Thankity Thanks Thanksgivingsly Thankful

Hey everyone! So although I don't get to post much, it wouldn't be thanksgiving without my annual thanksgiving post. It has after all been....four years?

So my personal tradition annually is to list things I am thankful for each year. Just like my traditional new years resolutions, I don't really do it for others to see, more so for myself to see each year and watch myself grow.

What am I thankful this year? Where do I start?

I am so thankful to have had a very successful first year in my first house! No disasters, no fires, nothing bad so far. Just a couple ghost sightings (friendly!) and lots and lots of house improvements!

 I am thankful for having a big-girl job that pays me well enough to be able to afford all of these amazing improvements to my little humble house. Every day I thank my lucky stars that I am decently comfortable.

On that note I am also extremely thankful for a job that although comes with some drawbacks, I am so blessed to be able to have the schedule I do and go into work every weekend and see what I can truly call some pretty awesome friends. My weekend co-workers and I are a true team, we help each other out and don't let anyone drown and that truly makes the difference in hospital nursing, when someone has your back.

I am thankful for my family, all healthy, all loving! My father is absolutely the most helpful father I could ever ask for when it comes to starting up a first year house with lots of necessary home improvements! And my mom is certainly helpful when it comes to critiquing home improvements and help decide on future renovations!

I'm thankful for my healthy grandma that finally got to see my house just a week ago! Although facing severe macular degeneration and hip pains, she strives every day to enjoy life and enjoy time with family.

I am thankful for what is now my year and 3 month boyfriend, Brian.  He teaches me and motivates me every day on how to be a better person. He also keeps my house looking amazing and helps with a lot of improvements as well! What more could I ask for?

I'm thankful for my sister, we've been getting to know each other on a more adult-personal level and turns out she's a pretty cool cat, a lot cooler than when we were 5 ;) I think I'll keep her around.

Speaking of cats, I am thankful for my two most adorable kittens in the world, Ms. Lilly and Belle. Although they at times torment my house and my sleep schedule, they make me laugh every single day and are always there to greet me when I come in the door and always know when I need a hug and some love. And they are cuddly :-)

I am thankful for my own kind heart. I've been facing a lot of adversity lately. I've been feeling slightly jaded as a nurse and I hate that, and I've been going through a lot of self reflection lately. And although many in the world believe the only way to survive is to only think and fight for yourself only, I strive to believe that is not the only way. Through all this self reflection and taking a step back to look at myself, I've noticed the things I do that I consider to be very kind, and I do it out of pure reflex, or instinct. I don't do them for any monetary or personal enrichment. I just help people because that's what needs to be done. I'm trying to spread this attitude and I want others to see that if we just sprout more and more kind hearts, that maybe we can overcome the evil in the world. SO many kind hearted people out there are masked with evil actions because they feel that the only way to beat evil is to be evil themselves. I'm thankful for my acceptance that for at least the time being, I refuse to screw someone else over in any way just for my own benefit.

I'm thankful for my new side job, with Premier Designs Jewelry! Although I never would have guessed I'd be an independent business owner for jewelry (I used to hate jewelry), it has truly been a wonderful and interesting experience, and certainly worth my time!

I'm thankful for my vision, as I've seen what my grandma is going through and it makes me so, so thankful for my own. I do wear glasses and my vision is awful without them, but at least I have no tunnel vision or black spots, I have full range of vision and for that I am thankful. Without my vision I couldn't do three of the things I am most thankful for, art, writing, and reading.

I am thankful for my hearing, for without it I would not have music. Music is my therapy, the only way I know how to calm down and focus. Music Is there for me when I've had a nursing shift from hell, music is there for me when I want to just be calm, be by myself and create art. Music is always there for me and it is my love. Music can do so much more for me than any person.

I am thankful for my studio. Although I haven't had time to be a writer this year, I am thankful for my new space that is just for my studio and I have since created multiple pieces of art that I love. I am thankful for that space.

And most of all, I am thankful for this blog! Woot! I have readers from all over the world and over 50,000 views and you guys are seriously awesome for reading what I just think is my regular thoughts every day.


