Thankity Thanks Thanksgivingsly Thankful

Hey everyone! So although I don't get to post much, it wouldn't be thanksgiving without my annual thanksgiving post. It has after all been....four years?

So my personal tradition annually is to list things I am thankful for each year. Just like my traditional new years resolutions, I don't really do it for others to see, more so for myself to see each year and watch myself grow.

What am I thankful this year? Where do I start?

I am so thankful to have had a very successful first year in my first house! No disasters, no fires, nothing bad so far. Just a couple ghost sightings (friendly!) and lots and lots of house improvements!

 I am thankful for having a big-girl job that pays me well enough to be able to afford all of these amazing improvements to my little humble house. Every day I thank my lucky stars that I am decently comfortable.

On that note I am also extremely thankful for a job that although comes with some drawbacks, I am so blessed to be able to have the schedule I do and go into work every weekend and see what I can truly call some pretty awesome friends. My weekend co-workers and I are a true team, we help each other out and don't let anyone drown and that truly makes the difference in hospital nursing, when someone has your back.

I am thankful for my family, all healthy, all loving! My father is absolutely the most helpful father I could ever ask for when it comes to starting up a first year house with lots of necessary home improvements! And my mom is certainly helpful when it comes to critiquing home improvements and help decide on future renovations!

I'm thankful for my healthy grandma that finally got to see my house just a week ago! Although facing severe macular degeneration and hip pains, she strives every day to enjoy life and enjoy time with family.

I am thankful for what is now my year and 3 month boyfriend, Brian.  He teaches me and motivates me every day on how to be a better person. He also keeps my house looking amazing and helps with a lot of improvements as well! What more could I ask for?

I'm thankful for my sister, we've been getting to know each other on a more adult-personal level and turns out she's a pretty cool cat, a lot cooler than when we were 5 ;) I think I'll keep her around.

Speaking of cats, I am thankful for my two most adorable kittens in the world, Ms. Lilly and Belle. Although they at times torment my house and my sleep schedule, they make me laugh every single day and are always there to greet me when I come in the door and always know when I need a hug and some love. And they are cuddly :-)

I am thankful for my own kind heart. I've been facing a lot of adversity lately. I've been feeling slightly jaded as a nurse and I hate that, and I've been going through a lot of self reflection lately. And although many in the world believe the only way to survive is to only think and fight for yourself only, I strive to believe that is not the only way. Through all this self reflection and taking a step back to look at myself, I've noticed the things I do that I consider to be very kind, and I do it out of pure reflex, or instinct. I don't do them for any monetary or personal enrichment. I just help people because that's what needs to be done. I'm trying to spread this attitude and I want others to see that if we just sprout more and more kind hearts, that maybe we can overcome the evil in the world. SO many kind hearted people out there are masked with evil actions because they feel that the only way to beat evil is to be evil themselves. I'm thankful for my acceptance that for at least the time being, I refuse to screw someone else over in any way just for my own benefit.

I'm thankful for my new side job, with Premier Designs Jewelry! Although I never would have guessed I'd be an independent business owner for jewelry (I used to hate jewelry), it has truly been a wonderful and interesting experience, and certainly worth my time!

I'm thankful for my vision, as I've seen what my grandma is going through and it makes me so, so thankful for my own. I do wear glasses and my vision is awful without them, but at least I have no tunnel vision or black spots, I have full range of vision and for that I am thankful. Without my vision I couldn't do three of the things I am most thankful for, art, writing, and reading.

I am thankful for my hearing, for without it I would not have music. Music is my therapy, the only way I know how to calm down and focus. Music Is there for me when I've had a nursing shift from hell, music is there for me when I want to just be calm, be by myself and create art. Music is always there for me and it is my love. Music can do so much more for me than any person.

I am thankful for my studio. Although I haven't had time to be a writer this year, I am thankful for my new space that is just for my studio and I have since created multiple pieces of art that I love. I am thankful for that space.

And most of all, I am thankful for this blog! Woot! I have readers from all over the world and over 50,000 views and you guys are seriously awesome for reading what I just think is my regular thoughts every day.


That's all folks,
love you, all. Miss you, all. I'll write soon. :-)




<3 p="" wnb.="">



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Appreciating the Moments

Wow...So I don't even know where to start. I know I haven't written in awhile and that bothers me, in more ways than one. I haven't written on here in awhile and I haven't written written, like on my novel and that makes me sad. I remember awhile ago (like in the summer maybe?) I remember saying how busy I was, and I couldn't wait for the fall when things would calm down some....well, things are busier than ever and life is moving faster than I can even watch it.

This is going to be a long blog, I think. So 1) I apologize, and 2) like I always say, go get some popcorn and make yourself comfortable.


Let's start with life updates and then I'll focus on the title of this blog. Maybe they will relate to each other, maybe not. Then again I'm running on 5 hours of sleep right now and earlier tonight I was thinking maybe I was having a stroke because I was delusional and words were coming out of my mouth before I could catch them. I do that a lot when I'm really tired. Its remarkable how much the brain changes on a lack of sleep, and quite scary come to think of it, considering I'm a nightshift nurse. Hmm....

Anyway, life updates. So I'm buying a house! I know, crazy, right? It's absolutely insane. I'm 24 and if you told me when I was 14 "In ten years you're going to be a successful college graduate with a good job and buying a house by yourself", I can guarantee I would have laughed at you. And then probably would have gone to burger king or written some teenagery post on my xanga.

But yeah! Everything in my life so far has been.....like right place/right time kinda thing. Everything bad thats happened to me has opened up a brighter door, even if that door didn't open for a long time. So this sort of falls under the same circumstances. The entire situation started from something I didn't know how I was going to get through, to now I'm buying a house because of it. The same push that knocked me down to the ground is the exact same push that gave me the courage to actually get a realtor and now I'm closing on a house. I honestly didn't think I'd be buying a house until I was in my forties. I thought thats how it worked. I guess I'm still a kid because I don't consider myself an adult that can buy a house. Ah!

So thats my big update. It's amazing and all but holey moley crapbeans, buying a house is stressful. I'm probably an idiot for buying a house and starting a new job all in the time span of about 3 months. Smart, I know.


As for the new job....thats been....interesting. Like my old job, there's been some shifts where I leave and I'm like "I know I chose the right profession". It's those shifts where you do everything right, go above and beyond  and feel awesome about it, your patients tell you they love you, you help your coworkers, your boss is like "Yeah good job!" and everything is just awesome. And maybe throw in a really nursy emotional moment you have with a little old lady or something and its icing on the cake.

But then there are those shifts where you SERIOUSLY question why you ever would have wanted to not only put yourself through four years of tormenting nursing school just to deal with crabbypants doctors, deal with patients (or family members) that call the police because they pooped in their bed and couldn't find their call bell (that happened), or tell you you just aren't good enough despite doing the best you can, having 7 patients every night, dealing with a lot of WTF is going on situations, etc. And there's been more of those shifts than the good ones lately. And like the typical human condition, we always remember the bad memories which totally override any good memories.

I've been realizing lately that I have some serious issues I need to get over, and STAT. I am a perfectionist when it comes to my job. I care about my job. I care about my patients, deeply. I'm a hypochondriac with my own body and this translates to extreme anxiety when it comes to my patients. They complain of new pain and I'm automatically thinking OMG they're gonna end up in the OR by the end of the night. Thank goodness after a 1.5 years of being an RN, I'm finally beginning to know the differences between serious symptoms and symptoms that may appear to be serious but aren't. But back to my serious flaws, I am the type of nurse where I hate leaving shit behind for other nurses, I hateeeeeee giving medications late or letting a patient down when I said I'd be there at a certain time but end up not being able to. I hate when the computer yells at me for giving something late and it's all like "WHY ARE YOU GIVING THIS LATE?" and there's no option to write in, "because my other patient couldn't breathe and I was swallowed in another room and I HAD MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO". It sucks. So I try and finish everything and be everywhere at once and solve every problem. I don't ask and I hate asking when I have to, for help. I hate admitting weaknessess in myself and asking for help. I try and do everything on my own and its going to be the end of me one day.

