"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"

Friday, October 19, 2012


Hey everyone! I am so sorry, It has been forever since I last posted, it has caused me so much anguish. I feel like a lot of my posts lately start with this apology. It *kills* me that my 2012 post count is like four times less than 2009-2011, what I usually write. Don't get me wrong, I've had plenty to write about, PLENTY, all these thoughts every day race through my head and some formulate themselves into blog posts, some don't. And in my haste of constantly being busy, I just store it in the back of my head and think, "Make that into a blog post one day". But it never happens because I am busy all-the-time.

Here's an example of how busy I am. This week, starting around Sunday, I was so stressed that I gave myself one of those stupid mouth sores, like inside your mouth after you bite your cheek or sometimes stress literally does cause them (my dentist told me that!). Anyway, it hurt so bad to eat, (I had one on both sides), so I kept telling myself, "I should stop at the store and get Oragel or something", and so my counterpart subconscious was like, "Yeah thats a really good idea, do it." So then my other part subconscious in return was like, "Okay I'll put it on the to-do list." ( I have conversations in my head a lot like this, don't be concerned, or do be, its your prerogative). Regardless, I put it on my to-do list. Now stopping at the grocery store to get Oragel might take what, 10 minutes? Tops? Yeah. So from like Monday to today, I have not had *ten spare minutes* to stop at the store. Tonight I finally had *ten extra minutes* because I was *cancelled from work* (otherwise I wouldn't have had time)....and there I am in CVS, about to pick it up, when I thought to myself, "I waited so long to get it, now it doesn't even hurt anymore." So I stood there like an idiot in CVS, alone in the store, staring at the mouth care products. My other part subconscious was all like, "put it back, then. Don't just stand here." But my other part in return was like, "But we might as well get it for the next time you get a canker sore." and then I was like, "Yeah, true." So I got it. Now I just applied it anyway, (can't hurt, right?) but it did hurt because I accidentally swallowed some and now it feels like I'm dying except I can't feel it.....because its numb........

Yeah. Anyway. I'm not dying. Or delusional. Or crazy. I swear. Well maybe a little crazy, thats argumentable. << Is that a word?

And thats just the past WEEK. The past MONTH has been INSANE. Literally, I envy people that say they are bored. I forget what that's like. I forget what its like to READ, to WRITE, to just have nothing to do. I crave a day, an empty day to just do whatever I *want* to do. The problem is that I'm so busy, that when I get like three spare hours somewhere in my day, I'm just like "Oh thank god, NAP TIME", Instead something that makes me happy like reading or writing....or drawing. Even reading nowadays feels like a chore because I have a stack of books that my friends are like "Read this!" And I want to read those, I do! Except I have "homework" for two classes I'm taking for work this fall. So when I sit down and "read", Its about EKGs and ACLS. Super.

But I truly have been meaning to update my blog community for a long time now, the last thing I want to do is lose my amazing readers. The only reason I am writing right now is because I have twenty spare minutes, because my computer is so slow, and its trying to upload photos to my website that are from 1 of 2 photoshoots I did this past weekend. Phew! Also, because I got cancelled from work.

A lot has been happening....Like, a lot.

First of all, I think I mentioned this in a post in August or September, but the nursing unit I was hired to work on as a starting RN (surgical oncology women's health unit) closed down due to lack of patients. It closed down in August and we all thought it would be temporary, a week or two perhaps, a month tops. Just until we could keep the patient census up again. Meanwhile we had been made an unofficial float team, floating around the entire hospital. Not having a home got real old real fast, so they gave us a permanent home on the Medical/Surgical unit, putting a bigger number of people at "risk" for being floated (not many people like to be floated). But due to patient census not improving and one floor adding on a whole other units worth of staff, a lot of people were getting cancelled or floated still. Now, I am financially stable, enough so that I don't mind getting cancelled at all, I enjoy the surprise night off! But some of the older nurses with families, kids in college, etc., they need every last penny and don't enjoy getting cancelled, especially when its all the time. So they had too many complaints. Well, a month later, in Mid-September, they announced we were officially closed down (my old unit). In result, to improve the surplus of nurses and lack of patients which leads to cancellations and floatation's, they asked ten nurses to leave the hospital and transfer to another hospital in our network.

Now I saw this as a BIG open window. The hospital they want us to move to is not only gorgeous (practically a hotel), but its brand new, with *amazing* technology. I saw it being built from the ground up and daydreamed about transferring there, but never thought it could actually happen. I figured they'd have nurses at the front door begging to work there. So, I applied, I interviewed, and I'm waiting for a call back this week!!! I would still be on a Med/Surg floor, so it's not going to be glorious. It will be the same stuff I do now, just different setting. But that's okay, because as *hard* as my job can be sometimes on Med/Surg, I cannot even begin to explain how much I learn, due to the extreme variety we see. I can have 6 patients and not only can they range from 18- 105 year olds, but they can range from meningitis to cellulitis, to pneumonia, to COPD, to respiratory failure, to Acute Renal Failure, just to name a few. Med/Surg nurses see it all, all body systems. As much as I know I am destined to one day change the entire nursing healthcare field, I know I need to build my roots first. I need to stack my building blocks of knowledge first.

So thats exciting! I'll post again about whether or not I actually get the job.

The other exciting big change in my life is that I applied to graduate school! I'm waiting to hear back from them as well. If I get the new job, it will be a weekends nights position (I would work all weekends, but get mon-Fri off), allowing me to go to school during the week. Win! So I'm deciding between which to major in, Nursing Administration or Nursing Leadership.... I know in the past I've talked about Nursing Epidemiology or Nursing Informatics, and I still want to do that in the future. However those specializations I can get as certifications, after I make the building block of my MSN. So super exciting!

Being that School wouldn't therefore start until January, I would have until then to work on/ maybe finish? my novel, finally!

I'm working on not being as busy, that is key. Part of me likes being busy, it gives me purpose and drive....but I hate letting my friends down when they ask when can I hang out next, and I say......Hmmmmm....in three Tuesdays?? I feel like I'm already doing so much and then someone says I'm not doing enough. So I'm working on it. I'm excited that If I start this weekend position, that opens up a lot of time for me and I can write, which makes me happy.

Lately I've been doing a lot of questioning if I'm in the right field or not...it usually comes to me when I'm in the middle of a crazy shift and I think, "Am I meant to really be doing this?" "Is this making me happy?" But then I have a patient that tells me such high compliments that it makes me wonder how I could have thought I wasn't in the right field. In the past week I've received three compliments from patients. On the first one, I was just hanging an IV bag and making sure all her IV lines were where they were supposed to be. I had just spent awhile with her making her comfortable. She was a 40 something woman with very advanced cancer. And in the middle of the silence she said, "I can't tell you how much everything you've done tonight means to me." I looked at her kind of like, what? And she continued, "You are a great nurse but there are a lot of great nurses here, but you have that extra touch. Like that extra sense of knowing what I need. I just want to say thank you and that it means so much to me." Another patient, I was helping to feel better after she was crying due to a long day of testing she had had in the hospital. Later, when she was feeling a bit better, she told me out of the blue, "You know, you're in the right profession." It made me smile.

So, I've got a lot to work on coming up. A lot of change happening this year. But I have faith. I just have to breathe.

Thanks for reading,