Hey! Wow, 2 blogs in < 48 hours! THats an accomplishment for me!
I hope everyone is having a good 2013 so far! I have a really good feeling that 2013 is going to be a life-altering year, in a really good way. I can just feel it.
I got a call this morning from my job offering me a deal to come in for day shift hours and I would be allowed to leave at 11pm , instead of 7 am, so that is awesome and totally is what I needed. I ended up getting out at 11:45 and got to hear the radio dance party on my local station. It was awesome being able to bop along to my favorite 2012 songs, even if I was in scrubs, in the car, and not at a party or anything. It was such an unexpected treat to even be able to listen to it in the first place since I was supposed to be at work. Anyway, so when the radio DJ count-downed( is that a word?) to midnight, and there it is just seconds after midnight and fireworks are going off in the distance as I travel down the road, and I finally felt it. I was euphoric. And what was this, was I actually crying?? Yea. I have *never* cried tears of happiness, ever. Never ever. Which made me cry even more because I was so shocked I was crying happy tears. I was just so happy that I wasn't at work, I survived hell week (between xmas and new years in healthcare) and did a really good job, my boss told me I was a really good nurse....and my favorite songs were playing. I couldn't stop smiling.
So THAT my friends is how I know 2013 is going to be a good year. Because after so long of my emotions being shut down, guarded from heartbreak, I can finally feel euphoria again. I cannot wait.
Anyway, my yearly tradition of resolutions! If you're new to my blog, every year I go through my prior years resolutions and comment on how I did. After that I write new ones. Unfortunately, I read through last years and not much has changed. But its tradition! The italicized are last years, the normal font is me commenting on it. Following the whole set are 2013's.
1) Have at LEAST half of my book #1 completely written by 2013. Part of me wants
to say write the whole book by 2013, but....I'd rather be proud of myself for
accomplishing a resolution than to not because I set the standard too high. So,
yeah. Half the book. I think this is definitely possible.
Haha. That didn't happen. But I have a good excuse. Last year when I wrote this, I was working night shift on a 12 bed unit, and although we had our fair share of insane nights, most nights I had time to write a little when all my work was done and my patients were sleeping. Well, then the summer got really busy, and then I got transferred, and at this new place- I barely have time to pee. My home life has been pretty busy as well :(
2) I need to
learn how to go with the flow....I'm 23, I have to stop trying to PLAN
everything. Stop trying to overanalyze everything and just......be. Just do.
Accept new challenges. Accept new people in my life. Do new things. Play new
sports.
I did a good job with this one! I joined racquetball! I stayed with it! I didn't quit! I joined tennis lessons! I got out and did things I was afraid of this year. I took a leap of faith with my new boyfriend this year. I screwed the logical planning of every single step of my life. I like my life a lot better this way.
3) I want to really focus this year on becoming a much better
nurse. I want to do a lot of research on my practice, and really better myself
in unique abilities. My hospital is offering the position of a "wound care
champion" that I might look into. It would be nice to be exceptionally good at
at least one thing among the amazing nurses I work with.
I did end up becoming a wound care champion at my old hospital! It was pretty sweet to be good at something, and to my new job I therefore brought the knowledge of how to dress a wound pretty awesomely. Sweet. Also, being on a cardiology floor has taught me SO MUCH in so little time and I can't wait to be a proficient cardiac nurse.
4) Along with
number 3, in general (in nursing and in life), I need to learn to be more
confident in my abilities. In my self. In my knowledge. In my instincts. This is
really hard. I need to trust myself.
I have serious self esteem issues and I don't think I will ever learn to be completely confident in myself. I always question myself. I just hate to do things wrong. I still have to work on this.
5) I need to learn how to COOK! Not
just any cooking, but I need to learn how to cook in general and cook for
lactose intolerance specifically. So, I really need to get on this because right
now my food groups consist of: Rice, beans, chicken, chinese food, fish &
chips, vegetables, chicken tenders, fries, and smoothies. So, More variety
needed? Yess.
Okay. This was hard. Thats still pretty much my entire food group, except I eat less chinese food now, less fries, less tenders, and less fish and chips. So I basically eat: Fruit, veggies, BREAD (so bad), Thai food, chicken, rice and lactose intolerant specially made products. Sooooooo, yeah. HOWEVER, I have a lot of influential people in my life that have been teaching me how to cook real things. I've dated two people this past year that loved to cook and worked with my allergies and taught me how to make some good meals. My grandma is a great cook and did the same for me. My aunt has also been guiding me through some really dumb questions online! With buying a new house soon, I'm going to have a full kitchen to myself that I need to use! Goal: next year, I'm making thanksgiving dinner all by myself :)
6) I need to learn how to love again. But at the same
time, I need to learn how to just be ok with me. I need to get to know myself
better before I let myself attach to anyone else at this point. I feel like
right now, when I "attach" to someone, or see someone, they are dating an empty
vessel of a girl that needs to figure out a lot right now. I am in here, I
promise. Just need to work on my firewall right now, let people in. Its a new
year. New beginnings. Let our endings go. Forever, and ever, and hit the ground
runnin! Woo.
I did this! I so did this! I'm doing it! I dated a couple young gentleman in 2012 but there was always something that was off. After a couple bad experiences, I decided it was impossible to meet new people working night shift and the only other thing I did was go to Barnes & Noble, the gym and out with my family and girlfriends. Plus, strangers don't meet and start dating anymore nowadays. And my friends tried setting me up and it just wasn't working out. So I threw in the towel and joined the ever so promising eHarmony. And within three weeks of my membership (and a lot of conversations), I met my amazing boyfriend. He lives in the town right next to mine, yay! We had talked online and through texting for about two weeks, until we decided to have our first date on a Wednesday. By that Friday, we were boyfriend and girlfriend. So it went really fast but everything just felt right. Which is huge for me, because I'm very picky. He is one of the main reasons I think my heart is opening back up to feel emotions. I held true to myself and am comfortable with myself, I know myself pretty well and I am strong. I don't believe in 1/2 and 1/2 makes 1 when it comes to partners. I believe in 1 + 1 makes 2. We do not complete each other, nor should we. Nor should anyone, because then what are you without them? We are each our own unique person, our own soul, our own complete set of strengths and weaknesses, and together we bring that to the same table and combine from there.
7) I already am doing this, but I want to draw a LOT
more. I already have drawn so much since school let out and I love it. I also
want to do more with my photography this year. Like sell it. Big time. :-) On
that note, look for a photography post sooN! I am WAY overdue!
I drew a LOT this year. I got a drawing desk!!!! Its the best!!!!!! I've been on a drawing hiatus because I've been so busy but I plan to go back full force this spring. My new house has room for my own studio :) Oh, and I still owe ya'll that photography post...ha
Alright so here's what I've got for 2013. I haven't thought about my resolutions until literally right now. Usually I think about this blog for like a week. Soooooo, here goes.
1) No more sugar. This is something I've been trying to do for a couple of months now, but it's so HARD. What I mean by no sugar is no OBVIOUS sugar. I still plan to eat fruit. What my problem has been, is raspberry friggen Iced tea. That stuff is packed tight with sugar and I've become addicted to it. I've also gained like ten pounds. I also eat more bread than..........Peeta Mellark. I seriously love bread. Its bad. I don't want to eat any obvious sugar. It will be hard, but I can do it. At least cut out 80% of it?
2)Lose weight. I am uncomfortable with my body and have to change. I come from a past of not being good enough for those I loved. My boyfriend now tells me he loves just the way I am and that makes me so happy but I can't stand the way I feel, the extra jiggles and lovemuffins. I hate the mirror. So, by 2014 I plan to be holding steady under 130lbs. I'm 145 now. I can do that!
3) Budget- Budget- BUDGET. Buying a new house, its not like an apartment. There is no escape plan this time. If I couldn't handle the rent at any point, I could have left at anytime. Not with a mortgage. I have to cut coupons. And actually pay attention to sales. I have to think twice about buying 6 books that will sit on my bookshelf. I can do it.
4) Keep my damn car and room clean. WHY IS THIS SO HARD. I have the cutest little sports car, which looks awesome from a distance and then people get in it and realize its not suitable to non-julie human survival. Sad.
5) Join a badminton team . Join a swimming team.
6) Be smarter. Although I AM a LOT smarter as a nurse now than I was last year, there is still so much I don't know. I so badly want to be the nurse that the new graduate comes and gets and says "can you help me?" and I can just come in and teach and finally know everything and put it to good use. I want to maybe start school this Fall for my nursing MSN. I want to research more about my patients conditions.
7) WRITE MY GODD*** BOOK!
Thats it, folks!! Love you all!
HAPPY 2013!!!!!
Make a difference. Make it your own.
__WNB
.
10 + Years in Nursing In Medical Surgical, Women's Health, Telemetry and Informatics.
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Monday, December 31, 2012
Appreciating the Moments
Wow...So I don't even know where to start. I know I haven't written in awhile and that bothers me, in more ways than one. I haven't written on here in awhile and I haven't written written, like on my novel and that makes me sad. I remember awhile ago (like in the summer maybe?) I remember saying how busy I was, and I couldn't wait for the fall when things would calm down some....well, things are busier than ever and life is moving faster than I can even watch it.
This is going to be a long blog, I think. So 1) I apologize, and 2) like I always say, go get some popcorn and make yourself comfortable.
Let's start with life updates and then I'll focus on the title of this blog. Maybe they will relate to each other, maybe not. Then again I'm running on 5 hours of sleep right now and earlier tonight I was thinking maybe I was having a stroke because I was delusional and words were coming out of my mouth before I could catch them. I do that a lot when I'm really tired. Its remarkable how much the brain changes on a lack of sleep, and quite scary come to think of it, considering I'm a nightshift nurse. Hmm....
Anyway, life updates. So I'm buying a house! I know, crazy, right? It's absolutely insane. I'm 24 and if you told me when I was 14 "In ten years you're going to be a successful college graduate with a good job and buying a house by yourself", I can guarantee I would have laughed at you. And then probably would have gone to burger king or written some teenagery post on my xanga.
But yeah! Everything in my life so far has been.....like right place/right time kinda thing. Everything bad thats happened to me has opened up a brighter door, even if that door didn't open for a long time. So this sort of falls under the same circumstances. The entire situation started from something I didn't know how I was going to get through, to now I'm buying a house because of it. The same push that knocked me down to the ground is the exact same push that gave me the courage to actually get a realtor and now I'm closing on a house. I honestly didn't think I'd be buying a house until I was in my forties. I thought thats how it worked. I guess I'm still a kid because I don't consider myself an adult that can buy a house. Ah!
So thats my big update. It's amazing and all but holey moley crapbeans, buying a house is stressful. I'm probably an idiot for buying a house and starting a new job all in the time span of about 3 months. Smart, I know.
As for the new job....thats been....interesting. Like my old job, there's been some shifts where I leave and I'm like "I know I chose the right profession". It's those shifts where you do everything right, go above and beyond and feel awesome about it, your patients tell you they love you, you help your coworkers, your boss is like "Yeah good job!" and everything is just awesome. And maybe throw in a really nursy emotional moment you have with a little old lady or something and its icing on the cake.
But then there are those shifts where you SERIOUSLY question why you ever would have wanted to not only put yourself through four years of tormenting nursing school just to deal with crabbypants doctors, deal with patients (or family members) that call the police because they pooped in their bed and couldn't find their call bell (that happened), or tell you you just aren't good enough despite doing the best you can, having 7 patients every night, dealing with a lot of WTF is going on situations, etc. And there's been more of those shifts than the good ones lately. And like the typical human condition, we always remember the bad memories which totally override any good memories.