I also have a problem with appreciating the good times, hence my blog title. I always thought that I related to President Obama in a way that I heard once from someone that he finds it hard to feel extreme emotions. He's always calm and cool, he's neutral. He doesn't feel extreme sadness, anger, but also doesn't feel extreme happiness either. And that's how I am and I hate that. Hate it.

I cannot tell you how many times I've been in the middle of a shift, and thought;
"man I cannot wait to be in my bed later, it is gonna be so amazing" or
"I can't wait to blast my favorite song on the way home and wind down from all this" or
I see a patients tv and its a good show and my patient is enjoying it and I'm just like, "how much do I seriously want to be at home just chilling watching tv? THe next time I chill and watch tv, I'm gonna think of how lucky I am."   But then.....when I finally get to my bed, when I'm finally done with my shift and blasting my music on the way home, when I'm finally just chillin watching tv, I don't think of how much better it is, because I carry home the sorrow and anxiety from my job. I drive home like a super zombie, my mind reeling from what I did wrong or right at work. When I watch tv, I just get lost in the show and watch it like a zombie. When I have a day off, I let myself get stressed of the shit-ton amount of things I have to do that day, that I don't even enjoy it, because hey- I'm not at work at least. So I have to work on that this year coming.

I started noticing this in myself when I first saw a baby being born. This was a moment I dreamed about for a long time, one of the BIGGEST reasons I went into nursing in the FIRST place. All I wanted was to see a baby be born. But about 3 years ago when I finally got the opportunity, it was happening right in front of me- I was all decked out in the scrubby gear, I saw the whole thing happening and I just stood there watching. There was no euphoric moment in my head. Sure It was a lovely thing happening, but in my mind I wasn't freaking out like "Oh my god this is actually happening".  Nope.

Ever since then I've noticed this a lot on multiple examples.

The only way I can seem to find enlightenment or euphoria, is when I surprise myself. It can't be something I've been looking forward to. It has to be something I decide to do last minute, something that surprises myself and everyone else. It usually involves a journey of some kind, like when I was driving home from Long Island one time and just decided (literally last minute before the exit) to just go to the beach. Being on the beach that day by myself, walking along the ocean waters, one of my most enlightened moments ever.

I'm not perfect, I get that so much. But I try so hard. Too hard, And I have to learn to let that go. Because humans aren't perfect. But somehow I've got it stuck in my head that I have to surpass normal humanity and be a superwoman.

Which is funny, I actually just giggled to myself just then, (that could be because I'm really tired), because if you saw my room right now you would NEVER EVER peg me for a perfectionist. My room is literally not sustainable to most forms of human life except me. I would normally try and blame it on the fact that I'm back in my parents house while I wait to close on the new house, and all of my belongings are shoved into this little room with me along with the stuff my parents moved into here as an extra storage room since I moved into my own apartment, BUT I really can't because my rooms normally a mess anyway. *deep breath that was a really long sentence*.

Back to the point, I'm a perfectionist when it comes to my performance, in all areas of my life. In my relationship. In my job. In my friendships. I always try and prove to the people that love me that I am a worthy friend, I am a good girlfriend (I usually fail miserably on my face on that one just ask my boyfriend), or I try and prove that I am a good nurse. I am usually very generous, and this past Christmas I could only get people very limited gifts because of money and that killed me. It seriously hurt my heart and I'm still feeling bad over it. My boyfriend hates how I can never remember stuff he told me already and I hate that I can't be perfect, the model girlfriend. In nursing there will always be moments where no matter how hard you try, something will always fall through the cracks. You give extra attention to one friend one day and then the next day another friend chews you out for not spending enough time with them.


I know I said above that I don't let myself feel extreme emotions usually. But there have been so many instances in the past month and a half where I felt like I was seriously in over my head and I was about to lose it. And I usually, usually can contain myself, keep my cool even if my plate is overfull, but its when something really small goes wrong on top of everything else is what tips over the edge.



*sigh* . Sorry for the sad ish post. It wasn't all sad, was it? OK yeah it mostly was. Sorry. I say sorry way too much too. I have to work on that as well.

Don't get me wrong, I have an amazing life. Like I said, everything in my life has happened for a reason. I have a great job, good pay that's stable, I am like 92% healthy (lol), I have the most amazing boyfriend that makes me so happy, I have the most supporting, nurturing nuclear and extended family, I have some of the best friends a girl could ever ask for. I have a good life.

I just saw the movie "This is 40" tonight, and despite its comedic nature, it really hit on a serious topic. Or maybe I just thought too much into it. It showed really well that everyone is under their own ridiculous amounts of stress, and we all try and hide it, we are all about to blow up but we all try and keep our cool. No one knows what another person is struggling with, and we all try and put so much crap for other people to deal with, not realizing how much they already have to deal with. People accuse others of "not understanding" or "you don't know what its like!" or "you do nothing all day" but they really could be struggling with anything, you just don't know it. So have patience with everyone. Be nice to everyone. Try and see the best in people, I try to (Sometimes its hard, I know). Trust people even when you know you shouldn't. Have a little faith and go with it.


So I'm going to leave with you with one of the most famous and most helpful prayers that got me through one of the shittiest shifts last night (that ended in tears- there's real emotion for ya),

"God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

That prayer is perfect and applies to so many aspects of my life. Nursing, relationships, and just life.


If you've made it this far, you get.....a gummy worm..........ok well you would if I had some. It was really just the first yummy thing I thought of. But you get my love, that's for free. Gummy worms are expensive.


With so much love,


~ WNB


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Resolutions from 2011

Hey all! So, if any of you pay attention to whatever I write for new years resolutions, you should know that I annually dissect my past resolutions and make new ones, yes? Well, this year I have been astronomically busy (literally, like every second) up until the new year. I have also taken it upon myself to travel this new year holiday and am in Michigan (still am!) and therefore was travelling on lots of airplanes on the day I would normally have done this post. But alas, here it is, last years resolutions! Next post will feature next year's (2012!). Be excited. The Italicized paragraphs will be the actual made resolution, and the real writing is me talking....now. Got it? Okay.




1) I want to learn. I feel like such a dumbass either when I'm talking to smart people or when I'm trying to do something by myself (usually something simple) and I realize that I am not capable of living on this earth and cannot do anything. And that seriously bothers me! I want to know, I want to be able to talk about the Health Care Reform. See, I don't even know if that should be capitalized or not! I only JUST learned LAST YEAR that you put TWO spaces after every period when writing a paper. WTF? Anyway, its not just politics. I know nothing about religion. I want to know, though. But every time I try and read bible stories or pay attention in church, I get extremely lost and give up and start thinking about fun colors and songs in my head. Yesterday when I was babysitting, I was cleaning up their house toys and found this book that was "Bible stories: For Children" and I was like, oh, this is totally what I need. So in the middle of my child-watching duties, I was all like, hold up- I have to read this book and catch up. It had all the stories. But unfortunately, kids are crazy and get into everything and I could not keep reading, nor could I realistically steal it and take it home for later reading. So, politics, religion...Shakespeare, literature, famous people...famous bands, famous movies....Stuff that people know. And thats just what people talk about. The other day I had to google whether or not I could use olive oil to make eggs because I couldn't find cooking spray. I also had to google how to use a real tea kettle and not a water boiler. Do not laugh. I am ashamed. Really. So it's stuff like that. Stupid stuff. Sometimes people ask me to do stuff, and I'm like....seriously? You're gonna have to show me how to do that.So how do I accomplish this resolution? Well...I don't know. I plan to like....read the paper more. I guess. Because that has worldly important things in it, right? I'm already reading a lot of books...even though they are all nursing. So...I guess reading the paper is all I've got right now. And paying attention to smart people when they talk.

WOW. Long enough resolution paragraph?? Geesh. New Resolution: Make next years shorter!
But anyway, I did do well in this one, sort of. After I made this resolution, I did religiously read the paper (New York Times), almost every day, and I loved it. It really made me feel up to date on everything going on in the world,what people were talking about, etc. But at the time I was still in school, and nursing school...well you know, kicks your ass. So I to stop reading it everyday because it was seriously cutting into my study time. I instead switched to a book called "Smarter by Sunday", written by NYT writers, that you're supposed to read a chapter every weekend, and each weekend they teach you about something new in the world....music, politics, history, etc. This was an awesome book, but even that was cutting into my study time and I had to stop. Alas,  since then I have not picked up the book and have not bought the NYT, and this saddens me greatly.

