"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Just some words I can pick to describe some people I know.
Really? Really? Why do people (some college graduates) have to act like they are stuck in middle school? Where has human decency gone? Empathy? Thank yous?
I swear I'm getting so far away from all that is here when I graduate. I'll come back though, eventually. Hopefully when people grow up.
Oh, and it's POSTSECRET TIME!!!!
www.postsecret.com (for those of you that are NOT already swept in by the worldwide Sunday phenomenon)
Except I really don't care because I won't be doing anything. I studied last night and plan to study all day today. Depressing. I have had good memories of Halloween from childhood, but due to the fact that i cannot have any candy any more (literally, at all), Halloween pretty much sucks. And I don't like to dress up and get drunk and go to parties. Not my thing.
Yay for studying! o_O
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Clearly, that didnt happen. So every time 11:11 comes around, I'm still at a loss. I go through hard moments in my life and I make wishes/prayers to get me through those moments, but when its *time* to make a wish, I'm like...I don't need anything.
Just something I thought I'd share. I hadn't intended on writing about 11:11 until I logged on to write this blog and it was 11:11, the second night in a row that it was 11:11 right when I looked at the clock.
I did something today that I don't normally do and have only done once before.
Went to a movie alllll by myself.
Lame and pathetic and sad? Probably.
Peaceful and relaxing and .....quiet? YES. :-)
It was very nice actually. Once you get over the hump of walking in by your self and sitting down in a crowd of people, alone, and the movie starts and everyone is absorbed by the movie, being alone is very nice. No one whispering in your ear because they have to tell you something or ask you to repeat what an actor said...No one to yell at you for putting your feet up..( besides the employees). No one munching popcorn in your ear. Just you. And the movie.
Which happened to be, an amazing movie. Seriously, I think the best movie (one of the best) I've ever seen. It was right down my alley- It was Hereafter. I love the psychic realm, and life after death concept. I think the movie was pretty right on as to predicting what happens, but who really knows. THats what I imagine it like at least. But anyway, Hereafter was amazing. Go see it. Except the majority of the movie is placed in London- so everyone has an English accent. And of course me, who everytime I hear someone speak in an accent, I pick it up. So for the whole rest of the night, all of my thoughts have been in an English accent. I wish I was kidding. I had to order from starbucks in half an accent. I wish I could explain how it happens, or that I'm not making it up. I literally have to try hard to remember how Americans (me!) says a word before I go speaking with an accent in front of my friends. It has happened since I was a kid (middle school) and I would hear a friend talk with an accent, and she would think I was mocking her when I started to pick it up, but it really just started coming out that way. It happened in clinical once, when my preceptor nurse was from England, and I was with her all day and then when I popped my head out to ask my professor a question who was across the hall, what accent blurted out to everyone, including my professor, across the entire hallway?
maybe it is something psychological. Or maybe its something physiological- maybe something in my brain is like...switching. I say this because when I came "home" to my dorm tonight, I turned the key the wrong way to get in. And I thought to myself- this is the right way. Is the door already open? No. THis is the right way to turn the key. I had to take a step back and realize it really was turning the wrong way.
Good thing I didnt try and drive the car on the wrong side of the road.
Ahhh I wish I was joking because by publishing this I sound like a total lunatic. Especially from United Kingdom readers, who will especially think I am bogus.
Point of this blog- go see Hereafter!.
~A Writer in a Nurse's Body
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
C'mon, that is SO healthy.
But I'm pretty sure my roommate *might* mind...or the people above me...or next to me...or the neighbors across the street....because hey, I can sing loudly. 0:-)
Even though I have errands to run on campus before my trip home, I am totally not going to because its a rainy day and now that class and career fair is over, I am refusing to get out of my pajamas and slippers and will *not* leave this room. Errands can be run on sunny days.
Oooohh I love rainy days. :-)
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
-gluten free, dairy free kids chicken nuggets with honey mustard (lite).
- ~ 3 handfuls of lite healthy popcorn. no butter.
- ~ 5 handfuls of Baked Lays.
