The Many Me's of Future Me

Right now, It is February.

I graduate in May. Early, May.

I take the NCLEX in June, most likely.

It is really, really, really time to start thinking about real and actual and concrete options for the next step in my life. I firmly choose not to say "the rest of my life" because I honestly don't have the commitment for that, unless I end up really, really, really liking my job... which, would be great.

I am really scared.

There are SO MANY CHOICES. I want to do a lot of different jobs. (In Nursing). But the nursing community *tends* to prefer you to choose a "line" of nursing work, rather than try a bunch of different things. OF course, some nurses disregard that advice and dart from working in a NICU to working in a doctors office...But most nurses follow a chain, or line. For example: Start out as EMT Nurse, go to ER nurse, go to ER chief  nurse, go to flight/transport nurse, go to...something crazy. Emergency has a TON of crazy options.

I honestly feel like I am in high school again, and I am changing my mind every single week  on what type of nursing I want to do.

There are four "paths" I can see myself following.

1) Labor and Delivery: I say this because I came into this Nursing program with L&D deadset in my goals- I desperately wanted  to be an L&D nurse and nothing else. Well, that has changed over the last three years, but recently I have been reconsidering that as a strong possibility. Will I be a midwife, as originally planned? Probably not. Is learning how to deliver a baby an amazing skill to possess, in any situation, for the rest of your life, in and out of the hospital? Yes. Will I like working on an L&D floor? Probably.

2) Floor Nurse. Regardless of this is on Med/Surg, or Oncology, or telemetry, or wherever...I think I would like being a floor nurse. Even if it is "at the bottom of the nurse chain" as far as nurse positions go, I would feel OK there. Once I got in my comfortable "been on the job for awhile" shoes. This reflects two parts of me. The part that wants to just be alone and come to my job, do really good work, and go home. It also reflects the part that desperately wants to make a set of nurse-friends on a floor that I can trust and rely on and laugh with, a lot. I want that. I want both parts. There are two nurses on my current floor that always work together and they always are making each other (and everyone else) laugh, and always have each others backs. I want that. But at the same time I feel that being on the floor promotes independence, if you so desire. I see a lot of nurses on my floor that are plenty sociable with the other nurses, (as I would be), but they stick to themselves and get their own work done. I can see myself being either.

I know, that as a floor nurse, I would be the best that I possibly knew how to ever do. I have a lot of Med/Surg experience. All I need perfection on is the actual "Nursing skills" (i.e. IV's, wounds, foleys, talking to doctors, reading doctors writing, calling doctors, giving meds, etc.). I have the "compassion" down and the Therapeutic communication down. the Caring. I'm working on my critical thinking and physical assessment skills. They will come. As a floor nurse, I would put every thing I have learned over the past 5 1/2 years as an aide and past 3 years as a student nurse and put it into giving every single one of my patients all of my attention and doing everything I can for them. That, I can't wait for. I always try to do that now, on my job, but it is very hard to do when you have 30 patients. I look forward to managing 6-10 patients (even though that is still a lot of work).

Units I would Like:
-pediatrics
-telemetry (maybe)
-adolescent
-burn unit?

3) Emergency.

I never thought I would ever be putting emergency as a third option in my future. And its true...I'm not normally a fan of the emergency room. I never, ever came into this program ever expecting to like emergency nursing. However, it all started when I realized bigger goals that I had required emergency room nurse experience. (flight nurse, NASA, etc). At first I said- Okay, fine. So much for those goals. But after revisiting the idea a couple times, and actually spending a clinical day in the E.R., I wouldn't shoot the idea down completely....

this is why: (another part of me)- hence the blog title-
1) I like to work fast. I like having a TON of things on my mind to do. I like feeling scatterbrained. Not all the time, of course, but I like being busy. It makes me feel important, and needed. Like I am doing really important work. I like the thought of climbing up on a stretcher on my 14th hour of work and doing CPR. I like being so busy that I forget to even eat. Thanks to my ADD, I like having something to do every five seconds.
2) Patients are on a high turnover. This is a disadvantage and advantage- dis because if you like them, you can't connect with them, you can't get to know them. The most you can do is leave a lasting impression on them to help represent your hospital and move on to the next patient. Advantage because if you don't like the patient...well, they are in someone else's hands pretty soon. I would be seeing a lot more than 6-10 a day. But for shorter periods of time. ER nurses need excellent critical thinking skills, and need to be fast. Excellent instincts....Can I do that, though?

4) Holistic Nursing-
Okay. This is funny. A couple of months ago I was in an extreme holistic phase. I wanted to treat myself holistically and the rest of the world. I was obsessed. Have a headache? Take this herb. I wanted to focus on nutrition. This all sounds lovely, but pretty much means I would have to be a nurse practitioner. There are a *couple* other options with holistic nursing...but, I'm just not sure. I don't think I want to land in an NP position. But then again I once said I never wanted to do ER nursing. I still like nutritional healing. But I have lost a *lot * of faith in the whole shebang because all of my personal treatments for my own health failed, and I am back to square one- despite making a lot of dietary changes. And I can't afford to make an appt to actually see the HNP to discuss what else I could do...and then she would prescribe a lot of things, and thats a lot more $$, and I just don't know. Its complicated. So, Holistic nursing is still a possibility. But I'm thinking....less of a possibility than it once was.