That's all folks,
love you, all. Miss you, all. I'll write soon. :-)




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Better Than Xanax, Musical Therapy!

This seems to be the current "Calm-me-down" song of the month for me lately....I play it on Volume 60 (really f-ing high) in my car after every shift. The loudness and the awesomosity of this particular version of the song just helps me.....forget all the shit that happened over night. It just helps distract me, get away from the hospital. Back to me, back to reality. Hopefully it keeps working .Its just so AWESOME!

AWESOME.



~WNB



 Lets just say, work has sucked lately. -_-

Where I want to Be

I'm having an off night. Can't really explain it....I don't think I could if I even tried. I guess thats the scary part? But its midnight now and I am drawing and listening to some music and this is helping. If "this" is still happening Monday I will *have* to go to the Doctor even though I hate most doctors and how all of my health issues are subjective. For once It'd be nice if a doctor could see what is inside of me, what I am feeling, rather than what they can see. I get it, for them. I know. I know how frustrated doctors are. Its like stabbing in the dark with patients like me. If they can't see the problem, how is it best to treat? Drugs, drugs, drugs? Ugh. Hardly. I want to go back to my holistic NP but can't exactly afford $180/hr right now.


Drawing helps, it gets my mind away from me. It takes me somewhere else.....when you are able to focus on something like that, whether it be drawing, or playing some sort of video game, or....running, or walking, or painting or whatever, when you can be awake and yet let your mind "take a break" from yourself, from your thoughts, its sort of free to do what it wants. Its like accessing the dream state while awake. Although I am in my present self focusing on my drawing, my mind is a thousand miles away. And then I re-focus and my drawing is 75% done! Nice :) So thats what drawing does for me. Thats what reading does. Thats what writing does. Thats what music does.


Right now, in this present moment, I would really just love to be here:

Bryant Park, New York City


This place, right here.....this place is magical. Everyone who has been there, knows it. Definitely makes my "top five" favorite places...and I've been to Europe.

Speaking of Europe, I'd also rather be back here right now:

This probably marks my favorite place. Luxembourg Gardens, Paris. Which is funny, because I didn't even know this existed in the world, let alone Paris, until I got off the bus and it was right in front of me. But isn't that sort of what makes it surreal? Those special moments when you think you are lost, and you make a turn and you walk into this magical place where all these people are, and you think, how does everyone else know the address to heaven?? And there you are, in the middle of it all. It's perfect, and you are happy. I want to go back.

So, thats that. Tonight is a blast Blue October kind of night. As Justin Furstenfeld puts it, "Just believe in all who shine the light to help you see...'cause if I believe in you, will you believe in me?" from Kangaroo Cry

Goodnight, World. Here's to hopefully a better weekend ahead :)

~WNB

PS- This is my 365th post!!! Ah! Funny since that marks a year, sort of, even though I've had this for two years now. Odd. :-) 

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Have you ever seen this movie? It's one of the best out there...

(Taken from this magical movie place )

Do you ever wish you could erase something from your mind? Would it make heart-healing easier for you? For anyone? Would you elect to get rid of all your heartbreak, if it meant also erasing memories of the two of you having fun together, the good times?

Sometimes I wish I could erase youthings from memory. Maybe then I could sleep; could make it through one day without missing you.

I guess it will just take time to forget, gradually...but Erasing you would be so much easier. I would, if technology from the movie existed.


I need a big change in my life. New surroundings. I need you not to cross my mind every day still. I need a new part of my life that you never had anything to do with. I need something I can call my own, and not "ours". Everything in my room has a backstory connected to you somehow. Places I go, you came with. They are all tattered with your memories. My memories. Ours. I can't even go to my grandmothers house without replaying memories in my head (good memories) of us having fun here, and that goes for everywhere.

I just need to work on replaying the equally bad ones too. Remember why I left. The bad used to override the good and now, in memory, the good overrides the bad...tell me, how does that work?? I guess by human nature, we naturally choose to only remember the happy memories. We forget the rages, the tragedies, the tears, the fights, the heartbreaks, the eternal mistakes.... We don't like to remember those things.

So if my mind can let go of all of the bad memories, why can't I let go of the good? The good ones are depressing, because I said goodbye not only to you but to your life. Your town. Our lake, our restaurant, your dogs, your family. It was like all of that died from my lfe at once. That's a lot to say goodbye to, to say to yourself, "I'm never going to go to that place again or see that person or that dog again." that's a lot.

"I never thought that you would be the one , to hold my heart.
But you came around, and knocked me off the ground, from the start.
You, put your arms around me, and I believe,
That it's easier for you to let me go.
You put your arms around me and I'm home.

How many times, will you let me change my mind, and turn around?
I can't decide if I'll let you save my life, or if I'll drown.
I hope that you see right through, my walls.
I hope that you catch me, because I'm already falling.

The world is coming down, on me, and I can't find a reason to be loved.
It's easier for you to let me go."
-Christina Perri, "Arms"

~WNB

"I loved you on this day"

The Hall of Beer

Ahh, where have I left off!? I have not been able to find ANY wifi lately, so I am typing my blogs as I go so they are fresh in my mind, and then copying them into blogger whenever I can reach wifi, hopefully soon! Therefore, you may find a lot of blogs up all at once. Oh well.

Anyway, I think I left off finishing our night in Heidelberg? Yes. Next day, we were on the road again to Munich, Germany! I was pretty excited because I had heard a lot of good things about Germany, especially the baroqueness of Munich and how beautiful it was…. As a photographer, many of my friends told me I would love it there. And I did, it was nice, for pictures. We ended up getting there way later than expected because of an unfortunate traffic jam, so we missed an opportunity for another bike tour through Munich. So we were at least able to enjoy about an hour of daylight in Munich, walking around the streets.

Some street shots:

We all turned the corner and were sort of just like....woah.

I tried really hard to capture this girl posing all tres chic on her bike, but this was the best I could do...

Special moment! On the subway ride into Munich from our hotel, I got separated from my group of friends. So I sat alone and then random local germans started sitting around me, which I didn’t mind of course—I just stuck to myself and didn’t say a thing. Which was funny, because my friends were all speaking English to each other (obviously) and I wasn’t speaking to them, or listening, so no one could really tell I was an American. So then this old lady enters the subway, and is having a hard time walking. I didn’t notice this until someone next to me gave up their seat so she could sit down, which was so nice. But then for the next 25 minutes I could feel the lady staring at me, intermittently. But it wasn’t an intense stare, it was more of a curiosity stare. I think she was trying to figure out where I was from. After the end of the subway ride, and after I got up, I realized she was still having trouble standing up from her chair. Now this reaction is only natural, as I work with the elderly all the time at work, so I leaned in to help her stand and helped her walk safely to exit the train, and then said goodnight and she smiled. She didn’t need me anymore and so I caught up with my friends. Then I turned behind to look if she was OK, and she came up to me, and spoke a long phrase in german. Due to the fact that I only know how to say “Hello, thank you, excuse me, sorry, etc.”, I obviously didn’t get any of that. So I had to make a really sad face and shrug and say, “English” and pointed to myself. She was sad too, and smiled and walked away to exit the station.  Turns out, two of my friends speak some German for their Opera training, and they told me that she said, “Thank you, Love.”  So sweet!!!! Ahh! Special moment indeed!

A small group of friends and I were then starving. I started to notice that the people of Munich were a lot more “Sketchy” than any other city we had visited prior, even more so than New York City. As dark approached, men outnumbered women on the street, and then men were teenagers to about age 35-40, and all really not trustworthy-looking. Everyone looked at us as if they were waiting for their moment to launch—Looking at the “American” tourist women. So I wasn’t really a huge fan. Being so, I decided it was definitely best if I stuck with my friends that night, regardless of what we would be doing. We decided to grab dinner in one of Germany’s (and certainly Munich’s) most famous “Biergarten", where its just this gigantic hall of wooden tables, and you just sit down and they bring beer to you as if it were the bread before a meal, and then you order food. In case you are having trouble visualizing this, picture walking into Gaston’s bar from Beauty and the Beast, where its loud and rowdy and all the men are clanging their beer glasses together for a toast, and singing, lots of singing. Another friend of mine described it further as the opening scene to Lord of the Rings, but I cannot verify this as I don’t really follow it. So, it was definitely a fun atmostphere. The menu was completely in German and no one in the whole place spoke English, so it was pretty much up to us to just try and pronounce what we wanted over the rowdy hall. It was interesting. We all got served a huge liter of beer. Lets review the fact that being that I don’t drink often, I especially don’t drink beer. I’ve had It once or twice and wanted to spit it out, its just undesirable to me. I’ve heard it gets better after a few, but I had my doubts. However, I ordered a little bit more “girly” version of beer and it was called, “RaBn” pronounced “Rassen”, and it was a mix of beer and lemonade. Suprisingly enough I was able to finish the entire liter by myself, even it took me as long to finish that as it took my friends to finish three. But regardless, I was still pretty surprised I finished. When I looked at it when it came, I certainly didn’t think I would be making a dent. I didn’t even want beer but you are sort of shunned for not getting beer in a beer hall! But it was funny because even after a liter, nothing changed. I expected to fall over when I stood but nothing was any different.

This was after I had 1/4 of it to drink! This is a lot bigger than it looks.

The Ceiling...so cool....

Everyone else then decided to hit a few more bars for the night but I honestly can’t keep up with all the drinking so I decided to split off with a separate group (another couple) and we went off for some German ice cream, and went to this music festival that was actually city wide! It is a festival that goes every Saturday night, and lasts a month long. Every month they change what they celebrate. This Saturday it was the “Night of the Music”. Five tours went separately in different ends of the city and made up to 20-30 stops at local cafes/clubs where different types of bands were playing. Our first area was in a small corner underground of Munich and it was swing dancing! All of the sudden we left the streets of Munich and found ourselves transported in time. It was just like out of a movie, old fashioned swing singer, old and young couples swing dancing with perfection….it was surreal. We then went to a collection of other cafes and heard some lovely different types of music and really got to see the atmostphere of Munich.

Swing dancin' :-)

And then we totally navigated the subway system by ourselves on our way home! This is an accomplishment for me. And its funny because when on that subway, this older gentleman comes up to us, and is like, “You’re American? I’m from Manhattan.” And we were like, “Yes!” And it was funny because I told him Manhattan subways were so much harder, and he said that actually Munich as harder. So, not sure on the level of hardness of public transportation in Munich.

Tomorrow we travel to Innsbruck, Austria (In the swiss alps!) on our way to VENICE, Italy!!! So excited!

~A Writer in a Nurse’s Body

PS- my spellcheck here is only in Switzerland mode so these are not spellchecked. Sorry for my grammar loving friends!!! :(

Discovery

Right now I am sitting on a windowsill listening and watching to the most magnificent and stunning and perfect and powerful thunderstorm ever to kick off the summer. And in more than ways than one, it is very much what I needed. This whole night has been perfect to sort of guide my heart in the right direction of healing, once and for all.

Some of my most fondest memories are of my father And I sitting out on our front porch watching the lightning with such enthusiasm and wonder. To this day we both get over-the-top excited when a fantastic lightning bolt comes through, a tornado warning graces our town or when it just pours or hails.

Anyway, this whole night has been perfect and a night of discovery and healing. I discovered this main site, www.stumbleupon.com , which leads you to all these magnificent other sites based on what you are interested in. Well "writing" is one of my selected categories and it brought me to this one site, www.oneword.com. Which is a sort of "writing exercise site meets human connection meets postsecret". The site gives you a word and all you have to do is write whatever comes to mind when you hear that word and you have sixty seconds. Then it gets submitted and others can read it and you can read entries on that word from people around the world, at that very moment. How fascinating?!

Tonights word was "forgotten". I wrote my first post to the site and I liked it. But some of the other entries were so meaningful and I could relate 100%. some were about wanting to forget things/people in their life, others were about being forgotten by a person they loved/love. I can relate to both. So go check out the site and write your own fantastic little blurbs to the word-of-the-day. :-)

Thank you to my lovely friend tonight that helped mr discover another beautiful thing- Ingrid michaelson. This girl is a friggen musical genius. Basically, she sounds like greys anatomy but her lyrics are just so captivating and her tunes draw you in and keep you listening. LOVE.

It's a good night. May it thunder and rain all night...what a perfect sound track to life...

Illogical Assumptions

Throughout elementary and middle school classes, through history, english, philosophy, we learn the neverending motto of "History Repeats Itself". I used to think as a child, how can history repeat itself? Thats impossible. Well, that was illogical. I then progressed to the stage of learning development to learn that history can repeat itself with very similar situations at a later point in life, because really, this world is small. There are only so many situations that can unfold. So I grasped that. The point of these lessons were to pick up on the fact that by knowing history repeats, we can prevent a situation from happening again based on what we learned the first time. Or, if it does happen again we can better approach/fix it.

But I never thought history would repeat itself in my life.  I thought, I am in control of my life. Why would the same situation happen twice? I won't let it happen.

That was my illogical assumption.

Funny how it all played out, the same character roles, but different people. Different setting. Same exact situation. Same feelings. Same hurt. Same mistakes, same wins, same losses.

Funny how it all happens. Twice.

Lets prevent a third now, shall we?

http://youtu.be/MeW0Sl0tNS8

If you Love somebody

you better let them know.

Some Crazy FUN Times!

So my college sponsored this giant carnival/festival thing Friday night to sort of kick off finals week/fest.  And it just so happened that my magical school MAGICALLY got one of my FAVORITE BANDS EVER to come to the school to do a concert! WHAT!  I stopped by the carnival for a bit and took a couple cool pics before heading over to the concert. By the way, this totally makes up for not posting picture-of-the week for like, a month.



Notice he's on stilts? Climbing a rock wall? Let's just say the police didn't stop him because they were really curious as to what would happen, lol.





Going for the twilight-carnival effect.



AWESOME CHALK MURAL!!! Some serious artwork right there. We take chalk seriously at my school. Be jealous.

 FUN!!!!!!

 STEEL TRAIN- Opened for FUN

I hope this comes out well, if it doesn't I'm taking it down. But this is the lead singer of Fun, singing a clip of one of my favorite songs. And its probably my favorite part of the song, too. :-) LOVE.

This video just demonstrates further how awesome FUN is and how crazy my school is. love love love :)

We were barely 18 when we'd crossed collective hearts.

It was cold, but it got warm when you'd barely crossed my eye.

and then you turned, put out your hand,

and you asked me to dance.

I knew nothing of romance, but it was love at second sight.



I swear when I grow up, I won't just buy you a rose.

I will buy the flower shop, and you will never be lonely.

Even if the sun stops waking up over the fields

I will not leave, I will not leave 'till it's our time.

So just take my hand, you know that I will never leave your side.

                                                                                         - Fun.


~WNB

P.S.- The pics taken with a white border were done using the "Hipstamatic" Photography app on Iphone4. really cool! Check it out! I didn't even edit those.

For this week...

My new musical obsession for the week is Ryan Star. I can't believe he has been MISSING from my musical collection all this time! He is fascinating!! I love it! I hope to keep him around for longer than a week, but when I have a new musical obsession, I tend to play it over, and over, and over....and over....and then it gets really tiring and after awhile I'm just like, blah, and I find something new and I'm like OH! I HAVE TO PLAY THIS ALL THE TIME. And you see where the cycle never ends...



:-)

Ryan Star, everyone. Listen up. Listen to him.

My Soundtrack

I Love putting in my headphones as I get ready in the morning with my ipod playing, and pretending I'm in a movie and this is the soundtrack that is playing. You know how in movies, in the very beginning, the character is getting ready for the day, or walking somewhere, and some awesome song plays overhead?


:-) We have to have some fun in life, don't we??

Today, Maroon 5, is my soundtrack.

Blue October

I had a dream that you were with me ,
It wasn't my fault,
You rolled me over,
Flipped me over,
Like a somersault.
And that doesn't happen to me.

I've never been here before.
I saw forever in my never

And I could only dream of you and sleep,
but I'll never see sunlight again.
I can try to be with you,
but somehow I'll end up just losing a friend.
I can only reach for you,

Relate to you.
I'm losing my friend.

- "My Never"

I owned up, I've grown up, do you remember me?
I showed up and so what if I'm the used to be
I'm here to tell you that I'm sorry I was sorry
But I'm happy that you're happiness is no longer about me

So to my friends that even call but I don't call back
I want you deep inside my heart upon a hill
It seems to hide sometimes and run away and wonder
I'm really sick of saying sorry but I will

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long?

I want to learn to walk with others as an equal
I want to treat the ones who love me with respect
I want to tell the world I'll give them all a piggyback
And try to take away my negative effect

-"Overweight"

Some powerful music. Powerful artists.

It's just a Friday.

I think black Friday is rather silly.

Just another way for Americans to prove they are selfish, greedy and well, stupid. Luckily not the entire country is, but at least 95%. That's a lot of people.

On the other hand, Cee Lo Green, is amazing.

Picture of the week shall be posted today, but I'm not quite sure what it will be yet. I have a picture in mind to describe how I've been feeling for the past 17 years (specifically), but I'm not quite sure I want to go down that road, in a blog.

We shall see. I'm trying to find a happier picture. :-) toot-a-loo!

Relaxing song

PS- I am sitting in my favorite place right now (who can guess where THAT is???) and this amazing song is playing. It is probably one of the most relaxing song I have heard in a while. Thank god for my music analysis thingermajig on my phone, i was able to identify it as "Airplanes" by the "Local Natives"...any one ever hear of it/them?? It made me very happy to hear.


Last night I went to a concert for: MUTEMATH, Plain White T's, and All time Low. I really liked Plain White T's, despite me thinking I wouldn't because I have grown to hate the Delihah (sp?) song thank you to the radio overplaying it. But they previewed some of their new songs on their upcoming album and I may even buy it. :-) MUTEMATH was....interesting. No further comment. :-)

Muse

Its a rainy day...It is pouring outside my window, the sound mixing with the leaves falling and squirrels jumping, the light pitter patter of the rain...and last but not least, MUSE playing next to me, a perfect combination of sound.

Even though I have errands to run on campus before my trip home, I am totally not going to because its a rainy day and now that class and career fair is over, I am refusing to get out of my pajamas and slippers and will *not* leave this room. Errands can be run on sunny days.


Oooohh I love rainy days. :-)

New song

I love when you love a band and then you buy their brand new CD that comes out and the radio plays the same song off it that came out before the CD was released. But you, you got to know and LOVE the whole CD while the rest of the world was still stuck on the first song, and THEN, the radio releases song # 2 and BAM! You're like, hey I KNOW this song and you're all boppin along and it's a brand new song and it's a good choice and you're proud of the band for being so incredibley FANTASTIC.

You are fantastic, Maroon 5.

Music makes me so happy :-)

It really, really does. What else is Out there to turn a horrible day into a bearable day? What else can make you want to dance and wiggle and laugh and smile for no other apparent reason? Music makes you smile just because. Music calms you down. Music heals.

Music shows you that you are not alone And you can relate to whoever wrote the lyrics- it's a reminder that at least one other person in this universe knows how you feel.

Adam Levine**, rob Thomas, nate ruess, pat monahan... Among many many more.

Sound of Music | Central Station Antwerp (Belgium)

THis is the most AMAZING video I have ever seen. This video could cure anyone's bout of depression. Seriously amazing! It made me so happy! I even got goosebumps. I'm going to watch it at least 5 more times. Finally, a happy post!! Thank you Warren for putting it on your blog so I could see this!

!@JO@#FKDHo#*$)#$*)

UGH I just wrote a whole blog, and my internet crashed. Thank you.




the most important point of the blog:

Music helps all. Music is my cure. Writing is my cure. Music heals.