I've been realizing lately that I have some serious issues I need to get over, and STAT. I am a perfectionist when it comes to my job. I care about my job. I care about my patients, deeply. I'm a hypochondriac with my own body and this translates to extreme anxiety when it comes to my patients. They complain of new pain and I'm automatically thinking OMG they're gonna end up in the OR by the end of the night. Thank goodness after a 1.5 years of being an RN, I'm finally beginning to know the differences between serious symptoms and symptoms that may appear to be serious but aren't. But back to my serious flaws, I am the type of nurse where I hate leaving shit behind for other nurses, I hateeeeeee giving medications late or letting a patient down when I said I'd be there at a certain time but end up not being able to. I hate when the computer yells at me for giving something late and it's all like "WHY ARE YOU GIVING THIS LATE?" and there's no option to write in, "because my other patient couldn't breathe and I was swallowed in another room and I HAD MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO". It sucks. So I try and finish everything and be everywhere at once and solve every problem. I don't ask and I hate asking when I have to, for help. I hate admitting weaknessess in myself and asking for help. I try and do everything on my own and its going to be the end of me one day.
I also have a problem with appreciating the good times, hence my blog title. I always thought that I related to President Obama in a way that I heard once from someone that he finds it hard to feel extreme emotions. He's always calm and cool, he's neutral. He doesn't feel extreme sadness, anger, but also doesn't feel extreme happiness either. And that's how I am and I hate that. Hate it.
I cannot tell you how many times I've been in the middle of a shift, and thought;
"man I cannot wait to be in my bed later, it is gonna be so amazing" or
"I can't wait to blast my favorite song on the way home and wind down from all this" or
I see a patients tv and its a good show and my patient is enjoying it and I'm just like, "how much do I seriously want to be at home just chilling watching tv? THe next time I chill and watch tv, I'm gonna think of how lucky I am." But then.....when I finally get to my bed, when I'm finally done with my shift and blasting my music on the way home, when I'm finally just chillin watching tv, I don't think of how much better it is, because I carry home the sorrow and anxiety from my job. I drive home like a super zombie, my mind reeling from what I did wrong or right at work. When I watch tv, I just get lost in the show and watch it like a zombie. When I have a day off, I let myself get stressed of the shit-ton amount of things I have to do that day, that I don't even enjoy it, because hey- I'm not at work at least. So I have to work on that this year coming.
I started noticing this in myself when I first saw a baby being born. This was a moment I dreamed about for a long time, one of the BIGGEST reasons I went into nursing in the FIRST place. All I wanted was to see a baby be born. But about 3 years ago when I finally got the opportunity, it was happening right in front of me- I was all decked out in the scrubby gear, I saw the whole thing happening and I just stood there watching. There was no euphoric moment in my head. Sure It was a lovely thing happening, but in my mind I wasn't freaking out like "Oh my god this is actually happening". Nope.
Ever since then I've noticed this a lot on multiple examples.
The only way I can seem to find enlightenment or euphoria, is when I surprise myself. It can't be something I've been looking forward to. It has to be something I decide to do last minute, something that surprises myself and everyone else. It usually involves a journey of some kind, like when I was driving home from Long Island one time and just decided (literally last minute before the exit) to just go to the beach. Being on the beach that day by myself, walking along the ocean waters, one of my most enlightened moments ever.
I'm not perfect, I get that so much. But I try so hard. Too hard, And I have to learn to let that go. Because humans aren't perfect. But somehow I've got it stuck in my head that I have to surpass normal humanity and be a superwoman.
Which is funny, I actually just giggled to myself just then, (that could be because I'm really tired), because if you saw my room right now you would NEVER EVER peg me for a perfectionist. My room is literally not sustainable to most forms of human life except me. I would normally try and blame it on the fact that I'm back in my parents house while I wait to close on the new house, and all of my belongings are shoved into this little room with me along with the stuff my parents moved into here as an extra storage room since I moved into my own apartment, BUT I really can't because my rooms normally a mess anyway. *deep breath that was a really long sentence*.
Back to the point, I'm a perfectionist when it comes to my performance, in all areas of my life. In my relationship. In my job. In my friendships. I always try and prove to the people that love me that I am a worthy friend, I am a good girlfriend (I usually fail miserably on my face on that one just ask my boyfriend), or I try and prove that I am a good nurse. I am usually very generous, and this past Christmas I could only get people very limited gifts because of money and that killed me. It seriously hurt my heart and I'm still feeling bad over it. My boyfriend hates how I can never remember stuff he told me already and I hate that I can't be perfect, the model girlfriend. In nursing there will always be moments where no matter how hard you try, something will always fall through the cracks. You give extra attention to one friend one day and then the next day another friend chews you out for not spending enough time with them.
I know I said above that I don't let myself feel extreme emotions usually. But there have been so many instances in the past month and a half where I felt like I was seriously in over my head and I was about to lose it. And I usually, usually can contain myself, keep my cool even if my plate is overfull, but its when something really small goes wrong on top of everything else is what tips over the edge.
*sigh* . Sorry for the sad ish post. It wasn't all sad, was it? OK yeah it mostly was. Sorry. I say sorry way too much too. I have to work on that as well.
Don't get me wrong, I have an amazing life. Like I said, everything in my life has happened for a reason. I have a great job, good pay that's stable, I am like 92% healthy (lol), I have the most amazing boyfriend that makes me so happy, I have the most supporting, nurturing nuclear and extended family, I have some of the best friends a girl could ever ask for. I have a good life.
I just saw the movie "This is 40" tonight, and despite its comedic nature, it really hit on a serious topic. Or maybe I just thought too much into it. It showed really well that everyone is under their own ridiculous amounts of stress, and we all try and hide it, we are all about to blow up but we all try and keep our cool. No one knows what another person is struggling with, and we all try and put so much crap for other people to deal with, not realizing how much they already have to deal with. People accuse others of "not understanding" or "you don't know what its like!" or "you do nothing all day" but they really could be struggling with anything, you just don't know it. So have patience with everyone. Be nice to everyone. Try and see the best in people, I try to (Sometimes its hard, I know). Trust people even when you know you shouldn't. Have a little faith and go with it.
So I'm going to leave with you with one of the most famous and most helpful prayers that got me through one of the shittiest shifts last night (that ended in tears- there's real emotion for ya),
"God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
That prayer is perfect and applies to so many aspects of my life. Nursing, relationships, and just life.
If you've made it this far, you get.....a gummy worm..........ok well you would if I had some. It was really just the first yummy thing I thought of. But you get my love, that's for free. Gummy worms are expensive.
With so much love,
~ WNB
.
This is going to be a long blog, I think. So 1) I apologize, and 2) like I always say, go get some popcorn and make yourself comfortable.
Let's start with life updates and then I'll focus on the title of this blog. Maybe they will relate to each other, maybe not. Then again I'm running on 5 hours of sleep right now and earlier tonight I was thinking maybe I was having a stroke because I was delusional and words were coming out of my mouth before I could catch them. I do that a lot when I'm really tired. Its remarkable how much the brain changes on a lack of sleep, and quite scary come to think of it, considering I'm a nightshift nurse. Hmm....
Anyway, life updates. So I'm buying a house! I know, crazy, right? It's absolutely insane. I'm 24 and if you told me when I was 14 "In ten years you're going to be a successful college graduate with a good job and buying a house by yourself", I can guarantee I would have laughed at you. And then probably would have gone to burger king or written some teenagery post on my xanga.
But yeah! Everything in my life so far has been.....like right place/right time kinda thing. Everything bad thats happened to me has opened up a brighter door, even if that door didn't open for a long time. So this sort of falls under the same circumstances. The entire situation started from something I didn't know how I was going to get through, to now I'm buying a house because of it. The same push that knocked me down to the ground is the exact same push that gave me the courage to actually get a realtor and now I'm closing on a house. I honestly didn't think I'd be buying a house until I was in my forties. I thought thats how it worked. I guess I'm still a kid because I don't consider myself an adult that can buy a house. Ah!
So thats my big update. It's amazing and all but holey moley crapbeans, buying a house is stressful. I'm probably an idiot for buying a house and starting a new job all in the time span of about 3 months. Smart, I know.
As for the new job....thats been....interesting. Like my old job, there's been some shifts where I leave and I'm like "I know I chose the right profession". It's those shifts where you do everything right, go above and beyond and feel awesome about it, your patients tell you they love you, you help your coworkers, your boss is like "Yeah good job!" and everything is just awesome. And maybe throw in a really nursy emotional moment you have with a little old lady or something and its icing on the cake.
But then there are those shifts where you SERIOUSLY question why you ever would have wanted to not only put yourself through four years of tormenting nursing school just to deal with crabbypants doctors, deal with patients (or family members) that call the police because they pooped in their bed and couldn't find their call bell (that happened), or tell you you just aren't good enough despite doing the best you can, having 7 patients every night, dealing with a lot of WTF is going on situations, etc. And there's been more of those shifts than the good ones lately. And like the typical human condition, we always remember the bad memories which totally override any good memories.
I've been realizing lately that I have some serious issues I need to get over, and STAT. I am a perfectionist when it comes to my job. I care about my job. I care about my patients, deeply. I'm a hypochondriac with my own body and this translates to extreme anxiety when it comes to my patients. They complain of new pain and I'm automatically thinking OMG they're gonna end up in the OR by the end of the night. Thank goodness after a 1.5 years of being an RN, I'm finally beginning to know the differences between serious symptoms and symptoms that may appear to be serious but aren't. But back to my serious flaws, I am the type of nurse where I hate leaving shit behind for other nurses, I hateeeeeee giving medications late or letting a patient down when I said I'd be there at a certain time but end up not being able to. I hate when the computer yells at me for giving something late and it's all like "WHY ARE YOU GIVING THIS LATE?" and there's no option to write in, "because my other patient couldn't breathe and I was swallowed in another room and I HAD MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO". It sucks. So I try and finish everything and be everywhere at once and solve every problem. I don't ask and I hate asking when I have to, for help. I hate admitting weaknessess in myself and asking for help. I try and do everything on my own and its going to be the end of me one day.
I also have a problem with appreciating the good times, hence my blog title. I always thought that I related to President Obama in a way that I heard once from someone that he finds it hard to feel extreme emotions. He's always calm and cool, he's neutral. He doesn't feel extreme sadness, anger, but also doesn't feel extreme happiness either. And that's how I am and I hate that. Hate it.
I cannot tell you how many times I've been in the middle of a shift, and thought;
"man I cannot wait to be in my bed later, it is gonna be so amazing" or
"I can't wait to blast my favorite song on the way home and wind down from all this" or
I see a patients tv and its a good show and my patient is enjoying it and I'm just like, "how much do I seriously want to be at home just chilling watching tv? THe next time I chill and watch tv, I'm gonna think of how lucky I am." But then.....when I finally get to my bed, when I'm finally done with my shift and blasting my music on the way home, when I'm finally just chillin watching tv, I don't think of how much better it is, because I carry home the sorrow and anxiety from my job. I drive home like a super zombie, my mind reeling from what I did wrong or right at work. When I watch tv, I just get lost in the show and watch it like a zombie. When I have a day off, I let myself get stressed of the shit-ton amount of things I have to do that day, that I don't even enjoy it, because hey- I'm not at work at least. So I have to work on that this year coming.
I started noticing this in myself when I first saw a baby being born. This was a moment I dreamed about for a long time, one of the BIGGEST reasons I went into nursing in the FIRST place. All I wanted was to see a baby be born. But about 3 years ago when I finally got the opportunity, it was happening right in front of me- I was all decked out in the scrubby gear, I saw the whole thing happening and I just stood there watching. There was no euphoric moment in my head. Sure It was a lovely thing happening, but in my mind I wasn't freaking out like "Oh my god this is actually happening". Nope.
Ever since then I've noticed this a lot on multiple examples.
The only way I can seem to find enlightenment or euphoria, is when I surprise myself. It can't be something I've been looking forward to. It has to be something I decide to do last minute, something that surprises myself and everyone else. It usually involves a journey of some kind, like when I was driving home from Long Island one time and just decided (literally last minute before the exit) to just go to the beach. Being on the beach that day by myself, walking along the ocean waters, one of my most enlightened moments ever.
