How You Can Save a Life...

....AND save your own!



I am registered with Miller-Keystone Blood Center  to help donate blood in times of need. A couple days ago I got an email that they were in an extreme shortage of blood due to a recent high occurrence of trauma and illness. So right away I made an appointment. Since I have donated before and have been screened, I am a candidate to donate platelets. I also have O+ which is the universal donor- So to me, I feel guilty not donating. I feel like I have been blessed with givable blood- I should give it if I don't need it at that present moment. Plus, you might need it again one day.

Its sort of ironic that the universal donors, the givers in the blood community, are the ones that can only take that one blood type back in. Meaning if you're in your own case of trauma and need blood quickly, they can't just give you any blood. They have to make sure you get O + back.


I love to donate, really. As a nurse, I can save lives every day on the medical floors or on the field. But there is something really cool in knowing that just by sitting there for up to an hour squeezing a ball, I might have just saved three peoples life. While I watched a movie and ate cookies. And anyone can do it, not just nurses, thats the beautiful part. Doctors, firefighters, teachers, businessmen, mechanics, waitresses, painters, you get the idea.

But there is something eerie about it, too. Your blood that ran through your body, got pumped by your heart, filtered by your liver, is now in someone else, running through their system. Part of you is inside someone else. Someone you bump into in the grocery store or drive by, maybe. How crazy weird is that? And whats more weird, what about getting a blood transfusion? I haven't received blood since I was a wee baby and needed it to save my life, but I can imagine it must be weird. Someone elses blood running through my veins? Weird!

I hold blood all the time in the hospital when I go to pick up blood bags from the lab, ready for infusion to the patient. Its weird, holding it, just looking at it. A bag of blood that was in someone's body- is now freezing cold and in your hands, in a bag, ready to go into another body.
Isn't it fascinating how the world works that way? How we figured out once upon a time that we could do that?

In the army medical bases, where blood supplies are limited at times due to very high trauma, they already have all acceptable donors in service on call and their blood types. In an extreme shortage, everyone is called to donate to help save the very people that are fighting alongside of them. How fascinating is that? That, to me, puts a whole new meaning into brotherhood. Everyone, working collectively together, to help save those beside them. Donating your blood so it can go into your friend in need in a few minutes...I would love to see that comradery and be in that environment. Maybe one day.



Ta ta for now, off to work in the hospital for the rest of the night....woo!



PS- Yesterday, I donated. And all day I felt more awake and less-tired than I have in a long time. How does that work? Isn't that the exact opposite of what is supposed to happen? Sometimes I swear my body does the exact opposite of what its supposed to, most days.



PSS- Sign up to donate today. It doesn't hurt (much). You get cookies after. And sometimes Ritas. And juice. and get to watch movies. And they spoil you. :)  Save a life. Save your own.

Interesting Piece of History

Today was an amazing day at work.

It's going to be really hard to explain....truly.

Last night, I was lying in my bed, just waiting to fall asleep, staring at the moon, still sickly. And all of the sudden I felt this wave of.....joy? Relaxation? Serenity? Acceptance? Peace?

I swear I was not on any drugs!.....Well, other than Nyquil.

I think it was my Grandmother's spirit coming to say hello. Thats what I think.

All of the sudden, I just had all this confidence, all this warmth, that I was going to have an amazing day at work the next day. I could feel energy pouring calmly through me that would be used the next day (today). I could envision this energy being used to make my patients smile, to do those extra little things for every body. 

With my grandmother recently passing away in a hospital, and a couple of my relatives being with her there to experience it and tell me about it, it only made me remember again why I am in this profession. My aunt (my grandmothers oldest daughter) explained to me how much of a difference the care and love the nurses gave, how much the little things counted.

