"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

You and Me

"Nothing Lasts Forever"- Maroon 5

It is so easy to see, dysfunction between you and me.
We must free up these tired souls, before the sadness kills us both.
I tried and tried to let you know, I love you but I'm letting go,
It may not last but I don't know, I Just don't know...
And If you don't know, then you can't care
You show up, but you're not there
But I'm waiting, and you want to,
So afraid that I will desert you.

Everyday, with every worthless word, we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay.
Nothing Lasts Forever but be honest babe,
It hurts but it may be the only way.

A bed thats warm with memories can heal us temporarily.
THe misbehaving only makes the ditch between us so damn deep.

I built a wall around my heart, never let it fall apart.
Strangely I wish secretly, it would fall down while I'm asleep...

Tough we have not yet hit the ground
But that doesnt mean were not still falling.
I want so bad to pick you up, but you're still too reluctant to accept my help
What a shame, I hope you find somewhere to place the blame..

Nothing Lasts forever but be honest babe, It hurts but it may be the only way.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010



Took a shower. Feel a little better emotionally. But still so tired. I'm making myself clean my room though. It *will* be clean before I go to bed.


Thats what I feel like. I am so tired. Something is happening to me. I'm not sure if its emotional, physical or both this time. But its definitely not good. I need....I dont know. Im just so tired. I wish sleep helped, but I tried that. Just makes me more tired. Some of it is emotional. I didnt have work today, I didnt have anywhere to be...I did get out of the house and went to lunch and read a pretty interesting book...and that was OK, I was fine. Then I came home, and thought that my Panera salad may have had a peanut in it (I'm allergic) because my throat felt like it was closing up (slowly). So I took 2 benadryl (sp?). I had also taken 2 excedrin for my headache about 90 minutes earlier, and my multivitamin 30 minutes prior. So, poor life choices, too many drugs at once...My body went into total malfunction mode. Benadryl does not normally affect me, I took 4 once for a bee sting and was wide awake. But today, between the feeling like i was going to vomit a days worth of food and feeling tired, I told my mom I was going to go nap. This was at...1. I slept til 5:30. I kept waking up intermittently, and just couldn't bring myself to get out of bed...Part of me was tired (physically), but half of it was also..I just didn't want to get up. I just didnt want to do anything. I couldnt bring myself to move. THat can't be from the freakin Benadryl. Eventually, I did talk myself into getting up...I told myself that I had to do the Elliptical, maybe go for a swim...eat something...(I do talk to myself-outloud- when no one is home-lol), so I got up, made myself some food but couldnt gather up enough energy to go on elliptical or swim. I just dont want to do anything. I told myself I could compromise with myself and instead of exercising, I'd come up and clean my room......and what am I doing instead? I walked in the room, and plopped on to the bed, and came on my blog. Oy. This happened the other day...I forget what day it was. Saturday I think? I had woken up, ate breakfast, felt fine, and then started feeling tired again, so went for a nap. Slept til 2, til I had to go to work. So tired. I just kept coming in and out of sleep and nightmares, and dreams, and couldnt pull myself out of bed. Its so unhealthy. Seriously. I had a dream that day (It was more like 50 dreams all strung together), that my friend tom had texted me during this zombie state I was in, and told me that enough was enough and that I had to stop with this depression and get out of the house. I listened to him (meanwhile- I thought this was real life- not a dream), so (in my dream), I got out of bed and met him at this theater, and there were all these people there. Suddenly we were seniors in high school again, and we were sitting in this theater, waiting to hear what parts we were going to be playing in the next school play. Tom then got this huge award for something, and I didnt get a part. and I remember standing against this wall, with all these people, and tom walked past me to get his award and didnt notice me standing there. In the same string of dreams that day, I was running in my development, and suddenly there was all this construction, it kept road-blocking me, and I had to keep making detours. If that isnt a subconcsious view of my life then I don't know what is. In the same string, I had this dream that I woke up from my zombie state and saw these pills at the bottom of my bed, and I read them and they said "sleeping pills", and I remembered thinking to myself "Oh, thats why Im so sleepy, I thought they were my vitamins"... I texted a lot of people in this dreamstate, all the while I thought it was all real. When I really woke up my phone was empty- no texts, it was all a dream... Who knows, maybe I'm still dreaming. How do we know? Wow, look at me going all Inception-y. Ahh great movie.

