Sunday, January 23, 2011
It's Just in my Genetic Code
I'm the kind of person that doesn't want to win if it means you losing by a landslide. I'll throw the game and let you win.
I'm the kind of person that would give you $10,000 dollars if it meant you could do something to make you extremely or even remotely happy. (if I had $10,000, that is).
I'm the kind of person that will always put your happiness first because I'm pretty excellent at fixing my own heartbreak- but I worry about you.
Sometimes I wish I knew how to be mean. I wish I knew how to just explode and put people in their place that really deserve it. To yell and scream and say really powerful words and walk away forever.
Sometimes I wish I knew how to call someone out on something they are doing or saying wrong. If it is to protect someone else, I will speak up. But if it's to protect me, I let it go. I don't speak up for myself.
I know how to make it on my own- how to bury...or... Drop the pain and move on. Because I'll be okay. I just worry about everyone else.
I wish I could re-wire myself and fix my genetic code. I like caring for everyone- even the immature, ignorant and inconsiderate people. I want everyone o be happy. To be okay. To be loved. To believe in their self. I guess that's why I'm going to be a nurse. Nurses take oaths to care for everyone, regardless of their race, values, beliefs, or previous actions. Regardless of their choices. Regardless if they are a prisoner, a rapist, pro-abortion, pro-life, a molester, or simply someone that eats at mcdonalds. Nurses care for everyone equally the same. I know I can do that. I've already demonstrated in life that I can put my own values and beliefs aside and care for anyone.
But it can be exhausting.
I don't think I've ever been seriously confronted. I don't think anyone has ever been that mad at me. I've gotten in small fights with people (outside of family and relationships) and when someone is mad at me I do everything I can to fix it. Unless I really, really, really believe that I am right and should not budge. In that case I'll let you be mad but I won't confront you. I won't call you out on your absurd behavior but I will avoid you. When I see you, I will be polite, considerate and nice to you.
I just wish...that I could sway in the other direction, at times, and other people could sway in my direction sometimes and be a little more thoughtful and considerate.
Maybe writing this blog is my way of being confrontational? Who the hell knows. I don't.
Refreshing Change of Scenery
I Just Wish
Sometimes It's Not Enough