Some times at work I forget that. I do my job really well still- but I forget that who I am taking care of is someone's beloved grandma, grandpa, daughter, son, mom, dad, sister, brother, friend.... Just as my grandmother was to me, I would want absolutely nothing more than to have the best nurses take care of her and my family. In fact, if I had found out about what was going on while I was in Europe, in retrospect, my only wish would have been to pray that she did have good nurses.

So sometimes I forget, yes. I see my patients as individuals and forget that they are connected to so many others. But today I did not forget. I made it a point to treat every single patient as if they were my only, and as if they were my family. Of course this is hard to do when you have 23 patients, and I wanted desperately to stay on my shift longer, because I literally ran out of time to the very last second.

I worked day shift this weekend, which I do only on a rare blue moon. I have never been a huge fan of day shift, mainly because I usually find it rather painful and frightening to wake up before the sun, and function. However being on day shift this weekend helped me spend more time with my patients and do those 'little things'. Day shift is primarily responsible for getting everyone washed, ready for the day, teeth brushed, fed, washed again...so you get to spend a lot of 1:1 time with your patients. They get to know you, trust you.

Just like yesterday I shared the story of my 101 year old delightful patient that deserves all the respect in the world, today I encountered another type of patient that deserves all the respect. Veterans. 

I spent about 30 minutes just getting this one patient washed up, both yesterday and today. I really got to know him, and in just one day got to see him greatly progress in his health and effort. Through talking today he shared with me that he is used to being a patient in military hospitals, as he served for many years in his day.  He quotes, "Back in my day....back in the army hospitals, if you could walk, you were out there helping the nurses. There was no lying in bed all day like we have to do here. I'm getting sicker lying here. If I could I'd be out there helping you."

It was definitely an interesting piece of history that this man shared with me. History is great out of a textbook, but means so much more when coming from tales of personal experience. How interesting, to think that healing soldiers got back up and helped the nurses? To see that friendship, respect and camaraderie that must have been there....I would pay a million bucks.

Overall, it was an excellent day. I got to do little special things for a couple patients, and that makes all the difference to making or breaking your day.

I think I am probably going to fall into the early nurse burnout category...because I never want to stop. I know how many things I have to do, how many people need help, how many people need me at that moment and it never stops, and I have trouble leaving, even if its to pee or to go eat. If I weren't going to pass out from not eating for 12 hours, I would just work straight through and help every last patient with every last need. I eat my food quickly because I know I need to get back on the floor. I know this is not good. Thats how burnout happens....putting everyone else before yourself all the time... But, really, isn't that what I'm getting paid to do sort of? Shouldn't I?  Doesn't it sort of come in the job description?

I need to find the fine line and camp out on it. I need to find a balance of hard work, extra time with patients, making it to see all my patients, but also being fair to myself. Eat, pee, laugh, breathe.... I need to work on that.

~WNB

PS- It has also been finalized that I have some definite odd case of OCD. After working 12 hours and not eating dinner (I ran out of money, lol) I was definitely looking forward to coming home to a homecooked dinner leftover for me. On the drive home I was starving. I envisioned how awesome it would be to finally sit down and eat some dinner at home, while watching tv.

Well, I got home, changed out of my gross scrubs, went downstairs and threw some food in the microwave. As I stood there waiting, I realized the sink had dishes in it. Too many dishes. You can't wash your hands. That bothered me. So I decided to do the dishes. But then the wash machine was full with clean dishes, so I emptied that first. But then my food beeped ready. But I couldnt ignore the dishes now that I had started, I just couldn't. So I put the dirty dishes in and started the cycle. But then I realized the countertop was wet and dirty around the previous dish infested area and had to clean that too, despite food still being ready. After that I figured I might as well clean the dining area, which I did, because how can I stop at the countertop?


Eventually though, I did get to eat. :-) The funny thing is if you saw my room you would never peg me as a neat OCD freak, but thats because i know where everything is in my room despite it being messy. But if there is dishes in the sink, I just can't look at them. Can't do it. Have to wash them. Go figure!

Saving the World, sort of.