Okay. This is a long post. But I got a lot of important thinking done. Tomorrow, or Sunday, look for Part 2: Actual Options, not Pathways. I.e.-Getting Specific. I also will talk about the student nursing convention I just got back from (I learned a LOT!!!) and update you on my new york times mission. But its late and this is long enough for tonight. Thank you for reading..

With immense amounts of love,

~ A Writer in a Nurse's Body

P.S.-

Things I could NEVER see myself working in ( I say this now, to document it!)
- Intensive Care Unit of any kind
- Psychiatric
- Oncology


PSS- THis actually isn't that long of a post. I thought I typed a lot longer. But I did a lot of thinking, so it counts as a long post. :)

A Breakdown of My Current Clinical Fears.

My last clinical was actually really boring. I was a little nervous about having my first teenager but not as nervous as my first baby two weeks ago. I have had teenagers (18+) on my med/surg floor at home, but only a couple. The baby 2 weeks ago was definitely my first baby patient. What I'm most scared of is getting a 2-10 YO because to me, that's a scary age. That's why I'm still a little hesitant in PEDS and certain about maternity. But I guess I have to just take one and hope for the best. Maybe I'll love and then change my mind about PEDS. This is the breakdown of my fear: Ages 2-4= I've seen some kids already in the hallway that do nothing but scream, even with their parent's right there. There is just no reasoning with them…I like to reason with my patients, to have a conversation with them. Ages 5-10 are more reasonable but I think less trustworthy…more secretive and afraid. I just don't know what to say to them. My younger sister can approach any kid and within 5 minutes, they love her and want to be her best friend. She is 16. But even with my own cousins who I see a couple times a year and range in age from 4-12, there just seems to be a barrier between us no matter how hard I try. I don't want there to be, I think they are cute and I would love to sit and talk with them but when me and my sister stand together, they always flock to her first. Am I the scary adult already? Am I less approachable? Is there an invisible barrier/ wall that I put up around me that I am unaware of? Most of the time, when I am alone with them, (whether I'm babysitting or just happen to be alone for whatever reason) I just don't know what to say. I find talks about "Dora the Explorer" boring, really. I can't seem to temporarily come down to their level. I become afraid of appearing too corny, and they'll see right through me. On the other hand I am afraid of coming off as too official and scary. I need to figure out a nice in-between. I like the age of 10+ because I can treat them more like an adult. They really are like miniature adults….and usually surprisingly smart.

The other thing I wanted to mention this journal was my teenager this week in clinical. First off, teenagers are hard because they are a whole different species. Seriously. And I just got done being a teenager only 2 years ago, and they are already turning into another species. I guess I'm getting old. She really didn't want to be bothered. I tried to not let that stop me and to pry for the right information and show her that she can talk to me, but I got nothing. I could tell she thought it was awkward. On Friday this week we are all required to go to Trenton High school for a 5 week "self esteem" session. It's all sophomore girls and they elect to be in this instead of gym class. It's a nice program because they get counseled on correct nutrition; they have a workout every day, etc. Our job is to come in here on Fridays for five weeks and basically, be a friend. We are supposed to counsel them on drugs, alcohol, smoking…better nutrition, their caffeine intake, how much sleep they get, tips for their future, tips for school…you name it. Needless to say, I'm a little nervous, but I'm nervous with every new thing I do so this isn't any different. I need to break that habit. I'm always nervous about new experiences. I guess I'm only human.

This year I've been trying something new. I'm trying to live by the motto "Do what you're afraid of". I have always lived my life scared, and taking risks and jumping off mountains only when I have to for a grade or something job related. And I get really stressed about it usually. But this year…even though I am scared as **#(*@# sometimes, I have decided to do a couple things I thought I would never do. So far I really like the first thing I decided to do. I joined my school's EMS squad. I have always wanted to join a squad at home, but never gathered up the courage, because like I said, I've been so afraid living behind my rock. It's time to step out there, and even though I'm very scared at first, like everything else, I'll get used to it and eventually do really great. And hey, if I hate it after a couple months, guess what, I gave it a try. I can say that I tried it and I did it. Personally, I love the adrenaline rush I get after I do something I was really afraid to do and then I surprise myself because I am actually really good at it and come out feeling amazing…My second decision is still on the down low, something I am still heavily contemplating. Will tell later on if I actually decide to join. J (I'm leaning towards yes.) I have to just cross my fingers, pray like hell, relax a little and dive in! My life lately has just been so…dull. I really needed to make some changes. I need to stop hiding and taking the safe routes. Good things will come out of this, I know it. Til next post (which will be very soon…),

~A writer in a nurse's body.