"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"

Thursday, December 8, 2011

The Worst of Them All

Sometimes, I think having hypochondria is worse than having the disease. Because with hypochondria, your mind literally creates symptoms to fit alllllll the diseases and on a daily basis you think you're dying from something different. And your mind literally thinks its real. Very real. No wonder I hate doctors and they hate me. I'm beginning to really see it now, I guess. But theres nothing I can do about it. Its an anxiety disorder.

At this current moment, I think I may have:
- pneumonia
- ovarian cancer
- acute renal failure
- diverticulitis
- MS
- fibromyalgia/ CFS
- a brain tumor
- Gastric ulcer ( I wonder WHY)
-Arthritis/ some major joint pain disorder

So am I psychotic enough? yeah. Its a problem.
I can only imagine how I'm going to be when I'm pregnant, and when I have kids. They are going to cough and I'm going to freak out. Ohhhhh this is not good.

Meanwhile, I went to my nurse practitioner yesterday, and literally got a clean bill of health. The problem is that my mind is so twisted that I can't believe her. But I have to.

At this point, to battle the hypochondria, I just have to accept it. I have to say, "For now, I have a clean bill of health as said by the NP/MD, even though I repeatedly told her my symptoms. If, in the future, there arises a major problem that is officially diagnosed, then I can deal with it then." The end.

But it really makes it tricky for hypochondriacs to decide when to go to te doctor. We have spent our lives being laughed at and shunned by the MD community because we come in with the strangest, most odd and specific  descriptions of our symptoms, that they just brush us off as hypochondriacs and prescribe us some tylenol or something. So most of us hate doctors by now because of this. So our anxiety gets worse because we "hide" our "problems" and choose to deal with it ourselves, without the MD. We turn to the internet, to textbooks, to other nurses(in my case), etc. We buy our own medications. We battle it ourselves. But in the back of my mind, I think, "Its probably nothing, as usual, but what if this really is cancer? What if this really IS a brain tumor, and I let it go this long and by the time I eventually show it to the doctor and they diagnose it, he's going to say "If only we had caught this sooner".  And then you start really debating because, even though you really hate doctors, you feel like its necessary to get one on board so at least someone is aware of your potential brain tumor. Sigh.

And that my friend is the twisted anxious mind of a true hypochondriac. I'd give anything to get rid of it.


This pretty much sums it all up:


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