Hey all! So, I survived. I passed my exam....only two more important exams to go, and one of those gives me a really big license.

Anyway, I've wanted to post this blog since Tuesday, but haven't had the time to dedicate to it, until now.

This semester in our community clinical (last one!) my group has been circling around a couple of different health care (public health) agencies around the local "vulnerable populations" near my school. I live in New Jersey, you can imagine a *couple* different locations I *might* be talking about.

Working in all of these different agencies helping lots of different age groups but primarily young women, I noticed one thing: These young women were interested in health care. Any type of health care. Me. They wanted to know how to get where I was in life. How to work in a hospital. How to take care of patients in any setting. To them, nursing was just this "thing" that they could do that was easy...but it was just a thought and they weren't sure how to even think about doing it.

Our assignment throughout the semester (as a group) was to work with specific modules in order to teach these young women about a new topic every week. Topics range from Child development, to women hygiene, violence, STDs, Sexual health, etc. 

So, based on this thought that I had that a LOT of these young women shrugged off our existing topics but were profoundly interested in nursing, I thought-- Why isn't that one of the modules? Like, Career Development, or something?

So I brought this up to my professor, as a suggestion for next year. She said this was a GREAT idea and that I should pilot it for this year.

First I thought- No way, How am I going to have time to throw that together? I can't believe I just volunteered myself for a whole other project.

But, a couple weeks later, time came to present. My assignment this week was to go into this homeless shelter with women aged 20-40. These women are allowed to live in this shelter if they participate in this type of program the shelter has set up. The program teaches them how to get a job, how to clean up their lives, how to take care of their kids, how to control their finances, how to get appropriate housing one day, and so forth.  So when creating this whole presentation, I took all that into account.

I realized I only had time to focus on the healthcare field options. I set out to use a couple of resources (thank you Barnes & Noble-My library!) to compose a packet for these women to keep that showed them different nursing type positions, school options, how to pay for school, resume information, etc. While composing this, I realized that the military is also a strong option for many of these women. Well, because I am out-of-my-mind sometimes and have a LOT more courage to do things when its not actually for me, I decided that day that I would go to the nearest Army Recruitment Center and ask for their help.

Low and Behold, I marched right into that Armed Forces Center looking all professional, asked for who ever was in charge (no joke, I really said that), and the army guy went to the back room, past all the push-up and sit up guys, and brought out the big guns (no pun intended). So here are these big important army people (I'm not an expert in army titles) and meek me is asking them for help to donate whatever they could give me that I could give these women. I explained my whole presentation and mission, and prayed that they wouldn't kick me out. When I finally stopped talking, they said that they would love to help! Yay!

I sat down in front of this fancy recruitment screen and waited for them to collect "whatever they could give me". Well, they came out with two huge bags full of tons of different brochures, and about 20 T-Shirts! How kind is that!

On I went, to continue creating the rest of the packet.

Here is what it ended up looking like, In the end:

Health Care Outlook

Please note that Only the "Resume" part is my own work. The Job options, finance and education information is all taken from the reference in the sheet, but put in my own words from the book.

So, overall I was really pleased with this and I was excited to pilot it with these women!

Surprisingly, it went EXTREMELY well! We had their attention immediately.  In fact, they actually knew what we would be presenting prior, and the room was actually packed waiting for us. Usually they are making excuses to get out of listening to us talk. So, step one=success.

All of the sudden, I had this wave of confidence come over me. When I know I'm ahead (step one success) I have a lot more confidence to keep going strong. So I kept every ones attention and went through the packet, let them ask questions. They were fascinated. They realized that they could do what I said they could. That it wasn't too late to do something with their lives. That they could still turn around. They could still be somebody. That there were other ways to work around obstacles that have thrown a roadblock in their road before. These women were excited, inspired.