Having moved into my own apartment, I no longer receive the daily local paper ( I actually DID read that daily over the summer). At work, each morning when I leave, I see all 6 of the local and national papers lined up and I glance at the headlines, saddenly (word?). I desperately want to read them all and know whats going on....but lately I've been doing nothing but work, breathe, eat, sleep, drink (water!), and...well, facebook. And postsecret on heavy occasion as well. :-) But you get the point. I've been busy.

However, I have been getting smarter nonetheless. Being on my own now has taught me so much. I am learning more and more about the world and how things work, just from day to day living. My nursing knowledge is increasing rapidly, as every patient teaches me something new. So, once the holiday season is over and things calm down again and I return to my home, I do plan to try and get back into the paper-reading thing, as I do miss it. Plus, I need coupons..... :-)

2) This is sort of a spin off of number one. I need to pay attention to people when they talk. I have ADHD (self-diagnosed) and when someone is talking and talking and talking, especially about a topic that I have no interest in, my ears literally shut off. Its like a defense mechanism gone haywire. It is really bad, because while the person is talking about something they deem really important, I am thinking about oompa loompas and prairie dogs and green things and how i should eat more vegetables and fruits and less carbs but then what kind of carbs? Why are carbs that bad, actually? Shit, do i have to babysit tomorrow? Crap. I totally forgot. what time was that? I should get a calendar. and stick to it. And -
"Julie? What do you think?"and I'm all like FUDGESTICKS I HAVENT BEEN PAYING ATTENTION EVEN THOUGH I TRIED REALLY HARD." I guess when the topic doesnt interest me or doesnt make sense, I just stop listening. Solution? Listen to every single word and process what is happening. Get some ADHD medication. Either of those two would work out great.


I have been doing a LOT better with the listening to people when they talk part. Being an actual RN now, It is my JOBBBBB to really listen to my patients. Everything they tell you is a vital, vital clue to their condition. Not only that but patients need to be heard. I've had patients literally tell me, "You know, I feel so much better talking to you. I feel like you are REALLY listening and not just nodding and smiling."  So, that makes me feel good. Since I have been improving that skill at work, it has also naturally transferred to my social life as well. I no longer drone out things that don't interest me from friends. Instead, I listen to everything they say because in reality, everyone is in your life to teach you something. So even if the topic is about Mango-fruit-rabbit ears or something off the top of my head like that, I try to listen because you never know, I could really need to know how to use a mango-fruit-rabbit ear one day.

As for the ADHD, not much improvement on this forefront. I don't like to resort to drugs, I don't. I'm pretty sure I've had the real ADHD since I was 6 years old, and I've survived, so why start now with the heavy drugs? As much as I know I need them...But I have tried Omega-3 gummies, which I guess are known to help improve concentration and focus in children with ADHD. I can't say for sure if they are actually doing anything, or if its just psychological, but I like to pretend that it helps.

The ADHD is tolerable when its just me,doing my thing, chillin mcgillin. Who cares if it takes me 43 hours to clean my room because I can't focus on one task at a time? Its my time and if I want to take 43 hours to organize a closet, then by golly I will. The problem however, is at work, and when I'm with my friends/dates. At work, nursing is NORMALLY hectic for any new starting nurse. But for an ADHD brain, my brain is presented with 14 tasks that need your attention and you have to prioritize quickly. You have to complete all these tasks quickly or delegate them to someone else. This can be hard when naturally, your brain has trouble finishing one task before starting another. So, Its definitely something I have to work on.



3) So, I just had a depressing moment. I just voted on a poll on facebook that was all, 'do you think 2011 will be awesome??" and my immediate reaction was YES! but then, my overthinking, over analyzing self was like....well...actually, no. 2011 is the scary year. Hopefully, an amazing year, if it all works out nicely....but, nonetheless, a year about uncertainty, and graduating, and getting a JOB, and getting through the first couple months of that job...and liking it.....Scary :-\
So I guess I just really need to have more confidence in myself. Just....go with the flow. Fate/Destiny has a plan. It will all be OK in the end...I just have to be the best that I can be...take care of myself, and have days to de-stress. It will all be OK. I hope by this time in 2012, I can look back on 2011 and say "awww, what the heck was I so worried for? 2011 was fantastic!!" My 20's are supposed to be the best years of my life. I hope nursing doesn't prevent that...:( *stress*

Okay. So. Where do I even begin on this one? You might want to get-the-popcorn-out on this one if you know what I'm saying. My brain has a lot of mixed feelings. First things first, 2011 was...............................VERY INTERESTING, to say the least. A lot of people I've talked to have  told me how much 2011 sucked for them. I....don't think it sucked, necessarily. It was a hard year, there is NO denying that. It was a sad, sad year, no denying that. But, It was also a very good year, in so many ways. Lets discuss the major points of this year, shall we? Hang in there with me, It will help me sort my own thoughts out.

• I graduated college! This is big time coolbean worthiness because there were SO many times I made a back up plan on what to do with my life because I was so certain I would fail out of the program. But, somehow, I made it through. I graduated college after 5 years of school, with a Bachelors of Science in Nursing. Woot!
• I also graduated a member of Sigma Theta Tau International, the nursing honor society. I also graduated with a special award for excellence in community health nursing, and a scholarship! All awesome accomplishments.
• I went to EUROPE! This was obviously something I've wanted to do since I was five years old, but never actually thought it was...possible. I came up with the idea in fall 2010 and didn't want to let go of it. And so I did it. Obviously, this was an extreme highlight of 2011.
• When I got back from Europe, I found out my maternal grandmother had passed away while I was overseas. This came as more of a shock than anything and I didn't even know how to begin...mourning away while I was overseas. This came as more of a shock than anything and I didn't even know how to begin...mourning. I was at an extreme...just, shock. And it took me a long time to come to terms with what happened and how I should react to it. This was obviously a low-light (opposite of high light?) of 2011. I miss her.
• Being that my grandmother passed away, this in turn created the opportunity for the entire maternal side of the family (we're a big group), to meet for her memorial service. Despite the dire unusual circumstance for gathering, I still consider this a huge highlight. It finally got 99% of our family together at once. We laughed together, we shared her memories, we hugged, we cried, we caught up...it was amazing.
• After my I got home from that reunion trip, I soon found out that one of my best friends at work was diagnosed with stage IV cancer....and all of us knew she wasn't going to make it. I lost her in the summer. That was really hard, being that It was so quick from diagnosis to death. She was always smiling when I saw her and she was my first friend at work. She meant a lot to me and it was a lot to lose her. It was a lot of all of us.
• In July sometime, I got the unique opportunity to practically do the whole disney world experience for nearly just $300! Sounds like a lot of $ if you haven't been to disney, but if you have, you know that this is an AWESOME total for flying, lodging, eating, park ticketing, etc. One of my great friends from high school is an official employee of disney and was able to let me and my other great friend from high school into the parks for free! You can't beat that. It was awesome, and I got to spend time with two friends I haven't been able to spend much time with in the past couple years.
• Soon after, I passed my NCLEX! This was......the ultimate high, as I literally really didn't think I would, especially on the first try. This was a huge highlight. This, ultimately opened up the rest of my nursing career.
• Soon after THAT, I was officially hired as an RN! I started in September, and obviously it has been a rollercoaster road ever since. This is huge for me as well because I was so scared for this stage in my life to happen. I didn't have any confidence in myself that I would ever be able to do it. I couldn't picture myself actually doing WELL in the field, in addition to not-killing patients. Yay! I am doing well! Huge highlight....so far.
• Soon after, in October, I moved out on my own with a roommate from college! This is AWESOME in so many aspects, and a huge highlight of my life. A huge step in the right direction for the rest of my life of inde-freaking-pendance! Yeah!
• After that, in November, I was officially elected to be a part of the nursing honor society convention. I got to go with my professor from school and do really important cool nursing things. Pretty awesome.
• In general, 2011 has been a remarkable interesting year for love. In this time span of one year, I have lost great love and gained great love. Thats all I'll say about THAT. :0)

So, yeah, 2011 had some pretty interesting points. Unforgettable year, that is for sure. It has taught me so much about life, about grieving, about celebration, about friendship, about love, about independence, about working, about nursing.....