No but really even just as I'm typing this I am falling asleep. I friggen just slept 4+ hours! But all my muscles feel tired. My arms, they feel heavy and weak. Everything. Ive considered Iron deficiency...I wish I could test my own Iron, but I need a doctor order blood test to do that. I think thats the problem. or it could be anyway. I forgot to take my vitamin this morning, and yesterday morning, and forgot to take it saturday too. THe vitamin has Iron in it, and the week and a half that I was able to take it everyday without forgetting, I felt amazing. THis is how I felt when I was on the Prozac for the week and a half i was on it like 2 months ago. I stopped taking it because I felt like an exhausted Zombie.

On a good note, my headaches and stomachaches have been ASTOUNDINGLY better! I've been staying away from Dairy and tomato products (ketchup, pasta sauce, tomatos, etc.) which seem to attack my stomach, and Ive been taking a multivitamin for my head, and when I forget to take it, I get the headache back. Maybe I'm just totally deficient in all my vitamins and thats the answer to all my problems.

I'm going to go try taking a shower so that *maybe* I can pull off staying up til 11. Woah there, lets dream big.

And maybe clean my room, like I was supposed to.

tomorrow will be the same. Nothing to do....Just a "relax" day. THats the problem. Nothing to do...but I DO have things to do...get ready for school, homework, I could paint, I could read, go swimming, elliptical, write, b &N, ANYTHING! I just have to make a gate around my bed and all couches and not let myself SLEEP. Its a no win, because If i had filled up tuesdays and wednesdays with something to do (work of some kind), i would have been miserable because then I get no-time off, no relax Julie time....and I despise my job, so I dont want to be there either. But at least it keeps me going, keeps me awake and moving, focused on other people other than myself.

OK, shower time. I hope. SHowers usually help.

I have so much more to say. Maybe I'll make another long post tonight or tomorrow lol. Can i just keep typing?

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Fear is only how you look at it

GeoTagged, [N35.60917, E77.35673]

The other day, I came to a rather interesting epiphany in terms my intense fear of the ocean. It all started when I was listening to "part of your world" from The Little Mermaid (don't be a hater-it's my favorite Disney show!) and I'm thinking, damn wouldn't it be awesome to be a mermaid? Lol not because it's a fictional creation, but she gets to swim all day in the ocean, go anywhere, do anything. I love the feeling of swimming, the feeling of your hair in the water... I love fish too. And then as I'm thinking about this I'm like hey, stupid, aren't I terrified of the ocean? Duh, yes. I scream when I have to go in til knee deep. So then how did I catch myself dreaming about the life in the ocean? Wayyy past knee deep? I have a couple theories.

My first is that it is all how you look at a fear. Isn't it fascinating? Think of what you are afraid of. Some people are terrified of bridges, but are you still scared If you had to drive on the same bridge, but it wasn't high up anymore? Some people are afraid of the height aspect of it, some are afraid of the engineering aspect of it, afraid it will crumble. What would it take, to get past that? I didn't think anything could get me past my fear of the ocean. Until I caught myself dreaming about it. Then I wanted to think about what it was exactly that scared me about the ocean and I can come up with one word: The Unknown. The unknown about what's around you, what creatures, what ledges that will suddenly drop off and you're SOL? Sharks? Where are they? Unknown that you could be swept away by the cruel waves... Swept out to sea without mercy... The funny thing is that I'm in LOVE with the beach, with the sand, laying out in the sand, listening to the waves... It is truly one of my favorite things to do. Funny how things work. My other theory was that maybe , my inner dreaming about being alone, swimming all day in the ocean, was a subconcsious plea that I want to escape the life I'm in? That I'm in search for another world, somewhere else that doesn't have nursing, no money, no overwhelming choices that are haunting me about my near future... (I'm getting more and more anxiety about what's coming- day by day- it's getting annoyingly closer :( )

My other theory is that the ocean can be seen in two ways: a monster or a gorgeous friend. I choose to see it as a monster, but I can understand why other people see it differently, for it's beauty. I would love to not be afraid and just have that be my home, a place of endless journeys and opportunities.. I guess I'm just jealous of Ariel lol. I'm laughing at myself typing this because I'm describing not what the ocean is, but whAt our earth is. I have endless possibilities ahead of me, I have choices, I have endless journeys too... I just have to start making them and that scares me. A lot.