When it was time to leave, they thanked us for all of our "time, diligence and dedication" and even clapped for us. We stayed behind and really helped out a couple individuals that were really interested in our discussion. We even raffled off the T-shirts and they were really super excited about that.

Overall, it was an amazing day. At first, I thought it was going to be awful based on how this group was reported to act prior. But we did it! Even if just one or two women out of the forty people come out of that discussion making a real change in their life, then we made even just an inkling of a difference. We changed someones life. And by doing this, we enabled this to become a module for the future and hopefully future students can feel this way too!

Sorry for the long blog. I was just really excited about this. :-)

Special Thanks to the Army for their donations and special help!

The Many Me's of Future Me: Part Dos

Okay, Now that I finally have time to sit down and write this, lets do this! Let me warn you now- this WILL be a long post.

It all started last year. ROTC Army nurse recruiters came to my Student Nurse Association meeting and gave a presentation about the army and its benefits, why we should all give up everything and join, etc...

My thoughts about the army before the presentation?
 "Army guys are hot"...."Or...I could never do that" or "Anyone that joins the army right now is insane...we are in the middle of a war."

My thoughts after the presentation?
"I could do this.."

 What happened next was the most ballsy thing I had ever done in my life ever. (Not to mention- this time last year I was in my "JUST DO IT" Phase, when I joined all the clubs I was afraid to join and did everything without fear because I was just in an adrenaline phase).

I sat there, in my plastic seat- Similar to the ones I had spent the last three years of school in- watching the recruiters pack up. There were three of them. Two guys and a girl. My thoughts:
I can't. There is no way. Could I? There is no way. I can NOT join the army. I am just me. I am weak. I would fail miserably. But it can't hurt to talk to them, could it? Yes, yes it could hurt. These guys are in the army. They are serious. They wouldn't want me. THey would laugh at me. I'm not in shape, they would say I'm not army material and tell me to go away. Would they? I know a girl in ROTC- If she could do it, I can too...right? I am going to go talk to them. No, I can't. *Indecision goes on for at least ten minutes while recruiter packs up*. *recruiter leaves* *SNA meeting continues*   Oh my god, they left. I just passed up my opportunity to join, If i had wanted too. I should have just went and talked to them. *realizes they are still in the hallway* .....

This is when my automatic pilot actually turned on. Adrenaline kicked in and I pushed out my chair from the table, ignored the questions from friends as to where I was going. I left the room, went into the hallway and introduced myself. I did it. He was interested in me, of course, thats what they came here to do. We set up an appointment to have a "real" meeting and swapped emails. I sat back in my seat and asked myself...What the hell did I just do?

It was a rocky week after that. We met, twice. We talked about the army and everything it had to offer. We talked about the drawbacks. The commitment. The benefits. The classes I would have to catch up on. Basic training. Other girls in the army. Iraq. Signing.

I couldn't sign.

Here is why it comes down to:
- I didn't believe in myself. I didn't think I would make it.
- I didn't think I was "fit" enough to make it through boot camp.
- I was afraid of the commitment.
- Me joining would have caused me to lose and hurt a lot of people in my life.
- I couldn't tell my parents.

For a more intricate narrative of what I was going through at this time, read this. It might make more sense:   TeamWork  Its really long, but the army frustration comes in about 3/4 through.

I wasn't in a good place, my thoughts were everywhere, all the time. I was in an adrenaline-save-me phase and just wanted something (army) that could bring me somewhere. I was in the midst of having just finished one of the hardest semesters I had ever gone through, and at the bottom of the hill for two harder semesters yet to come. I didn't have any faith that I could even pass those classes. Somehow, I did, and now I am writing about my future because graduation is in 2 months. Crazy.

After I told myself I was done with the army business and that I would not be signing, and I didn't have to scare myself with any recruiters, I sighed a huge sigh of relief. I thought to myself, "I can't believe I did that. What was I thinking?" I had somehow been so sure that I was going to join that it seemed unnatural at first to be done with it, to not go through with it. As much as I liked the idea of joining, I couldn't go through with the commitment it required...

