"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Another attack of hypochondriases

So, this morning, I was convinced-I was dying- from appendicitis. No really. I woke up with this gnawing agonizing pain in my lower right abdomen and I was like..hmm. Is this what a bursting appendix feels like? Could be. I dont know. So, because I know I am a hypochondriac, I brushed it off and figured if I was dying, then eventually I'd find myself in the hospital and they would fix it but for now- I had to go to class and that was that. And I did. And I was fine. I didn't die. Which is good. I'm not sure what it was.

But its a tricky game because what if it was something very serious? But how can I know? My mind creates these emergencies so that everything is an emergency- And I've actually gone to the ER because I thought I was actually dying once. And they gave me something for my head and stomach, charged us an arm and a leg and sent me home and I was fine. Well, they thought I was. SO point being- I can't go calling emergency for every single flare up of whatever.

Its funny because I make it seem like I am afraid of dying. I'm not. If I'm gonna die from something medical, then so be it, it's my time. So why the stress?? I guess its because I am afraid of dying from a long and painful disease? Or that I want to write a book before I die and thats not happening anytime soon and I need a lot more time? *sigh* I put entirely way too much thought into this. This is what I think about when my mind wanders off in class.

Also, on another note. THis frustrates me. I want to draw SO BAD. Or Paint. Or write. I have ALL summer to do these fun things. Do I? Of course not. When do i want to do them? When I have homework. Do I want to do them on nights when homework is done and I can chill? No. I want to draw when I have four chapters to read and outline and an article to critique and blah blah blahh. Oy. THe good news is, I *did* paint a painting this summer. So I can't be too hard on myself. But i started a second one and never finished it, and now I want to finish it. Of course.

I am writing though. Slowly. I keep going back to this same silly scene that played out in my head and everytime I have a couple minutes of downtime, I'll open it up on my phone notepad and continue writing on it. Its this piece of dialogue between two people in a coffee shop and the conversation takes random turns, depending on what mood I'm in when I update it. I plan to make it a blog on here when its "done", if I can ever even call it that.

OK I really have to go read a gazillion chapters now. Gotta love nursing school.

~ AWIANB (Not a huge fan of the acronym version. Ill spell that out next time.)

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