"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"
Friday, December 31, 2010
THIS Year's Resolution's
1) I want to learn. I feel like such a dumbass either when I'm talking to smart people or when I'm trying to do something by myself (usually something simple) and I realize that I am not capable of living on this earth and cannot do anything. The other night I went out with a good friend who got a degree in political science. So we talked a lot about politics.
I had no idea what he was saying.
And that seriously bothers me! I want to know, I want to be able to talk about the Health Care Reform. See, I don't even know if that should be capitalized or not! I only JUST learned LAST YEAR that you put TWO spaces after every period when writing a paper. WTF?
Anyway, its not just politics. I know nothing about religion. I want to know, though. But every time I try and read bible stories or pay attention in church, I get extremely lost and give up and start thinking about fun colors and songs in my head. Yesterday when I was babysitting, I was cleaning up their house toys and found this book that was "Bible stories: For Children" and I was like, oh, this is totally what I need. So in the middle of my child-watching duties, I was all like, hold up- I have to read this book and catch up. It had all the stories. But unfortunately, kids are crazy and get into everything and I could not keep reading, nor could I realistically steal it and take it home for later reading.
So, politics, religion...Shakespeare, literature, famous people...famous bands, famous movies....Stuff that people know. And thats just what people talk about. The other day I had to google whether or not I could use olive oil to make eggs because I couldn't find cooking spray. I also had to google how to use a real tea kettle and not a water boiler. Do not laugh. I am ashamed. Really. So it's stuff like that. Stupid stuff. Sometimes people ask me to do stuff, and I'm like....seriously? You're gonna have to show me how to do that.
THe funny thing is...this friend that I was with? The whole time (I found out later on in the night) he thought I was smart! HA! Just because I have a whopping 3.5 GPA (which isn't even that high in my nursing program), that makes me a genius, apparently. This friend complained that his GPA was in the 2.0's, I considered him smarter. Because he knew how to talk about things in this world...important things. All I know how to talk about is nursing stuff...and half the time I have no idea what I'm talking about with that, either. So its a lose-lose. :-(
So how do I accomplish this resolution? Well...I don't know. I plan to like....read the paper more. I guess. Because that has worldly important things in it, right? I'm already reading a lot of books...even though they are all nursing. So...I guess reading the paper is all I've got right now. And paying attention to smart people when they talk.
2) This is sort of a spin off of number one. I need to pay attention to people when they talk. I have ADHD (self-diagnosed) and when someone is talking and talking and talking, especially about a topic that I have no interest in, my ears literally shut off. Its like a defense mechanism gone haywire. It is really bad, because while the person is talking about something they deem really important, I am thinking about oompa loompas and prairie dogs and green things and how i should eat more vegetables and fruits and less carbs but then what kind of carbs? Why are carbs that bad, actually? Shit, do i have to babysit tomorrow? Crap. I totally forgot. what time was that? I should get a calendar. and stick to it. And -
"Julie? What do you think?"
and I'm all like FUDGESTICKS I HAVENT BEEN PAYING ATTENTION EVEN THOUGH I TRIED REALLY HARD."
Its really not something I'm proud of. Its really a problem. Especially when I'm supposed to be listening to something I know is super important. Like in clinical when my instructor was giving me a free pass and explaining to me before we went into the patient room how to hook a piggyback into a primary IV bag thats currently running, and I found my ears turned off. I got bits and pieces.
I guess when the topic doesnt interest me or doesnt make sense, I just stop listening. Solution? Listen to every single word and process what is happening. Get some ADHD medication. Either of those two would work out great.
Okay so as of now, those are my two resolutions. I plan to add on, maybe tonight or tomorrow or something...but thats all I thought of today. Those are two pretty big things to work on. We'll see how it goes. :)
So, I just had a depressing moment. I just voted on a poll on facebook that was all, 'do you think 2011 will be awesome??" and my immeditate reaction was YES! but then, my overthinking, overanalyzing self was like....well...actually, no. 2011 is the scary year. Hopefully, an amazing year, if it all works out nicely....but, nonetheless, a year about uncertainty, and graduating, and getting a JOB, and getting through the first couple months of that job...and liking it.....Scary :-\
So, my third and final resolution is this:
3) Have more confidence in myself. Just....go with the flow. Fate/Destiny has a plan. It will all be OK in the end...I just have to be the best that I can be...take care of myself, and have days to de-stress. It will all be OK. I hope by this time in 2012, I can look back on 2011 and say "awww, what the heck was I so worried for? 2011 was fantastic!!" My 20's are supposed to be the best years of my life. I hope nursing doesn't prevent that...:( *stress*