I will never forget this year. But, I am also so, so, so ready for 2012. 2012 just "sounds" like a good year. What can I expect to happen in 2012? Not sure yet...A lot of 2012 will be about saving up money for bigger and better things. It will be about furthering my independence, furthering my nursing career, taking my GREs, looking into schools, etc. And maybe travel? Who knows? Very exciting. Also, end of the world? perhaps? Probably not? So, yeah. Cool stuff.

Okay I hope you're done with your popcorn now, because I am done. I think. For now. You can highly expect I will be adding to this blog in time as I'm sure There are points of 2011 I forgot to mention. But I got the big ones.

With so much love, and thank you so much for reading this year,


~A Writer in a Nurse's Body

This Ain't Goodbye

"You and I were friends from outerspace, afraid to let go. The only two who understood this place..."


Okay. I'm not even sure where to begin, to be honest.

I lost a really great friend this past weekend. Saturday morning.

I think I'm still in the Denial stage of grief. Its just so hard to......grasp. To really say to yourself, She is gone. I'm not going to see her anymore on random at work. I won't see her smiling face anymore, hear her laugh. I'm not in denial that she passed away. I get that. I understand that. I'm in denial I won't see her anymore, I guess. Its just so hard to believe.

It happened fast. She became very sick very quickly and after all, we all knew death was imminent, as much as we all hoped she would pull through on the last minute and be fine. She was diagnosed with Cancer in June and we all imagined her pulling through the chemotherapy rounds and then eventually returning back to work one day. None of us knew, ever even thought, that it would end like it did. Maybe thats why its still so hard to believe. She was supposed to make it.


She was hired where I work (at the hospital), on my floor, the same job as me, exactly a month after I. I met her when I was 18, five years ago. At the time I was only working alternating weekends, so I could toggle my other job and school as well. Therefore, she was my "weekend buddy", the only employee I really got to know at first. We were both still so new and we learned the ropes together, we had a lot of laughs and a lot of learning. Eventually I quit my other job and picked up a lot more shifts at the hospital and eventually met a lot more people and became very good friends with a lot more of my coworkers. But Ann was the first.


She was way too young to die. Just over middle age, she was just starting to prepare for retirement and the major second half of her life. She was just recently dieting to be healthier...for some reason I can't get that out of my mind. Just a week or so before she was diagnosed I remember her asking for some time off to get some health check-ups done. She was fine, then. Or so we thought.


Life is always full of "I should haves".  If I had known that her being diagnosed with cancer and admitted to our hospital would end in her passing, I would have gone to visit more. I would have given her more hugs. I went to visit on occasion because I knew there would be more times to visit, a lifetimes worth. I was wrong.


The earth shattering thought of it all comes down to this....she was "fine", and then two months later, she is not with us anymore. She was dieting, she was planning for the future, she was taking care of her daughter and mother, she was living her life, she was working full time, she was fine.

It could happen to any of us. It could happen to any of us that we become sick, or any of us could die at any passing moment, and then what?  Just like that? It's just hard to wrap your mind around. I think everyone naturally plans on and counts on the fact that they will live til their elder years and then its okay to pass away. I certainly do. I can't imagine myself not making it to the elder years, but then again, who actually plans on not doing so? Life just catches us so off guard its unbelievable.

Upon her recent passing, all of us at work have been sharing our favorite memories of her. Memories she never would have imagined would be her last in our minds.

Some of my favorite include this one time when staffing was an absolute mess one day at work and everyone was pulled to all different floors. I got pulled first to our psychiatric unit for a 1:1. Me and Ann were supposed to split the 8 hours and switch at 7pm. Well, 7 pm came and sure enough, she came down, but not to relieve me. She sat down right across from me, and told me she had been called down herself to watch another patient next door. So we spent the next four hours, right next to eachother (that never happens on 1:1's, ever), just talking, catching up and getting to know more about one another.

Which got me thinking, if you or I died right now, what would peoples last memories be with you? Do you approve of those memories? What would you change?

What would you wish you could have done before you died?

For some reason, every time I come close to death myself (I make it sound like this happens a lot but its actually usually made up in my mind *hypochondriac*) I find myself thinking, "I can't die yet. I haven't written a book yet." A written book is the one thing I want this world to remember me by. So why aren't I writing it? I am fine, I am healthy, I am not dying anytime soon. I have all the time in the foreseeable, fortunate lucky world. So if it means that much to me to do before I die, why aren't I writing it? Why wait until its too late?

I guess we always just leave those things to another day because "life" gets in the way. Our kids, our jobs, our responsibilities, our groceries, our errands. Our bucket lists can wait on another day, another time to start that, because today you have to run errands.

Being in the healthcare field, I know how much she was suffering. She is no longer in pain now and had a very painful and traumatizing last month of her life, which no one should ever haver to go through. Being on the patient and nurse in my life so far, I know the dynamics and suffering of what she went through and I don't even know if I would be strong enough to do it myself. She was one of the strongest people I knew.

So, knowing that, my only prayer is that Ann got to do what meant the most to her in life. Got to spend life with people she loved most and loved her most. I guess thats all anyone can ask for, when it comes down to the bare necessities, right?


Well, one day we will meet again. I know she will be waiting for us with her classic smile, and Styrofoam cup of water with "Ann" written on the side. Until then.....


"But this ain't goodbye
This is just the way love goes
When words aren't warm enough to keep away the cold.
This ain't goodbye
It's not where our story ends"

Love you always, remember you forever. Rest in Peace, Ann. &lt; 3

~ WNB



. song lyrics by Train, "This Ain't Goodbye"

Don't Kill the Birthday Girl

Hey!

So update on my life....


I got an NCLEX date! Scary business right there. I have exactly one month, starting tomorrow, to study like I have never studied before to pass this test. Failing *is not* an option, as I am already scheduled for work orientation soon after the test! Ah!

Anyway, Saturday me and some new (and old) cool friends went for a hike up, and down, and up and back down, this hiking trail out in PA- "Hawk Mountain". Needless to say, "trail" was an understatement--It was seriously intense! Most of it was figuring out the best way not to die, jumping from rocks to rocks.....but it was the most fun I've had in a long, long time. Seriously needed. Funny how unexpected moments creep up on you like that. It was breathtaking, working so hard to climb up to the top of a mountain, and then to see the view....it was just incredible. To just turn off your phone, eat lunch on a rock overlooking miles and miles, listen to nature.....

I used to be the kid that when we went hiking as a family,  I wanted to take the hard routes. I wanted to climb over all the rocks. I wanted to go in the caves. I wanted to be in the lead and find the pathways. Well, since then my most epic hiking has been stuck with the local reservoir which is mostly all a laid out pathway around a lake reservoir thing. But this....this was what I missed. Seeing a rock ledge above you and its just you, your friends, your sneakers, your strength, your brain, your judgement, your depth perception....its all you. It was a good, well spent day. :-)








Anyway- about my stranggeeeeeeeee title, I read an excerpt in "psychology today" (favoritist magazine ever) about this new book, "Don't kill the Birthday Girl" by Sandra Beasley.

The excerpt was page turning from the very first word. It instantly caught my attention. What is it about? Me. Well, not me me, but my life. She has it a LOT worse, a LOT WORSE than I ever have or will, but I know exactly what she is talking about. This is a memoir written by a girl not much older than me that has lived her whole life trying to survive despite multiple severe food allergies. She has what is a true "allergy" (i.e. anaphylactic reaction). I only have one true allergy- (peanuts), the rest are all inconvenient "intolerances".   So in the excerpt I read she talked about dating in particular and how frustrating it is to expect a guy to ever, ever want to live, date, and take care, or marry someone like this. Beasley quotes, "There is a world of difference between having someone care about you and forcing him to be your caretaker." So true.  She talks of how she has to hide who she really is on dates, and how she has to be the annoying girl fighting with waiters at restaurants instead of just eating normally (I totally get that) and how she even hid a complete anaphylactic reaction on a date until she walked him home, and then she called 911 on the street! Crazy.