I'm not perfect, I get that so much. But I try so hard. Too hard, And I have to learn to let that go. Because humans aren't perfect. But somehow I've got it stuck in my head that I have to surpass normal humanity and be a superwoman.
Which is funny, I actually just giggled to myself just then, (that could be because I'm really tired), because if you saw my room right now you would NEVER EVER peg me for a perfectionist. My room is literally not sustainable to most forms of human life except me. I would normally try and blame it on the fact that I'm back in my parents house while I wait to close on the new house, and all of my belongings are shoved into this little room with me along with the stuff my parents moved into here as an extra storage room since I moved into my own apartment, BUT I really can't because my rooms normally a mess anyway. *deep breath that was a really long sentence*.
Back to the point, I'm a perfectionist when it comes to my performance, in all areas of my life. In my relationship. In my job. In my friendships. I always try and prove to the people that love me that I am a worthy friend, I am a good girlfriend (I usually fail miserably on my face on that one just ask my boyfriend), or I try and prove that I am a good nurse. I am usually very generous, and this past Christmas I could only get people very limited gifts because of money and that killed me. It seriously hurt my heart and I'm still feeling bad over it. My boyfriend hates how I can never remember stuff he told me already and I hate that I can't be perfect, the model girlfriend. In nursing there will always be moments where no matter how hard you try, something will always fall through the cracks. You give extra attention to one friend one day and then the next day another friend chews you out for not spending enough time with them.
I know I said above that I don't let myself feel extreme emotions usually. But there have been so many instances in the past month and a half where I felt like I was seriously in over my head and I was about to lose it. And I usually, usually can contain myself, keep my cool even if my plate is overfull, but its when something really small goes wrong on top of everything else is what tips over the edge.
*sigh* . Sorry for the sad ish post. It wasn't all sad, was it? OK yeah it mostly was. Sorry. I say sorry way too much too. I have to work on that as well.
Don't get me wrong, I have an amazing life. Like I said, everything in my life has happened for a reason. I have a great job, good pay that's stable, I am like 92% healthy (lol), I have the most amazing boyfriend that makes me so happy, I have the most supporting, nurturing nuclear and extended family, I have some of the best friends a girl could ever ask for. I have a good life.
I just saw the movie "This is 40" tonight, and despite its comedic nature, it really hit on a serious topic. Or maybe I just thought too much into it. It showed really well that everyone is under their own ridiculous amounts of stress, and we all try and hide it, we are all about to blow up but we all try and keep our cool. No one knows what another person is struggling with, and we all try and put so much crap for other people to deal with, not realizing how much they already have to deal with. People accuse others of "not understanding" or "you don't know what its like!" or "you do nothing all day" but they really could be struggling with anything, you just don't know it. So have patience with everyone. Be nice to everyone. Try and see the best in people, I try to (Sometimes its hard, I know). Trust people even when you know you shouldn't. Have a little faith and go with it.
So I'm going to leave with you with one of the most famous and most helpful prayers that got me through one of the shittiest shifts last night (that ended in tears- there's real emotion for ya),
"God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
That prayer is perfect and applies to so many aspects of my life. Nursing, relationships, and just life.
If you've made it this far, you get.....a gummy worm..........ok well you would if I had some. It was really just the first yummy thing I thought of. But you get my love, that's for free. Gummy worms are expensive.
With so much love,
~ WNB
.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Sounds Way too much Alike....
So I'm standing at the nurses station, awkwardly drinking my ritualistic tea- listening to my coworker speak with a family member of one of her patients...
Family: "he needs a doctor in the room right now! I want to see and speak to a doctor!"
Nurse: "okay, sir- I'll call the hospitalist."
Family *horrified look*: "YOU'RE CALLING HOSPICE????!!!"
Nurse: "no! The hospital-IST! It's a doctor. To help him.. Live."
Most awkward family/nurse encounter ever.
But it's true, the two words do sound alike...
_WNB
.
Family: "he needs a doctor in the room right now! I want to see and speak to a doctor!"
Nurse: "okay, sir- I'll call the hospitalist."
Family *horrified look*: "YOU'RE CALLING HOSPICE????!!!"
Nurse: "no! The hospital-IST! It's a doctor. To help him.. Live."
Most awkward family/nurse encounter ever.
But it's true, the two words do sound alike...
_WNB
.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Doctors Throw Tantrums Too
So weekends at the hospital have small potential to be a little less insane than the weekdays. There is usually a lot less patients, but also less staff. Regular services aren't offered on the weekends (in small hospitals such as mine)- services such as physical therapy, non-emergency surgeries, short procedures, etc.
Last night I come on to the floor, and its already a slow night. I'm already finished with my charting at 8pm, which means that I can sit at the nurses station at 8pm- And this is almost unheard of. This means that *sometimes* doctors are still lingering at the station, finishing up the days work for them. This was such the case last night.
Said doctor was already frustrated that he was still doing work at 8pm on a Saturday. He is a specialist and was seeing a patient for that specific specialty, obviously. However the patients family was very upset about a lot of other issues going on with the patient, and Mr.NiceDoctor was attempting to consult other specialties for this patient and even get some therapy started that night to speed up the healing process.
In order to do that, he had to page other doctors to speak with them for advice on what to order. So he pages Doctor #1. Waits 15 minutes. No answer. Pages him again. No answer. Pages another doctor. Doctor #2 answers, He's not on call this weekend- Click! Hang up. Mr.NiceDoctor dials operator in a rage to find out WHO is officially on call for the specialty he needs. Operator says....Oh...Its Doctor #3. Mr. NiceDoctor pages Doctor #3- That doctor says, "No- you must mean the OTHER DoctorWithTheSameLastNameAsMe. I'm not with that specialty."
This is precisely when Mr.NiceDoctor hangs up the phone and says (rather loudly) to anyone thats within earshot- "IS IT ALWAYS THIS DIFFICULT!?" ( I think he even stomped his foot, too.)
My answer, very softly- "Every day." And then I smiled.
He then proceeded to ramble on, "Is it always this hard to get in touch with people around here?!"
And I held back....because I love my job, so so so...so, much-And I said nothing except a little shrug. But me and my telepathic coworker said in our minds, "Just doctors!"
In case you like happy endings, Mr.NiceDoctor DID eventually get in contact with the specialty he needed and the patient was started on 3 antibiotics. Happy Ending.
:-) WNB
.
Last night I come on to the floor, and its already a slow night. I'm already finished with my charting at 8pm, which means that I can sit at the nurses station at 8pm- And this is almost unheard of. This means that *sometimes* doctors are still lingering at the station, finishing up the days work for them. This was such the case last night.
Said doctor was already frustrated that he was still doing work at 8pm on a Saturday. He is a specialist and was seeing a patient for that specific specialty, obviously. However the patients family was very upset about a lot of other issues going on with the patient, and Mr.NiceDoctor was attempting to consult other specialties for this patient and even get some therapy started that night to speed up the healing process.
In order to do that, he had to page other doctors to speak with them for advice on what to order. So he pages Doctor #1. Waits 15 minutes. No answer. Pages him again. No answer. Pages another doctor. Doctor #2 answers, He's not on call this weekend- Click! Hang up. Mr.NiceDoctor dials operator in a rage to find out WHO is officially on call for the specialty he needs. Operator says....Oh...Its Doctor #3. Mr. NiceDoctor pages Doctor #3- That doctor says, "No- you must mean the OTHER DoctorWithTheSameLastNameAsMe. I'm not with that specialty."
This is precisely when Mr.NiceDoctor hangs up the phone and says (rather loudly) to anyone thats within earshot- "IS IT ALWAYS THIS DIFFICULT!?" ( I think he even stomped his foot, too.)
My answer, very softly- "Every day." And then I smiled.
He then proceeded to ramble on, "Is it always this hard to get in touch with people around here?!"
And I held back....because I love my job, so so so...so, much-And I said nothing except a little shrug. But me and my telepathic coworker said in our minds, "Just doctors!"
In case you like happy endings, Mr.NiceDoctor DID eventually get in contact with the specialty he needed and the patient was started on 3 antibiotics. Happy Ending.
:-) WNB
.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Sleep or Die
Hello Everyone!
So, this is the first day in..........22 days, that I have to myself. No-plans-whatsoever. Not only do I not have plans, but its my first free space day in a long time. The past 3 weeks or so have been booked to the very last second. In order from spent most time doing to least time doing, let me attempt:
My point here is that sleep came last on the list. Being on night shift is great...when you don't have any thing to do the next day and you can sleep to your hearts content. But night shift is not great when you hit your 32nd hour awake and you really begin to reconsider your job choice.
So, needless to say I have learned a lot about the effects of sleep deprivation over the last month or so, and thats not from doing any research whatsoever. Just personal living.
Then one of my lovely followers/readers/passerbys sent me an infographic about sleep deprivation (how ever did he know?). I read it and it all made sense, not just with what I learned in nursing school but with what I was feeling. He kindly asked if I could share it, and I will do so at the end of the post so look for it.
But I wanted to be scholarly and document the sleep deprivations I was experiencing of my own. You know, in case the world ends but the internet survives (could that happen?) and the next alien/humanspecies to live can look back on our internet and when they get really tired they can google (if they have google) sleep deprivation and then realize that they are totally-not-alone. Phew! Anyway, moving on.... o_0
From my experience , I have noticed that there are phases of fatigue, that I go through at least. One day I would be fascinatingly interested to be a part of a bigger study to see if this applies to everyone.
- Lets say I wake up at 4 pm, I slept all day in preparation to go to work. (For non-night shifters, pretend I'm asking you to wake up at 4am, got it?)
- I work a 7pm- 7am shift. sometimes I have to stay at work as late as 9am. (For non-night shifters, pretend you woke up at 4am and then worked 7am-7pm, til as late as maybe even 9pm)
- At this stage in fatigue (stage 1) I get very hyper. Especially around people. I could probably pass for being on crack because I giggle a lot and run around in circles (not all the time, just sometimes- lol). I know a lot of people do this when approaching fatigue. Especially kids.
- Normally, I would go to sleep after I get home and then sleep for 7-8 hours and there is no problem. However, once in a blue moon there are times where something either planned or not planned requires your attention more so than sleep. Okay. No problem. (for non-night shifters, 9pm might be a little late to go out and do something, but its do-able, right? Right. No problem).
-But then, that thing you have to do? It either goes really late unexpectedly or it was planned that way and you were stupid enough to do it. This is where dangerous things happen because you start hitting your second wind, adrenaline gets used up trying to carry you through. You think- "Pshh I stayed up all night but I'm still awake so I can stay awake ALL DAY YAY!!!!!!" -_ - So lets say that thing goes until 3pm. (For non-night shifters, this is your 3am. remember you stayed awake all day working. YOu're pretty tired and cranky, right?)
-This is when I would say I enter Stage 2. This is when I notice the effects taking place in my brain/body but they might not be as noticeable to other people.
These effects include (Stage 2):
- You notice yourself start to space out. Sometimes at inopportune times. Like, driving. Or, cooking. You are doing whatever you are doing, and realize 7 minutes later that you've been off on some other planet for a while and you have to snap yourself back into place.
- You suddenly find it really hard to pay attention to people. Especially in conversations that you wouldn't particularly find interesting if you were wide awake, but you would be polite and listen anyway. But now- you still have enough energy to stare at the person and nod and smile and throw in the occasional "Yeah" or "oh, really?" but you realize that you literally have no clue what the person has said within the past 8 minutes and really, you don't care. Your attention span decreases. In order to get your attention, the house should be burning down or someone should have an expresso shot in their hands, for you. There have been times where I said to myself, "hey, this is kind of important, I should listen to what this person is saying." And I start to...but then I find that I have been on Venus and didn't catch anything in the last couple minutes and she's still talking. At THAT point, its like- why bother paying attention now? And you go back to Venus.
