"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Where I want to Be

I'm having an off night. Can't really explain it....I don't think I could if I even tried. I guess thats the scary part? But its midnight now and I am drawing and listening to some music and this is helping. If "this" is still happening Monday I will *have* to go to the Doctor even though I hate most doctors and how all of my health issues are subjective. For once It'd be nice if a doctor could see what is inside of me, what I am feeling, rather than what they can see. I get it, for them. I know. I know how frustrated doctors are. Its like stabbing in the dark with patients like me. If they can't see the problem, how is it best to treat? Drugs, drugs, drugs? Ugh. Hardly. I want to go back to my holistic NP but can't exactly afford $180/hr right now.

Drawing helps, it gets my mind away from me. It takes me somewhere else.....when you are able to focus on something like that, whether it be drawing, or playing some sort of video game, or....running, or walking, or painting or whatever, when you can be awake and yet let your mind "take a break" from yourself, from your thoughts, its sort of free to do what it wants. Its like accessing the dream state while awake. Although I am in my present self focusing on my drawing, my mind is a thousand miles away. And then I re-focus and my drawing is 75% done! Nice :) So thats what drawing does for me. Thats what reading does. Thats what writing does. Thats what music does.

Right now, in this present moment, I would really just love to be here:

Bryant Park, New York City

This place, right here.....this place is magical. Everyone who has been there, knows it. Definitely makes my "top five" favorite places...and I've been to Europe.

Speaking of Europe, I'd also rather be back here right now:

This probably marks my favorite place. Luxembourg Gardens, Paris. Which is funny, because I didn't even know this existed in the world, let alone Paris, until I got off the bus and it was right in front of me. But isn't that sort of what makes it surreal? Those special moments when you think you are lost, and you make a turn and you walk into this magical place where all these people are, and you think, how does everyone else know the address to heaven?? And there you are, in the middle of it all. It's perfect, and you are happy. I want to go back.

So, thats that. Tonight is a blast Blue October kind of night. As Justin Furstenfeld puts it, "Just believe in all who shine the light to help you see...'cause if I believe in you, will you believe in me?" from Kangaroo Cry

Goodnight, World. Here's to hopefully a better weekend ahead :)


PS- This is my 365th post!!! Ah! Funny since that marks a year, sort of, even though I've had this for two years now. Odd. :-) 

1 comment:

Jessica said...

I love your "address to heaven comment!" Also, I LOVE Bryant Park tooooo! I also love you and I hope you feel better <2