"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"

Monday, November 22, 2010

Gorgeous night

So, it's probably like 50 degrees out here, which in new jersey standards for November thanksgiving week, is warm. Or maybe it just feels incredible because every place (indoor) I go into I have to take off my coat because I am so incredibly hot and it is unbearable. So outside Is nice. These hot flashes are either in thanks to the prednisone, or the fact that my campus heats according to what the temperature should be, not what it really is. So a warm November week outside leads to all campus buildings being hot. I have my ac on in my room, no lie.

So today went well. I did a lot of bullshitting on my interview because I didn't know what to say when put on the spot. She said flat out that she had only a few positions open and she may not be able to take me. So I was just as honest as possible, and tried to do my best. I feel I have personal charm when I need it and I know what people want. My weakness is that when people are talking to me and just me, I never know what to do with my face or with my hands. I'm always concerned with my facial expression- I want to appear interested- even if I really am interested inside, sometimes my brain is just on overpower thinking about what the person is talking about that my facial expression is on the back burner and I appear disinterested. When in fact I'm just thinking about what you're saying. Other times, I really could care less what you're talking about or don't understand, and therefore brain gets tired and shuts off and therefore I am left to work out my facial expressions and how to appear interested. Wow, that was a mouthful.

Anyway, the way I see it is this. 1) I didn't make a total ass of myself or look like an idiot that didn't know how to do anything nursing related. I answered questions quickly and honestly and did my skill well. 2) if I get the position, fantastic. Really. It will be stressful, but beneficial in the end. If I don't get it, I'm really not that concerned because i probably wasnt a good enough candidate for the position and I wouldnt want to put the nursing program department reputation at risk.

Today, or rather the past two days I have been in a Blue-October (music) mood. I feel so wrapped up inside of my little cocoon- so apart from the rest of human society. I avoid people, I'd rather not talk and I like to do things by myself. Yesterday I spent 3 hours at barnes and noble, went shopping for some clothes, and went to dinner, all by myself. Today (besides classes) I have been alone. Ate dinner. Now, I'm sitting outside my library under the evening light with some hot tea and a newspaper (hard to see in picture), and I couldn't possibly be more relaxed or happy.

Although thanksgiving break is starting tomorrow, it will not be a break. I have to catch up on work I missed while in the hospital, current work that I expected to have done by end of break anyway, and get started on advanced work so I can get ahead, which is where I like to be. So despite my best friend and grandmother (same person) being with me at my house starting tomorrow until the weekend, I must utilize every possible hour and work pretty damn hard. I said the same thing for fall break and it didn't go well. In fact I did nothing. I can't do that again. I do however, plan to take a break on thanksgiving day only and enjoy tea and intellectual conversations with my grandmother and do nothin nursing related. Oh, and eat some awesome food.

Ok well it's starting to get a little cold. I shall sign off and leave you readers to go do something else, or read old blog entries or hey, VOTE! on my little poll! Do it!

Ok with love,

~ A Writer in a Nurse's Body

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