- It starts becoming really easy to lose your patience. Suddenly stupid people are the arch-enemy and they deserve to see your ultimate wrath and you have to use your last bit of energy to do your best to not blow up at all of them. Suddenly petty, silly matters that awake people are concerned about seem really, really, really stupid to you and you're not even sure why Earth exists anymore.
-At this point, you're wondering why you're still alive. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. Its like 4pm now, its almost time where you can leave whatever you are doing, and go to sleep without being a total outcast. (Non night shifters, this is your 4 am).
-Now you are entering stage 3. I call Stage 3 when you've hit 24 hours awake. The rest after is all stage 3 until you can make it into a bed. This is the scary stage and the stage I hate making it too, because I hate the person I become.
Stage 3 Effects that I have noticed:
- decreased appetite. You don't even have enough energy to eat. Literally, all you can realistically do is sit there. Nod. Smile. Stare into space. Wait. Think about sleep.
- You have heard me talk about emotional shutdown in a prior blog, but here you go into what I call "Physical shutdown". And this is the part I hate. Someone is asking you a question, or trying to talk to you, maybe even someone you love dearly (a family member or significant other), and you find that you can't even respond. You want to. You do. You have a response thought of in your head, but the energy that it takes to open your mouth and actually respond and have a conversation, that energy is too valuable. That last bit is focused solely on things like walking, safety. Survival mode kicks in and your body is exerting all its thinking power to actually save energy. I hate this because people that are awake and haven't been awake for 30 hours don't understand why you are quiet. They think maybe you are mad at them or something is wrong, with them. They get mad at you for not taking part in the social activity going on or conversation. And even so, you really, really don't care.
- You start dreaming when you are awake. Literally I didn't know this could happen but it is one hell of a phenomenon. There was one or two times I hit around 7pm (non night shift 7 am-27 hours awake) that I had a "space out" moment- but when I snapped out of it- I realized I actually just had a complete dream in my head. Plot, setting, new characters, the whole thing. But I was still awake, my eyes were open. The whole time.
- Being that you haven't eaten and you're in stage 3 (more than 24 hours) you start getting really dizzy, so beware of that.
- Simple things start to not make sense anymore. You start to have memory impairment, short term mostly affected. You feel like you have dementia because you approach a red light and you don't immediately understand that red light means stop. Someone hands you a fork and you think to yourself, what am I supposed to do with this? Scary. On that note- don't drive in stage 3 unless your or someones life depends on it.
- You know that feeling where you walk into a room and can't remember what you did that for? That happens all-the-time.
- Your thinking time slows dramatically. Normally when someone asks you, "What is 2 +2?" Your answer is almost instinct, its practically memorized- it requires no thinking whatsoever. You spit out "4" before they finish the question. But in stage 3, you have to actually think about the question and your response might not verbally surface until 10 seconds.
I have made it to 32 hours. I went to bed at 11 pm once in this said scenario. (Remember that's like asking you to get up at 4am, work until 9 am, stay awake all night and then go to bed at 11am.) But that was a dire circumstance and If you are in stage 3, I say get to bed as soon as possible. If you are waiting for it to be socially acceptable (if you still care about social norms) OR if you are concerned about sleeping through the entire night, I say after 8pm you are good to go. Its socially acceptable and you will sleep through the night and even sleep in.
I do think that it is possible to stay up past 40, with adrenaline. Meaning, in dire circumstances. Like you're in the army, or other militia and its been one attack after another, or maybe you stay awake 40 hours when your child is born. Or you are a survivor or a health care worker of a catastrophe, you just keep on going and going. I believe that when I'm in stage 3, I think I could snap out of it all and go do CPR on someone if I had to. I could still bring myself back to full capacity if I wanted to. But that's all adrenaline and I wouldn't do that for just anything, obviously. It would be a dire circumstance.
I have noticed a little bit of a questionable stage 4- but this is when you are sleeping. Stage 4 only hits when I have repeatedly been exhausted- I have lets say hit stage 3 one day and then didn't sleep enough to recover, or did it again the next day, or even no stage 3's but a lot of stage 2s. Regardless, you're not getting enough sleep. Stage 4 involves the main effect of being so tired, so friggen exhausted- that you aren't getting restful sleep. Its tricky though to explain because it doesn't always happen. And sometimes I get very restful sleep in terms of staying asleep, but I realize my dreamscape has been full of nightmares and a lot of them, or even just a lot of annoying dreams. So Stage 4 I guess is more long term. Suddenly when you're awake you can't recall if blips of memory that are coming to you happened in your dreamscape, or real life and its pretty confusing. The more tired you are during sleep, the more your dreams have the ability to trick you into they are reality.
So those are my personal effects I've noticed. Those effects are all short term and can be fixed with a healthy dose of Vitamin C, Calcium, probiotic, protein, electrolytes, and 16 hours of sleep. But long term? I don't know. I don't want to know. But the infographic touches on that. Pretty scary stuff. I think night shift screws a lot of things up, but you can stay healthy if you just make sure you get sound sleep during the day and make sure you plan for recovery time.
If you are wondering what my opinion is on substances to pick you back up (i.e. coffee, caffeine, 5 hour energy) I say BE CAREFUL. I use 5 hr energy myself, but only during stage 0 (during my work shift) and only sometimes. Be extremelyyyyyy careful with using it in stage 2 and I say not to use it in stage 3. Caffeine can only carry you so far and the effects can have dangerous symptoms on your already vulnerable body. Also, if consumed in stage 3, you might appreciate the short term benefits but the benefit will disappear shortly and the caffeine will still be in your system, meaning when you do finally get to sleep you might even have trouble sleeping. Be careful!
Phew, long post! Thanks for reading, I hope you found it interesting and helpful to all..I know all fellow night shifters out there know exactly what I'm talking about!
Here is the infographic I received :
Via: YourLocalSecurity.com
~WNB
.
So, this is the first day in..........22 days, that I have to myself. No-plans-whatsoever. Not only do I not have plans, but its my first free space day in a long time. The past 3 weeks or so have been booked to the very last second. In order from spent most time doing to least time doing, let me attempt:
- Working
- Running silly errands
- driving people places
- visiting people in far away places (driving)
- Holiday (easter was in there somewhere)
- spending valuable time with friends, dating occasionally
- eating.
- sleep.
My point here is that sleep came last on the list. Being on night shift is great...when you don't have any thing to do the next day and you can sleep to your hearts content. But night shift is not great when you hit your 32nd hour awake and you really begin to reconsider your job choice.
So, needless to say I have learned a lot about the effects of sleep deprivation over the last month or so, and thats not from doing any research whatsoever. Just personal living.
Then one of my lovely followers/readers/passerbys sent me an infographic about sleep deprivation (how ever did he know?). I read it and it all made sense, not just with what I learned in nursing school but with what I was feeling. He kindly asked if I could share it, and I will do so at the end of the post so look for it.
But I wanted to be scholarly and document the sleep deprivations I was experiencing of my own. You know, in case the world ends but the internet survives (could that happen?) and the next alien/humanspecies to live can look back on our internet and when they get really tired they can google (if they have google) sleep deprivation and then realize that they are totally-not-alone. Phew! Anyway, moving on.... o_0
From my experience , I have noticed that there are phases of fatigue, that I go through at least. One day I would be fascinatingly interested to be a part of a bigger study to see if this applies to everyone.
- Lets say I wake up at 4 pm, I slept all day in preparation to go to work. (For non-night shifters, pretend I'm asking you to wake up at 4am, got it?)
- I work a 7pm- 7am shift. sometimes I have to stay at work as late as 9am. (For non-night shifters, pretend you woke up at 4am and then worked 7am-7pm, til as late as maybe even 9pm)
- At this stage in fatigue (stage 1) I get very hyper. Especially around people. I could probably pass for being on crack because I giggle a lot and run around in circles (not all the time, just sometimes- lol). I know a lot of people do this when approaching fatigue. Especially kids.
- Normally, I would go to sleep after I get home and then sleep for 7-8 hours and there is no problem. However, once in a blue moon there are times where something either planned or not planned requires your attention more so than sleep. Okay. No problem. (for non-night shifters, 9pm might be a little late to go out and do something, but its do-able, right? Right. No problem).
-But then, that thing you have to do? It either goes really late unexpectedly or it was planned that way and you were stupid enough to do it. This is where dangerous things happen because you start hitting your second wind, adrenaline gets used up trying to carry you through. You think- "Pshh I stayed up all night but I'm still awake so I can stay awake ALL DAY YAY!!!!!!" -_ - So lets say that thing goes until 3pm. (For non-night shifters, this is your 3am. remember you stayed awake all day working. YOu're pretty tired and cranky, right?)
-This is when I would say I enter Stage 2. This is when I notice the effects taking place in my brain/body but they might not be as noticeable to other people.
These effects include (Stage 2):
- You notice yourself start to space out. Sometimes at inopportune times. Like, driving. Or, cooking. You are doing whatever you are doing, and realize 7 minutes later that you've been off on some other planet for a while and you have to snap yourself back into place.
- You suddenly find it really hard to pay attention to people. Especially in conversations that you wouldn't particularly find interesting if you were wide awake, but you would be polite and listen anyway. But now- you still have enough energy to stare at the person and nod and smile and throw in the occasional "Yeah" or "oh, really?" but you realize that you literally have no clue what the person has said within the past 8 minutes and really, you don't care. Your attention span decreases. In order to get your attention, the house should be burning down or someone should have an expresso shot in their hands, for you. There have been times where I said to myself, "hey, this is kind of important, I should listen to what this person is saying." And I start to...but then I find that I have been on Venus and didn't catch anything in the last couple minutes and she's still talking. At THAT point, its like- why bother paying attention now? And you go back to Venus.
- It starts becoming really easy to lose your patience. Suddenly stupid people are the arch-enemy and they deserve to see your ultimate wrath and you have to use your last bit of energy to do your best to not blow up at all of them. Suddenly petty, silly matters that awake people are concerned about seem really, really, really stupid to you and you're not even sure why Earth exists anymore.
-At this point, you're wondering why you're still alive. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. Its like 4pm now, its almost time where you can leave whatever you are doing, and go to sleep without being a total outcast. (Non night shifters, this is your 4 am).
-Now you are entering stage 3. I call Stage 3 when you've hit 24 hours awake. The rest after is all stage 3 until you can make it into a bed. This is the scary stage and the stage I hate making it too, because I hate the person I become.
Stage 3 Effects that I have noticed:
- decreased appetite. You don't even have enough energy to eat. Literally, all you can realistically do is sit there. Nod. Smile. Stare into space. Wait. Think about sleep.
- You have heard me talk about emotional shutdown in a prior blog, but here you go into what I call "Physical shutdown". And this is the part I hate. Someone is asking you a question, or trying to talk to you, maybe even someone you love dearly (a family member or significant other), and you find that you can't even respond. You want to. You do. You have a response thought of in your head, but the energy that it takes to open your mouth and actually respond and have a conversation, that energy is too valuable. That last bit is focused solely on things like walking, safety. Survival mode kicks in and your body is exerting all its thinking power to actually save energy. I hate this because people that are awake and haven't been awake for 30 hours don't understand why you are quiet. They think maybe you are mad at them or something is wrong, with them. They get mad at you for not taking part in the social activity going on or conversation. And even so, you really, really don't care.
- You start dreaming when you are awake. Literally I didn't know this could happen but it is one hell of a phenomenon. There was one or two times I hit around 7pm (non night shift 7 am-27 hours awake) that I had a "space out" moment- but when I snapped out of it- I realized I actually just had a complete dream in my head. Plot, setting, new characters, the whole thing. But I was still awake, my eyes were open. The whole time.
- Being that you haven't eaten and you're in stage 3 (more than 24 hours) you start getting really dizzy, so beware of that.