 Well, my fascination of the army never retreated after that. In fact, it grew to extend a fascination of the Air Force, maybe even more so than the army, but probably pretty equal. I have been on top of the army, reading about their progress and whats been going on in the newspapers as much as possible over the past year. Someone says army and I instantly look. I read three books written by army nurses, 1 from Vietnam and 2 from Iraq. I loved it. I knew that I could do what they had written. It made it more realistic- It drew a better picture of what I was missing, what I would be getting if I signed up.

At this past nursing convention, another army recruiter was there. This time I wasn't nervous to go talk, it felt natural. I wanted to. I picked up some brochures, talked a little.

I GOT LOTS OF COOL STUFFF!!!!!! Recruiters are good at that.

Then I went to my last seminar for the day, one I was really excited about, which was "Disaster Preparedness" which was taught by two female air force nurses. They were best friends. They had pictures of them in Iraq. They came back, they are still alive. I was fascinated. Me and a friend stayed behind after the lecture, and talked about the consequences of joining if we each had "food intolerances"- I can't have any dairy and she couldnt have any wheat. It would be hard, but she said we could still do it.

So this brings me to why I wanted to write Part 2. For me, and for anyone that cares what happens to me after Graduation. As of *right now* these are the (specific) pathways I am considering.

1) There are two nurse residency programs in Denver, Colorado. I group them together because they are associated with the same hospital but one is with the Children's portion of the hospital and the other is general nursing. I want to go to CO because it is something new. I fell in love with the state in my senior year while on vacation. I said to myself, "I want to live here", and I never forgot.  Why I don't want to go: I'd have no support. My family doesn't support it and I need my family in my life. Also, I would miss the ocean terribly. Moving to CO is as big and scary to me as potentially joining the army.

2) I could stay in New Jersey and work for the same hospital I have been with for the past five years. Why I should do this: I know everyone, I have everyone's support, I love the staff there, I know how things work, I know where everything is, my family wants me to stay local for the rest of my life.... reasons I shouldn't: If I stay now, I will never leave. I know myself enough to know I will never grow the balls to leave my job and move to CO "Just because I want to", especially if, by then, if I have kids or a boyfriend/husband.  As the years go on, it will be harder and harder to make the move. Also, as much as I love the area I grew up in, I just want somewhere new. Sometimes it takes moving away from home to realize how much you want to BE home. I know, I realize completely what I would be giving up: Where I live, I am an hour from NYC. I am five minutes away from back dirt roads that wind away to the heart of New Jersey. I am 2-4 hours away from the Atlantic ocean. It is a day trip. I have every restaurant or store I could possibly ever think of in a 30 mile radius. But...I just want to see what else is out there. Is that so wrong? If I hate it, I can come back home....can't I?

3) Join the U.S. Public Health Commissioned Corps. This is a 4 commitment. Benefits are excellent. Here's what they do:
•Perform traditional clinical services, including inpatient and outpatient care ranging from newborn care to geriatric services, from obstetrics to orthopedics to mental health, from prevention services to chronic care or acute disease management.
•Conduct research.
•Manage the review and approval of drugs and medical products.
•Respond to public health emergencies.
•Develop and implement national health policies.
•Develop and implement clinical practice guidelines and evidence-based reports on health care.
•Coordinate prevention and education efforts on a variety of public health issues.
•Develop nursing training and education programs for basic and advanced practice nurses.

