Nerves

So tomorrow is my *first* (sort of ) day on the clinical floor. I say sort of because its the first for this semester. Week 1 and 2 I unexpectedly went to the OR and ICU, week 3 was my planned day to Endoscopy...Now is my scheduled day 3 on floor, which is my first. Since Im first on list its also my "turn" to get two patients...So I havent been on the floor yet, and I'm getting two patients first day.

I'm nervous.
The funny thing is---Why am I so nervous for getting 2 patients when I'm used to having 30 patients to manage all summer?

I don't knowwww. Hopefully it will go good. :) I hope.

My Love Story to-be.

Well. This blog is about writing and nursing. Not about my broken heart or how screwed up life can be (although those are good things to talk about on occasion too). So I want to start writing about what I want to write! THat doesn't make sense. What I mean is that I want to blog about what I am currently trying to write...novel wise. Or even just ideas. I guess in the past I have always been afraid to make that information public because I didn't want someone to think it was stupid and then I would feel like it wasn't worth writing about.

I have many many many many MANY novel ideas (Like 8)- thats a lot. But the one I have been thinking about a lot lately is a love story. Here is the (very basic) premise.
There is a character. He meets this girl, (or she meets this guy- I'm not sure if the main character will be male or female). THey fall in love. ( I have to work that part out- how they fall in love). He(she) is diagnosed with Schizophrenia. He (she) accepts medication treatment. suddenly, the love interest person has disappeared. Patient doesnt understand. Patient realizes that person has been imaginary the entire time, and went away with the medication. Patient is under eternal debate with himself and health care team as to whether or not to continue the meds because he (she) does not want to lose who he loves...The patient may or may not be committed to a psychiatric ward, I'm not sure yet.

Big problem:
Sounds too much like "A Beautiful Mind". I didn't realize how much it was similar until I told this idea to a friend and they said it sounded a lot like the movie- He meets his roommates and becomes best friends with them and then he realizes he has schizophrenia and his roommate is imaginary.

Only difference is mine is a love story. And a tragic, tragic sad story.

I have to figure out how to make it different somehow...really different. This is where needing a muse comes in. :-)

~ A Writer in a Nurse's Body.

When Life Gives you Lemons

OK so Go listen to this song called "When life gives you lemons" By the "Boy least Likely to".









It will make you smile, I promise. <3 href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOaHZ2vI8gvfioc2kPsGVMZiobE7Acjwt2GX8Wn8kzEVXgKJVdkpV2pV46Oe5tXrrB9K_1kSkuPkcd7ELa3IAjY9cEa8jwR_UHm9xjfn-a1NQXqu4o3pJxefi_mXGvoS4TmsxqvKMkbu8/s1600/IMG_0642.JPG">
Don't you, (forget about me).

"I dropped a tear in the ocean, and whenever they find it, I'll stop loving you. Only then."

Music makes me so happy :-)

It really, really does. What else is Out there to turn a horrible day into a bearable day? What else can make you want to dance and wiggle and laugh and smile for no other apparent reason? Music makes you smile just because. Music calms you down. Music heals.

Music shows you that you are not alone And you can relate to whoever wrote the lyrics- it's a reminder that at least one other person in this universe knows how you feel.

Adam Levine**, rob Thomas, nate ruess, pat monahan... Among many many more.

Is it possible?

I'm pretty sure I have two solid and complete personalities up in my brain and they fight with each other all. The. Time. I know that's cliche. The devil and the angel on the shoulder. But neither is good or bad- they are both each, depending on whatever I'm struggling with. They rarely agree and are complete opposites. Right now they both have a very different opinion on what to do with a big situation I'm going through and it's driving me and a person very important to me--nuts. Sometimes one personality gets closer to my "surface" and shows more, but the other is still there. It confuses a lot of people. It confuses me. I think in reality, I have about 50 personalities, on the outside. Depending on who I'm with, where I am, what I'm wearing...what the weather is like...(I'm not kidding). But that is all shown on the outside. I have two polar personalities on my inside and it is driving me crazy.