GOtttaaaaa love college. Actually though, its all healthy. I monitor everything and very very very rarely eat junk food. All of the above foods are low in fat and high in other good things. And, I read ingredients of everything so I always know what Im eating. THe most "unhealthy" thing on my dinner list is the Baked Lays, and the ingredients are: dehydrated potatoes, modified food starch, sugar, corn oil, soy lecithin, leavening, and dextrose. So its not great but its not terrible.
I cannot have any dairy at all, I have symptoms even with the slightest amount. So it makes going to my dining hall difficult. So Im spending a lot of my money on going to WHole Foods and Wegmans....and dinners and breakfasts and I guess Lunch too, are difficult...I can't wait to have my own apartment or house and I can stock items that are just for my quirky food habits, and more importantly, I can cook. In college a lot of things are limited because all i have is a microwave.
One day...life will get easier. NEXT YEAR. :-) Ah, scary.
PS- I plan to have special dairy free ICE CREAM tonight and it sucked at first, buut it is definitely an acquired taste and now I love it. YAY. Its cookie dough flavor. (My favorite). THe company is Pure Decadent, to those of my readers that are also lactose intolerant (severe).
Check it out! I first heard about this book in my psychologytoday magazine but the book is not out yet. It looks however, very interesting. I have always been very interested in Indian culture ; and seeing how it has influenced American ways greatly intrigues me. November 2nd!
Monday, October 25, 2010
Ok, done venting.
My second superpower would be to never have to sleep. If i dont want to. And not feel any effects from not sleeping. Of course, sometimes, i love to sleep when I have nothing better to do and I am tired...but it would be nice to be able to pull an all nighter whenever I wanted and not have to deal with the repercussions of that within the entire next week...(i get exhausted very easily). If I didn't have to sleep at all....I could work the whole night, I could get so much more done...its quiet at night too. I could read...study...or, I could do pleasurable things like paint, or draw or catch up on TV, while day can be reserved for all study time. THere just isnt enough time in the day.
Im not interested in any of the typical superpowers. Speed, mind reading, invisibility, strength.....Im really just after intelligence. And its not just because I want to excel in my nursing program...its just for me. Its frustrating knowing I ALREADY READ something and I have to re-read it four more times before it really sets in, or how easily i forget things, or that I feel like I will never know anything about anyhting. I think of myself as a sponge. I want to learn as much as possible because I love to learn new things...I just wish I could remember what I learn. :-(
I will always say 'medium' until I get out of the country. Otherwise I feel fake.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Shower, work, eat, sleep, repeat.
Friday, October 22, 2010
I wonder when kids play with Legos or blocks, if they have a particular idea in mind? Or if they are just putting pieces together and imagining what it is they have now put together? Or if they are just put random pieces together just to see if they fit? Who knows. Maybe each kid is different. Maybe they are doing all of the above. I think they are creating as they go, because kids are strongest in imagining. I think for kids, one object can morph into many as long as they use it differently. Ryan, the kid I babysit (he is 3) made a tower of blocks, a single line of small blocks that went straight up. Id put in a picture, but my phone only let's me put in one pic per blog. Anyway, I consider myself to have a strong imagination. However this is a list of the things I would think this line of blocks to be, ( the mind of a 22 year old):
- a tower
- a building?
- a snake maybe, if you lay it on it's side?
- a tunnel?
Then I interviewed Ryan who was building next to me. What is that?
- first, word for word, it was a "master inside" ( I'm still working on figuring out what he meant)
- next he put it on my head and it was a funnel for my brain, lol.
-next he added a piece and then it was a dragon in an airplane!
The imagination kids live off of just fascinates me. They have nothing else- no clouded mind of an adult. They aren't clouded by concrete thoughts that bother adults- that a line of blocks can't be a dragon in an airplane. We think logically because that's what we know and that's how we are comforted.
Sit down and with Legos and make something. Anything. Do you find yourself creating something you have in mind? Or creating as you go? The first time I sat down with the kids to build, I wanted to build an airplane and I found myself frustrated because it didn't really look like an airplane. But today when I started to build, after many many times of building the last couple months, I noticed something different. I just started putting pieces together and hoped for the best. I loved it. So much less stressful.
I think we could all use this as an analogy in life as we go about our day. Maybe it's not so important to go about a task with a specific idea in mind, but more important to keep an open mind and to put pieces together. Let your subconscious create and watch what happens. Let go and try it sometime...
