"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Fear is only how you look at it
GeoTagged, [N35.60917, E77.35673]
The other day, I came to a rather interesting epiphany in terms my intense fear of the ocean. It all started when I was listening to "part of your world" from The Little Mermaid (don't be a hater-it's my favorite Disney show!) and I'm thinking, damn wouldn't it be awesome to be a mermaid? Lol not because it's a fictional creation, but she gets to swim all day in the ocean, go anywhere, do anything. I love the feeling of swimming, the feeling of your hair in the water... I love fish too. And then as I'm thinking about this I'm like hey, stupid, aren't I terrified of the ocean? Duh, yes. I scream when I have to go in til knee deep. So then how did I catch myself dreaming about the life in the ocean? Wayyy past knee deep? I have a couple theories.
My first is that it is all how you look at a fear. Isn't it fascinating? Think of what you are afraid of. Some people are terrified of bridges, but are you still scared If you had to drive on the same bridge, but it wasn't high up anymore? Some people are afraid of the height aspect of it, some are afraid of the engineering aspect of it, afraid it will crumble. What would it take, to get past that? I didn't think anything could get me past my fear of the ocean. Until I caught myself dreaming about it. Then I wanted to think about what it was exactly that scared me about the ocean and I can come up with one word: The Unknown. The unknown about what's around you, what creatures, what ledges that will suddenly drop off and you're SOL? Sharks? Where are they? Unknown that you could be swept away by the cruel waves... Swept out to sea without mercy... The funny thing is that I'm in LOVE with the beach, with the sand, laying out in the sand, listening to the waves... It is truly one of my favorite things to do. Funny how things work. My other theory was that maybe , my inner dreaming about being alone, swimming all day in the ocean, was a subconcsious plea that I want to escape the life I'm in? That I'm in search for another world, somewhere else that doesn't have nursing, no money, no overwhelming choices that are haunting me about my near future... (I'm getting more and more anxiety about what's coming- day by day- it's getting annoyingly closer :( )
My other theory is that the ocean can be seen in two ways: a monster or a gorgeous friend. I choose to see it as a monster, but I can understand why other people see it differently, for it's beauty. I would love to not be afraid and just have that be my home, a place of endless journeys and opportunities.. I guess I'm just jealous of Ariel lol. I'm laughing at myself typing this because I'm describing not what the ocean is, but whAt our earth is. I have endless possibilities ahead of me, I have choices, I have endless journeys too... I just have to start making them and that scares me. A lot.
I attached a photo because it's one of my favorite pieces of artwork I have done, and it matches the tone of this blog :)