Am I crazy? :-(

I wish I could just make up my mind.

Maybe later I'll go into more about what each of these personalities are like. But that would be giving out a lot of information.

Next to Normal

I really want to go see this show on Broadway-- Any one ever hear of it? I have listened to the soundtrack and I really like it and can relate to a lot of it...I wonder If the show is good.

http://www.nexttonormal.com/app/webroot/land/info/?gclid=CPDyj5LqqqQCFd9n5Qod2H-o4Q

Sounds

I love the sound my bike makes as the spokes turn, and when I'm not pedaling and the wheels are turning...

I love my bike it makes me so happy. :-)

Choices

Let's say you had a job. And you were content, happy with this job. It didnt cause you too much harm. you went to work, day to day, content. Nothing exciting, nothing depressing. Just work. It had good benefits--good retirement, good healthcare...but didnt do much for your soul. But it made sense to stay. It felt comfortable to stay.

But part of you, a big part of you, wants to just quit that job and run out of the building and say HEY WORLD, I'M LOOKING FOR A NEW JOB. I'm looking for something NEW to do! Would you leave the content, happy job, in hopes of finding a really exciting job that makes you want to sing in the streets every day because you are so happy? But what if you quit the content happy job and find yourself broke on the streets, no job? Or worse, In a job much, much worse and then you lost your first job that was happy, content and comfortable and now that is gone because you gave it up in a false hope to be happier....But what if you really thought happiness, more happiness, excitement-perfection...was out there, in a different job?

Would you quit?

Ouch.

I have had a migraine for the past 4 days with periodic (small) breaks when the caffeine and excedrin breaks through.

What. Is. WRONG. With. ME.

Lactose Intolerant

So. At the beginning of the summer I diagnosed myself as lactose intolerant. Its made me feel so much better...my head and my stomach. Well today milk found its way into my diet and like clockwork, 4 hours later I am in debilitating stomach pain. Its the worst thing in the world. I am never eating lactose ever again EVER! It's so painful. I'm going to have to start being more careful about the ingredients. This time around I *think* its my dad's recipe for banana bread. (My favorite). :( I always seem to get very nauseous after I eat it though. THis time we put my special milk in it though...but I wonder if baking it changes it? Not sure. But. I ate a piece and now this. So. No more banana bread :( *Adds that to the list of 5,000 foods I can't eat :(

Exercise

Ahhhhh MAGIC! I LOVE endorphins!!! I feel soooooooo much better after I exercise. Like, my BRAIN feels better! I can think faster. Things make more sense. Things click faster. I feel healthier. I feel HAPPIER. I can look at things that were bothering me and come up with better solutions. LOVE.

Ghost!

So. My picture editing program has this new feature- It can detect faces, and I say who that is and it will later recognize that face and group that person for me into their own album, which is really handy! BUT, Look at the above picture. It recognized that as a face. DOES THAT NOT LOOK LIKE A FACE? THat is so a face. Except its not. I think its a ghost. It was in a very tiny corner of the blown up picture (It was taken through a WINDOW-SCARY), when I took a picture of a grasshopper on my screen. So, this is epic and scary. It looks like a mean ghost.

How you Look at your Day

I wanted to take a moment to point out something very important in this life. A lot of times in my life I am dragged down by so many things, people, stress around me…and I take a lot of things to heart and it affects me. I go to bed stressed about the next day very often. I am often pessimistic- sometimes. But my best friend- Jess- has a very important blog that I couldn't be more proud of. Here is the link: http://365unexpecteddelights.blogspot.com/. She writes every single day (that alone is an accomplishment enough), and she finds something about her day that was positive and happy. That is so amazing! And Healthy. That is a very good thing. I know her very well and often know that her day didn't go well and that she is under a lot of stress, like all of us, but still- she still finds something about her day that was very positive and made the day worthwhile. That is a quality we all should have. Lately, it has been helping me a lot too. I think to myself, everyday, "If I had Jess' blog, what would I pick about today that I would write about? What has been positive today?" I can't thank her enough for shedding that light on how I look at things. Like I said, often I am too stressed and think everything is downright horrible. I need to take a breather and think, what about today was a good thing? What made today not just another day? What about today was a learning experience for tomorrow? I need to focus on that, and keep going. Thank you, Snazzie!! J Love you always <2

