"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"

Sunday, July 11, 2010

There are No words...

...to describe the pain. Of a migraine. I have woken up with a migraine every day for the past week, gone to bed with it, slept all night with it. I have had an ice pack on my hand on my head intermittently for the past week, straight through. I have had periods of headache-free, when the excedrin is strong enough to break through for temporary relief. A migraine makes you not care. Not care about anything--except making the pain stop. It makes you want to slam your head against the wall--because hey, could the pain get any worse? Slamming your head might slam the pain out, maybe. THats how it feels. It hurts to lie down, it hurts to open your eyes. It hurts to think. It hurts to do anything. It hurts to be. You have no idea. I have had one the past week--though a lot of people wouldnt know. Some people can tell- matthew, my mom, sometimes my sister/dad...But usually, I am so used to the type of pain that I have almost become used to it.. I can trudge through it. If it is anything under an 8/10 (pain scale), I can usually hide it. Normally I wouldn't bother hiding it, but when I have a headache 24/7, all day everyday, I can't sit in bed or the couch all day with an ice pack, I have to mask the pain, go through it. I have to get up, make food, go to work, do things with matt, drive, do whatever. What other choice do I have? However, I do have the more than occaisonal over an 8/10, and it does stop me in my tracks. Then, there is literally nothing I can do. I ask for help, though my loved ones around me are so tired of helping me when I get like this that its usually a lost cause asking for help anymore, and I do not blame them. Its one thing to help me when it happens once a month, or once every so often...but 2-3 times a week? I don't blame them... I just wish they could understand. Know that Im not making this up. Im not milking anything to get a "sick day". I wish I could just show this pain to someone, make them feel it just for a second just so they know...even though I couldnt wish this on anyone. I have had to cancel out of work so many times for headaches, cancel dates with friends, disappoint matthew too many times...Migraines make me afraid to live my life. I get anxiety that on a day I need to not have a headache, I get anxiety that I will get one, and then I get one. I sometimes dream about the things I would do with my life, if I could be sure I wouldnt get a headache. I would join the army nurses...I would do Habitat for Humanity (which I am anyway), I would....join a team...I would just do things without being afraid. I would go to Europe. By myself. I've been to doctors. No one knows. I have tried to diagnose this on my own. But no one knows. I dont know anymore.

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