I attached a photo because it's one of my favorite pieces of artwork I have done, and it matches the tone of this blog :)

Monday, July 19, 2010


UGH I just wrote a whole blog, and my internet crashed. Thank you.

the most important point of the blog:

Music helps all. Music is my cure. Writing is my cure. Music heals.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

There are No words...

...to describe the pain. Of a migraine. I have woken up with a migraine every day for the past week, gone to bed with it, slept all night with it. I have had an ice pack on my hand on my head intermittently for the past week, straight through. I have had periods of headache-free, when the excedrin is strong enough to break through for temporary relief. A migraine makes you not care. Not care about anything--except making the pain stop. It makes you want to slam your head against the wall--because hey, could the pain get any worse? Slamming your head might slam the pain out, maybe. THats how it feels. It hurts to lie down, it hurts to open your eyes. It hurts to think. It hurts to do anything. It hurts to be. You have no idea. I have had one the past week--though a lot of people wouldnt know. Some people can tell- matthew, my mom, sometimes my sister/dad...But usually, I am so used to the type of pain that I have almost become used to it.. I can trudge through it. If it is anything under an 8/10 (pain scale), I can usually hide it. Normally I wouldn't bother hiding it, but when I have a headache 24/7, all day everyday, I can't sit in bed or the couch all day with an ice pack, I have to mask the pain, go through it. I have to get up, make food, go to work, do things with matt, drive, do whatever. What other choice do I have? However, I do have the more than occaisonal over an 8/10, and it does stop me in my tracks. Then, there is literally nothing I can do. I ask for help, though my loved ones around me are so tired of helping me when I get like this that its usually a lost cause asking for help anymore, and I do not blame them. Its one thing to help me when it happens once a month, or once every so often...but 2-3 times a week? I don't blame them... I just wish they could understand. Know that Im not making this up. Im not milking anything to get a "sick day". I wish I could just show this pain to someone, make them feel it just for a second just so they know...even though I couldnt wish this on anyone. I have had to cancel out of work so many times for headaches, cancel dates with friends, disappoint matthew too many times...Migraines make me afraid to live my life. I get anxiety that on a day I need to not have a headache, I get anxiety that I will get one, and then I get one. I sometimes dream about the things I would do with my life, if I could be sure I wouldnt get a headache. I would join the army nurses...I would do Habitat for Humanity (which I am anyway), I would....join a team...I would just do things without being afraid. I would go to Europe. By myself. I've been to doctors. No one knows. I have tried to diagnose this on my own. But no one knows. I dont know anymore.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Not Sure where to start..

I am stuck. I am alone...emotionally. I feel as if I am constantly looking for something more--something just out of reach. I am not happy, though it looks as if I should be. I shouldnt even say anything more, as much as I wish I could just type and type and type about everything. But I would dig myself quite the hole. I can't afford to be digging holes.

I watched a movie tonight with my sister. This scene happened, it was supposed to be mildly funny and for some reason i found it hilarious and I could not stop laughing. No not even laughing, It was the type where you are hunched over and your stomach hurts and you are crying and cannot move because you are laughing so hard. It wasnt even that funny, trust me, and I knew that. It just felt so good to laugh...I haven't laughed in so long....Like, really laughed. I miss that. Things could be terrible but when you have a laugh like that, everything is better for just that minute. Imagine if they could put that in a bottle.

I feel like I'm on everyone's bad side-- as if I have managed to piss everyone I know off--without doing anything. Just in the wrong places, wrong times. I feel like I no longer have any good attributes. I have a boyfriend that expends energy on picking out my faults and making fun of them, or expanding them more or just making me feel awful about it...I do everything I can to make his life better and it gets me no where. Its not that Im mad at him for it--how strange is that? I'm too...numb.? to even care...and everyone bugs me about it, but what do i care? I always am hoping it will get better if im just nicer...i sound like a freak. I'm honestly not sure if he could pick any good quality about me, and talent, and feature, any piece of my personality. I just want to be liked, loved I guess...Why is that so much to ask from a long term relationship?
We are just so different. Neither of us are bad people. Just so different. We always have been... I just dont know what to do anymore.