- Simple things start to not make sense anymore. You start to have memory impairment, short term mostly affected. You feel like you have dementia because you approach a red light and you don't immediately understand that red light means stop. Someone hands you a fork and you think to yourself, what am I supposed to do with this? Scary. On that note- don't drive in stage 3 unless your or someones life depends on it.
- You know that feeling where you walk into a room and can't remember what you did that for? That happens all-the-time.
- Your thinking time slows dramatically. Normally when someone asks you, "What is 2 +2?" Your answer is almost instinct, its practically memorized- it requires no thinking whatsoever. You spit out "4" before they finish the question. But in stage 3, you have to actually think about the question and your response might not verbally surface until 10 seconds.
I have made it to 32 hours. I went to bed at 11 pm once in this said scenario. (Remember that's like asking you to get up at 4am, work until 9 am, stay awake all night and then go to bed at 11am.) But that was a dire circumstance and If you are in stage 3, I say get to bed as soon as possible. If you are waiting for it to be socially acceptable (if you still care about social norms) OR if you are concerned about sleeping through the entire night, I say after 8pm you are good to go. Its socially acceptable and you will sleep through the night and even sleep in.
I do think that it is possible to stay up past 40, with adrenaline. Meaning, in dire circumstances. Like you're in the army, or other militia and its been one attack after another, or maybe you stay awake 40 hours when your child is born. Or you are a survivor or a health care worker of a catastrophe, you just keep on going and going. I believe that when I'm in stage 3, I think I could snap out of it all and go do CPR on someone if I had to. I could still bring myself back to full capacity if I wanted to. But that's all adrenaline and I wouldn't do that for just anything, obviously. It would be a dire circumstance.
I have noticed a little bit of a questionable stage 4- but this is when you are sleeping. Stage 4 only hits when I have repeatedly been exhausted- I have lets say hit stage 3 one day and then didn't sleep enough to recover, or did it again the next day, or even no stage 3's but a lot of stage 2s. Regardless, you're not getting enough sleep. Stage 4 involves the main effect of being so tired, so friggen exhausted- that you aren't getting restful sleep. Its tricky though to explain because it doesn't always happen. And sometimes I get very restful sleep in terms of staying asleep, but I realize my dreamscape has been full of nightmares and a lot of them, or even just a lot of annoying dreams. So Stage 4 I guess is more long term. Suddenly when you're awake you can't recall if blips of memory that are coming to you happened in your dreamscape, or real life and its pretty confusing. The more tired you are during sleep, the more your dreams have the ability to trick you into they are reality.
So those are my personal effects I've noticed. Those effects are all short term and can be fixed with a healthy dose of Vitamin C, Calcium, probiotic, protein, electrolytes, and 16 hours of sleep. But long term? I don't know. I don't want to know. But the infographic touches on that. Pretty scary stuff. I think night shift screws a lot of things up, but you can stay healthy if you just make sure you get sound sleep during the day and make sure you plan for recovery time.
If you are wondering what my opinion is on substances to pick you back up (i.e. coffee, caffeine, 5 hour energy) I say BE CAREFUL. I use 5 hr energy myself, but only during stage 0 (during my work shift) and only sometimes. Be extremelyyyyyy careful with using it in stage 2 and I say not to use it in stage 3. Caffeine can only carry you so far and the effects can have dangerous symptoms on your already vulnerable body. Also, if consumed in stage 3, you might appreciate the short term benefits but the benefit will disappear shortly and the caffeine will still be in your system, meaning when you do finally get to sleep you might even have trouble sleeping. Be careful!
Phew, long post! Thanks for reading, I hope you found it interesting and helpful to all..I know all fellow night shifters out there know exactly what I'm talking about!
Here is the infographic I received :
Via: YourLocalSecurity.com
~WNB
.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
The Forbidden Nursing Word
If you go on to any nursing unit, anywhere- Chances are there will be a universal unwritten rule amongst the staff nurses that it is never acceptable to say 'boy, its a quiet night tonight'. The forbidden word in that sentence being "quiet". Also on the list of major forbidden words, "what a boring night." It is okay to say these words only if you seek trauma/psychos/crazyshit to happen and you are the person willing to deal with all this crazyshit because you are the one that said it.
So that's the universal unwritten rule in nursing. But why is that? Doesn't that just add to our job dissatisfaction? Are we not allowed to bask in the joy of having a slow moment when not all of your patients are going ballistic? Why are we one of the few professions where we are not allowed to say "its so quiet. I'm going to enjoy this moment." Nurses believe in karmic balance, we believe in jinxes, we believe in full moons. At least on my unit. We all know that if that word is said, we can expect things to start picking up. In a bad way.
We believe in jinxes. Way too heavily. A couple of weeks ago, I was bragging profusely to a coworker that despite working on this job for nearly 6 years, I had never been assaulted. Kicked, punched, hit, bitten, scratched. Nothing. What happens 4 hours later? I got punched. Big time. By a patient. If that's not enough to make you think twice about the jinx phenomenon- Get this: We had a quiet night last night- not much going on. We were all walking on ice- afraid to say that word, but were finally happy to be able to take a little bit of a deep breath. Then- Out of the blue- 2am- we get a code blue. One of our patients stopped breathing. We of course call out all the stops and whatnot, run the code. The patient ended up not making it. After the code, during the time I was sitting down with the resident having him sign the papers, he told me- "I think this is my fault." I asked him, what do you mean? He said back, "Earlier this shift I was bragging to the other residents I've never had to pronounce any of my patients dead yet."
After he said that, I wanted to punch him in the face. Why would someone ever bring that karmic invite on?...
Lately the unit has been......insane. I have never particularly enjoyed psychiatric patients, and in the past two weeks I've been punched by a psych patient, and taken 4 knives away from another. Both under my direct supervision. And besides those incidents, its just been a run for our money in every way. A true test of patience, strength, passion and endurance.
I've discovered something about myself in all of this though, a new defense mechanism I didn't even really know I had in me. On the unit, there have been moments where everything is coming at you at once, you are having the worst possible night, no one can help you because everyone else is having a bad night too (in addition to your hospital being severely understaffed), and you face a decision: You lose it and throw a complete temper tantrum on the floor/ run out of the hospital screaming, or you find SOME way to keep yourself together. Not just together, but you have to be able to put on a smile and keep calm entirely in front of your patients and not let them see you're having a bad night in any way. Its definitely not easy.
So my new defense mechanism is something new. In order to prevent my inner psyche from going completely nuts, I went into what I see as an emotional shutdown. I went through the motions. I did what I had to do. I said only what needed to be said. I remained calm. I thought things through. I did my job. But I wasn't emotionally there...I couldn't be. Its like my brain and body were still working but my mind and soul weren't.
On my particular unit, we can't really take breaks. There are only two nurses on staff at all times and leaving the floor is not allowed. So my break consists of eating a sandwich at the nurses station. Also, being that there are times we are severely understaffed and have no aide, if a call light or problem arises while you are sitting and eating your sandwich- you must go attend to this. So really, you don't get a "true break". There have been night shifts where I couldn't even find the 4 minutes it took to pee until about 5 am. That's why nurses have extraordinary bladders. They expand :-)
But all this has definitely made me re-think whether or not I chose the right career. Its gotten me pretty low in the dumps, and its brought on a lot of thought. Lets start with the good- I am incredibly thankful for where I have gone in life. Meaning- I love having the medical knowledge database in my head. I love figuring out the mysteries, I love diagnosing people, I love applying medical knowledge, I love explaining things to laypeople, I love knowing more than the residents (hehe). I love the fact that when I have kids, I will know how to help them medically. I love that If I'm first responder to any accident as a drivebyer- I can apply basic medical attention. I can respond to emergencies on airplanes. I want to learn more and more and more about the medical field and apply it all. Its like a giant equation, a giant puzzle- and I want to collect all the pieces.
I keep revolving back to the fact that I should have just followed my heart. My true heart. I just, once again, didn't have enough confidence in myself to believe I could succeed. I should have gotten a job that allowed me to exercise my creative artistic side at work. With Pixar. Or with a graphic design company. As a Writer. As a music-video design artist. As a movie-maker. ANY other job on this planet that could let me make art every day......that....would be my ultimate key to happiness. Sure I can make art on the side now. But in my time off- when I'm exhausted. When my mind is absolutely reeling from the shift I just had.
I think I'm mad at myself for just feeling this jaded after only five months of nursing. I wouldn't say that I am burned out, but the fire is lit and it shouldn't be. Not this early. I have to fix things. I'm tired of holding it all together. I'm tired of pretending to be strong.
_WNB.
.
So that's the universal unwritten rule in nursing. But why is that? Doesn't that just add to our job dissatisfaction? Are we not allowed to bask in the joy of having a slow moment when not all of your patients are going ballistic? Why are we one of the few professions where we are not allowed to say "its so quiet. I'm going to enjoy this moment." Nurses believe in karmic balance, we believe in jinxes, we believe in full moons. At least on my unit. We all know that if that word is said, we can expect things to start picking up. In a bad way.
We believe in jinxes. Way too heavily. A couple of weeks ago, I was bragging profusely to a coworker that despite working on this job for nearly 6 years, I had never been assaulted. Kicked, punched, hit, bitten, scratched. Nothing. What happens 4 hours later? I got punched. Big time. By a patient. If that's not enough to make you think twice about the jinx phenomenon- Get this: We had a quiet night last night- not much going on. We were all walking on ice- afraid to say that word, but were finally happy to be able to take a little bit of a deep breath. Then- Out of the blue- 2am- we get a code blue. One of our patients stopped breathing. We of course call out all the stops and whatnot, run the code. The patient ended up not making it. After the code, during the time I was sitting down with the resident having him sign the papers, he told me- "I think this is my fault." I asked him, what do you mean? He said back, "Earlier this shift I was bragging to the other residents I've never had to pronounce any of my patients dead yet."
After he said that, I wanted to punch him in the face. Why would someone ever bring that karmic invite on?...
Lately the unit has been......insane. I have never particularly enjoyed psychiatric patients, and in the past two weeks I've been punched by a psych patient, and taken 4 knives away from another. Both under my direct supervision. And besides those incidents, its just been a run for our money in every way. A true test of patience, strength, passion and endurance.
I've discovered something about myself in all of this though, a new defense mechanism I didn't even really know I had in me. On the unit, there have been moments where everything is coming at you at once, you are having the worst possible night, no one can help you because everyone else is having a bad night too (in addition to your hospital being severely understaffed), and you face a decision: You lose it and throw a complete temper tantrum on the floor/ run out of the hospital screaming, or you find SOME way to keep yourself together. Not just together, but you have to be able to put on a smile and keep calm entirely in front of your patients and not let them see you're having a bad night in any way. Its definitely not easy.
So my new defense mechanism is something new. In order to prevent my inner psyche from going completely nuts, I went into what I see as an emotional shutdown. I went through the motions. I did what I had to do. I said only what needed to be said. I remained calm. I thought things through. I did my job. But I wasn't emotionally there...I couldn't be. Its like my brain and body were still working but my mind and soul weren't.
On my particular unit, we can't really take breaks. There are only two nurses on staff at all times and leaving the floor is not allowed. So my break consists of eating a sandwich at the nurses station. Also, being that there are times we are severely understaffed and have no aide, if a call light or problem arises while you are sitting and eating your sandwich- you must go attend to this. So really, you don't get a "true break". There have been night shifts where I couldn't even find the 4 minutes it took to pee until about 5 am. That's why nurses have extraordinary bladders. They expand :-)
But all this has definitely made me re-think whether or not I chose the right career. Its gotten me pretty low in the dumps, and its brought on a lot of thought. Lets start with the good- I am incredibly thankful for where I have gone in life. Meaning- I love having the medical knowledge database in my head. I love figuring out the mysteries, I love diagnosing people, I love applying medical knowledge, I love explaining things to laypeople, I love knowing more than the residents (hehe). I love the fact that when I have kids, I will know how to help them medically. I love that If I'm first responder to any accident as a drivebyer- I can apply basic medical attention. I can respond to emergencies on airplanes. I want to learn more and more and more about the medical field and apply it all. Its like a giant equation, a giant puzzle- and I want to collect all the pieces.