Sound of Music | Central Station Antwerp (Belgium)

THis is the most AMAZING video I have ever seen. This video could cure anyone's bout of depression. Seriously amazing! It made me so happy! I even got goosebumps. I'm going to watch it at least 5 more times. Finally, a happy post!! Thank you Warren for putting it on your blog so I could see this!

Oh and..

I've cracked my neck approximately 400 times today. My spine could potentially be out of alignment. Again, I could die.



I seriously need medication for this. Maybe its like a special form of OCD. I wonder if they treat hypochondria. Probably the same thing they give for anxiety. But i hate drugs!!! I am trying to be anti-drug!! thats what my whole future is going to be! Gahh. i need to find a natural remedy for anxiety. I need to relax. and seriously get started on my friggen homework.


Relaxxxxx.

Another attack of hypochondriases

So, this morning, I was convinced-I was dying- from appendicitis. No really. I woke up with this gnawing agonizing pain in my lower right abdomen and I was like..hmm. Is this what a bursting appendix feels like? Could be. I dont know. So, because I know I am a hypochondriac, I brushed it off and figured if I was dying, then eventually I'd find myself in the hospital and they would fix it but for now- I had to go to class and that was that. And I did. And I was fine. I didn't die. Which is good. I'm not sure what it was.

But its a tricky game because what if it was something very serious? But how can I know? My mind creates these emergencies so that everything is an emergency- And I've actually gone to the ER because I thought I was actually dying once. And they gave me something for my head and stomach, charged us an arm and a leg and sent me home and I was fine. Well, they thought I was. SO point being- I can't go calling emergency for every single flare up of whatever.

Its funny because I make it seem like I am afraid of dying. I'm not. If I'm gonna die from something medical, then so be it, it's my time. So why the stress?? I guess its because I am afraid of dying from a long and painful disease? Or that I want to write a book before I die and thats not happening anytime soon and I need a lot more time? *sigh* I put entirely way too much thought into this. This is what I think about when my mind wanders off in class.


Also, on another note. THis frustrates me. I want to draw SO BAD. Or Paint. Or write. I have ALL summer to do these fun things. Do I? Of course not. When do i want to do them? When I have homework. Do I want to do them on nights when homework is done and I can chill? No. I want to draw when I have four chapters to read and outline and an article to critique and blah blah blahh. Oy. THe good news is, I *did* paint a painting this summer. So I can't be too hard on myself. But i started a second one and never finished it, and now I want to finish it. Of course.

I am writing though. Slowly. I keep going back to this same silly scene that played out in my head and everytime I have a couple minutes of downtime, I'll open it up on my phone notepad and continue writing on it. Its this piece of dialogue between two people in a coffee shop and the conversation takes random turns, depending on what mood I'm in when I update it. I plan to make it a blog on here when its "done", if I can ever even call it that.

OK I really have to go read a gazillion chapters now. Gotta love nursing school.

~ AWIANB (Not a huge fan of the acronym version. Ill spell that out next time.)

My apologies go out...

I don't know whats wrong with me, its just like...I'm tired of trying. I came to this conclusion on my bike ride today. I was like, why is it so hard for me to be nice to people this semester? Because I'm done trying, im done trying so hard to put in a fake effort, all smiley to people I know deep down don't give a shit. I'm just tired of pretending I guess. I just want to be myself. If that comes across as mean or rude, I am actually very sorry. Its just me being protective of myself and digging myself into a hole. I'll be back.



