"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"

Friday, July 9, 2010

Not Sure where to start..

I am stuck. I am alone...emotionally. I feel as if I am constantly looking for something more--something just out of reach. I am not happy, though it looks as if I should be. I shouldnt even say anything more, as much as I wish I could just type and type and type about everything. But I would dig myself quite the hole. I can't afford to be digging holes.

I watched a movie tonight with my sister. This scene happened, it was supposed to be mildly funny and for some reason i found it hilarious and I could not stop laughing. No not even laughing, It was the type where you are hunched over and your stomach hurts and you are crying and cannot move because you are laughing so hard. It wasnt even that funny, trust me, and I knew that. It just felt so good to laugh...I haven't laughed in so long....Like, really laughed. I miss that. Things could be terrible but when you have a laugh like that, everything is better for just that minute. Imagine if they could put that in a bottle.

I feel like I'm on everyone's bad side-- as if I have managed to piss everyone I know off--without doing anything. Just in the wrong places, wrong times. I feel like I no longer have any good attributes. I have a boyfriend that expends energy on picking out my faults and making fun of them, or expanding them more or just making me feel awful about it...I do everything I can to make his life better and it gets me no where. Its not that Im mad at him for it--how strange is that? I'm too...numb.? to even care...and everyone bugs me about it, but what do i care? I always am hoping it will get better if im just nicer...i sound like a freak. I'm honestly not sure if he could pick any good quality about me, and talent, and feature, any piece of my personality. I just want to be liked, loved I guess...Why is that so much to ask from a long term relationship?
We are just so different. Neither of us are bad people. Just so different. We always have been... I just dont know what to do anymore.

1 comment:

Jessica said...

Hi Snaz. I love you. And you definitely don't piss me off. And, we should talk sometime about all this. If you want to. Maybe hang out one night or something. Let me know :)