"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"

Tuesday, July 27, 2010


Thats what I feel like. I am so tired. Something is happening to me. I'm not sure if its emotional, physical or both this time. But its definitely not good. I need....I dont know. Im just so tired. I wish sleep helped, but I tried that. Just makes me more tired. Some of it is emotional. I didnt have work today, I didnt have anywhere to be...I did get out of the house and went to lunch and read a pretty interesting book...and that was OK, I was fine. Then I came home, and thought that my Panera salad may have had a peanut in it (I'm allergic) because my throat felt like it was closing up (slowly). So I took 2 benadryl (sp?). I had also taken 2 excedrin for my headache about 90 minutes earlier, and my multivitamin 30 minutes prior. So, poor life choices, too many drugs at once...My body went into total malfunction mode. Benadryl does not normally affect me, I took 4 once for a bee sting and was wide awake. But today, between the feeling like i was going to vomit a days worth of food and feeling tired, I told my mom I was going to go nap. This was at...1. I slept til 5:30. I kept waking up intermittently, and just couldn't bring myself to get out of bed...Part of me was tired (physically), but half of it was also..I just didn't want to get up. I just didnt want to do anything. I couldnt bring myself to move. THat can't be from the freakin Benadryl. Eventually, I did talk myself into getting up...I told myself that I had to do the Elliptical, maybe go for a swim...eat something...(I do talk to myself-outloud- when no one is home-lol), so I got up, made myself some food but couldnt gather up enough energy to go on elliptical or swim. I just dont want to do anything. I told myself I could compromise with myself and instead of exercising, I'd come up and clean my room......and what am I doing instead? I walked in the room, and plopped on to the bed, and came on my blog. Oy. This happened the other day...I forget what day it was. Saturday I think? I had woken up, ate breakfast, felt fine, and then started feeling tired again, so went for a nap. Slept til 2, til I had to go to work. So tired. I just kept coming in and out of sleep and nightmares, and dreams, and couldnt pull myself out of bed. Its so unhealthy. Seriously. I had a dream that day (It was more like 50 dreams all strung together), that my friend tom had texted me during this zombie state I was in, and told me that enough was enough and that I had to stop with this depression and get out of the house. I listened to him (meanwhile- I thought this was real life- not a dream), so (in my dream), I got out of bed and met him at this theater, and there were all these people there. Suddenly we were seniors in high school again, and we were sitting in this theater, waiting to hear what parts we were going to be playing in the next school play. Tom then got this huge award for something, and I didnt get a part. and I remember standing against this wall, with all these people, and tom walked past me to get his award and didnt notice me standing there. In the same string of dreams that day, I was running in my development, and suddenly there was all this construction, it kept road-blocking me, and I had to keep making detours. If that isnt a subconcsious view of my life then I don't know what is. In the same string, I had this dream that I woke up from my zombie state and saw these pills at the bottom of my bed, and I read them and they said "sleeping pills", and I remembered thinking to myself "Oh, thats why Im so sleepy, I thought they were my vitamins"... I texted a lot of people in this dreamstate, all the while I thought it was all real. When I really woke up my phone was empty- no texts, it was all a dream... Who knows, maybe I'm still dreaming. How do we know? Wow, look at me going all Inception-y. Ahh great movie.

No but really even just as I'm typing this I am falling asleep. I friggen just slept 4+ hours! But all my muscles feel tired. My arms, they feel heavy and weak. Everything. Ive considered Iron deficiency...I wish I could test my own Iron, but I need a doctor order blood test to do that. I think thats the problem. or it could be anyway. I forgot to take my vitamin this morning, and yesterday morning, and forgot to take it saturday too. THe vitamin has Iron in it, and the week and a half that I was able to take it everyday without forgetting, I felt amazing. THis is how I felt when I was on the Prozac for the week and a half i was on it like 2 months ago. I stopped taking it because I felt like an exhausted Zombie.

On a good note, my headaches and stomachaches have been ASTOUNDINGLY better! I've been staying away from Dairy and tomato products (ketchup, pasta sauce, tomatos, etc.) which seem to attack my stomach, and Ive been taking a multivitamin for my head, and when I forget to take it, I get the headache back. Maybe I'm just totally deficient in all my vitamins and thats the answer to all my problems.

I'm going to go try taking a shower so that *maybe* I can pull off staying up til 11. Woah there, lets dream big.

And maybe clean my room, like I was supposed to.

tomorrow will be the same. Nothing to do....Just a "relax" day. THats the problem. Nothing to do...but I DO have things to do...get ready for school, homework, I could paint, I could read, go swimming, elliptical, write, b &N, ANYTHING! I just have to make a gate around my bed and all couches and not let myself SLEEP. Its a no win, because If i had filled up tuesdays and wednesdays with something to do (work of some kind), i would have been miserable because then I get no-time off, no relax Julie time....and I despise my job, so I dont want to be there either. But at least it keeps me going, keeps me awake and moving, focused on other people other than myself.

OK, shower time. I hope. SHowers usually help.

I have so much more to say. Maybe I'll make another long post tonight or tomorrow lol. Can i just keep typing?

1 comment:

Jessica said...

I hope you feel better Snaz :(<2 I wish I could help.