"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"

Sunday, April 3, 2011

The Frustrating Cycle of Doctorness

So here's how it goes...

I have "phases" or "bad days" of feeling really sick....It all hits at once. Sometimes I know what caused it (milk got into diet) and I'm OK with surviving through the consequences. But when something hits me and I have no idea whats causing it.....I feel hopeless. I say to myself, I need to see a doctor NOW, but its not serious enough to go to the ER, I just want to see one in an appt. I need to see him and show him the symptoms I am having NOW. But doctors don't see you NOW, they see you when they have an appointment open. By then, I feel better. I usually feel better the next day.

Despite feeling like I am going to die one day, and having myself so convinced that I promise to call the doctor the next day , the next day comes and I feel totally better and I think, "Well....I feel better now. I survived.  I helped myself all on my own. I don't need a silly doctor to help me." Despite feeling desperate for one the day before.

I am just so fed up with how our healthcare system.  I cant even beGIN to explain how frustrated I am with it all. I know something is really, really wrong me and its getting worse....but usually, you wouldn't know just by looking at me. And therefore, doctor's don't know. They have a hard time believing what they can't see. So they put you through endless testing, (sometimes more than once) to try and "see" whats wrong. If they can't figure it out- You are pegged with having Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

I spoke with an NP at the Nurse's convention that specialized in Celiac Disease. She had me convinced that a majority of all my symptoms somehow relate to Celiac Disease. I told her my GI doctor tested via endoscopy and denied it. However, sometimes it doesnt show up that way, especially since I had been on a gluten-free diet previously at the time. So she says I need to have a genetic test. Thats a sure-fire way of knowing if you have the gene or not.

*sigh*. Today is a bad day. But the doctors I want to see aren't open today, and I have so much work to do for the next week MONTH that I can't even envision having an hour to spend with a doctor anyway.

I just want a doctor to look at me, and understand. To believe me. To know what the flying duck they are doing.


~ A Writer in a (Frustrated) Nurse's Body

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