"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Maybe It's Supposed to be this Way.

I have been fluctuating moods so drastically lately....I think its the stress/lack of sleep/lack of exercise. I go to two extremes when I'm really tired- I'm either really hyper or really, really groggy and I act like I either have dementia or am really drunk. Today is one of those non-hyper kind of exhausted days. I need to figure out why this is happening. Just the other night I was running around the house dancing and wanted to finish all of my work I have ever been assigned, read the newspaper front to back, wash the dishes, do everything.  And I wasn't even hyped up on caffeine...I was just me. It was just this crazy all day burst of energy. And then, days like this, where I try really hard to be productive but I am so tired that all I do is drag myself out of bed to attend to my schedule, and then crawl back into bed as soon as I can... I exercised today, hoping it would help. I scheduled an hour but only had enough energy for 30 minutes, and I started to feel dizzy. So I got off, cooled down and then on way back had a burst of energy and I wanted to run (weird) so I ran the half mile back to my house. That felt good, and I felt good for about a half hour and then the exhaustion came back.

I don't get it. I sleep perfectly well at night. I usually sleep right through. I get 7-9 hours usually every night. My nutrition is pretty good, in my opinion. I take vitamins. I get a variety of food. I get my protein. Carbs. the usual....Im under a lot of stress but I dont think its drastic enough to cause this amount of exhaustion, almost every day. I think its something medical going on, but again, I can't prove anything and I hate going to the doctor's to complain about something when I just sound like another hypochondriac basket case.

But anyway, I came to an epiphany today. Actually, it was last night. I was thinking- wow- This nursing program is really, really hard. And its not just me that thinks so. Everyone thinks its hard. We are all complaining. We are all really stressed. We are all under a lot of pressure. We all have papers due, midterms, presentations up to the wazoo....often due at the same time. Its unfair, when you think about it at first. However, I sat back in a daze and really thought about it. All the nursing programs that I have heard of are hard. Its not just us. Associate degree programs are hard. Other BSN programs are hard. I'm pretty sure its probably national.

But I think....just maybe...this is a good thing. These programs shouldn't be training & teaching nurses by holding their hand and making everything as easy as pie while we are in school. Because, guess what? I don't care if you are a nurse for cute little whateverbeans, our jobs aren't going to be like that. Nothing will be easy. We will have multiple things on our immediate to-do list at all times, just like now. As much of a hellhole the last 3 years have remotely been, In the end, I'm glad for the experience. I'm glad we have been scared shitless and stressed to no end, because its practice.

Would you want a nurse that hasn't been through a really hard program? Probably not, right?

Its funny because while I was still in high school, I was one of the stupid little naive girls that I hate now. Before I decided to go to community college- I had entertained the idea of coming straight to my college I'm at now right away- If I could have even gotten in, that is. Someone older that I had been talking to had warned me that this college's Nursing program was very, very, very hard. I thought to myself.......yeah, right. I'm pretty smart. I work hard. How hard could it possibly be? If I work really hard, I'll be fine.

Well, whoever that person was, they were right. But I'm glad. Thats all =]

Now, If I could just get some work done before I fall asleep again....That would be so fantastic. Big week ahead....(what else is new).


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