"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"

Friday, August 20, 2010

Finally a blog about nursing

So this is a nursing/ self discovery blog more so than an emotional/ personal blog, For once. I need to get over the emotional stuff and focus on more important things. So this past weekend at work, I've been doing a lot of thinking. A lot of it I already knew, some new discoveries too. We took TWO patients down to the ICU this past weekend, which is a lot of excitement for my floor. Breaks the monotony of bedpans all day. I hate to be a cruel SOB and it's awful to say, but I crave the excitement of adrenaline, code blue ( or any code really) or a mad rush to the ICU...even though that excitement for me means a terrible day for someone else, or even an end of a life at times. But I love it. Our first transfer was really exciting. The patient's vitals dropped very quickly and her O2 dropped into the 40's so they put her on a breathing machine, but still didn't help. So off we went to the ICU, bed and all. So in the elevator is the bed, a breathing machine, and IV, a heart monitor and a nurse, respitory therapist, and me. (and yes, it was a very small elevator to begin with). Every thing is very fast paced and you have to be ready to do anything to save your patient and i love that. I feel like I think better under extreme adrenaline- like my subconcious just knows what to do. When I have time to think about it, I second guess myself and double check and take forever. And usually am not right because I thought too much into it. But when emergency situations come about, I'm a totally different person. I'm smart, I'm proficient, I'm fast, im good at delegating tasks to others, I keep surprisingly calm, can multitask...I love when things get to that level. When I think about it, it circles back to how I've been my entire life. I excel beyond superior when I know I'm already ahead, (a strength), but fall extremely behind when I think I've done something wrong or have no chance of getting ahead (a weakness- something I need to work on). I need to find balance.

But anyway, our second ICU transfer was a lot more boring. Not even worth writing about really.

Ok point is, as much as I also want to do pediatric nursing (which, like my floor now can have exciting moments at times, will at majority not be exciting. This goes back to a vague post I left a couple weeks ago about how I should have joined army nurses. I read so many memoirs of nurses that have been through war, it intrigues me so much. They sometimes work under the shittiest conditions. They sometimes work for 3 days straight with only an hour here and there for sleep. They are constantly working under a constant threat that their camp could be attacked. Everything they do is an emergency, a life saving event... Nurses get to work right alongside doctors, instead of sitting at a desk trying to figure out doctor writing or getting yelled at by some doctor. (just writing from experience-not stereotype).
I like pushing myself to the limit. I like to test my boundaries. Even on my floor, after fighting with strong men all day or even if its just really busy overall, sometimes i have 15+ things on my critical list of things to do...but i love it. I love when it gets like that, even if i complain later that work was "so busy". I like to throw my hair up in to an extremely messy bun and get ready to run down the hall or get ready to do CPR or be a part of a psych situation, where im the one responsible for holding down some very, very strong people. There was once a time that I was the only one who knew exactly how to handle a particular psych patient we had, and I was not only the one talking him through his crisis, but also holding him down and to top it all off, telling the month old nurse what to do and reminding her how to give an injection because she was so nervous. I love that feeling. If I can't have army one day I really want to maybe do medivac nursing (helicopter), or ER nursing...but we'll see.

On another note, so so so many people have told me to go into psychnursing. I have this natural built in mechanism that when I'm in person with someone, I am very good at like picking up how someone is feeling, what they're thinking, why their doing what they're doing, and I'm good at picking up on emotions. I can easily (usually) predict peoples potential next actions, or understand why they did what they did or said. Also, and some consider this a weakness, I consider it a strength. I have this ability to sort of act as a chameleon. I can change how I act based on who I'm with. When I meet someone new, I know within about one minute "who" I'll be. I'm a different person with my friends than I am at work, I'm different with each individual friend, different with each group...different when I go on dates, different at school...sometimes I watch myself change, I hear myself speak, and I'm thinking-- what am I saying?? I totally don't even sound like me. It's very weird. It's a strength at times but also a weakness. I cannot do this with kids, which is why I often have a very hard time understanding toddlers and children. I don't know what they're thinking, what they might do...they flip emotions in a heartbeat... It makes me uncomfortable because I'm used to adults. So why am I going into pediatrics? Not a clue. It just feels right.
At work, I'm different with every single patient and I don't have to try and do it it just happens. I morph myself into who I think each person needs at that moment, and I remember it for each person. The only problem is, I can be 50 people, but who is just Julie? Who am I when I'm alone? I've thought about It and each time my answer is- depends where I am. B&n reading a book with tea? Walking? Doing housework? Homework? It is always different. When I'm alone is when I'm at my most secret, inner exposed self. I have no persona to hide behind I guess. Sometimes I want people-particular people, or strangers, I guess- to see this inner self yet at the same time I build such a complex wall around myself that it's almost impossible to tap through. Maybe I'm waiting for the person that can make the wall come crumbling down with just a finger, the person who can walk through the rubble to get to my heart and not walk away, ever again. Once you're in, you're in, with me. I'm big on metaphors, and with this metaphor, I feel like there have been two people to come to the entrance of this wall, so to speak. The first tried very hard to find the code in and did. That person took a piece of what they found inside, a piece of my heart and still has it. Number two is standing at the entrance right now and I feel is ready to turn the other way, deciding not to enter... I think I live every second waiting to turn around in the supermarket and see the person that I know can get in, and know it immediately. I wake up each day and I'm like, is today the day I'll meet that person? Will it be someone I get in a car accident with? The friend of a friend I met By chance? The person who stands behind me in line? Who knows. Is that love?
Meeting and knowing right away the person who you want to share you're deepest and darkest part about you with. Is that love?

Well looks like my nursing blog went personal. But it sort of related. :-)

Ta ta for now,

~ a writer in a nurse's body <3

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