"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Unexpecting the Expected
Like I said in my prior blog about her case, I kind of had a bad feeling that she just wasn't going to make it......but to accept it as reality? Thats a whole other ball game.
Its this incredibley eerie feeling that literally on Saturday I was taking care of her and by monday she had passed. It happened so fast. On Friday it started with a worrisome wheeze. By Saturday she couldn't breathe. By Sunday she was back in the ICU. And now what bothers me the most is that her husband is alone.
The story that I've heard from other employees is that she wanted to pass. She was mad at her family for even putting her on a breathing machine. She didn't want to die like that, and neither would I. I don't blame her.
It just kills me that such a nice soul, a nice person, had to die in pain. At least she wasn't alone. She had such a wonderful caring husband, by her side for every minute.
It just......feels funny. You know? Although I've had many many many patients that have died in my care before, as an aide, even some where I was the first one to find them passed, some took their last breath in front of me....but this is only my second as an RN. And they were very similar cases. Not similar medically, but similar in the way they both touched my heart. They both taught me something extraordinary. I will never forget.
The weirdest and hardest part is that they weren't even under my direct care upon their passing. I couldn't even hold their hand. And when I did have them under my care, I had no idea that the very hand I was holding would be gone in two days. In fact with both cases, I didn't even find out about the death until a couple of days after. Here I am thinking how they are probably doing much better by now, and then I hear that she passed. Sigh. She was supposed to get better. She kept telling me how she couldn't wait to just recover from this surgery and get back to normal. Back to normal...
I hope she died in peace with everything. I hope her husband isn't alone.
I know as an RN or any health care personnel, we aren't supposed to get attached...but I can't explain it. Its just a weird feeling. Like nothing me or any of the other nurses did, helped. It was all for nothing because now she's gone. Its a hard gulp to accept, but I will accept it in time. Its part of nursing, all part of the emotional toll.
Like I said, what matters to me most is that I hope her husband is OK. :(
Thanks for reading, with love- ~WNB