"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"
Thursday, August 26, 2010
I just keep tossing and turning, which is abnormal for me. But literally-I get into a comfy position and then (10 seconds later!) decide that it is definitely not going to work out, and turn to my other side. Its all about my head. Every time I put my head down it hurts recently, which is weird because it doesnt hurt when I'm doing something. My pillow has to be *just* right. Which rarely happens. Eventually I just fall asleep regardless of my comfortable-ness. And I've also been waking up at 5 AM very often and I'll get up, look out my window- (with my glasses on)- inspect my....lawn? trees? stars? and then decide that oh hey, It's 5 AM, continuing my sleep would be an excellent idea.
Thats about it. I dont even want to even talk about the state of confusion my heart is in right now. Heh--It's sort of on a....numb-break? Nothing is phasing me right now. I think I turned it off. Yep. I turned my heart off, so that It cannot be hurt. But that makes me not happy because I like it when my heart is on- I like to feel the heartbreak because It reflects in my writing, my painting...my exercise...Heartbreak is very powerful. But I can't just turn my heart back on. My subconscious self-defense system just shut everything down, after surviving the last couple weeks.
Back to school soon...I have a lot of mixed feelings about it. So many other friends are so happy about it. ANd don't get me wrong, I am ECSTATIC to be getting OUT of this house, and into my cozy single, where i can just be alone . QUIET! :-) I'm very much looking forward to it. But, I am having a very hard time finding the motivation to pack, (I think my heart being turned off has something to do with this whole lack of motivation whilly)-and Also, this is my last year in school. school for me means....still a kid? I guess? I am in the safety of my dorm room...the college.. All I have to do is work, do my homework, go to class, get good grades, eat, sleep, socialize (on occasion)....thats all. Its so simple. I just know as soon as May starts getting closer and closer, my stress level is going to go into Panic mode. Because next summer I have to take my NCLEX, and then, be a nurse. Which means I guess I really am an official adult. I'll be moving out. I'll have my own house...sort of. I'll have a JOB. It's very surreal and I cannot picture it. I hope my heart turns back on by then because i am definitely going to be needing it.
Gahh I'm sorry this is a long blog, but I just thought of something really happy. I took Ryan (3) and Ava (1) to the park to play. THey played alone most of the time alone, or together, until this adorable little girl comes over to RYan and very confidently says, "Hi! I'm Rachel! It is so nice to meet you!" And then went to stick her hand out and shook his hand. Ryan didnt know what to do- He was stunned! I didn't say anything- Just watched them interact, I was curious to see what Ryan would do. He said "My name is ryan." She responded with, "WOuld you like to be my playdate?" And he said, nodding, "Will you play on the dinosaur??" So, off they went, cute as a button, and played together for the next couple hours. It just absolutely made my day. I am beginning to really love Kids. Especially when you can see them go through developmental changes like that.
Au Revoir, ~A Writer in a Nurse's Body.