"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"

Sunday, January 23, 2011

It's Just in my Genetic Code

I'm the type of person that wants to help you out by paying off your debt when we play monopoly or by giving you a couple extra hundred when you run to the bathroom because I don't want to see you be sad.

I'm the kind of person that doesn't want to win if it means you losing by a landslide. I'll throw the game and let you win.

I'm the kind of person that would give you $10,000 dollars if it meant you could do something to make you extremely or even remotely happy. (if I had $10,000, that is).

I'm the kind of person that will always put your happiness first because I'm pretty excellent at fixing my own heartbreak- but I worry about you.

Sometimes I wish I knew how to be mean. I wish I knew how to just explode and put people in their place that really deserve it. To yell and scream and say really powerful words and walk away forever.

Sometimes I wish I knew how to call someone out on something they are doing or saying wrong. If it is to protect someone else, I will speak up. But if it's to protect me, I let it go. I don't speak up for myself.

I know how to make it on my own- how to bury...or... Drop the pain and move on. Because I'll be okay. I just worry about everyone else.

I wish I could re-wire myself and fix my genetic code. I like caring for everyone- even the immature, ignorant and inconsiderate people. I want everyone o be happy. To be okay. To be loved. To believe in their self. I guess that's why I'm going to be a nurse. Nurses take oaths to care for everyone, regardless of their race, values, beliefs, or previous actions. Regardless of their choices. Regardless if they are a prisoner, a rapist, pro-abortion, pro-life, a molester, or simply someone that eats at mcdonalds. Nurses care for everyone equally the same. I know I can do that. I've already demonstrated in life that I can put my own values and beliefs aside and care for anyone.

But it can be exhausting.

I don't think I've ever been seriously confronted. I don't think anyone has ever been that mad at me. I've gotten in small fights with people (outside of family and relationships) and when someone is mad at me I do everything I can to fix it. Unless I really, really, really believe that I am right and should not budge. In that case I'll let you be mad but I won't confront you. I won't call you out on your absurd behavior but I will avoid you. When I see you, I will be polite, considerate and nice to you.

I just wish...that I could sway in the other direction, at times, and other people could sway in my direction sometimes and be a little more thoughtful and considerate.

Maybe writing this blog is my way of being confrontational? Who the hell knows. I don't.


Related Posts:

Refreshing Change of Scenery

I Just Wish

Sometimes It's Not Enough


Anonymous said...

you have class, that's all.

A Writer in a Nurse's Body said...

thank you, kind reader. Much appreciated.:)