I keep revolving back to the fact that I should have just followed my heart. My true heart. I just, once again, didn't have enough confidence in myself to believe I could succeed. I should have gotten a job that allowed me to exercise my creative artistic side at work. With Pixar. Or with a graphic design company. As a Writer. As a music-video design artist. As a movie-maker. ANY other job on this planet that could let me make art every day......that....would be my ultimate key to happiness. Sure I can make art on the side now. But in my time off- when I'm exhausted. When my mind is absolutely reeling from the shift I just had.
I think I'm mad at myself for just feeling this jaded after only five months of nursing. I wouldn't say that I am burned out, but the fire is lit and it shouldn't be. Not this early. I have to fix things. I'm tired of holding it all together. I'm tired of pretending to be strong.
_WNB.
.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
All of the Sudden...
All of the sudden,
I am 23, and all of my friends work full time 9-5 jobs......
I went to the beach today (Its about a 2 hour ride for us where I live). It was awesome. I invited a couple different people to go- everyone declined- they were all working. And it occured to me. We're all really growing up.
THis totally sucks!
THe funny part is, I have a full time job, too. I have a really hard, stressful, chaotic anxiety driven full time job, too. And yet I still magically get 3-4 days off per week, and can totally go to the beach all day on a wednesday, If I so desire that day when I wake up.
I think I need to find a person that has a crazy schedule too. 9-5 M-F is too.....predictable. :-\
I feel like a total five year old, complaining. Oh well.
~WNB
I am 23, and all of my friends work full time 9-5 jobs......
I went to the beach today (Its about a 2 hour ride for us where I live). It was awesome. I invited a couple different people to go- everyone declined- they were all working. And it occured to me. We're all really growing up.
THis totally sucks!
THe funny part is, I have a full time job, too. I have a really hard, stressful, chaotic anxiety driven full time job, too. And yet I still magically get 3-4 days off per week, and can totally go to the beach all day on a wednesday, If I so desire that day when I wake up.
I think I need to find a person that has a crazy schedule too. 9-5 M-F is too.....predictable. :-\
I feel like a total five year old, complaining. Oh well.
~WNB
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Life is Funny That Way
So in December, I joined a gym a couple of minutes from my house. My primary goal was not just weight loss- I was specifically looking for a way to play tennis indoors all winter. When I joined the gym, I also noticed I was now eligible for a free racquetball lesson.
Racquetball? Honestly, I had heard of the game maybe once or twice, and only knew it was "the game you play in the box". But, obviously, its with a racquet, its free, and I thought I would give it a try.
So I went for the lesson, and I sucked. Well, I thought I did. Apparantly, I did well for never having played, but thats probably thank you to tennis experience. However, it just so happens that the director of the racquetball programs walked by as I was finishing my lesson, and asked if I would be *interested* in joining a beginners racquetball league. I thought about it....I thought, OK- It can't hurt to just put my name down to be emailed about it, right?
So sure enough, I never went back to play. I got back into working, christmas came, went on vacation, etc. Then, one day I get an email about the league. It was scheduled to be every tuesday. I emailed back with concern that I wouldn't be available on tuesdays being that my work schedule changes weekly. No problem, they said- just rearrange your match. To me- that interaction wasn't a *go ahead and put me in the tournament* interaction.
However, sure enough, a couple weeks later I get an email of the tournament schedule- and sure enough- I was on it, after only having had one lesson.
My first reaction- after my pulse racing- was NO! Absolutely not! I will nottttttttttt do this, how can I best get out of this?? But then I thought- man the whole tournament is matched- If i back out it will extraordinarishly hard to reschedule....I have to play. But I can't play. I can't. I won't. But I have to. What do I do??
So I talked to friends about it, and of course- the general concensus was- DO IT! I realized, with their help that I have to try new things and if it really sucks that bad, then it will be over soon and its not the end of the world. Great.
So next thing I did was schedule myself for another lesson, and went and bought all my supplies! Yikes!
Well, I won my first match so far! (yay!) but lost my second match (nay)- but thats not the point.
The point is, is that I'm absolutely falling in love with the sport! I can't stop thinking about it! I love it! Yes, it is a very intense workout like no other. You have to think extremely quickly and move even faster than that. But I love racquet sports. And there's just something so stress relieving about making that impact between the ball and your racquet.......ahh. The other day after work I went to play- by myself, just to hit the ball around. Its so nice being in an enclosed area where you can hit the ball as hard as you want and it comes right back to you. On a tennis court you have to go running after it all the time, bring 50 balls, etc.
So, thats my funny story of the week. I shall keep you updated on how it all pans out, but I'm pretty sure I'm a new lifelong player :)
~WNB
Racquetball? Honestly, I had heard of the game maybe once or twice, and only knew it was "the game you play in the box". But, obviously, its with a racquet, its free, and I thought I would give it a try.
So I went for the lesson, and I sucked. Well, I thought I did. Apparantly, I did well for never having played, but thats probably thank you to tennis experience. However, it just so happens that the director of the racquetball programs walked by as I was finishing my lesson, and asked if I would be *interested* in joining a beginners racquetball league. I thought about it....I thought, OK- It can't hurt to just put my name down to be emailed about it, right?
So sure enough, I never went back to play. I got back into working, christmas came, went on vacation, etc. Then, one day I get an email about the league. It was scheduled to be every tuesday. I emailed back with concern that I wouldn't be available on tuesdays being that my work schedule changes weekly. No problem, they said- just rearrange your match. To me- that interaction wasn't a *go ahead and put me in the tournament* interaction.
However, sure enough, a couple weeks later I get an email of the tournament schedule- and sure enough- I was on it, after only having had one lesson.
My first reaction- after my pulse racing- was NO! Absolutely not! I will nottttttttttt do this, how can I best get out of this?? But then I thought- man the whole tournament is matched- If i back out it will extraordinarishly hard to reschedule....I have to play. But I can't play. I can't. I won't. But I have to. What do I do??
So I talked to friends about it, and of course- the general concensus was- DO IT! I realized, with their help that I have to try new things and if it really sucks that bad, then it will be over soon and its not the end of the world. Great.
So next thing I did was schedule myself for another lesson, and went and bought all my supplies! Yikes!
Well, I won my first match so far! (yay!) but lost my second match (nay)- but thats not the point.
The point is, is that I'm absolutely falling in love with the sport! I can't stop thinking about it! I love it! Yes, it is a very intense workout like no other. You have to think extremely quickly and move even faster than that. But I love racquet sports. And there's just something so stress relieving about making that impact between the ball and your racquet.......ahh. The other day after work I went to play- by myself, just to hit the ball around. Its so nice being in an enclosed area where you can hit the ball as hard as you want and it comes right back to you. On a tennis court you have to go running after it all the time, bring 50 balls, etc.
So, thats my funny story of the week. I shall keep you updated on how it all pans out, but I'm pretty sure I'm a new lifelong player :)
~WNB
Monday, February 27, 2012
HA!
 |
| HAHAHAH. |
Just saw these posted on Nurse's Rock and it really makes me wish I was a nurse in New York! HA! Although part of me still thinks that even though its "the law", those nurses probably still get beat up. But its nice to at least have it be.....the law.
Because in New Jersey, we just have to......well, duck. Dodge. Don't get hit.
Now, luckily, I am small. I'm 5'2" and 145lbs, so I can move pretty quickly usually. I am also very aware of my surroundings at all times, and have a somewhat extra sense of being able to predict people's actions by the way they are radiating emotions. That being said, (knock on wood!) I have not been "assaulted" in the past 6 years.
HOWEVER:
I have:
- Had a tray full of food, silverware and glass plates thrown at me. I ducked. It hit the door behind me. And I still cleaned it up. After I took away all sharp objects near her.
- Had an IV pole thrown at me. I moved. Quickly.
- Been a victim at attempted biting. I moved fast enough to not be bit, yet.
- been scratched, I pretty much bathed my arm in alcohol that day.
- had nails dug into my arms, hands, etc. That's always fun.
- had an entire cup of coffee thrown at me, I ducked. Thank god. Took away alllllll liquids after that.
- been spit at, I ducked. Yay.
I have:
- seen nurses with legit wounds created by patients
- seen nurses sent to the ER, with wounds inflicted by patients
- seen scratches on other nurses that left scars
- seen bruises on other nurses that lasted longer than a week
So who says nursing isn't dangerous? Anyone that thinks nursing is for sissy little girls can go kick my A$$, thank you very much!
~WNB
WE ARE NINJA NURSES! :D
Sunday, February 26, 2012
What is a Nurse?
A (Good) nurse is :
A nurse is not:
C'mon fellow nurses out there- leave some comments with some more you can think of!
~WNB
.
- A nurse
- a friend, to hold your hand
- A psychologist, to help you through your strangest quirks and secrets
- A mom, to tell you "no" and put things back in perspective.
- a politician, so the hospital is a better place.
- an advocate, so we make sure the doctors don't kill you.
- a security guard, for when you start freaking out.
- a mechanic, for fixing everything and anything that breaks on the floor.
- a gymnast, for bending in really small spaces to plug in your IV.
- an artist, you are our canvas.
- a scientist, because what else do we use our critical thinking for?
- A diagnostician, because sometimes we diagnose you before the doctors do.
A nurse is not:
- a waiter, we are not employed to go and get you 4 sandwiches in 3 hours.
- a hotel attendant, we are not going to put a mint on your pillows.
- a punching bag, yeah-just try.
- your drug dealer, because actually- we can't just give you unlimited amounts of narcotics.
- a Marriage/family counselor- solve your own damn problems with your family, outside of the hospital.
C'mon fellow nurses out there- leave some comments with some more you can think of!
~WNB
.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Better Than Xanax, Musical Therapy!
This seems to be the current "Calm-me-down" song of the month for me lately....I play it on Volume 60 (really f-ing high) in my car after every shift. The loudness and the awesomosity of this particular version of the song just helps me.....forget all the shit that happened over night. It just helps distract me, get away from the hospital. Back to me, back to reality. Hopefully it keeps working .Its just so AWESOME!
AWESOME.
~WNB
Lets just say, work has sucked lately. -_-
AWESOME.
~WNB
Lets just say, work has sucked lately. -_-
Friday, January 13, 2012
Anxiety.
HI! Wow. Okay. So, I know I can't give this disclaimer every friggen time I post, but again, I am so sorry for not updating more often lately. Life has been.....really strange lately? My "me" time has been severely compromised. Its January 13th and I feel like I'm still waiting for the holidays to just simmer down. Is it terribly wrong that I am longing for a day, just one day, to just have to lie in bed and watch tv, read, draw, and eat all day? Not see anyone, not run any errands, not work, not solve any problems......? And yet I can't ask for that. That, for me, is not healthy, and I've come to realize that. If I let myself do that, I don't come out of it. Once in bed doing nothing for the day, I never want to stop. Suddenly the simplest errand to run becomes a giant, monumental task that I come up with multiple reasons why I shouldn't do it. I make up lots and lots of reasons why I should stay in bed therefore and only get out to eat, sometimes.
So I have to have balance. And that is hard to find, especially on night shift. Because on top of it all, on a work day, on a off-day, on a normal day, on a not normal day, I'm tired. I'm tired when I slept all day to recover from the previous night shift. I'm constantly yawning. So I want to crawl into bed. The bed, all the sudden, becomes the number one priority and I just can't wait to crawl back in, day after day, always looking for the next opportunity that I can sleep and I'm allowed to sleep.
So, I have to figure something out, I guess. Each day, I try to accomplish a mission on my neverending to-do list. Something I've been procrastinating, putting off. Something I've been afraid to do or finish. Each one of these tasks that I accomplish, life gets a little better and I can sleep better, knowing that at least I accomplished something small that day. Anything.
