"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Tossing and Turning

is way more fun. My body feels that it is more fun to continously keep rolling around in bed, than to sleep. I have to be up in....5 hours. so I can chase kids around til 2. I had way too much caffeine today. Stupid headaches.

I really might go outside and watch the stars. I wish we still had our swingset, as dorky as that sounds, I wish I could go sit on the swings and watch the stars. I just wish I had someone to do it with. I don't. I can't. I won't.

I need to find a way to reverse the effects of caffeine--fast. Geez, I took the Excedrin at like 5:00. Seriously. I'm already hyper without any help, and with caffeine not only do i have physical hand tremors but my mind is seriously like- wired- thoughts flying like crazy, keeping me awake. Thinking too much is very dangerous.

I am so frigggen HUNGRY. its 1 am. Why am I hungry? No clue. I have been such a bum-poop this week in terms of my weight loss regimen. i havent weighed myself in over a week but I can tell its not going well. And of course, the whole reason I wanted to lose weight this summer, is this saturday. THe worst week possible for me to be a total bum-poop. bahhh. I need to figure me out soon.

I think I need to get my ass back to school, I seriously cannot wait. I think that will help a LOT. Get out of this house, be on my own again....away from all this...heartbreak that surrounds me here. A day does not go by that I do not wish to go sit in my car and scream as loud as I can because no one can hear it. One of the few places that I can just be alone. There is one particular thing pressing on my heart right now and it is the most frustrating thing (actually thats a lie-I've been through tremendously worse.). but it is pretty heartbreaking still.

Ok-- attempt number....3 ....to shut my brain off and sleep. And stop thinking about food. Geez.

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