"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"

Monday, January 17, 2011

Sometimes It's Not Enough

Today, was one of those days.

A couple of days ago, weeks ago? Maybe...something ago, I wrote a post about time management in nursing and how all you have to do is prioritize and everything will be okay and you are only one person, and can only do so much, and to just do your best.....

Well, that works 98% of the time.

The other 2%, were days like today. When "time management" and "prioritization" goes out the window. When you hold your tongue from spitting out "F**K" and a lot of other words and when you accidentally did say it once in front of a patient but then remembered the patient was deaf and you were probably ok....Days like today when top prioritization doesn't work because everything is top priority. There are literally five emergencies going on at once. Choose which one to attend to.

Underneath all the emergencies, that are continually happening repeatedly over and over, you have your normal work to do, vitals, blood sugars, etc. Then, mini-emergencies come about when you finally get to blood sugars an hour and a half late, and a patient is 64 or 499 (I had both. Today).

I don't know what else to say. Today was one of those days. It was my last "Normal" day of working I guess I was delusional thinking that it would be a good day.

It was just one of those days. Nothing you do is enough and there are people that still need help at the end of the day. No one else can help you because everyone else is in over their heads too and the best we can do is try and help each other when we can.

The best thing you can do, on days like today, is to screw the top prioritization (only on the 2% days) and just....make shortcuts, do the best you can, make sure people are safe above all else, even if that means you have to cut the "therapeutic communication" short, and run out of the room to go be with another patient. Sometimes you have to fall short in the caring department if it means you are busy keeping 30 other patients safe and happy enough that they don't call the cops, or the nursing supervisor or something fun like that. And then, when things calm down, make up for the caring-lack of.

There will always be days like this. I like the adrenaline, I do. But, I don't like knowing that when I'm busy with one patient, that I can hear other bed alarms going off and other people are unsafe and sometimes no matter how hard you try, it won't be enough.

A rubber band only stretches so far until it breaks.

I really have to work on my patience, and my temper. Luckily (I dont think) I made this noticeable to anyone today but it boils up inside me and that is not good. I have to work on my cool-factor when things get really hot.

I think most of it stems from my ADHD, not the emergencies. Those I can handle, those I like.  However, I get boiled up when a person calls for the fourteenth time ( I actually counted, I kid you not) for the bedpan. I hate repetition. I can't stand doing things more than twice, especially doing it the exact same way. Who needs to pee 14 times in 8 hours? And that was only one patient. I repeated a lot of other things with other patients and it irks me. Maybe I need to think about this. Maybe I need to go into a type of nursing where it is all emergencies, and not so much bedpans...Or maybe I should target a younger population (I like that idea). Or maybe its because I put all my caring and compassion into everything I do for the patient the first time they use the bedpan, and by the 4th or 5th time, I am tired of putting every ounce of compassion and caring into every bedpan trip. I don't know. I don't like to say that. But it's true, I guess.

. Tomorrow will be better. I start school Tuesday. Which I am scared about.

Community Health. Blech.


No comments: