A Story and a Dream

"If theres any body out there listening to me, all I have is a story and a dream. Here I am, and thats all that I can be." -Tori Kelly

Hi. It's me. I'm writing again. I'm here.

I've been thinking about this blog for a very long time. It started in 2009 and around 2013 I lost my drive, my writing mojo. All together. I tried so hard to keep it all together and as my nursing career was starting and going strong I began to lose the writers part of my brain. I began to feel burnt out as a nurse after my 3rd year and it started to consume my entire life, my entire brain. It made me not want to write anymore. I didn't feel like I had anything to say. For awhile I tried making 1-2 posts a year but that just made me feel even worse. Even more guilty.

I guess part of me didn't know what to say and the other part of me didn't want to let my audience down. I worked so hard bringing this blog to where it was, gained so many followers and internet attention as It was being born- and then during my block- sometimes I would think of a post and instead of just going with it like I used to- Who cared what people thought?- I would filter it and ask myself, is this good enough for my blog? And usually I'd talk myself out of it or then find myself too busy to log on and try so the thought wouldn't come to fruition. The evil cycle continued.

However lately, my life has taken many strange and exciting turns. It has been a rollercoaster, to say the least. Like I said, I've been thinking about this blog and have desired to start it back up for quite some time now. But again thought to myself, do I have anything to say? But now I have realized within myself- the same self that started this back in 2009 that who cares what people think? This is my blog, my writing, my self. Lately I've really started paying attention to myself and reacting and standing up for myself and whats right. So from now on I will write what comes to mind and if it bores you then great, find a list to the right hand side of my page with other fantastic blogs you should go read. I need this. I need this blog now to be an open space for me.

So where is my life now? Where is my career? In recent exciting news, I have gotten married! Yeah! Crazy. I married a wonderful gentleman back in October. To say the least, it's been an incredible but very busy fall! I thank fates and heaven every day for my husband and this wonderful man, even though i'm pretty sure he doesn't even know how thankful I am for him every day. I try so hard to be a "good wife" but its not in my genetic code to be very wifely. Once in awhile I pull through for him though. ;) He's so patient with me, takes care of me, encourages me, inspires me, questions me in a good way, watches out for me, protects me, and loves me so much. Just the other day I was explaining to someone else that found them self in a rather new relationship- the friend asked me how I knew this man was the one- I said because we can read each other's minds. Although that sounds telepathic and futuristic- Its true! We can't actually, but we almost always know what the other is thinking.

We haven't been able to take a honeymoon however, much to our dismay. Why? That leads me to my next exciting news. My career took an exciting change for the better in August. The Hospital Network I work for has recently decided to adapt a new electronic health record system. For privacy purposes, I won't outwardly say which one, but if you know anything about health informatics and what system is currently sweeping the entire nation- you can probably guess which one. In August I was selected to come on to a team of trainers to teach all the nurses and care assistants in my entire network on how to use this system before it goes-live. So even though I had spent the last four years on the nursing unit at the patients bedside, I decided it was time for a "break" from the bedside and to follow my heart into healthcare informatics. Although I had never really been a trainer or teacher of any kind before August, I dove right in and for the last few months have been teaching nurses!

My mom is a sixth grade teacher. Growing up watching what she did every day, I didn't think I had it in me-the strength to do what she did. I admired her but didn't think I ever could do it. But, it was what I faced at the time so I jumped right in and started teaching! I soon found out after a few bumps and practice runs that I actually loved to teach! Sure I had a ton of challenges and challenging people (turns out teaching adults is very hard!), but that feeling of sharing your own wealth of knowledge and seeing other people "get it", is very rewarding. I even had a student tell me I was the best teacher he has ever had, including nursing school, and grad school. Go figure!

I knew I was good at it and ran with it. I was good because I was a nurse, teaching nurses. I understood what they go through on a daily basis, because I went through it all too. I understood what I needed to teach them in order for them to be successful. I was able to relate to them, tell stories about my own nursing care, give examples and scenarios on how this new system will make *our* lives easier as nurses. It was the perfect recipe.

So that whole process of going-live with the software? Yeah, that starts tomorrow. I know I am prepared because being a trainer, I know the system inside and out. However I start my journey back on the patients bedside during this whole process, my trainer/teaching time opportunity is thus far all done. So the next couple weeks/months will be stressful at best as we all cope with this very big change in my network. I am personally excited, even though I know it will be stressful. I am excited for the end result because I know the system will eventually better our patient care, give us more time with our patients instead of unnecessary charting. Just, in time. Everything good happens in time, right ? Something like that?

All that time all fall in the classroom has also inspired me to *finally* begin my Masters of Nursing program at a local university, in Clinical Nurse Leadership. I start in a week and a half and I am sooooooooo excited, but also nervous! I LOVE school, and I LOVE to be a student, and I am such a nerd because I honestly seriously do LOVE to learn new things. I want to soak up all the knowledge in the world, the only trick is remembering it all! And paying for all that knowledge. -__-

So upcoming between my return to the unit and starting school, I will have a ton to write about! I will also need this venting space now more than ever. I don't know how I will find the time, but somehow I found the time during my Bachelors program so I can find it now too.

Also in recent months, my beloved 85 year old grandma and best friend, has moved into my state! I tried for it to be the same town, but two towns over isn't too shabby either. She used to live in Long Island, New York, and on a good day it was 3 hours to go see her. On a bad day, up to 6 hours. With her increasing age and frailty, that was too long to travel on a moments notice. So the past couple months has been lots of realty and picking things out and spending time with lawyers, but best of all spending more time with my Grandma. She moved December 10th and I have been able to spend so much more time with her since. I already considered her my best friend prior, I have since I was a child- but even more so now. I am able to get to know so much more about her, and her I. The best part is with all this time spent with her, I felt inspired of all her tales about her life that I wanted to write about it all. So I'm writing a brand new, fresh start, new book. I know I've said that before, but this one feels different... It just does.


Well, this has been a long enough first blog back. I work all weekend as we "go-live", but I assure you after this weekend, I will post again to tell you all about how that all went down. Probably with a glass of wine. ;)

For the followers that still follow, thank you from the bottom of my heart for still having interest. For any newcomers, welcome!


With love,


A Writer in a Nurse's Body


P.S. That quote up top and the title of my post. There's a (small) story to that. As I tried to muster up the courage to come on here and write again, as I loaded the webpage, a song by Tori Kelly called "Where I belong" came on and I heard these lyrics and it was exactly what I needed to hear. Because thats exactly what I think, what I am, where I belong. I am just a girl with a story and a dream.

Resolutions from 2011

Hey all! So, if any of you pay attention to whatever I write for new years resolutions, you should know that I annually dissect my past resolutions and make new ones, yes? Well, this year I have been astronomically busy (literally, like every second) up until the new year. I have also taken it upon myself to travel this new year holiday and am in Michigan (still am!) and therefore was travelling on lots of airplanes on the day I would normally have done this post. But alas, here it is, last years resolutions! Next post will feature next year's (2012!). Be excited. The Italicized paragraphs will be the actual made resolution, and the real writing is me talking....now. Got it? Okay.




1) I want to learn. I feel like such a dumbass either when I'm talking to smart people or when I'm trying to do something by myself (usually something simple) and I realize that I am not capable of living on this earth and cannot do anything. And that seriously bothers me! I want to know, I want to be able to talk about the Health Care Reform. See, I don't even know if that should be capitalized or not! I only JUST learned LAST YEAR that you put TWO spaces after every period when writing a paper. WTF? Anyway, its not just politics. I know nothing about religion. I want to know, though. But every time I try and read bible stories or pay attention in church, I get extremely lost and give up and start thinking about fun colors and songs in my head. Yesterday when I was babysitting, I was cleaning up their house toys and found this book that was "Bible stories: For Children" and I was like, oh, this is totally what I need. So in the middle of my child-watching duties, I was all like, hold up- I have to read this book and catch up. It had all the stories. But unfortunately, kids are crazy and get into everything and I could not keep reading, nor could I realistically steal it and take it home for later reading. So, politics, religion...Shakespeare, literature, famous people...famous bands, famous movies....Stuff that people know. And thats just what people talk about. The other day I had to google whether or not I could use olive oil to make eggs because I couldn't find cooking spray. I also had to google how to use a real tea kettle and not a water boiler. Do not laugh. I am ashamed. Really. So it's stuff like that. Stupid stuff. Sometimes people ask me to do stuff, and I'm like....seriously? You're gonna have to show me how to do that.So how do I accomplish this resolution? Well...I don't know. I plan to like....read the paper more. I guess. Because that has worldly important things in it, right? I'm already reading a lot of books...even though they are all nursing. So...I guess reading the paper is all I've got right now. And paying attention to smart people when they talk.

WOW. Long enough resolution paragraph?? Geesh. New Resolution: Make next years shorter!
But anyway, I did do well in this one, sort of. After I made this resolution, I did religiously read the paper (New York Times), almost every day, and I loved it. It really made me feel up to date on everything going on in the world,what people were talking about, etc. But at the time I was still in school, and nursing school...well you know, kicks your ass. So I to stop reading it everyday because it was seriously cutting into my study time. I instead switched to a book called "Smarter by Sunday", written by NYT writers, that you're supposed to read a chapter every weekend, and each weekend they teach you about something new in the world....music, politics, history, etc. This was an awesome book, but even that was cutting into my study time and I had to stop. Alas,  since then I have not picked up the book and have not bought the NYT, and this saddens me greatly.

Having moved into my own apartment, I no longer receive the daily local paper ( I actually DID read that daily over the summer). At work, each morning when I leave, I see all 6 of the local and national papers lined up and I glance at the headlines, saddenly (word?). I desperately want to read them all and know whats going on....but lately I've been doing nothing but work, breathe, eat, sleep, drink (water!), and...well, facebook. And postsecret on heavy occasion as well. :-) But you get the point. I've been busy.

However, I have been getting smarter nonetheless. Being on my own now has taught me so much. I am learning more and more about the world and how things work, just from day to day living. My nursing knowledge is increasing rapidly, as every patient teaches me something new. So, once the holiday season is over and things calm down again and I return to my home, I do plan to try and get back into the paper-reading thing, as I do miss it. Plus, I need coupons..... :-)

2) This is sort of a spin off of number one. I need to pay attention to people when they talk. I have ADHD (self-diagnosed) and when someone is talking and talking and talking, especially about a topic that I have no interest in, my ears literally shut off. Its like a defense mechanism gone haywire. It is really bad, because while the person is talking about something they deem really important, I am thinking about oompa loompas and prairie dogs and green things and how i should eat more vegetables and fruits and less carbs but then what kind of carbs? Why are carbs that bad, actually? Shit, do i have to babysit tomorrow? Crap. I totally forgot. what time was that? I should get a calendar. and stick to it. And -
"Julie? What do you think?"and I'm all like FUDGESTICKS I HAVENT BEEN PAYING ATTENTION EVEN THOUGH I TRIED REALLY HARD." I guess when the topic doesnt interest me or doesnt make sense, I just stop listening. Solution? Listen to every single word and process what is happening. Get some ADHD medication. Either of those two would work out great.


I have been doing a LOT better with the listening to people when they talk part. Being an actual RN now, It is my JOBBBBB to really listen to my patients. Everything they tell you is a vital, vital clue to their condition. Not only that but patients need to be heard. I've had patients literally tell me, "You know, I feel so much better talking to you. I feel like you are REALLY listening and not just nodding and smiling."  So, that makes me feel good. Since I have been improving that skill at work, it has also naturally transferred to my social life as well. I no longer drone out things that don't interest me from friends. Instead, I listen to everything they say because in reality, everyone is in your life to teach you something. So even if the topic is about Mango-fruit-rabbit ears or something off the top of my head like that, I try to listen because you never know, I could really need to know how to use a mango-fruit-rabbit ear one day.

As for the ADHD, not much improvement on this forefront. I don't like to resort to drugs, I don't. I'm pretty sure I've had the real ADHD since I was 6 years old, and I've survived, so why start now with the heavy drugs? As much as I know I need them...But I have tried Omega-3 gummies, which I guess are known to help improve concentration and focus in children with ADHD. I can't say for sure if they are actually doing anything, or if its just psychological, but I like to pretend that it helps.

The ADHD is tolerable when its just me,doing my thing, chillin mcgillin. Who cares if it takes me 43 hours to clean my room because I can't focus on one task at a time? Its my time and if I want to take 43 hours to organize a closet, then by golly I will. The problem however, is at work, and when I'm with my friends/dates. At work, nursing is NORMALLY hectic for any new starting nurse. But for an ADHD brain, my brain is presented with 14 tasks that need your attention and you have to prioritize quickly. You have to complete all these tasks quickly or delegate them to someone else. This can be hard when naturally, your brain has trouble finishing one task before starting another. So, Its definitely something I have to work on.



3) So, I just had a depressing moment. I just voted on a poll on facebook that was all, 'do you think 2011 will be awesome??" and my immediate reaction was YES! but then, my overthinking, over analyzing self was like....well...actually, no. 2011 is the scary year. Hopefully, an amazing year, if it all works out nicely....but, nonetheless, a year about uncertainty, and graduating, and getting a JOB, and getting through the first couple months of that job...and liking it.....Scary :-\
So I guess I just really need to have more confidence in myself. Just....go with the flow. Fate/Destiny has a plan. It will all be OK in the end...I just have to be the best that I can be...take care of myself, and have days to de-stress. It will all be OK. I hope by this time in 2012, I can look back on 2011 and say "awww, what the heck was I so worried for? 2011 was fantastic!!" My 20's are supposed to be the best years of my life. I hope nursing doesn't prevent that...:( *stress*

Okay. So. Where do I even begin on this one? You might want to get-the-popcorn-out on this one if you know what I'm saying. My brain has a lot of mixed feelings. First things first, 2011 was...............................VERY INTERESTING, to say the least. A lot of people I've talked to have  told me how much 2011 sucked for them. I....don't think it sucked, necessarily. It was a hard year, there is NO denying that. It was a sad, sad year, no denying that. But, It was also a very good year, in so many ways. Lets discuss the major points of this year, shall we? Hang in there with me, It will help me sort my own thoughts out.

• I graduated college! This is big time coolbean worthiness because there were SO many times I made a back up plan on what to do with my life because I was so certain I would fail out of the program. But, somehow, I made it through. I graduated college after 5 years of school, with a Bachelors of Science in Nursing. Woot!
• I also graduated a member of Sigma Theta Tau International, the nursing honor society. I also graduated with a special award for excellence in community health nursing, and a scholarship! All awesome accomplishments.
• I went to EUROPE! This was obviously something I've wanted to do since I was five years old, but never actually thought it was...possible. I came up with the idea in fall 2010 and didn't want to let go of it. And so I did it. Obviously, this was an extreme highlight of 2011.
• When I got back from Europe, I found out my maternal grandmother had passed away while I was overseas. This came as more of a shock than anything and I didn't even know how to begin...mourning away while I was overseas. This came as more of a shock than anything and I didn't even know how to begin...mourning. I was at an extreme...just, shock. And it took me a long time to come to terms with what happened and how I should react to it. This was obviously a low-light (opposite of high light?) of 2011. I miss her.
• Being that my grandmother passed away, this in turn created the opportunity for the entire maternal side of the family (we're a big group), to meet for her memorial service. Despite the dire unusual circumstance for gathering, I still consider this a huge highlight. It finally got 99% of our family together at once. We laughed together, we shared her memories, we hugged, we cried, we caught up...it was amazing.
• After my I got home from that reunion trip, I soon found out that one of my best friends at work was diagnosed with stage IV cancer....and all of us knew she wasn't going to make it. I lost her in the summer. That was really hard, being that It was so quick from diagnosis to death. She was always smiling when I saw her and she was my first friend at work. She meant a lot to me and it was a lot to lose her. It was a lot of all of us.
• In July sometime, I got the unique opportunity to practically do the whole disney world experience for nearly just $300! Sounds like a lot of $ if you haven't been to disney, but if you have, you know that this is an AWESOME total for flying, lodging, eating, park ticketing, etc. One of my great friends from high school is an official employee of disney and was able to let me and my other great friend from high school into the parks for free! You can't beat that. It was awesome, and I got to spend time with two friends I haven't been able to spend much time with in the past couple years.
• Soon after, I passed my NCLEX! This was......the ultimate high, as I literally really didn't think I would, especially on the first try. This was a huge highlight. This, ultimately opened up the rest of my nursing career.
• Soon after THAT, I was officially hired as an RN! I started in September, and obviously it has been a rollercoaster road ever since. This is huge for me as well because I was so scared for this stage in my life to happen. I didn't have any confidence in myself that I would ever be able to do it. I couldn't picture myself actually doing WELL in the field, in addition to not-killing patients. Yay! I am doing well! Huge highlight....so far.
• Soon after, in October, I moved out on my own with a roommate from college! This is AWESOME in so many aspects, and a huge highlight of my life. A huge step in the right direction for the rest of my life of inde-freaking-pendance! Yeah!
• After that, in November, I was officially elected to be a part of the nursing honor society convention. I got to go with my professor from school and do really important cool nursing things. Pretty awesome.
• In general, 2011 has been a remarkable interesting year for love. In this time span of one year, I have lost great love and gained great love. Thats all I'll say about THAT. :0)

So, yeah, 2011 had some pretty interesting points. Unforgettable year, that is for sure. It has taught me so much about life, about grieving, about celebration, about friendship, about love, about independence, about working, about nursing.....

I will never forget this year. But, I am also so, so, so ready for 2012. 2012 just "sounds" like a good year. What can I expect to happen in 2012? Not sure yet...A lot of 2012 will be about saving up money for bigger and better things. It will be about furthering my independence, furthering my nursing career, taking my GREs, looking into schools, etc. And maybe travel? Who knows? Very exciting. Also, end of the world? perhaps? Probably not? So, yeah. Cool stuff.

Okay I hope you're done with your popcorn now, because I am done. I think. For now. You can highly expect I will be adding to this blog in time as I'm sure There are points of 2011 I forgot to mention. But I got the big ones.

With so much love, and thank you so much for reading this year,


~A Writer in a Nurse's Body

To Have Said Goodbye

I'm not sure how to say this....life post-Europe has been great. I have been seeing so many friends, old friends, friends, new friends.......I have been with family around the clock, both nuclear and out-of-state family...and this has all been a pretty happy time. But thats the thing. It makes me undeniably nervous. Nauseous.


With the recent *unexpected* passing of my maternal grandmother, it woke me up. That was my first close relative that has passed away....although I am with and around death so much at work and in other parts of my life, I was never a survivor until now.

It woke me up. It made me realize that we truly do take so much for granted, even if we are good people and don't intend to...Sometimes I think we think we are immortal. We forget death happens to all of us. We forget that our loved ones could die any minute, we could face death ourselves tomorrow and not know it. Any of us.

We forget that. Because its morbid, and depressing....But then the unexpected happens and we are left with not even being able to say goodbye.


This all has made me so jumpy, so anxious, so nervous....that I am going to lose more. If I lost my grandmother, I could lose my other grandmother too. I could lose my father who has a suspicious family history of heart disease. I could lose a close friend. It really has made me realize how fragile everyone is. How fragile I am.

I went to spend a week with my paternal grandmother this past week. Its been a long-due visit....and it shouldnt have been. I should be seeing her all the time. And with my maternal grandmother passing, it has motivated me to just drive out to see her and just....spend time with her. She tells me all the time when I am with her that she feels "guilty" that she is not "entertaining" me, but she doesn't even know that all I want is to just be around her.

With this newfound anxiety and feeling like I could lose it all in a second, I have been acting weird. I am trying so much harder to mentally-record special moments with loved ones I am afraid of losing....and when I can't rely on mental, I have been taking pictures with her too. Just savoring moments, taking it all in in case I have to remember it all tomorrow. Its eerie. I don't like being like this....but is it necessary, sometimes?

Everything happens for a reason. I firmly believe and know that. As unfortunate as it was, my grandmothers death happened for a reason....but what reason?

I guess we aren't always meant to know for what reason, but a reason there is. We just have to have faith.


I said earlier in my blog after it had just happened, that it didn't feel real. That I still expected to see her when I travelled next to North Carolina. To talk to her on the phone, still. To see a comment on one of my pictures on facebook from her. That her death was just a hiccup in her health and it was a quick hospital visit, but she's ok now. I'll see her. But thats not true, and Its starting to settle in now. For my mom and my aunt, they have both expressed it "settling in" when they call their house and their father will never more say, "Let me go get mom".

For me, it has hit in unexpected ways. The other day I browsed through my phone contacts and realized I had my grandmothers cell phone number saved. Did I ever even call it? Just to talk? Also, I was just viewing my blog followers and realized she registered as a blog follower, quite some time ago, so she could receive emails when I post. Its those little reminders that punch you in the stomach.

I feel extremely sad that she was so excited for me to be able to go to Europe...and she only got to see a few blogs. It kills me that she couldn't even have seen a single picture. If I had known, I would have made more of an effort to get pictures up for her to see.....but who ever knows? You can't live your life with the "If I had known...." racing through your negative thoughts. You didn't know. I didn't know. But I know now, and maybe the "reason" for it all is to make me stronger and to realize for the future how fragile life truly is, and to savor every breath, every moment. Say goodbye to people as if you won't see them again, tell them how much you love them. Every time you see them...


As a conclusion to this eerie post, I leave you with an eerie finding. A week or so I stumbled across one of my county college's literature book that I have been published several times in, back in the day. The following poem is a poem I wrote back in 2006, to express the heartbreak of loss. Losing someone close to you. How that feels. It just seemed fitting that I just happened to stumble across it again, now. Like I wrote it for the future almost.....


"To Say Goodbye"

It's Learning
                    To say goodbye.
                                  To look through this fine print,
And see, eye for eye, the impact that has hit.
                    To say goodbye,
Is learning
                    That this is the hardest part of dying.
It's not the pain that comes with it....
                     Not the physical pain.
                                      It's the tearing.
                                                 The Ripping Away,
                                                          At an innocent heart.
                                                                             Innocent?

It's an Anger,
                        masking an inevitable sadness.
                                                           A fear.
                                                           A Hope.
A dream.

                                                           A truth.

It's pretending to be angry, so you don't have to;
                                Cry,
                                Let go.
An anger,
                For leaving us here.
                             For giving up.
                                         For seeing the light.
                                                     Without us.

For knowing that in the end, they chose death,
                     rather than pain.
                                             They chose heaven.
                                             They turned down life.
                                                           A change.
                                                           A chance?

An anger. A frustration.
                You should have stopped them.
                You should have been there.
You didn't say goodbye....So much anger.
You think about it,
                 over and over and over again.
        What could have gone differently?

Would it have been wrong to have asked you to stay?
                                Because of a need?
                                An inability to let go?
                                                    to say goodbye?
A fear?
             Of being alone?


One more chance......

                                     .....to say goodbye.



I love you Grandma. Miss you. Miss your smile.



~A Writer in a Nurse's Body




                         

A Rainy Day In London

Wow...where do I even begin?

First things first, I am feeling a bit better about the recent passing away of my grandmother. Yesterday was an exhausting day of getting up at 430 am, not eating right, waiting in airports, flying for seven hours, and then finding out your grandmother died on top of all that. My original plan was to stay up once I got home to fight jet lag, and wait til bed time to sleep. But considering the circumstances, I showered and climbed into bed, slept for four hours, got up and ate dinner, and climbed into bed again for the next 12 hours. I couldn't think clearly and cried at every attempt to talk, and sleeping was just a way to escape my thoughts. 

I didn't dream last night, and slept right through. I desperately needed that sleep.

Through talking with relatives on that side of the family, I have felt much better. I have had feelings of guilt for having fun in Europe while my loved ones were suffering at home, but I can now see that my Grandmother would not have wanted me to feel upset and that she was so happy I was finally able to go to Europe. I guess I just wish I could have said Goodbye...

I have never had a death before of someone close to me. I have always tried to prepare myself for what its like, because I knew my grandparents were reaching that age, and also- friends or anyone can die at any time from any cause- So I knew I had to be ready....but you can never be ready. You can never prepare for that moment.

I have been able to think more clearly today because it doesn't even feel real. I still feel like I'm going to see her next time I make a trip down to North Carolina. I keep expecting her to comment on something on my Facebook wall with her witty humor. It doesn't feel real, and I guess thats making it easier to get over, but in no way does it make it complete. She is still constantly on my mind and going down to NC in July is going to bring back all these tears once more.

From here on, I just pray for the survivors, my Grandfather and all his children. I pray for my other Grandmother, so delicate and yet so strong fighting cancer in Long Island. I love her more than words can express and wish desperately that she lives a long, long time more. I pray for my parents, sister and friends...



On to a happier note and what you are all excited to hear about (Well, some of you!)...London! Let me think back to where I left off....Ah, my birthday in Paris. The next morning, we got up exceedingly bright and early to catch our train to London. We took the Eurostar...I was really excited to take this because for *some odd reason* I thought it would be like the Harry Potter train where you get separate compartments and even the candy cart comes around and you can buy chocolate frogs that come to life and show pictures of Dumbledore.....Ok, just kidding. I didn't expect the chocolate frog. But I really did think this train had separate compartments. But it was just a regular train. That went very fast and went under water.

Arriving into London was....funny? On the train I was pressed up against the window like a little kid, waiting to see London. Waiting for the magic to happen that I've waited for my entire life. Waiting for the soundtrack to play in my head. Waiting for sparkles or something spectacular. After every tunnel we came out of (there was strangely a lot of tunnels) I kept thinking, Is THIS london? No? What about this? Are we in London now?...I was very impatient.

Arriving into the train station was also pretty comical. All of our suitcases (all 42) were piled on top of one another and had moved during the ride, and we all stood in a clump outside the train, figuring out how to move the first one without them all crumbling down on top of us. How many college students does it take to move suitcases? Apparently 42.

The first thing I LOVED about London was that everyone spoke English and it was perfectly acceptable and normal! It was such a relief after struggling in every country! It felt abnormal and strange that I could just go up to ANYONE and ask them any question. It was a huge relief. I could read signs again! I can watch tv If I wanted! I could overhear conversations! I could order things off menus! It was good times. I kept seeing signs in English and thinking that it was abnormal, because I was used to everything not being in English. I find it greatly astounding and I am grateful that the Fates decided to make me sick and therefore I had no voice (well, a very squeaky voice), because this prevented me from doing an English Accent the whole time. I assure you, I promise I would have done a British accent the whole time if I had my normal voice. But I tried it in my squeaky raspy voice and I sort of just sounded like a sick turtle-duck smoker combination and it was not acceptable so I just shut up and that was so much better. If I had done an English accent the whole time I would have just made a huge ass of myself, guaranteed. Look for example later...

I kept looking for King's Cross, to see Platform 9 3/4, but apparently it wasn't at that train station, and we didn't have time anyway. Bummer.

un-occupied. So off we set for downtown London.. Our hotel was in the outskirts, but we were still able to take the "tube" in, even if the tube was a 35 minute ride (no joke!). AH! The first thing I noticed about downtown was that everyone drove on the opposite side of the road and car! I forgot about this! It was the weirdest thing! I guess London got used to having a lot of pedestrian-tourist accidents because of this, so on each street crossing they have written on the road, "Look Left", or "Look Right". Its sad that I actually relied on these reminders and it helped a lot to prevent me from dying at least 8 times.

The "tube"! Hehe.

London had SO MANY Book Ads everywhere, particularly at every tube station. I found this amazing because in America, you don't see ads for books....you see ads for movies, video games, no smoking, more video games, t.v., more movies, and oh....the big one? Food.

I also wanted to read this book one day so I took a picture :)

We first took a mini walking tour, but our tour director ended early because she was too fed up with how CROWDED London was, and we were all tired and grumpy and complaining and weren't sticking together, so she sent us all of on our own. With this newfound free time, me and a couple friends walked to Buckingham Palace. So pretty! Even just the walk down was extremely pretty. We were BLESSED with a gorgeous day in London, which apparently happens rarely.

A stranger looking into Buckingham palace.... :) I couldn't resist.

EVERYONE seems to love this photo!! I guess its a nice photo!

my only shot of Big Ben! :( Long unnecessary story.

After visiting the palace and walking through the gardens and picking up a sandwich for dinner, we head back to the National Gallery fountain and dipped our feet in the large fountain. This was heaven, as it was a really hot day. The fountain/ Gallery area was PACKED as it was such a nice day. Kids everywhere dipping their feet in and playing in the water...couples sitting together eating ice cream on the fountain, singles reading books or the paper....it was just adorable.

After our lovely feet-dipping excursion, we went back to the hotel to shower and refresh. Then a select few (About 13) of us pre-signed up to go to a Haunted Ghost Walk of London.  This was really fun! This was one of the things I was looking forward to the most before the trip even started, because, well....I like Ghosts, and I like London. We met just as night was approaching, and it got really windy, and it was the perfect ghostly-atmosphere. Our new ghostly-tour guide took us around some of the most-known haunted locations in London, and it was indeed pretty spooky. London has been through so much and is far older than anything in the United States, and has been through many odd deaths and disasters, causing many understandable angry ghosts. We saw this one cemetery that was about 5 feet higher than the surrounding ground. I didn't think anything of it until he said it used to be ground level until they had to stack body upon body over the years in the burials.....creepy! We stopped midway for a special cider drink very popular in London, (I didn't like it it was too beerish, but it was actually very strong and that part was...funny). Overall this was very fun because I was with some of my best friends on the tour, we became closer and shared lots of spooks and laughs together before calling it a night.

The next morning, was a completely free day. My tour director left it up to us what we wanted to do on our very last day, and was leaving us the option to sleep in. Despite being in my favorite city in probably the whole world and what I have waited for my whole life, I decided to sleep in a little. The night before I was extremely sickly again (common cold) and was very deficient on sleep. I needed the extra hour, and was fine with spending the day in London alone because of it. But it didn't work out that way.

I woke up at 930, ate breakfast (the wrong way, and got yelled at, Long story. Too long for this post), and got ready to leave by 11. I knew that since the tube was such a long ride in, that I would be staying in downtown London until dinner time with my tour group, so I had to pack enough to last all day.  Despite being the kind of sick where you just want to stay under your covers all day, I knew I would hate myself forever if I did that. Forever. I had to just get out there and see London, and pay for it later. Before I left, I remembered that the museum I so longed to see- Florence Nightingale- Was here in London but I had no address for it, and no Internet. I tried finding it on map but no such luck. I tried texting "chacha" and they sent me an address in Texas. No luck. This upset me greatly but I let it go since I had plenty else to see and I did not have enough mentality to suffer through being disappointed about the museum.

I got to London around 12, and walked around the National Gallery for an hour or so before meeting up with a free special London tour, the Harry Potter tour! This could brighten my day any day. The tour was a walking tour, taking us to all the locations used to film all 7 HP movies. SO COOL! We saw about 8 locations, including the ministry of Magic, the movie theater they walk under when flabbergasted after apparating into London in the most recent movies, Honeydukes, and most coolest of all....Diagon Alley! So neat. It was amazing standing in the same spots and streets that the beloved Daniel Radcliffe has stood!

I LOVE THIS PICTURE

Diagon Alley!

Ministry of magic....

Ron touched the wall over there!

During this tour I spent most of it with a girl from my tour and realized that we had almost everything in common, and we only realized it on our very last day on the tour! What are the chances!? :(  We made plans to spend the rest of the day together, but as we were looking at her map to make plans, what did I see on it but the Florence Nightingale museum! I politely told her that I HAD to go to this but that I would meet up with her later. So, off I set to the museum!

It was really cool, and definitely worth seeing, but nothing I didn't know before from nursing school. I guess I knew more about Florence than I thought. But the museum did a nice job of displaying the accurate image of nursing, the history of nursing, and the future of nursing. It was very nicely done and interesting. I was pleased. I also got a LOT of souvenirs here! :-) 

Unfortunately upon leaving the museum, the infamous London rain had finally set in. It was pouring, and I was on the outskirts of London again. Fortunately, the "London Film Museum" was very close by and I ducked in to avoid the rain. Upon paying for my ticket, I decided to throw in a little bit of an English accent, and I thought it was pretty darn believable. I think the (very cute) English guy may have even believed it. ...... Then I had to give my license to validate my credit card and what does my license say on it? New Jersey. Big. Idiot. Moment. Of. The. Day.  --_--

After this, I decided to walk to the next bus stop in order to get back into the center of the city. I had about 3 hours until I had to meet up with my group for dinner. Unfortunately this bus stop never came and I got really lost, in the pouring rain, sick, and with tired feet. I gave up on everything at this point and just walked wherever my feet decided to take me, for a good hour. After I got tired of that mindless pointless life choice, I ducked into a dry phone booth and got out my map and made a plan. At this point I had two hours left til dinner. I decided I was close enough to walk to dinner, but that I missed the bus tour that ran city-wide to all tourist attractions and shopping areas. So I had two hours to walk to dinner and stand outside the restaurant in the rain. So thats what I did.

So, I am disappointed in myself for not waking up earlier despite the sicklyness and seeing more. I feel like I barely saw anything of my favorite city and did not do any shopping. I wanted to buy many many souvenirs from London, being my favorite city, and I got none. Seeing every one Else's souvenirs at dinner, and hearing their awesome London stories of the day, I was extremely jealous.

But on the bright side, I got to do the Harry Potter tour, and saw the museum I so desperately wanted to see. Not getting to see much else only gives me a reason to go back one day! Right? :)

Overall, I liked London. I think London was my favorite City in terms of fitting my personality, but I had a better TIME in Paris. This is a big difference. I think the experience you have makes or breaks it, as well as the people you spend it with, or don't spend it with. London has been in my heart forever, and that just doesn't go away after one day.  I will always be in love with London I think, and I will go back, one day. I am mad London came last and therefore I was more likely to be exhausted and sick by then. But thats not Londons fault. And we were blessed enough to have had a Gorgeous after noon Saturday, too.


Tomorrow I have a whole "European Refection" blog and what I learned about myself on this trip. I will be pretty epic and exciting so look forward to it! Also, sometime this week I will go back and implant photos into all the blogs so look for them! :D

~WNB



Thanks for reading everyone, it means so much to me! My mother passed along the message to me that my grandmother liked to read every entry and that means so much. Thank you for all of your kind messages and support, very much appreciated and loved. < 3

Putting a pause on things

Hello everyone...

I lost wifi once I left Paris and therefore have yet to update you on the rest of my trip (London!). I just got home back to the USA and have found out that one of my beloved Grandmothers is no longer with us. Despite having full intentions on blogging tonight about London and then following that with a Europe reflection tomorrow sometime, I will not be doing either tonight and maybe not tomorrow...I just can't even think about Europe right now, honestly. I don't even want to look at my pictures. She passed when I was in Europe.


My grandmother lived in North Carolina and she was a very important figure in my growing up, despite being 10 hours away. Being so far, I only got to visit every couple of years or so, and looking back I wish I could change that now. But we always wish we could change things when its too late. All I can do now is pray and wish for her to be able to look down on us and that she is happy where she is now.

Sorry for the blogging interruption....maybe by the end of  this week...


I love you Grandma C <3 


~WNB