I would love to interview many different types of people as to what a simple Lego creation could be. I would ask a toddler or two, an elementary school student, middle school, high school, college, adult (single), adult (married), adult (with children- young), an elderly person and lastly, an elderly person suffering from dementia. I think that would be an interesting response. I would love to create this study. It would be a lot of fun. :-)
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
No update on the painting today...hopefully I get a chance to work on it later. Today was spent cleaning the house. Why? Because we had a wedding client scheduled to come over tonight and they had to cancel. So, we have a clean house at least.....I like cleaning actually, as long as I can have headphones in my ears and my favorite songs in my pod, and have people (or no people) in the house that totally dont mind me singing, I really don't mind scrubbing floors or counters or toilets or doing laundry. Bring it on, dustmites!
You are fantastic, Maroon 5.
Monday, October 18, 2010
So tomorrow I got an appointment to go see a Holistic Healthcare provider-but not as a patient. I got in to ask her some questions about her profession and what not. I'm nervous but excited. This is step one of many, many more to come to a full career choice. This could make or break it for me, although I'm pretty sure it would take a lot to "break it" considering I am pretty positive this is what I want to do.
THese are the questions I plan to ask her:
- Introduce myself; where I go to school, I'm a senior; where I do clinical rotations.
- I am very interested in holistic therapy, but have a lot of questions- where to go, how to start my career.
- Where did you get your degrees? What were the degrees? Do you have any other recommendations of good schools in area?
- Do you think holistic therapies are catching on in America? Do you think there will be a rise in interest in the next couple decades?
- What kinds of jobs would be available to me? Hospital positions? My own practice?
- Do you primarily diagnose conditions or do you primarily treat existing conditions & symptoms? Do people come looking for a second diagnosis? Only symptom treatment?
- How many patients do you see per day? (average)? How long do you spend with each patient?
So hopefully all goes very smoothly tomorrow and I do not run in to any problems. I am very excited J
I'll keep you updated!
~A Writer in a Nurse's Body
It's fall break. I passed my test. I have a week off. What does that mean? I can relax a *little* and just...paint. Keep in mind this is the FIRST photo. FIRST. I just started this one today. I'll post updates :-)
The whole left side is going to be B&W and will drift slowly into color in the water .
Saturday, October 16, 2010
I made a pact with God that I would go to church tomorrow If I passed. Is that morally wrong? Probably. Me and God chat, I just don't usually go to sit with him in church. But I am tomorrow. I guess he really wanted me to go to church, because I got an A. :-)
Also, it was my grandmas 80th birthday party today which went fantastically, (despite my parents fighting most of the day) but YAY for everything else running smooth as a bell. Are bells even smooth? I guess so.
Also, I have the whole rest of the week off from school so YAY! What does that mean? Start studying for test 3!! I know, neeerrrrdd. 0:-)
Friday, October 15, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Then there are those people that don't make it. Don't recover. I have had a ton of experience with death, mostly at work. This summer I walked in to a room and the family asked me to verify if she was dead or not...she was. I did my first post-mortem care when I was only 18. I have had over 50 deaths, I would guess. I have seen people take those last breaths.
In our country, we fight. We fight for our survival, its in our blood. We fight diseases. Doctors fight bacteria, viruses. But how much is too much? People go through so much to survive, and even so some will never get better. Elderly people that fall ill that never expressed wishes beforehand, and resusitated and intubated and kept on machines, sometimes for months. BIllions of dollars are spent just keeping people alive on artificial machines. They are suffering. Some are afraid to give up...some have families that are afraid to give up. Some don't know how to say to themselves that they are facing death.
I recently had a friend of a friend that lost his uncle from an inital injury and a long term battle of disability and illness thereafter. In trying to make both friends feel better I made a comment, "At least he had the kind of death that he knew it was coming and his family got to say Goodbye. Isn't that better than losing someone you love in a car accident?" when the last words you said were "Can you pick up some milk?" or "Don't be late to Jenny's soccer game?"...
But then I thought about it in silence. Which is better? When a patient and their family member(s) find out they are going to die, the grieving process begins. THey either start fighting or start...living, and dying. But it has begun, and the death looms in the air for as long as the patient lives. The sickness causes suffering, pain, unpleasant living conditions (chemo?), and the patient is unhappy...to gain what? A couple more months?
