I need to be there. I need to go to England. I need this more than anything in the world.
If I can go, my life, as of right now, would feel complete.
The last couple days I have felt so at peace with myself. OK, thats a lie. Ever since last night at precisely 4:20, after I finished the long day from hell. I had one more thing to study for, which was this morning, but instead I came home, and read a book. It felt really good. I didn't study. But turns out, I didn't need to, because I knew a lot more than I thought, which felt really good this morning.
So then I decided to go home (to B&N)... but I was like...wait, I can't go. What am I going to study? Everything is done for right now. And then I was all like...dude, seriously? Is this what your life has come to? So then I remembered that normal people actually go to B&N to...look at books....and read them...so, I did just that. I sat on a comfy chair for three hours with my two tea refills and read about 40 pages of this nurse-type book (It was a leisure fun one though! I guess I can't stay away..) and then I went to go see a movie (Morning Glory-Awesome movie!) and then I walked around the mall and looked at all the christmas decorations (very relaxing)...and then tried again for B&N and this time read a book totally not-about nursing. So I bought that one and am actually going to finish it.
Woo! Fun day. Relaxing times a bajillion. Definitely soul-replenishing. Oh and then tonight I saw "Eat, Pray, Love" because I've always wanted to see that and never got to in theaters...and it was playing at my school, so, yeah. That was definitely a movie I can relate to right now....
Oh, and I went shopping and I bought this adorable hat. The hat makes me happy. I like it a lot. :)
I think in order to be happy with someone else, whether it be a best friend, a new friend...or a relationship; you have to know how to be happy completely by yourself first. No, I did not just learn that from Eat, Pray, Love. I learned that on my own, over the last couple months.
I lost myself because of this nursing program. I put my happiness on the back-burner, in order to succeed. I kept a small part of me, for the whole three years, but most of it got tucked away. I knew where I was, I just didn't have the energy or motivation to bring that portion of me out in addition to passing all my classes. It just wasn't needed. And by losing "me", I mean artsy me...the inspirational me. The writer in me. The girl who clipped out pictures and articles from the paper and made a collage on her wall...who wrote a poem every day, who painted and drew all the time...who carried her camera everywhere..who used every person she came across as a stepping stone, as a character for a story or novel. Happiness.. And I think, just maybe, that It is all starting to magically come back. I don't know why, or how...but it's coming back, little by little, but very strong. It makes me feel so...happy. I wish I even knew how to explain how it really feels..just good. :)
I hope it lasts. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells because I don't want to do anything that will make it all go away again. But i'm trying to just not think about it. Stop thinking. And just go with it. Just be happy.
With love,
A Writer in a Nurse's Body
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