Beasley quotes, "Forty minutes passed by in a blur as I tried to keep the date going, pushing hummus around my plate as my body shut down." I've been there. Many, many times. It sucks.

A lot of times I find other people find my many food problems more annoying than I do. I'm used to it. I can find plenty of things to eat still. My closer friends get it, and put up with it. Its my family and new friends that I meet that find it annoying. People worry about me, "Well if we go here, can you eat anything?" The answer is yes, I will find something. If I cant, its not a big deal, you know? Life goes on!

I've blogged about this frustration before, but it sucks having to explain to new people that yes, I'm allergic to that, and no-I can't eat that that you just made for me-and yes, I'm allergic to that too, actually, and no-I'm not kidding, I can't eat that either. And by then all hope is gone of a nice relationship. It sucks denying food people made for you or are offering you because it has a shred of milk in it.

So I totally get where this girl is coming from. I get how hard her life is. She has it a lot worse than I do but I still get her 100%. Needless to say, I bought the book off Amazon 2 days after it was released to the public. So I am really excited to read the rest of this book and find out some of her ways to cope with these allergies. Like I said, I'm OK with it. I just need pointers on how to get others to be OK with it.

Well, this tiredlittlebean should probably get to bed. Tomorrow marks day one of intense, hardcore, no mercy, NCLEX studying. :-\ I need to find the will to just sit at a table all day and do it.....Endless amounts of tea at b&n, thats how :-)


~A Writer in a Nurses Body

PS- Here is a video the author made for the book:

Really good!!!



~WNB

Bursting with Happiness

Wow! Okay! Where do I even start? The last week has been a string of hilarious events! I was just telling my  friend the other day that although this summer has had its major downfalls, it has also been probably the best summer of my life. So far.


Previously, the best summer of my life clocked in around 2006, after I graduated high school. My circle of friends had just really started to "form" naturally just before we graduated, so that entire summer was spent nearly every day with each other, (about 5-6 of us) just getting to know every little bit of each other. It was the summer before we all left for college, and we were all just bursting with happiness. Every day felt like a good day to hang out, no matter what. We were 18 and just....free.

I have had good moments, good days, good months since--but have always been searching to get that summer back, that feeling of freedom, happiness and energy. Well, 5 years later- Its totally here.

I have been blessed with seeing so many friends! Although the original friends from 2006 all split off and are doing their own thing, we all still talk and catch up once in awhile-which is wonderful. But- the true blessing is making new friends! Turning people from your past that you barely knew into your best friend tomorrow. I have been doing so many fun things with so many different people-- seeing so many different things, new experiences.... The most important thing is that I have been laughing so much! I love to laugh. What more could I ever ask for?




I guess the only thing I could actually ask for now is to pass my NCLEX coming........*sigh*. I should probably devote some time to that, eh? Yessum.



Signing off for now- Working all day today and then....ready for it......Jersey Shore all week, starting tomorrow! I'll be sure to share lots of beach pictures!



~ A (HAPPY) Writer in a Nurse's Body

Vulnerability

Hi! So I am very happy!

I left off last with going to Philadelphia to see the 4th of July fireworks! We did it for my college roommate (and best college friend ever)'s birthday celebration. Since I live under a VERY LARGE rock and don't know about obvious things other people commonly know about, I didn't even know Philly did something so big- Which really makes me laugh now because Philadelphia is sort of like the birthplace  of our nation- so it only makes sense that they put on a firework show when the rest of the country is too. Sorry for that run-on sentence. But point was that this was very special for my roommate to see the fireworks--it's something she's always wanted to do!

Anyway, so here's what went down:

My parents dropped me off (fabulous) in the middle of Philly because all the surrounding streets where the festival was were all closed. So I got out and just walked to where my friends were. Now, a year ago a MONTH ago--I would not have had the courage and bravery to do this. Anxiety would have over come me. Walk? In philly? By myself? In a city I've never been to? What?

But thanks to my experiences in Europe....walking around (totally lost) exploring, without Internet or my iphone and just a map, by myself, and being OK and figuring things out in other languages and like, taking CABS and cool stuff like that--I totally had the confidence to literally just jump out of the van and I was all like ready, set, go. Even though I DID use my iphone for its mapping gps features (i.e. I was the blue dot moving and the red dot was the Philadelphia museum of art), I still felt proud of myself.

So the rest of the night was composed of concerts, sitting on pavement in a circle playing games, telling "one word" stories to pass time, Polly pepper, and eventually the fireworks! (at 11).

They ran for about 30 minutes. It was crowded. So, so crowded. Shoulder-to-shoulder crowded! About halfway through, we heard these two very LOUD "bangs" behind us. Now, I have never heard a gunshot in my presence (I consider myself blessed for this), Just on TV. So I couldn't actually say, but in my opinion it didn't sound like gunshots. I pictured gunshots to sound piercing, louder, and....i don't know....sharp. These sounds were low pitched, hollow almost. Regardless- I'm pretty naive and can't base my sound-knowledge on TV only. As soon as I heard the "shots" I thought to myself, This is a really bad place (or a good place if thats what youre trying to do) to shoot people.... so many people could die here. And besides the extreme loudness in terms of proximity, the shots would easily blend in with the booming of the fireworks above.

About ten seconds later, people around us start screaming, and running.

My first thought- no lie- was that I had no cellular reception (since there were too many people there), and wouldn't be able to tell my parents I was OK, if I made it. My obvious assumption was that those two noises were guns, as did a couple others, obviously. So-in adrenalineness-I latched on to two of my friends around me, wary of where some of the others were- and we ran a short distance away where we could further assess the situation. At that point the crowd had calmed down some, people stopped running and there did not appear to be any apparent danger. So being that the fireworks were so special and were still not over- we went back into the crowd to finish watching.

My adrenaline was still coursing through though, of course. As you know, it doesn't just stop, even if danger threat is over. It takes awhile.

But the most important part of that moment was the realization of how terrifying a gun is. I knew prior how dangerous they are, but never actually found myself in a situation where one was involved. In my head, I reviewed common nursing gunshot wound care (I know, dorky), and basic training that I learned from TV That I just happened to know about what to do.

But it made me feel so vulnerable. I can fix wounds. You can heal from wounds. Scrapes, bruises, hits, you can all heal from. Even a stab wound. At least with a stab wound, you would have to be specifically targeted. Someone that you pissed off has to be specifically close enough to you and really mad at you. But a gun? A gun can be an accident, its easy to mis-target. Unless you are being hunted down by the SWAT team.  Its so easy to be in the exact wrong place, wrong time. There are a lot of stupid people out there with guns that can't aim. Its a lot harder to heal from a gunshot. With a gunshot, its a lot harder to help yourself (if you're conscious). You have to depend on other people around you to care enough to help you instead of run like hell. Which you know, is kinda scary.

So I pulled my over-top shirt around me tighter, as if it were some sort of bullet proof vest. I felt so jumpy in my skin, so vulnerable, so....unprotected. So little, so weak. THe possible "shooter"(s)could be anywhere, at any different direction and could be targeting anyone or any type of race/group/gender/etc. 



Eventually we overheard from a lot of people on the streets that the sounds were M-80's and set off by teenagers in the middle of the crowd (stupid), and that is what caused people to run and scream, which caused lots of other people to wrongly assume what it was, and run and scream even more.

But pretending as if it were actually a gun....I was in such disbelief. Despite being in New York City all the time, and going/living in a school thats five minutes from Trenton, NJ, and being in many other "dangerous" types of situations (including a shooter being on my campus once and my high school receiving more than 10 bomb threats a month) , I had never, ever been in that much danger at once. I couldn't believe that me, little me from farmville, NJ had found myself in the middle of a crowd that was being shot at?