Don't get me wrong...I am all for fighting, for giving everything the medical community can offer if the patient can make a full or almost full recovery. THey will get better. Maybe a baby that has a life to live yet, or a teenager...or a parent, or even the elderly. If they have life to live yet and will get better. "Better" means a lot of different things to different people. Some people refuse to live if they can not go on their run every day, or walk. Some would go clinically insane if confined to a bed. Some end up stuck in a coma. Some have mental disabilities (stroke, hypoxemia, heart attack...). Those things might be too disabling for some to be happy, others not. Some would stay perfectly content living in a bed if they could watch tv all day.
I believe in the mind. My opinion is that the mind, to me, is most important. I would not be able to live without my complete mind. THat is worth living for, for me.
I don't believe in prolonging people's lives if they are never going to get better, or if they are going through pain, unesscessary pain, just to continue living for another month. During the last couple months, they should be enjoying themselves with their families, at home. Die naturally, that is what I stand for.
Dying naturally beats living artificially.
But I am too afraid to voice these opinions in my nursing classes. If i try I get these odd looks, mostly from professors that think I am all for Euthanasia and cutting living cords prematurely, the next Cullen case. I'm not. Cullen ended people's lives prematurally because he thought their life was not worth living for, that they were living artifically or for no reason. He ended peoples lives against their will, before they gave consent to be ready to die. That was not in his power, nor would I ever intentionally kill someone because they wanted to die, or because I thought they would be happier dead. So I don't want professors thinking they shouldnt pass me because they think I will be the next Cullen nurse. I stand for being happy when you die, to die naturally, to let life take its own course and die at home with your family, when your body is ready.
I would like to end with this great quote, "The simple view is that medicine exists to fight death and disease, and that is, it's most basic task. Death is the enemy. But the enemy has superior forces. Eventually, it wins. And in a war you cannot win, you don't want a general that fights to the point of total annihilation. You don't want Custer. You want Robert E. Lee, someone who knew how to fight for territory when he could and when to surrender when he couldn't, someone who understood that the damage is greatest of all if all you do is fight til the bitter end." Atul Gawande- "Letting Go". **
THat sums up exactly how I feel. You Kill more soldiers if you fight a war you can not win, to keep them fighting until there are no soldiers left. I understand that some say, 'but you can't just give up...you have to stand up for what you are fighting for.' we just need to take a step back and think about what we are fighting for.
If you would like to read the very good article:
Ta ta, thanks for reading my depressing topic choice for this evening... night!
~ A writer in a nurses Body.
I'm pretty sure I went overboard on studying. And yet I still don't feel ready. Big exam in t-20 minutes :-/
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Right now, It's Orange Juice.
Yep. I am pretty sure I have gone through at least 4 of the OJ cartons in the past week and a half. It tastes mighty swell. But, I know that usually in about 2 weeks-a month, this addiction will pass and I'll move on. I remember sophomore year in College I went through this extreme addiction to mandarin oranges. (Is anyone else picking up an orange phase?- I just noticed that..) Its funny because I really despise the fruit. I also went through a Tetris and Scrabble addiction that year. Last year Farmville hit pretty bad, done with that now. ( I know- its depressing.) ((depressing that I was addicted- not depressing that its over!). A couple of months ago I went through a "Fun." addiction- thats a band. I literally listened to them every second I possibly could.
But for now, It's Orange Juice :-)
It feels more and more real every time. When will they go away? I've stopped recording them- i feel it only encourages my mind to keep bringing it back.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Do you ever wish you could take a happy moment and save it for later? A happy scent? A happy thought? Happy conditions....happy weather? A happy moment?
OK my first (and maybe only I really can't predict the future) example is this:
It's a beautiful day out. Absolutely gorgeous. Blue skies. Not one cloud. Perfect temperature. Perfect breeze. People tossing footballs outside, laying on beach blankets because hey, it has rained for the past 3 weeks and today it's gorgeous. Of course, it makes sense that you have to spend some time outside. It is so overwhelmingly happy that you just dont know what to do with yourself. Part of you wishes that you could capture this perfect moment...so you can save it for later. So when youre having a really bad day, you can open up that bottle and enjoy a little bit of what you saved. But life isn't like that. It's jut sometimes, i wish I could spread the joy out over a longer time span. Like on that gorgeous day you are happy for that moment but you know that dark days ahead, an pretty soon you're gonna want nothing more than to be back on that perfect day. When you're stuck in the middle of your worst day, how many of you have said, "oh my, I took that day for granted. I am having the worst day ever and how much would I rather be sitting on a beach blanket ?