Here are the benefits:
•Competitive starting pay that increases with promotions and years of service
•Health care and dental care at no cost
•Tax-free housing and meal allowances
•Thirty days of paid vacation per year—beginning the first year
•Paid sick leave
•Paid maternity leave
•Paid Federal holidays
•Malpractice insurance coverage
•A retirement plan with benefits eligibility beginning after 20 years of service
•Thrift Savings Plan [retirement savings and investment plan similar to a 401(k)]
•Low-cost life insurance
•Low-cost health care for your family.
•Malpractice insurance coverage
•Paid moving expenses when you join the Corps and relocation expenses if and when you change jobs
•Paid expenses for travel related to your job
•Access to military base lodging and recreational facilities
•Shopping privileges at military base grocery and department stores
•Veterans Affairs benefits, such as survivor and disability benefits, home loans, and burial allowances.

THIS IS AMAZING.

And, you can work anywhere in the United States...and jump around if you get tired easily, Like I do.

!!!!!! enough said.

4) I join the army or air force right off the bat. 8 year commitment. lots of the same benefits as listed above. I could be sent to Iraq, yes. But..if I do the corps, I could switch over to army/airforce later in life and keep my rank. So, its a lot to think about.


Well, those are my *main* options. I have been waiting for something perfect to just come along and say BAM! THIS IS WHAT YOU SHOULD DO!!!! And I think just maybe, maybe that is the corps screaming that. It makes a lot of sense. But is still scary.

Here is a picture I made, without intentions of posting. I started with the "What now?" And kept going, until there were no empty spaces left. It says everything on my mind.

 
 
Thank you for taking the time to read all the way down this far. I appreciate it....
 
With so much love,
 
~A Writer in a Nurse's Body
 
PS- I like input. :-) 
 
PSS my spell check is not picking things up like "Pdfjkhsdkfh" so I don't think its working....so sorry if there is a lot of ridiculous spelling errors. Despite wanting to be a writer, (dont even get me started on where that fits in to my plans), I can't spell. Sorry.

Go Figure

So I'm reading this excellent book again (yay) called "The Nightingale of Mosul" and It is a memoir/biography of a nurse that recently served as an army nurse in Iraq, in 2006. I love these kind of books because I came so close to being an army nurse myself, that by reading this, I feel like I'm reading my alternate universe. Anyway, I wanted to bring up a funny (sort of)...more Ironic, point that she brought up. Here is the passage:

"We soon boarded a plane and flew to Kuwait, the sovereign Arab emirate that borders Iraq on the South. We traveled aboard a commerical chapter on a DC-10. Everyone on our unit had at least one weapon (sometimes two), but we were still prohibited from bringing on knives and liquids. Go figure."

Really? Understandably, bombs could be in liquids...and that would be very damaging. And very sad, if a U.S. Soldier wanted to bomb the carrier he was on....But, if a U.S. Soldier went postal and wanted to harm the rest of his unit, couldn't he use one of his two guns strapped on to him? I understand and agree with the practice of not letting common people on planes with liquids or any weapons, but U.S. soldiers? Air force? Marines?

I guess I'm just naive and don't know anything.

But, I like learning about the army. I don't know very much but like to learn. And especially to learn about army nursing. If any one knows some other good books written by army nurses, please, do share. :)

~ A Writer in a (wannabe army) Nurse's Body

P.S.- Here is the Book:

I should have.

I should have joined the army nurses. Its where I belong times a million thousand. One day...


I'll explain why. Later. On another post. soon. but just....I should have.