My confidence level has plummeted(sp?). See-I can't even be sure that I can spell anymore. What I mean by confidence level is education confidence. I did all my readings for homework, like, actually read them thoroughly, understood them. And today in class a teacher asks a question from the readings and I can't seem to answer it. I have an answer in my head- I think its right- but im SO AFRAID of being rejected lately- its been getting progressively worse- that I don't even try. Today, though, I KNEW i had the answer to this one question, And so I gave quite the lengthy response to a simple question and the teacher, when I was done, literally looked at me and was like, "You're absolutely right. How did you know that? Have you taken a class in this before?"

I was like....are you serious? But I didnt say that. It was ALL in the assigned readings to have done by that class....no one else read it. I did. I gave her her answer. I didnt know what to say back without sounding like a total bitch so I quietly said "It was in the reading..." and she was like, so shocked, that I read the homework before class. Which is what we were supposed to do.


o_0. Whoooo knowwwsss. Not me. I have a lot more I could say but am meeting my bestie friend for dinner (someone who I don't have trouble socializing with- thats a very good thing- I need more people like that). SO, Ta ta for now.....


~ A (notsomuch) Writer in an (overwhelmed) nurses body.

All I Need

I'd like to showcase some lyrics I recently found from a band I'm in love with. These lyrics (pretty much the entire album) can directly correlate to my life right now. Its almost creepy.

"And that's all that I need,
Someone else to cling to
Someone I can lean on until
I don't need to
Just stay all through the night
And in the morning let me down
Cuz that's all that I need, right now"

-Matchbox 20

You're waiting here, For someone else to break you.
From the inside.
You've been so composed; But we all know there's always something tearing you apart.
It's always so much longer Than you counted on
And it hits you so much harder than you thought .
But you don't worry
You don't worry
Cuz you got soul
You're so heavy; you're so misunderstood

Darling you've got so much soul
There's always something
Tearing you apart

-Matchbox 20

"I wonder how you sleep
I wonder what you think - of me
If I could go back
Would you have ever been with me
I want you to be uneased
I want you to remember
I want you to believe in me
I want you on my side
Come on
And lay it down
I've always been with you
Here and now
Give all that's within you
Be my savior
And I'll be your downfall
Here we go again
Ashamed of being broken in
We're getting off track
And I want to get you back again
I want you to trouble me
I wanted you to linger
I want you to agree with me
I want so much, so bad" –MB 20

Tired.

You love me, but you don't know who I am.

Oh,

and I hate freshmen. No really, I do. Oy.

o_o

I'm having a "What the $*@(!!!(*$#)!_(#)@$ IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE??" sort of day.



People sometimes!! Oy. Seriously like what are you thinking??

Finally, an Answer.. Sort of.

So, I have come to a major life decision. I have finally really (realistically) realized (WOW That is a lot of words with the real- prefix!), that I want to get my Masters in Homeopathic medicine. I might open up my own practice one day even. But I am very interested in staying away from the "western" medicine stuff. I want to treat patients naturally, the way the world is supposed to be without a zillion drugs thrown at each patient. I want to get to know my patients, treat them with natural therapies, herbs, relaxation...natural stuff. Only problem is, our culture here isnt *huge* on schools for this. Our culture here sort of looks down on this type of medicine, because America has Western, modern, advanced medicine that is obviously much better for you. Ugh. So, I may have to go to Europe...I don't know...Or find a school here. I think Im going to try and get my Family Nurse Practicioner first, that way I do have a "westernized" base, just in case and I can fall back on that and also, use that knowledge to still treat my patients. Its still very useful information, I just dont have to throw drugs at my patients just because i have a degree that enables me to do so. Then...my doctorate! Oh boy. Wow, i'm going to be 40 by the time I'm done....whats the point?? Lol. But I Love school, and this is what I want. So good :) Woo! Finally, somewhere, somewhere to head towards...a goal!