Teamwork

Wow I haven't written in awhile…I think that's because I've been afraid to say how I feel recently. And I still am I think, but this is a good topic that I have in mind. I haven't been in a good "place" (emotionally) lately and have been very unstable. I feel like my heart/soul have been walking on thin ice, and I can see through the ice, as if I were just waiting to fall in, trying my best to embrace myself for the ice. But at the same time also trying my hardest to fight myself and look up—to the sun, to hope, that things will get better soon…Spring is here (or summer really, because NJ tends to skip over spring), and that means a lot more sun. Which is good. It means I can go out for a long bike ride when things get bad with myself…I don't have to remain in my 8 X 8 room when I feel like throwing something at the wall. I think the worst part, is not having a stable person to talk to. On post secret the other week, A postcard came in on the website that really hit home for me. It wrapped things up to a tee. It was a picture of two teens/children talking to each other, and the quote, (taped on by the creator), said "I have no one to talk to about my problems…and that hurts more than any problem I have." The other night I fell asleep crying because I had hit a low point…I don't want to be dependent on anyone, at all, and I think that's a problem with me, because I need someone. I don't like to have to need someone, but I guess I do. Its just too much to have all bottled up inside of oneself. I miss that connection you get with someone else, when you realize you've been going through the exact same problem. I just feel so alone. I feel like anyone I tell my problems too wouldn't understand, and I guess I'm just afraid to try telling them in fear of rejection/embarrassment…or even worse, them freaking out and making a big thing of it. Sometimes all I need is a hug. Human contact…At school, I don't have any contact. Thinking about it now, I haven't been close to another human being at school for…maybe before Christmas break when I hugged my roommates goodbye? Maybe the occasional handshake/ passing something along? I go to class. I sit, I take notes, I come back to dorm, I do work, I read, I do whatever, alone. Everything is alone. But then again I don't want someone there 24/7 because I tend to get annoyed at fellow human beings extremely easily. Sometimes I imagine the perfect person that I need and I imagine what they would say or do to make me feel better. Is that completely psychotic?? Lol.

Music always makes me feel better. I think a big difference in a "chronic" depression and a temporary is this: Temporary- a day of sadness, maybe a week, at most a month, caused by something that makes sense. A death, a break-up? Whatever. But then you do something to make yourself feel better, or someone comes to save you, and you feel better, and it doesn't come back. But Chronic….it doesn't seem to be caused by anything. Like mine…Its just haunting, and there. I do everything I know in my power to make myself feel better (music, reading, bike riding, singing really loudly in my car, going on escape trips, going to barnes and noble, going to see my grandma…going to the beach!.) and these things should be enough to help me out and get me back to a normal state…right? Any sometimes they are…until the trigger comes back to make everything come back again. That shouldn't have to happen, those happy things should be enough to pull me through. I've considered seeing a therapist…but I can't seem to bear the thought. I've had a bad experience with a therapist before, and not only that but the therapists at school are some of my psychiatric class teachers…I can't talk to them. I guess I don't trust someone, a therapist, or anyone, a friend…to take me seriously, but not too seriously at the same time. I guess if I see someone then it forces me to admit I have a problem, and I don't think I'm ready to do that yet. I guess part of me thinks its not really a problem and in time, I'll pull through. I seem to go through stages…and sometimes I can identify what causes a depressing stage, and what causes a happy state, but more times than not, they just happen on their own, despite whats going on in my life. I feel like even when I'm happy, I still have this dark spot, this dark cloud hanging over me, like as if it were waiting in the curtains, just waiting to haunt. Just waiting…for an opportunity? Everytime I drive past a major airport (I live close to JFK and NewarK), I am fascinated by watching the jets land and take off. Sometimes I think that if I could just have the chance to sit on a towel and watch the planes all day, I would be in heaven. I love watching them. They fascinate me. That would be the perfect date, for sure J It just fascinates me I guess to sit back and marvel at how much man has accomplished, by watching these planes, how that many pounds of metal is able to just take off like that, to fly how many feet above us, every single day. Pilots are and always be truly amazing.