It was definitely a life-experience though, even if it wasn't actually a gun. I plan to use that moment of complete terror in my writing, particularly in my novel i'm writing right now. Even if it wasn't real, i thought it was at the time, and will use the thoughts in my head i had in my writing. Its amazing how everything truly slows down when you're "on" adrenaline. You remember everything. You feel as if you could run four miles and be fine. Lift up your friend next to you. Do anything as long as it means survival. You see things better, hear things better, do things faster. Reflexes are sharper. Its fascinating! I love an adrenaline rush, but certainly don't favor finding myself in that kind of rush again.


Well, after that was all over and done with, we were safely back in our friend's apartment. Even though it is highly-not-recommended and not in any way a good idea for me to stay up late, we ended up staying up all night. Not intentionally, of course. But we sat up talking for so long that by the time we decided to turn off the lights, we realized the sun was rising. Had to go see that! So of course, we climbed up to the roof and watched it and kept talking, and watched the city wake up at 6 am.

So, even though I am a goody-two -shoes and don't typically do things like fight gunmen, drink more than I should have, climb to rooftops, and stay up all night, It was extremely fun, so-European-and SO mid-twenties! I have to do things like this, once in a while. Its like some sort of rite-of-passage for being a twentysomething. But overall, we laughed SO SO MUCH, which I needed SO SO MUCH, and talked and talked and talked, and just had a good time. It was really nice.

The next Late afternoon  morning, we went to brunch at this REALLY GOOD PLACE right next to the apartment. It was amazing! Despite feeling like I wanted to throw up everything in my stomach (even though there was nothing in my stomach because I forgot to eat), I got eggs and toast......Amazing. The whole time I kept thinking, this is so European. This is SO EUROPE! I actually was expecting them to start speaking Dutch or French (which my friends were doing, actually), and to have to pay in Euros. The water was european-like, the forks were european! Yes, Forks can be european! Even the crowd in the place was so European-cafe-ish. A group of business men in front of us, a guy in sandals with his macbook and a bagel and expresso reading the paper next to us, two moms in front of us with their babies in bassinets on the floor, meeting for coffee and lunch....the waitress even looked right out of some European magazine of sorts. It was all just amazing and really made me miss Europe. Also, my friends and I (somehow) managed to have the most intelligent conversation I have ever taken part of, despite having had no sleep and being extremely hungover, we managed to debate the actual cause of the civil war and therefore all the other wars in history and whether or not religion was the route of all of it. Blew my mind. Also, so European. Am I stereotyping Europe enough? probably. I'll stop.


Well I have officially typed way longer than you will ever want to read, so my apologies. The good news is some interesting life lessons were learned (learnt?) and that is what matters. Cheers to being 23!


~A Naive Writer in a Ready for a GSW Nurse's Body

Sorry i crossed so many things out in this post! :-p

The Ultimate Relationship

I sort of had an epiphany the other day at work... Like I said, I've had a couple blogs ready to go but then last night's blog sort of just took on a mind of its own. It was 2 am, I was sad, and well, you know...that obviously leads to disastrous blogging time!


But anyway, the other day at work I was working with one of my best work-friends. We have been there almost the same amount of time, her a little longer, and work extremely well together, which I have always known. But it wasn't until the other day that I realized why we not only work well together, but why we are really good friends outside of work, too.

Its the key to ANY successful relationship. By emphasizing any, I mean any. Here are some examples I thought of:

- coworkers
- boyfriend and girlfriend >>> husband and wife
- parent and kid
- team players on a sports team
- roommates
- friends
- anyone else.

And the key to making any relationship a successful one is....reading minds!

Okay, well not literally. But almost literally!

Let me explain further on my  epiphany and will show you how it works in other relationships.

Me and my awesome work friend can conquer any problem on the nursing floor, together. We are both very good workers. We know what each other is thinking just by looking at each others faces. We can communicate without speaking. We have this eerie thing of coming to each other's aide when the other is in need somewhere on the floor. We have this way of knowing what the other person wants before we even have to say it or ask for it. And thats it! I have this mind-reading phenomenon with this friend and one other person on the floor, and because of it will probably be friends with them forever....well, I hope so at least. Connecting with someone on that level is....unique. Rare. Special. You can't let that go. And Its not easy to come by, either. It is natural. You can't make this phenomenon happen, it just picks people. There are plenty of coworkers that I can do my job with, but can't work on this level with. You just don't connect.

So thats how it works at work. Of course you can increase your job satisfaction and performance if you have a coworker that can practically read your mind and you theirs...

So what about boyfriend and girlfriend? Husband and wife? Well...think about it. Neither male or female like to have to ask for what they want from their counterpart. We fall in love with people that just seem to know what we are thinking without having to say it. We fall in love with people that get us what we need before you even knew you needed it. We fall in love with people that give you a kiss or send you a text message right at the exact moment you needed one.  This has to be a part of any successful relationship. You have to be able to read each others mind, just by looking into each others eyes. That should be enough to relay a whole paragraph of information to you in a moment's notice. 

With an unsuccessful relationship, which I am all too familiar with (realizing this in hindsight after this epiphany) will be a standstill. You don't have that deep phenomenal connection. You may get along on one level but not on that deep level. You get along for your first couple months, years, but never reach that true....life-long connection because you subconsciously refuse to go there. You get frustrated with each other after the loveys have worn away, because your counterpart no longer knows you, no longer knows exactly what you want. You realize you don't really know who they are, anymore, and what they even want from you. You don't talk anymore, upon hours of sitting with each other, nothing is said....at dinners, in car rides...There is nothing to be said. You are two separate minds that are no longer connected and cannot read each other and this will never work. You can prolong it as long as you like but it will never truly work.

I remember being 17, and in my first long-term relationship, in high school. At this point we had been dating for about 3 years, and things were not good. We fought every day. We did have that connection, at one point, but lost it, I guess. When you are that young, you both change, so even if you had it in the beginning of your relationship it is only natural if you lost it three years later, after surviving high school together. I have this specific memory of standing in my high school hallway, waiting amongst the sea of people rushing to their lockers, staring at my boyfriend, rummaging through his own locker for the morning. He didn't know I was there yet. I remember staring at him, thinking......"Am I really dating this person? Who is he? What do I really know about him?" It was almost as if I was looking at him for the first time.

And the relationship ended that year.

As for other relationships....think about it...a parent child relationship works better if you have that inner-connection. Its all about reading minds and anticipating needs before they arise.  Team players on a sports team have to naturally read each others mind in a split-seconds notice, without speaking, in order to effectively make a play.

And its at the heart of nursing, too. I think all nurses must have this inner-ability in them, to use on whomever they choose. Patients, mostly. Its our job to read our patients minds. To get them what they need before they even call their call bell. To see that they are upset before they even realize it. To always be one step ahead of your patient. To be there, waiting to catch them when they fall. That is nursing. That is me.



Does anyone agree?



~A Writer in a Nurse's Body

This was taken by me in Paris. Can't you just SEE it? You can see it from a mile away. These two people can read each others minds. It is so obvious. One moves and the other reacts. Its a constant state of equilibrium.






I'm so sorry I realized this now. But now I can better pick relationships for the future. :-) We learn something every day.

Weirdest most awesome day EVAH

Hello!

This week has been jam packed with fun things and fun people!!

Let me fill you in. We'll start with the past and then move on with the future...

Yesterday:

930am: Breakfast in Bethlehem, PA with amazing best preschool lifelong friend! We meet every couple of months and always have plenty to talk about. Always good times!

12pm- Lunch at PF CHANGS (Best restaurant EVER) in Princeton, NJ (an hour and half away from Bethlehem but right next to my ex-school). Lunch was AMAZING since I got to see my housemate I just spent the past year with at college! She is my best college friend and we clicked instantly and forever after. And, the food was amazing as well! It always is. She also gave me my graduation and birthday present and gave me the BEST picture ever of the two of us and also a nursing book that I want to start reading immediately....

