"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Readers Beware: Part 2!

So, I am one step closer getting my soul into London! I found a great program that takes college students 18-26 pretty much anywhere they want to go...there are pre-arranged trips and you just pay and hop on, pretty much. I just have to get over the money factor, and I'm there.

I need to be there. I need to go to England. I need this more than anything in the world.

If I can go, my life, as of right now, would feel complete.


The last couple days I have felt so at peace with myself. OK, thats a lie. Ever since last night at precisely 4:20, after I finished the long day from hell. I had one more thing to study for, which was this morning, but instead I came home, and read a book. It felt really good. I didn't study. But turns out, I didn't need to, because I knew a lot more than I thought, which felt really good this morning.

So then I decided to go home (to B&N)... but I was like...wait, I can't go. What am I going to study? Everything is done for right now. And then I was all like...dude, seriously? Is this what your life has come to? So then I remembered that normal people actually go to B&N to...look at books....and read them...so, I did just that. I sat on a comfy chair for three hours with my two tea refills and read about 40 pages of this nurse-type book (It was a leisure fun one though! I guess I can't stay away..) and then I went to go see a movie (Morning Glory-Awesome movie!) and then I walked around the mall and looked at all the christmas decorations (very relaxing)...and then tried again for B&N and this time read a book totally not-about nursing. So I bought that one and am actually going to finish it.

Woo! Fun day. Relaxing times a bajillion. Definitely soul-replenishing. Oh and then tonight I saw "Eat, Pray, Love" because I've always wanted to see that and never got to in theaters...and it was playing at my school, so, yeah. That was definitely a movie I can relate to right now....

Oh, and I went shopping and I bought this adorable hat. The hat makes me happy. I like it a lot. :)

I think in order to be happy with someone else, whether it be a best friend, a new friend...or a relationship; you have to know how to be happy completely by yourself first. No, I did not just learn that from Eat, Pray, Love. I learned that on my own, over the last couple months.

I lost myself because of this nursing program. I put my happiness on the back-burner, in order to succeed. I kept a small part of me, for the whole three years, but most of it got tucked away. I knew where I was, I just didn't have the energy or motivation to bring that portion of me out in addition to passing all my classes. It just wasn't needed. And by losing "me", I mean artsy me...the inspirational me. The writer in me. The girl who clipped out pictures and articles from the paper and made a collage on her wall...who wrote a poem every day, who painted and drew all the time...who carried her camera everywhere..who used every person she came across as a stepping stone, as a character for a story or novel. Happiness.. And I think, just maybe, that It is all starting to magically come back. I don't know why, or how...but it's coming back, little by little, but very strong. It makes me feel so...happy. I wish I even knew how to explain how it really feels..just good. :)

I hope it lasts. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells because I don't want to do anything that will make it all go away again. But i'm trying to just not think about it. Stop thinking. And just go with it. Just be happy.

With love,
A Writer in a Nurse's Body

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