Teamwork

Wow I haven't written in awhile…I think that's because I've been afraid to say how I feel recently. And I still am I think, but this is a good topic that I have in mind. I haven't been in a good "place" (emotionally) lately and have been very unstable. I feel like my heart/soul have been walking on thin ice, and I can see through the ice, as if I were just waiting to fall in, trying my best to embrace myself for the ice. But at the same time also trying my hardest to fight myself and look up—to the sun, to hope, that things will get better soon…Spring is here (or summer really, because NJ tends to skip over spring), and that means a lot more sun. Which is good. It means I can go out for a long bike ride when things get bad with myself…I don't have to remain in my 8 X 8 room when I feel like throwing something at the wall. I think the worst part, is not having a stable person to talk to. On post secret the other week, A postcard came in on the website that really hit home for me. It wrapped things up to a tee. It was a picture of two teens/children talking to each other, and the quote, (taped on by the creator), said "I have no one to talk to about my problems…and that hurts more than any problem I have." The other night I fell asleep crying because I had hit a low point…I don't want to be dependent on anyone, at all, and I think that's a problem with me, because I need someone. I don't like to have to need someone, but I guess I do. Its just too much to have all bottled up inside of oneself. I miss that connection you get with someone else, when you realize you've been going through the exact same problem. I just feel so alone. I feel like anyone I tell my problems too wouldn't understand, and I guess I'm just afraid to try telling them in fear of rejection/embarrassment…or even worse, them freaking out and making a big thing of it. Sometimes all I need is a hug. Human contact…At school, I don't have any contact. Thinking about it now, I haven't been close to another human being at school for…maybe before Christmas break when I hugged my roommates goodbye? Maybe the occasional handshake/ passing something along? I go to class. I sit, I take notes, I come back to dorm, I do work, I read, I do whatever, alone. Everything is alone. But then again I don't want someone there 24/7 because I tend to get annoyed at fellow human beings extremely easily. Sometimes I imagine the perfect person that I need and I imagine what they would say or do to make me feel better. Is that completely psychotic?? Lol.

Music always makes me feel better. I think a big difference in a "chronic" depression and a temporary is this: Temporary- a day of sadness, maybe a week, at most a month, caused by something that makes sense. A death, a break-up? Whatever. But then you do something to make yourself feel better, or someone comes to save you, and you feel better, and it doesn't come back. But Chronic….it doesn't seem to be caused by anything. Like mine…Its just haunting, and there. I do everything I know in my power to make myself feel better (music, reading, bike riding, singing really loudly in my car, going on escape trips, going to barnes and noble, going to see my grandma…going to the beach!.) and these things should be enough to help me out and get me back to a normal state…right? Any sometimes they are…until the trigger comes back to make everything come back again. That shouldn't have to happen, those happy things should be enough to pull me through. I've considered seeing a therapist…but I can't seem to bear the thought. I've had a bad experience with a therapist before, and not only that but the therapists at school are some of my psychiatric class teachers…I can't talk to them. I guess I don't trust someone, a therapist, or anyone, a friend…to take me seriously, but not too seriously at the same time. I guess if I see someone then it forces me to admit I have a problem, and I don't think I'm ready to do that yet. I guess part of me thinks its not really a problem and in time, I'll pull through. I seem to go through stages…and sometimes I can identify what causes a depressing stage, and what causes a happy state, but more times than not, they just happen on their own, despite whats going on in my life. I feel like even when I'm happy, I still have this dark spot, this dark cloud hanging over me, like as if it were waiting in the curtains, just waiting to haunt. Just waiting…for an opportunity? Everytime I drive past a major airport (I live close to JFK and NewarK), I am fascinated by watching the jets land and take off. Sometimes I think that if I could just have the chance to sit on a towel and watch the planes all day, I would be in heaven. I love watching them. They fascinate me. That would be the perfect date, for sure J It just fascinates me I guess to sit back and marvel at how much man has accomplished, by watching these planes, how that many pounds of metal is able to just take off like that, to fly how many feet above us, every single day. Pilots are and always be truly amazing.