Funny story:
Back in the day, right about when I was graduating high school, I was in a show. It was 42nd street. Probably my all time best friend from high school, was also in the show, and she had the lead. Well, on our last performance, I went over to give her a hug and someone ( I think my dad) got this great shot of us just about to hug. And...my mom is standing in the background, looking at us, sort of staring into space.I look back on the picture a lot as it sits on my desk and I always laugh at my goofy mom in the background.  Well this friend decided to give me a collage of all these inspiring words, and left it up to me on what picture I wanted in the middle of all it. It was for my birthday, right around graduation, as well. 

Well, now history repeats itself, of course. Now my all time best college friend, gave me a picture of the two of us standing together at graduation, and who is in the background staring into space? My mom. Who else?? And, the picture was with my best college friend, and was given to me for my birthday!! Weird how history just repeats itself like that.

At lunch, me and my friend also made more formal plans for future. She is going to look for a nursing job up in North Jersey by me and we will be trying to live together (for real!), hopefully by October or November!! Woot!!!! THis is HUGE!

Okay, so after PF CHANGS, I decided that since I was so close to school, I should go over to the office and pick up some paperwork that I had forgotten to pick up when I was still a student. But, before I went to the school, I wanted to go sit in my favorite school-barnes and noble, being that I became friends with one of the employees over the years and I wanted to go say hi, since I was already so close. I had said a final goodbye in May when I thought I'd never be back to that area, so it was a nice surprise.

Well, I sat in B & N for two and a half hours!! I grabbed a book, a tea, and made myself comfy reading, and so much time went by. It was 300 pm and I knew I had to get going if I was going to make my sisters High school graduation that night! So i set off.

In the parking lot, I went back and forth...should I go pick up the paperwork at the school? Should I not? Should I? I didn't really feel like it, driving over to the school....but, I was already so close and I certainly wouldn't feel like driving down aGAIN later on, so I decided I should just suck it up and go get it.

Well, I got to the nursing office and started leafing through my nursing folder to get what I needed. My professor (just happened) to find me by complete chance, a professor that I had spoken with at graduation about being interested in attending the honor society nursing convention this fall.  Well, here in this office, she asked me if I would be interested in becoming a nursing delegate for this NJ Chapter of Sigma Theta Tau International, the nursing honor society. I asked her of my responsibilities, and after I agreed that I would do it, she says, great! The annual board meeting starts at 4! Well, it was 3:40 by then, what are the chances? Turns out she was IN the office, for the meeting! So I stuck around to go to this big important board meeting. I was a nervous nelly  because I was in jeans and a tee, being that the rest of my day was jeans-and-tee attire, and I certainly wasn't planning on attending any board meetings!



So the meeting was fun...we talked about all this important stuff, like budgets, ideas on nursing in the school, events, fundraisers, NCLEX, etc. It was crazy ! I tried not to open my mouth because I was still in utter awe and really didn't want to say anything stupid as I am so prone to doing. I was the youngest one by 30 years and certainly wasn't about to jump right in with ideas of my own....just yet. Instead I listened to everyone speak, nodded and smiled, offered encouragement, and so forth.


Well, it gets BETTER. Being that I spoke with this same professor at graduation about being interested in going to this honor societys big convention, they picked me (the delegate) to go to the convention! Turns out they have to send one delegate to go, and there I was. So I will be going on a 3,000 (paid for!) convention all about nursing, in TEXAS, for FIVE DAYS in october with my PROFESSOR!!! IS THIS REAL LIFE? It was SO surreal!!! I can't WAIT!!  I had to practically swear on my life that I would be available on those days, no matter WHAT.  No matter what was going on in my job.  I told her that I am already on good terms with my boss, being that I have been on my job for 5 years, and that she would have no problem with letting me off for 5 days to attend an honorable position at a nursing convention. So I will have to go to this convention and do really important things! Like vote! And make decisions! And change nursing! And look professional! AH! So cool.


I've always wanted to change nursing. I have been on a floor for five years now and there is so much I wish i could change, not only on my floor but in the entire realm of nursing everywhere. But every nurse wants to change things, but can't from the floor. With this small foot in the door, I will be meeting the president of the ENTIRE society (my professor is friends with the entire board), and this is how I can change nursing. I will be on the floor still, and can still have political power, one day, in a couple years! This is crazy! Dream big!!!!!!!

So after I got done chatting with all my professors as if they were my new best friends, I raced out of there, thinking the meeting was only an hour long. Well, it was an hour and 45 minutes, time now being 5:38. My sister walks onto the graduation field at 6:10! And thats an hour away! Oh no!!!!! So, I obviously raced there....I might have broken a couple speed laws, but I did make it there in just under an hour! I missed her walk, and get her diploma though :( So, bummer. But, she doesn't hate me! Yay!


So overall, from morning until being in my bed at night, it was a crazy crazy day and so UNEXPECTED!!!!  I love when life happens like that! One minute you're here and the next you're on a roller coaster you didn't even know existed! Its SO WEIRD how fate works!

1) First of all, my friend and I weren't even supposed to go to that restaurant, or that area. We were going to meet closer to me, but they were closed. If we had met closer to me, I never would have gone to the school.

2) If I had not chosen to go see my BN friend, and if I had gone right to the school, I would have been there way too early and would have never seen my professor.

3) If I hadn't been so engrossed in a book at BN and spent two and a half hours there, I would have been too early. Also, If I had chose to go right to graduation and skip the paperwork like I so wanted, it never would have happened!

It just was so weird how it all worked out! It was meant to happen, I was meant to be right there at that time. And now it will probably help shape the rest of my entire life...... Thats kind of like how I decided to go into nursing....so unexpected. Another blog, another day..


I will definitely update you on that! Yay nursing!!!!! I promise to change it all for the good!


~A Writer in a Nurse's Body

Its a Different World!

Hello! I have found a small nook of time to blog a little before we leave for our bikeride along the Dutch countryside! I have one hour so I will blog as much as I can and then pick up where I left off!

It gets dark here at like....10:30. That is so wild. At 9 pm, I swear it looks like the American version of 2 or 3 pm. So weird. It really isn't helping my body get used to adjusting to jet lag! Jet lag is funny because no matter how much sleep I get I'm still tired, I keep waking up at 3 am feeling awake, and my stomach is constantly hungry!! (which is not good, because food is not exactly plentiful!) Well, it IS plentiful, but my wallet is not!

Anyway, no more complaints.

Our hotel is lovely! It is on the wee outskirts of Amsterdam in a residential neighborhood, about a 15 minute walk to the tram station and then about 30 minutes on the tram. As I'm writing this I can hear neighborhood kids playing outside- running around playing baseball and kickball (they probably call it something different).

I have the bestest, most sweetest roommates in the world! For Amsterdam at least, we are probably going to have to switch next city to meet other people.

I am 90% sure that my group is the only 30 people in the hotel that speak fluent english- everyone else is Dutch. Which I KEEP FORGETTING, because other than that--you would think this is an "american" hotel. So I get on the elevator and I say "Good morning" and they don't respond. Or I mutter off something quickly that any fluent english person would understand but not someone that does not know it well. Or, days like today, I said "Good morning" in Dutch! Woot! and must have pulled it off well because then they continued a conversation with me in Dutch and I had to sheepishly say and shrug, "Sorry, English."  Conversation over.

And its weird being out in public-- Like I can't say "I'm sorry" to a stranger if I bump into them, or whatever. Or I can't say little things to keep up a conversation with a stranger.

The funny thing is, I guess because its a huge city, is its a lot like New York City in that its a big melting pot of languages. There is mostly Dutch, but also a lot of spanish, german and a wee bit of French. Most signs are first written in Dutch and then in English, which is nice of them. America doesn't exactly pride itself in having signs with Dutch translation at the bottom. Also, when looking at a Dutch phrase, with a little common sense it is easy to figure out quickly. I have already figured out the common words for "the, your, you, I, we, would, no smoking, open, again, etc." Also if you try and pronounce the Dutch phrase, sometimes it even sounds like the English way except a little different.  Languages are so much fun to play with!

Also, all of their music here is the same as ours, and all in English. A lot of their signs and coffeeshops and clothing stores, are all written in English and only English. And when my friends and I were lost, every Dutch person we stopped to ask directions was able to communicate enough in English. Kudos to them! I think America needs to step up their game in terms of learning more languages. I know its in our school systems, but its not enough. Most of us are not fluent in Spanish, and that is our "second language". We need to step it up and be more universally acceptable.