The past couple weeks have brought on an excessive amount of stress, in terms of school mostly. I know I am too hard on myself, but how can I teach myself not to be as hard on myself? If anything in this blog, I need to see a therapist for that…I need to know how to lower the standards expected of myself. I can't seem to deal with failure, and failure is what I seem to keep running into everywhere I turn…which causes the depression in a way, (Part of it). Yes, school is a big part of it. I guess I just scare myself into thinking that if Im not good enough, if I don't get the perfect grade, then I won't make it in the rest of my life? It seems so silly to write out…but I think that's how I feel . I think I am looking for something magical, something not real, a person that can't exist, to come find me in my dreams and take me away and help me with all my negative thoughts. I feel like in addition to my own negative thoughts, so many of the people I thought I could originally trust, and love, are criticizing me nonstop. It used to be a case of me having a negative thought and then someone I loved, or a friend, would dismiss that thought and say something comforting. But lately, it seems like this giant conspiracy has been organized to criticize me. And I'm already in a bad place without their help. I guess they don't realize it, they don't see the effect their words have, but an effect do they have for sure. Sometimes its just a joke they are trying to tell, just "making fun" or "laughing with me". But when I'm already so hard on myself with school and facing failures in that department, One tiny little joke about my weight, or something I did or said or my appearance or whatever, throws me off the emotional ledge. And that's not good. What I'm trying to avoid.

But anyway, this all wasn't what this blog was even supposed to be about. But I've been vague before, and I didn't want to be vague again in the beginning, so this all just sort of spilled out. Half of it probably doesn't even make sense. <<there I go again, negative thinking. Why cant I just be honest, say what I feel? DO I really have so much to hide that I can't just write from my heart?

This blog is supposed to be about team work. And I will make it be. Or at least make it end with teamwork. I was listening to a very good song today from my Aunt's choir in NYC, "I'll fly away" was the song, but that's not the point, although that is ironic considering that's what I want to do all the time….But the point is is that the collection of voices that sang this song, they seemed SO happy. I was SO jealous, of that happiness…I wanted what they had so badly. I thought about it, and thought to myself, what is it about what they have that you want? And my answer was quick—teamwork. I do everything alone. I want so badly to be part of a team. I think that is my answer to all my problems. One person can't fix me out there. But maybe a whole team could. I want to be a part of something far bigger than myself. And no, I'm not talking about joining a choir. (Although that would be fun, and fit the criteria for what sort of team I'm looking for--) but I can't sing. What kind of a team then, do you ask? Well…I denied the army nursing. Maybe that was my chance. I see pictures of some of my old friends in the same program I could have been in and I think, Would I have been happy there? Would I be in this place if I had just joined the army nursing? Or would I be in an even worse place? What If I hated it? But part of me thinks in the end, I would have LOVED it….sometimes I think it would have been everything I was/am looking for…but then again, if presented with another opportunity to join right here, right now, would i? Probably not…for the same reasons I didn't sign the damn paper the first time…I get scared of commitment. 8 years is a terribly long time and that scares me. 8 years to potentially go through something I hated…That means I would get out at the age of 30. Its like a prison sentence…(if it ended up being something I hated). If I had loved it, then great. I probably would have rejoined after the 8. So where else can a team that Im looking for be found? I've considered joining Habitat for Humanity, but I'm scared…Why?Oh yeah—failure again. The team has to make sense, it has to fit into my life….HfH would, I guess theres just always an excuse why I don't. I guess I don't want to try it alone?

The last thing I can think of is a nursing team. I hope and pray to God that one day, wherever I work, that I can work in a place where the majority of my shifts are spent with co-nurses and doctors that enhance my personality. People I actually really enjoy spending time with, laughing rolling on the floor with, but at the same time, people I can definitely rely on to know what they are doing when it comes to saving a patients life. I like being a part of a team where I know what the other people are thinking, where we can just work at lightning speed without asking eachother of the next move- we know each other so well that we just know, and do, and save lives. That is power, that is teamwork. That's what I need. I hope, I pray that when I find a job one day that I am not presented with enemies (well, an overwhelming amount at least—I know I'll always have at least one enemy), but friends, love. That's what I need.

Well that certainly felt good…No really. It did. I think a step to recovery is to do my best to come on here once a day and write something, even just a tiny sentence on how things are going. I think that will be a good way of not bottling things up and getting some of them out in the open. To any of my readers, just bear with me…I'm doing everything I know how to do to make things better for myself.