"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

My apologies go out...

I don't know whats wrong with me, its just like...I'm tired of trying. I came to this conclusion on my bike ride today. I was like, why is it so hard for me to be nice to people this semester? Because I'm done trying, im done trying so hard to put in a fake effort, all smiley to people I know deep down don't give a shit. I'm just tired of pretending I guess. I just want to be myself. If that comes across as mean or rude, I am actually very sorry. Its just me being protective of myself and digging myself into a hole. I'll be back.

My confidence level has plummeted(sp?). See-I can't even be sure that I can spell anymore. What I mean by confidence level is education confidence. I did all my readings for homework, like, actually read them thoroughly, understood them. And today in class a teacher asks a question from the readings and I can't seem to answer it. I have an answer in my head- I think its right- but im SO AFRAID of being rejected lately- its been getting progressively worse- that I don't even try. Today, though, I KNEW i had the answer to this one question, And so I gave quite the lengthy response to a simple question and the teacher, when I was done, literally looked at me and was like, "You're absolutely right. How did you know that? Have you taken a class in this before?"

I was like....are you serious? But I didnt say that. It was ALL in the assigned readings to have done by that class....no one else read it. I did. I gave her her answer. I didnt know what to say back without sounding like a total bitch so I quietly said "It was in the reading..." and she was like, so shocked, that I read the homework before class. Which is what we were supposed to do.

o_0. Whoooo knowwwsss. Not me. I have a lot more I could say but am meeting my bestie friend for dinner (someone who I don't have trouble socializing with- thats a very good thing- I need more people like that). SO, Ta ta for now.....

~ A (notsomuch) Writer in an (overwhelmed) nurses body.

1 comment:

Jerseygypsy said...

I've been there...my senior year consisted of me shutting myself off from everyone I didn't like (which means...all but 2 people), and I made myself miserable thinking I wasn't good enough in my classes.

Unfortunately, I don't have any advice except look for a big life change (that's what sucked me out of that funk)...but I've been there and I feel ya :-)