Anyway, Yesterday was fun! We started on a sightseeing tour which was funny because typical me is listening with one ear but taking pictures like crazy. But this is necessary, you see, because when the tour group stops to teach us something, I have to take pictures because taking pictures while walking has proven to be difficult.

After the sightseeing tour, we ended up at Anne Frank's House. This was really emotional and very saddening. Unfortunately cameras were strictly not allowed, so I don't have any. The entire tour going through was very quiet. It was startling to see the living conditions they were forced in to, and how it turned out anyway. It was very sad and hard to see, but also very eye-opening and interesting. For instance, I did not know that Anne wanted to be a writer. She wanted to publish her own book called the "Secret Annex". Besides her famous diary, she kept many other books with random favorite quotes, and creative writing scenes, novels and poetry which reminds me a lot of myself, which I really liked.

After that emotional toll, we all went to their supermarket here and grabbed some lunch ( I got a smoothie and an apple for 2.80 Euro! woot

After my mini-alone excursion (one I will never forget!) We went on a relaxing boat tour through the canal, which was relaxing. Did I mention it was relaxing? We all so needed it. We took lots of pictures together and I took lots of pictures of....everything else.  After our cruise we had some free time til dinner, and this is where the bonding came in. About 6 of us decided to just walk around and explore. We came across a really cool flea market and I got some sweet pictures. We did some shopping, talking, and getting to know each other. By the end of the 2 hours, we all felt like best friends. It was unforgettable, and amazing, having that instant connection with five other people after just meeting them.

We then went to dinner, and it took us about halfway into our entree to figure out what nationality we chose. We thought we were in a Thai or Indian type food place, but turns it was totally Greek. very, very Greek. And I tried new things! And didn't die! Didnt even get nauseous! :D Although I honestly could not tell you WHAT I tried.

After dinner we went to this park where the famous " I amsterdam" sign is, and we all took pictures in while climbing in letters together. It was so much fun!

After that we went to the "Red Light District"....for those of you that do not know, prostitution is very legal in Amsterdam. The RLD is a place where prostitutes can openly sell their services to people seeking. It was the wildest thing I have ever seen, and certainly something I will never see in America! Women in bikini's wait in their house doorways behind a glass window, and tap at you as you walk by if they are interested in you. If you are interested in them first, you can go to them and discuss pricing for their services. Then you make a deal and...well, you know. So it was sad to see that women were relying on this for their income and being treated so lowly and this is what their life has come too...but at the same time I am glad it is legal because the country has so many practices in place to keep these women safe, STD free and free of lifelong detriments such as AIDS. Also, they are making a LOT of money.


Anyway, thats the majority of my day! Thanks for sticking around for a long blog! Hope I made it interesting! Today is a bike ride along the Dutch countryside, and I leave in ten minutes! We won't be done until later tonight. Tomorrow is an 8 hour bus ride to Munich!

~A Writer in a Nurses Body &lt; 3

We are Not Generic

So I graduated today.

I have this weird thing about me that it's hard for me to actually realize....the magnitude of what is going on. Like, I should be walking on cloud nine because I graduated college today with a BSN in nursing. I mean, this is huge. It was the hardest academic program I've ever been through. It was the most rigorous three years of my life...

But it actually just feels like any other day, strangely enough. Kind of like when its your birthday and people ask you, "So How does it feel to be...[insert age here]?"  And your response is usually...."It feels the same as yesterday."  

I guess what I'm trying to say is walking across a field and accepting a piece of paper doesn't make me a nurse. I don't even think passing my NCLEX will make me a nurse. I don't truly think I can call myself a nurse til I've been on the job for 50 years and even then I will still feel like I'm learning.

From this day on, this blog will change. It will no longer have tags, "Student Nursing" because that chapter of my life is finally over. No more anxiety-driven clinicals, no more posts about feeling too nervous that I can't go on, no more tears after a test....

There will be no more making a second back-up plan for my entire life because I am positive I will never graduate this program. I actually made it through! Although I did come up with some pretty good back up plans.....

So this blog will change into posts about nursing...(BSN nursing, not aide nursing!) ... My first job, the terrors of that, the highlights, the dreams, everything I learn...

Because I will never stop learning. Life is not worth living if you can't continue to learn every single day. If the day comes that you stop learning, that you think you know everything, then that is the day you know nothing.

I got an honorary award today at graduation for having an outstanding performance and interest in community health nursing. Which is AWESOME and probably was truly the highlight of my day.  I highly respect, honor and cherish two professors at that school very, very, very much and think they are the smartest two women I have ever met in my life--And they chose me for this honor. Which is incredible. So this confirms a couple things in my life. Being that I received an award for having an interest in community health nursing, I want to actually follow through with that. I still want to gain my "typical" nursing experience in the hospital, but then I plan to get my masters degree in International Nursing, and specialize in Field Epidemiology, which is a division of community health. Basically what this will enable me to do is do what I love most--Travel and Nursing. When a huge outbreak occurs, field epidemiologists get "sent in" and figure out whats causing the illness. They sort of get to play detective...get to the very bottom of where it all started. Trace it all back to the source. Figure out its path. The symptoms. How to control it. How to prevent the rest of the public from acquiring this disease. Also, they get to do lots of math, which, I love very much. I miss math terribly from grade school, high school and community college--and when we got to do a little bit of math again in epidemiology--I realized how much I would love for math (and nursing) to be my job again.

So, for the first time in my life, I feel comfortable with whats going to happen. Of course, we can never be sure of whats going to happen and my plan is *probably* going to change, but--Its at least nice to have a plan, even if it is a little tentative and bound to change.

To explain the title of my post, it was from one of my graduation speakers at todays "school-wide" ceremony (as opposed to the department of Nursing ceremony). We had two amazing speakers, the first being our senior class president. She gave this phenomenal speech--starting it off by saying she didn't know what to say, so she googled it--but didn't like what she was seeing-it was too generic and cliche. So she went with this awesome speech of how we at my school are definitely not generic and definitely don't fit any cliche. She went on to describe specific (funny) examples of how we are different from your typical college population, and overall it was a speech that actually kept my attention. Then we had another great speaker--one of my school's English professor's, and she gave this awesome inspiring speech that ended with a really special poem I wanted to share with all you. It is the typical perfect poem I would love  and sounds like something I could only hope to write one day.

“Do You Have Any Advice For Those of Us Just Starting Out?"

Ron Koertge

Give up sitting dutifully at your desk. Leave

your house or apartment. Go out into the world.

It's all right to carry a notebook but a cheap

one is best, with pages the color of weak tea

and on the front a kitten or a space ship.

Avoid any enclosed space where more than

three people are wearing turtlenecks. Beware

any snow-covered chalet with deer tracks

across the muffled tennis courts.

Not surprisingly, libraries are a good place to write.

And the perfect place in a library is near an aisle

where a child a year or two old is playing as his

mother browses the ranks of the dead.

Often he will pull books from the bottom shelf.

The title, the author's name, the brooding photo

on the flap mean nothing. Red book on black, gray

book on brown, he builds a tower. And the higher

it gets, the wider he grins.

You who asked for advice, listen: When the tower

falls, be like that child. Laugh so loud everybody

in the world frowns and says, "Shhhh."

Then start again.

I think the end is the best piece of wisdom I have ever heard, and will be with me in really difficult moments in the next years to come. So, I will leave you tonight with some pictures of my special day:

Crazy cool picture of all the crowds in the stands. We have a big school and lots of family came, as expected :-)

Thanks to my addiction to my new Hipstamatic app, this picture looks like its a graduation from the 70s and I love it! We walked under this little balloon archway and It was just so perfect for the day. It was adorable.

Last but certainly not least, we went to dinner to P.F. Changs to celebrate- And this was my fortune cookie. It says, "Endurance and Persistence will be rewarded" Which is SO fitting for today and making it through this program. Yay for unexpected perfect fortunes! :-) Love when life works out like that...

Yay!

~ A Writer in a Nurse's Body