The past couple weeks have brought on an excessive amount of stress, in terms of school mostly. I know I am too hard on myself, but how can I teach myself not to be as hard on myself? If anything in this blog, I need to see a therapist for that…I need to know how to lower the standards expected of myself. I can't seem to deal with failure, and failure is what I seem to keep running into everywhere I turn…which causes the depression in a way, (Part of it). Yes, school is a big part of it. I guess I just scare myself into thinking that if Im not good enough, if I don't get the perfect grade, then I won't make it in the rest of my life? It seems so silly to write out…but I think that's how I feel . I think I am looking for something magical, something not real, a person that can't exist, to come find me in my dreams and take me away and help me with all my negative thoughts. I feel like in addition to my own negative thoughts, so many of the people I thought I could originally trust, and love, are criticizing me nonstop. It used to be a case of me having a negative thought and then someone I loved, or a friend, would dismiss that thought and say something comforting. But lately, it seems like this giant conspiracy has been organized to criticize me. And I'm already in a bad place without their help. I guess they don't realize it, they don't see the effect their words have, but an effect do they have for sure. Sometimes its just a joke they are trying to tell, just "making fun" or "laughing with me". But when I'm already so hard on myself with school and facing failures in that department, One tiny little joke about my weight, or something I did or said or my appearance or whatever, throws me off the emotional ledge. And that's not good. What I'm trying to avoid.

But anyway, this all wasn't what this blog was even supposed to be about. But I've been vague before, and I didn't want to be vague again in the beginning, so this all just sort of spilled out. Half of it probably doesn't even make sense. <<there I go again, negative thinking. Why cant I just be honest, say what I feel? DO I really have so much to hide that I can't just write from my heart?

This blog is supposed to be about team work. And I will make it be. Or at least make it end with teamwork. I was listening to a very good song today from my Aunt's choir in NYC, "I'll fly away" was the song, but that's not the point, although that is ironic considering that's what I want to do all the time….But the point is is that the collection of voices that sang this song, they seemed SO happy. I was SO jealous, of that happiness…I wanted what they had so badly. I thought about it, and thought to myself, what is it about what they have that you want? And my answer was quick—teamwork. I do everything alone. I want so badly to be part of a team. I think that is my answer to all my problems. One person can't fix me out there. But maybe a whole team could. I want to be a part of something far bigger than myself. And no, I'm not talking about joining a choir. (Although that would be fun, and fit the criteria for what sort of team I'm looking for--) but I can't sing. What kind of a team then, do you ask? Well…I denied the army nursing. Maybe that was my chance. I see pictures of some of my old friends in the same program I could have been in and I think, Would I have been happy there? Would I be in this place if I had just joined the army nursing? Or would I be in an even worse place? What If I hated it? But part of me thinks in the end, I would have LOVED it….sometimes I think it would have been everything I was/am looking for…but then again, if presented with another opportunity to join right here, right now, would i? Probably not…for the same reasons I didn't sign the damn paper the first time…I get scared of commitment. 8 years is a terribly long time and that scares me. 8 years to potentially go through something I hated…That means I would get out at the age of 30. Its like a prison sentence…(if it ended up being something I hated). If I had loved it, then great. I probably would have rejoined after the 8. So where else can a team that Im looking for be found? I've considered joining Habitat for Humanity, but I'm scared…Why?Oh yeah—failure again. The team has to make sense, it has to fit into my life….HfH would, I guess theres just always an excuse why I don't. I guess I don't want to try it alone?

The last thing I can think of is a nursing team. I hope and pray to God that one day, wherever I work, that I can work in a place where the majority of my shifts are spent with co-nurses and doctors that enhance my personality. People I actually really enjoy spending time with, laughing rolling on the floor with, but at the same time, people I can definitely rely on to know what they are doing when it comes to saving a patients life. I like being a part of a team where I know what the other people are thinking, where we can just work at lightning speed without asking eachother of the next move- we know each other so well that we just know, and do, and save lives. That is power, that is teamwork. That's what I need. I hope, I pray that when I find a job one day that I am not presented with enemies (well, an overwhelming amount at least—I know I'll always have at least one enemy), but friends, love. That's what I need.

Well that certainly felt good…No really. It did. I think a step to recovery is to do my best to come on here once a day and write something, even just a tiny sentence on how things are going. I think that will be a good way of not bottling things up and getting some of them out in the open. To any of my readers, just bear with me…I'm doing everything I know how to do to make things better for myself.