oh, but m'am- we still ask that you sit in our little snack area- being that we did take some blood out of you."

Me: "-_-"  (facial expression)

So if you ever have donated blood, you know that the snack area is usually composed of elderly volunteers that like to talk your ear off and get you snacks. You are given a slip after you donate that marks the time you finish, and the time you can leave- So they can make sure nothing happens to you. They still gave me the full time to sit and wait, even though I donated an 1/8 of the regular donation. But the little elderlies don't know this, nor did I feel like explaining it so I could ditch early.

Volunteer: "What can I get you to drink?"

Me: "Oh, nothing- I brought ProPel to drink from home."

Volunteer: "Oh. Well I'm supposed to offer you something.....Soda? Chocolate Milk? Coffee?"

Now, I can't drink any of those, being that I'm allergic to everything. So I take a look at their fridge, their contents open for everyone to see because it had a clear door, like a vending machine.

Me: "Um.....Okay.....Can I have some orange juice then?"

Volunteer: "Oh, no. We're not allowed to give out the orange juice."

Now, here I thought she was kidding- being that she was already giving me a hard time about picking a beverage out. But she wasn't.

Me: "Um...?"

Volunteer: "Its a new policy they made the other day. See, it says so right up there (in fine print), that they did a study out in TimBuckToo that says orange juice after blood donations causes upset stomach.

THis is where Volunteer #2 steps in: "Well, if we can't offer it then why is it visible? I think if it should be visible then I can't possibly say no. Thats a tease. We should give it away. We can't throw it away."

Volunteer #1 (says to me): "Do you want to take home the orange juice?"

Me: "Um..."

Volunteer #2: "You can't ask her if she wants the orange juice after you just said she couldn't have it!"

Here pipes in another prisoner waiting at the table, "Um....I had the orange juice From Volunteer #2, and my stomach is fine."

Me: "Yeah, actually I barely got to donate- So I think I'll be fine."

Volunteer: "Okay fine, but I'm giving you a little. And if you get a stomach ache, I warned you."

Me: "Got it, thanks."

So here is where I pull out my allergen free cookies from home to munch on. I bring these because I can never usually eat the junk food they offer to replenish sugar levels after donating.

Volunteer: "Oh, you brought your own cookies?"

Me: ".....yes."

Volunteer: "Oh. Are they sugar free?"

Me: "No. Dairy free."

Volunteer #2: "oH, are you a diabetic?! I am too."

Me: "um....No. The cookies have plenty of sugar I'm sure. I am not a diabetic. They have no milk...because I am lactose intolerant.

Volunteer: "Oh.....my cousin's aunt's brother's friend is lactose intolerant. He has a terrible time with it."

Me: "Yeah......."

Volunteer #2:  "Oh!!!! We have these cookies over here that are GLUTEN-FREE! Do you want THEM?!"

Me: "Um, no thank you. I can eat gluten."

And that is how you make friends.




Jessica said...

Lmao Julie! =/ awkwardbeans again...

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