I know that this lifestyle is worth it. That I'll get through it. That despite the above depressing three paragraphs, that I am in here and I am going to be OK. It's winter. I'm on night shift. I see the sun 5% of the time it is out. I am practically a vampire. I like to follow the delusion that I am reacting normally, and I'll be fine. I definitely don't plan to be on night shift for long.
I know its worth it because I help people at work. I know I do. Its the hardest job I have ever done thus far, and who knows, maybe the hardest division of nursing. Floor nursing.
I am getting better every day. Every shift. I learn something new every day at work. I am slowly developing a bag of skills and tricks to use to make me a better nurse in the future. Other nurses have told me they forget that I'm new, and forget that they need to help me at times, because they think I'm good. And that is good, I guess, but it makes it hard. I like figuring things out, I like solving problems for patients. I like making ethical decisions. I can't wait to be a seasoned experienced nurse so that I can do all those things, except better. I try and solve problems now, and I do, but in 10, 20 years....I can exponentially solve those problems even better. I can't wait to have those extraordinary skills. That "nursing instinct". To know what is wrong with my patient without even them running a test. I want that.
I'm doing fabulously better with communication with doctors. Extraordinary. I never thought I'd say this, but the problem went from being 95% of a problem to nearly 5%. I learned pretty quickly that, 1) Doctors signed on to be called at the randomest of times when they took an oath be a doctor, that 2) if they don't want to be called, they'd have hospitalist/residents cover for them, and 3) in the heat of the moment, you don't have time to be nervous to call the doctor, you just have to call and 4) it is your JOB to at least call the doctor and make them aware.
So thats not a problem for me anymore.
What is my current problem? The simple, mundane task of starting an IV. I am not getting them. The one thing I thought I'd be good at, the one thing I thought I'd enjoy doing....I'm just not getting it. I'm not getting the best veins to go for in the first place. I see everyone as a "hard stick" unless they have bulging veins I could put a 18 G in. Its my number one thing I'm afraid of. I know this fear will go away by practicing. But practicing sucks for your victims. I hate hurting people. I hate having to stick people just so I can get practice, and then not getting the stick and having to send better nurses in. But, I'm still only 3 months old. I'll get it. In time. Just have to....keep practicing.
Other than that, I just have to learn new things yet. I have to just wait for new experiences.
I'm still afraid to have my first Code, or even first CAT/ RRT call. I'm trying to avoid my first Code BY calling the CAT/RRT before the Code. I try to do my best by remembering everything about my patient all the time so that in the unfortunate a code or CAT/RRT call happens, I can tell the team everything they need to know....but I'm still pretty scared.
The worst part of it all is the anxiety. The insomnia. Every time i do try and sleep, my entire shift replays in my head. Did I cross my T's and dot my I's? Did I remember to waste all the drugs in the machine. Did I remember to chart about everything I did? These thoughts race through my head. My entire shift gets repeated, constantly, in my head, just waiting for a mistake for me to realize I did, so that I don't get any sleep. I hope that 1) this is normal for new nurses and 2) this will go away soon....its exhausting and definitely not contributing to restful sleep.
Well, I work tonight. Every shift I have to make myself a better nurse, somehow. I remember always having a back up plan in school, like- "If I don't pass this test, or if I fail out of the program, what am I going to major in next? What will I do?" Well I passed school, I graduated, I got a job now. Obviously. But the confidence still isn't there. I'm still constantly conjuring up a back up plan. Is that detrimental to my career? I'm constantly thinking, "If I get sued so bad I can't practice anymore, or If I got fired, or If I got laid off, or lost my license, what would I do with my life? Would I be able to move on? To do something else? To maybe follow my real dream, art?" I think these thoughts are detrimental.
But anyway. Time to get some shut-eye before tonights shift. Sorry, depressing post. But it helped, a lot. Got a lot of my current anxious thoughts out of my head. Look forward soon to a happy post. With photography. And artwork. And a movie review! Coming up! :-)
With love,
~WNB
PS- Don't worry about me, I'll be alright. I promise :-)
.
So I have to have balance. And that is hard to find, especially on night shift. Because on top of it all, on a work day, on a off-day, on a normal day, on a not normal day, I'm tired. I'm tired when I slept all day to recover from the previous night shift. I'm constantly yawning. So I want to crawl into bed. The bed, all the sudden, becomes the number one priority and I just can't wait to crawl back in, day after day, always looking for the next opportunity that I can sleep and I'm allowed to sleep.
So, I have to figure something out, I guess. Each day, I try to accomplish a mission on my neverending to-do list. Something I've been procrastinating, putting off. Something I've been afraid to do or finish. Each one of these tasks that I accomplish, life gets a little better and I can sleep better, knowing that at least I accomplished something small that day. Anything.
I know that this lifestyle is worth it. That I'll get through it. That despite the above depressing three paragraphs, that I am in here and I am going to be OK. It's winter. I'm on night shift. I see the sun 5% of the time it is out. I am practically a vampire. I like to follow the delusion that I am reacting normally, and I'll be fine. I definitely don't plan to be on night shift for long.
I know its worth it because I help people at work. I know I do. Its the hardest job I have ever done thus far, and who knows, maybe the hardest division of nursing. Floor nursing.
I am getting better every day. Every shift. I learn something new every day at work. I am slowly developing a bag of skills and tricks to use to make me a better nurse in the future. Other nurses have told me they forget that I'm new, and forget that they need to help me at times, because they think I'm good. And that is good, I guess, but it makes it hard. I like figuring things out, I like solving problems for patients. I like making ethical decisions. I can't wait to be a seasoned experienced nurse so that I can do all those things, except better. I try and solve problems now, and I do, but in 10, 20 years....I can exponentially solve those problems even better. I can't wait to have those extraordinary skills. That "nursing instinct". To know what is wrong with my patient without even them running a test. I want that.
I'm doing fabulously better with communication with doctors. Extraordinary. I never thought I'd say this, but the problem went from being 95% of a problem to nearly 5%. I learned pretty quickly that, 1) Doctors signed on to be called at the randomest of times when they took an oath be a doctor, that 2) if they don't want to be called, they'd have hospitalist/residents cover for them, and 3) in the heat of the moment, you don't have time to be nervous to call the doctor, you just have to call and 4) it is your JOB to at least call the doctor and make them aware.
So thats not a problem for me anymore.
What is my current problem? The simple, mundane task of starting an IV. I am not getting them. The one thing I thought I'd be good at, the one thing I thought I'd enjoy doing....I'm just not getting it. I'm not getting the best veins to go for in the first place. I see everyone as a "hard stick" unless they have bulging veins I could put a 18 G in. Its my number one thing I'm afraid of. I know this fear will go away by practicing. But practicing sucks for your victims. I hate hurting people. I hate having to stick people just so I can get practice, and then not getting the stick and having to send better nurses in. But, I'm still only 3 months old. I'll get it. In time. Just have to....keep practicing.
Other than that, I just have to learn new things yet. I have to just wait for new experiences.
I'm still afraid to have my first Code, or even first CAT/ RRT call. I'm trying to avoid my first Code BY calling the CAT/RRT before the Code. I try to do my best by remembering everything about my patient all the time so that in the unfortunate a code or CAT/RRT call happens, I can tell the team everything they need to know....but I'm still pretty scared.
The worst part of it all is the anxiety. The insomnia. Every time i do try and sleep, my entire shift replays in my head. Did I cross my T's and dot my I's? Did I remember to waste all the drugs in the machine. Did I remember to chart about everything I did? These thoughts race through my head. My entire shift gets repeated, constantly, in my head, just waiting for a mistake for me to realize I did, so that I don't get any sleep. I hope that 1) this is normal for new nurses and 2) this will go away soon....its exhausting and definitely not contributing to restful sleep.
Well, I work tonight. Every shift I have to make myself a better nurse, somehow. I remember always having a back up plan in school, like- "If I don't pass this test, or if I fail out of the program, what am I going to major in next? What will I do?" Well I passed school, I graduated, I got a job now. Obviously. But the confidence still isn't there. I'm still constantly conjuring up a back up plan. Is that detrimental to my career? I'm constantly thinking, "If I get sued so bad I can't practice anymore, or If I got fired, or If I got laid off, or lost my license, what would I do with my life? Would I be able to move on? To do something else? To maybe follow my real dream, art?" I think these thoughts are detrimental.
But anyway. Time to get some shut-eye before tonights shift. Sorry, depressing post. But it helped, a lot. Got a lot of my current anxious thoughts out of my head. Look forward soon to a happy post. With photography. And artwork. And a movie review! Coming up! :-)
With love,
~WNB
PS- Don't worry about me, I'll be alright. I promise :-)
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Sunday, December 11, 2011
In Sickness and in Health
This has been probably the weekend with the most lessons learned in one spree of shifts since working as an RN. My first shift started with a set of all new patients, as I hadn't been there in a couple days. The words "You have a brand new ICU transfer" are never exceedingly happy words to a new graduates ears. And this case was exceedingly unique.
This lady had been in the hospital for weeks before her ICU trip and before she was my patient. Just two days before receiving her as my own, she had a major abdominal surgery, taking out 20 pounds of subcutaneous fat that was touching her knees and therefore creating a pressure ulcer, on her abdomen. Yikes.
So, this lady is still, even minus the 20 pounds, a good 400 pounds. She is 71 years old. She has four drains coming out of her abdomen that are draining the fluid from the surgery site. Meanwhile, guess how many I'd worked with before these four? You guessed it, none. As an aide I had come from a Medical oriented floor rather than surgical. Anyway, her incision site was 1.5 feet (yes, feet) across her abdomen, and it was leaking. A lot. Can I add here that I have minimal experience in uncovering, cleaning, and redressing surgery sites?
I guess there's nothing like throwing you into the worst of the worst and learning that way. After working with her all weekend, I have a lot better of a handle on surgery drains, and surgery incision care. I even felt that I had a really good way of doing it that was actually working for her, being that they were leaking so much. Its a hard internal battle with yourself as a new graduate, because you want to desperately trust your instincts on how to do something. You really do think you know what to do. But then theres that part of you that says, questionquestionquestion!!! So you begin to doubt yourself. You lose all faith that you're even doing a remotely good job, because you're so new. How can we even tell the difference? We think we're doing a good job and then it all comes crashing down on us.
So, having this patient before me, (in addition to another ICU transfer, a chemotherapy patient, and another hard case, also in addition to 2 PICC lines, and 1 Port-a-cath), i knew it was not going to be an easy weekend.
Trips to the commode were an extreme hardship with this woman, who was beginning to really have respiratory distress, let alone her size. She needed a special commode, special chair, etc. Her dressings needed to be changed 2-3 times a shift, which took no less than 30 minutes each time. Her drains needed to be emptied 4-5 times a shift. Basically, my care during my shift was centered primarily around her as I was in there the most, and attending to my other three when ever they needed me.
But theres nothing like that daunting feeling that you really don't think this patient is going to pull through, in the long run, and you just pray they can just survive the night. With her worsening respiratory status, I got a couple of her doctors on the phone, who all advised getting the ICU on board. So In comes the ICU resident, who orders a stronger source of oxygen, (she was already on 5L) and some breathing treatments to help ease her breathing and her wheezing. Her oxygen levels were dropping down into the mid-80s, which is, really not good, particularly with someone with no existing respiratory disease.
Needless to say, this morning, she eventually got sent to the ICU and I can only pray for her from here on out.