Then there is another aspect. Let's say it's a gorgeous day. But it's Bren gorgeous for the past two weeks too. Rain however is in the forecast, soon. So you know that you should stay outside and enjoy this day but man, you're a little tired with it being gorgeous. Too much joy. I've been there. And part of me really just wants to go in my tiny room and open the window, put on my sweats, crawl under the covers and study there instead with a cup of tea.
The point of a gorgeous day is to make you happy. To help you enjoy this day given to us. But what if snuggling under the covers, "wasting" the nice day, makes you equally as happy? But there is this nagging thought that itches at you to get your ass outside because it is too nice to be inside. Maybe it's because I come from a childhood generation where that was a rule. My mother never let us stay inside if it was sunny out. Heck, one day I was home sick from school and we went outside together because it was sunny. We always played outside when we could, and enjoyed the rainy rays inside and that was that. Do I have this innate rebelling thing that wants to therefore crawl under the covers because I spent so many years outside when it was nice? Or do I feel guilty and unhappy for staying inside because of that?
Then there are those times when life Is just so great. Or you are experiencing something that you want to remember forever. Whether it be that you're at a concert and it is friggen awesome, or you are taking pictures in an old village. I have moments where I'm like, wow I wish I could find a way to just replay this whenever. It is a moment so good and you know that you will miss it and want more details about that memory... Later on.
Well that's it for now. I've had this blog idea in mind today and I finally decided to act on it because today I was riding on my bike, and the temperature was perfect, and I love my bike, and I wanted the moment to last forever....
P.S. - as I was writing this, I was sitting outside my library with a lot of other people and it was gorgeous night, and the nighttime lights were on, and it was so perfect and happy. Then, it started raining. Just sayin.
P.S.S.- the picture I attached is from the other day when I was biking and I stopped to sit on a bench down by the lake and it was just picture perfect. I had to take a picture to help me remember :-)
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Then he brought up a rather interesting point (later on in conversation) that he felt sorry for Americans because it was harder for them to be more cultured. Most americans never make it out of the country, because it is so big. He was saying that for him it is a 3 hour day trip to Italy, and that him and his friends go all the time for the day or weekend. I told him the equivalent type trip here was going to the end of our own state, the jersey shore (~3 hours). That is just unbelievable. So he said that it is normal for many Europeans to travel to other world cities for a day or weekend, and that many europeans were well versed in other cultures and languages because of it. It is nice that America is so big but I am rather jealous that he could reach so many places in Europe so quickly. It takes multiple days just to drive to the other side of my country. Half the time I can't even identify what state goes where on the map or the capital of each state or anything. Our country is rather big. I learned a Lot of other unique culture aspects from him and I am so glad I got to talk to an out of country transfer student! Very very cool. I love learning about other cultures from someone who had actually lived it, rather than just from a text book. :-)
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
In terms of how to approach school. I am trying so hard this year and I think other people are taking it the wrong way. Like I'm trying to be a suck-up overachiever. I think one person inparticular is taking it the wrong way. I hope not :-\
Really, I just feel insecure and not confident about my intellectual abilities and I just want to do well in my nursing course this year and I am trying so hard...Is that a bad thing? :-(
Oh, and relating back to my Puzzle piece, my mom told me yesterday that When I was only 15 months old, I was like amazing at puzzles. Like, big puzzles. She thought I was autistic. THats fantastic. Well, good to know I was good at putting puzzle peices together then. -_-
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Friday, October 1, 2010
This is how I feel with my entire life right now. I feel like I am trying to put together all these pieces, matching halves to make a giant collaborative whole. But everytime I search for "another half", all I find is another piece that needs to be fixed or needs attention or needs its half. I guess it's sort of a silly analogy and it's certainly an analogy my age group can relate to. We are all putting together our whole lives right now and frankly, it's scaring the s*** out of me. :-(