What was most unique and heartfelt about her case, besides the fact that she was a very nice and enjoyable lady to talk to and work with, was her husband. Her husband, also in his 70s and very thin, was by her side every minute. Being that I work nightshift, I can tell you that he slept over both nights on this little tiny recliner, and got up to every unique sound she made or mention of his name. He got her everything she needed. He gave her a massage when she sat on the commode. He didn't just hold her hand, he grasped it. She grasped it back. His eyes, they were so beyond exhausted but also so madly deeply in love. You could just tell she was his everything. Which is, beyond amazing. I'm not implying that all guys leave a relationship when the woman gains excess weight, but most guys don't stick around. But he not only stuck around, he was her caregiver, her nurse, her husband, her best friend. They played around with cute little inside sayings and banter. They had their own way of saying I love you, without even saying it. There were times that she would wake up in the middle of the night and just say her husbands name, making sure he was still there. And even with him being a little hard of hearing, he jumped up and held her hand whenever she did call out.
It got to the point however, that I extended whatever care I could come up with to her husband, because I was seriously concerned over his well being. Not only emotionally but physically. I hadn't been sure of his sleep cycle during the day, but on my shift he was there every minute and only took intermittent naps. He was literally exhausted. I got him all set up on a comfortable recliner and highly encouraged that he needed to get some rest and to eat some food, water, etc.
Thanks for reading everyone. Round three tonight.... more blogs on the way this week. Love you all,
~WNB
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This lady had been in the hospital for weeks before her ICU trip and before she was my patient. Just two days before receiving her as my own, she had a major abdominal surgery, taking out 20 pounds of subcutaneous fat that was touching her knees and therefore creating a pressure ulcer, on her abdomen. Yikes.
So, this lady is still, even minus the 20 pounds, a good 400 pounds. She is 71 years old. She has four drains coming out of her abdomen that are draining the fluid from the surgery site. Meanwhile, guess how many I'd worked with before these four? You guessed it, none. As an aide I had come from a Medical oriented floor rather than surgical. Anyway, her incision site was 1.5 feet (yes, feet) across her abdomen, and it was leaking. A lot. Can I add here that I have minimal experience in uncovering, cleaning, and redressing surgery sites?
I guess there's nothing like throwing you into the worst of the worst and learning that way. After working with her all weekend, I have a lot better of a handle on surgery drains, and surgery incision care. I even felt that I had a really good way of doing it that was actually working for her, being that they were leaking so much. Its a hard internal battle with yourself as a new graduate, because you want to desperately trust your instincts on how to do something. You really do think you know what to do. But then theres that part of you that says, questionquestionquestion!!! So you begin to doubt yourself. You lose all faith that you're even doing a remotely good job, because you're so new. How can we even tell the difference? We think we're doing a good job and then it all comes crashing down on us.
So, having this patient before me, (in addition to another ICU transfer, a chemotherapy patient, and another hard case, also in addition to 2 PICC lines, and 1 Port-a-cath), i knew it was not going to be an easy weekend.
Trips to the commode were an extreme hardship with this woman, who was beginning to really have respiratory distress, let alone her size. She needed a special commode, special chair, etc. Her dressings needed to be changed 2-3 times a shift, which took no less than 30 minutes each time. Her drains needed to be emptied 4-5 times a shift. Basically, my care during my shift was centered primarily around her as I was in there the most, and attending to my other three when ever they needed me.
But theres nothing like that daunting feeling that you really don't think this patient is going to pull through, in the long run, and you just pray they can just survive the night. With her worsening respiratory status, I got a couple of her doctors on the phone, who all advised getting the ICU on board. So In comes the ICU resident, who orders a stronger source of oxygen, (she was already on 5L) and some breathing treatments to help ease her breathing and her wheezing. Her oxygen levels were dropping down into the mid-80s, which is, really not good, particularly with someone with no existing respiratory disease.
Needless to say, this morning, she eventually got sent to the ICU and I can only pray for her from here on out.
What was most unique and heartfelt about her case, besides the fact that she was a very nice and enjoyable lady to talk to and work with, was her husband. Her husband, also in his 70s and very thin, was by her side every minute. Being that I work nightshift, I can tell you that he slept over both nights on this little tiny recliner, and got up to every unique sound she made or mention of his name. He got her everything she needed. He gave her a massage when she sat on the commode. He didn't just hold her hand, he grasped it. She grasped it back. His eyes, they were so beyond exhausted but also so madly deeply in love. You could just tell she was his everything. Which is, beyond amazing. I'm not implying that all guys leave a relationship when the woman gains excess weight, but most guys don't stick around. But he not only stuck around, he was her caregiver, her nurse, her husband, her best friend. They played around with cute little inside sayings and banter. They had their own way of saying I love you, without even saying it. There were times that she would wake up in the middle of the night and just say her husbands name, making sure he was still there. And even with him being a little hard of hearing, he jumped up and held her hand whenever she did call out.
It got to the point however, that I extended whatever care I could come up with to her husband, because I was seriously concerned over his well being. Not only emotionally but physically. I hadn't been sure of his sleep cycle during the day, but on my shift he was there every minute and only took intermittent naps. He was literally exhausted. I got him all set up on a comfortable recliner and highly encouraged that he needed to get some rest and to eat some food, water, etc.
Thanks for reading everyone. Round three tonight.... more blogs on the way this week. Love you all,
~WNB
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Saturday, November 26, 2011
Is it Possible?
How is it possible to want something so bad and yet I find I'm constantly pushing any possibility of having it away? I can have it all and yet I'm blatantly pushing it all away. There must be something wrong with me.
But I do want it. I think. I just don't make any sense. I've literally spent some long moments off in space just trying to figure myself out. Like, having conversations with my alter ego's in my head, going back and forth trying to figure out why the heck I am so ridiculous all the time and I literally can't come up with anything. Nothing. So I just leave it at the fact that I'm just weird complicated and want what I can't have and don't want what I can? Eeeeeeebiejeebies.
There are so many times where if I described myself in one sentence, right now, I don't like what I hear. Sometimes I think I'm becoming I used to look down upon. I'm a good person in a lot of ways, also, I know that. Who knows. I try to be a good person.
I just don't even know what I want right now.
Sorry for the sad, vague, depressing, intuitive(?) post.....i'll be back to happy outgoing self soon. Ish. :-)
~WNB
.
But I do want it. I think. I just don't make any sense. I've literally spent some long moments off in space just trying to figure myself out. Like, having conversations with my alter ego's in my head, going back and forth trying to figure out why the heck I am so ridiculous all the time and I literally can't come up with anything. Nothing. So I just leave it at the fact that I'm just weird complicated and want what I can't have and don't want what I can? Eeeeeeebiejeebies.
There are so many times where if I described myself in one sentence, right now, I don't like what I hear. Sometimes I think I'm becoming I used to look down upon. I'm a good person in a lot of ways, also, I know that. Who knows. I try to be a good person.
I just don't even know what I want right now.
Sorry for the sad, vague, depressing, intuitive(?) post.....i'll be back to happy outgoing self soon. Ish. :-)
~WNB
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Saturday, November 12, 2011
Transformation
Its all worth it. Believe it or not....
I just did three twelve hour shifts, and they each ended in their own way.
The first, I felt overwhelmed. The first out of three is always a bit overwhelming because chances are you don't know any of your patients, because if you do 3 in a row, chances are you've had off for a couple days. So the first day is spent getting to know your patients, getting a hold on things, and making plans. Although 3 shifts in a row is exhausting, I really do love the continuity of care.
I love being able to say at the end of my shift, "Sleep well tonight, see you in the morning! I'll be here when you wake up." My patients love when they know I will be back, I know them, they know me. They feel comfortable with that, with the same set of nurses taking care of them. Tonight, my third shift, I went and said my goodbyes to all my patients considering I have three days off. My one patient was sad to hear this and told me she had a question for me but couldn't remember what it was. I told her I would still be on shift for another 30 minutes if she remembered, but if not, the next nurse would be just as likely to know the answer as I would. And she said, "I know, but it's nice having you. You know when you just get comfortable with someone, and you don't want to give that up?" I said I understood and I was flattered but that the next nurse was very good and she would be in good hands. :-) So, continuity of care is excellent for the nurses and patients.
The second shift, I almost cried by the end of shift. The day started out with an admission rolling up to the floor at 6:30 am. Being so late on the night shift, the night nurse was not realistically able to do any of the admission work. So in addition to seeing my 4 other patients at the start of shift, I somehow had to work in a 30 minute long (at least) admission assessment. So, thats just a sample of how the rest of the day went. Not well. I drove home last night pretty much as a zombie, staring at the road, flat affect. I was just done. LAst night I dreamt of IVs, doctors orders, patients coding, etc. Fun.
However, my goal on each and every shift, before I leave my shift an before I come in to the next one, I make a goal. I think to myself, what went wrong today? How can I do my best to prevent that from happening again? Not everything can be prevented, but you can prepare better. What mistakes have I made today? How can I better that for the next shift? Each shift I make at least one goal to improve on for the next shift. I add something new to my "system" or pilot a new self-program until I find something that definitely works for me.
That being so, today (my third) I came in with lots of new tips for myself, to prevent reoccurences from the past two shifts that I wanted to avoid. I came in ready for the day. I knew my patients well. I could predict what could go wrong, what would go right. I improved on skills I lacked the day before. Tonight I left work, for the first time, thinking "I actually don't hate my job today. I don't dread coming back! I can do this." It was a nice feeling, for the first time.
The best feeling in the nursing world (well maybe not the best, but its pretty high up there) is seeing patients get better. For example, this one patient I had my first two shifts. On the first shift, I learned that he had a stroke a couple months ago, and has been suffering some deficits in daily living since then. I learned he runs his own business, and is normally a very independant elderly gentleman. However, when I had him, you would have never known. Suffering a severe hypoxic bout of pneumonia, he was very confused. He was a mess. He was not able to follow commands, he didn't know where he was, his speech was incoherent, he was trying to get out of bed, he was not compliant with keeping his oxygen on, and would not eat any of our food (or medication). So, he was a handful. The family kept telling me how this was so not normal for him, how normally he is so independant. I found it hard to visualize.
The second day I noticed improvements. He would have bouts of time where he would occaisonally open his eyes and respond appropriately to a question. His o2 SATS were doing better and he was a little bit more compliant.
Well, today, by golly I don't know what happened. I had to give him to another nurse in a trade off unfortunately, but was able to continually walk by his room. Being that his family members knew me well by that time, they saw me and gave me updates and I went in to say hi. I was astounded. This gentleman was up in the chair, eating breakfast, having a full conversation with me. With his eyes open. He saw me and called me sweetheart. I joked with him that he probably didn't remember me since he was confused with his eyes closed, but that I had taken care of him for the past two days. He said he did remember me because he recognized my voice. =)
I was so glad to see him get better. He is definitely not 100% yet, but now I can see part of who he was before his hospital stay. I can see the marked improvement in status over the three days. It felt so good to see.
I had another patient yesterday (the 6 am admission) who I took care of all day with a kidney stone. He was in a lot of pain all day and therefore was pretty dopey on pain medication all day. His family commented that he never gets drunk, and this was how they imagined him to act if he ever did get drunk. But it was better that than in pain. He told me he was a lawyer and that this was his first hospital stay. Today, I had to give him up too in the trade off, but I went in to say hi before he was ready to go home, and he and his wife told me that they were astounded with the care they had received during their hospital stay. What really mattered was that the family had a lot of experience with hospitals with other older family members, and they had therefore been in and spent time in a lot of other surrounding community hospitals. And they thought ours was by far the best yet, in terms of the nursing staff and general care they received. I was astounded. Our hospital? This one? Our little NFP hospital? Really? It was really nice to hear. Thats why we do what we do. To make that difference right there.
Well, I have wedding photography to edit, yay! (my second life...)
Sorry its been long periods in between updates. I like to wait until I have interesting updates rather than "today was a bad day. blahhh". unless you want to hear that. in which case I would make posts that say that, if you want. Up to you.
With love,
~ A Writer in a Nurse's Body
.
I just did three twelve hour shifts, and they each ended in their own way.
The first, I felt overwhelmed. The first out of three is always a bit overwhelming because chances are you don't know any of your patients, because if you do 3 in a row, chances are you've had off for a couple days. So the first day is spent getting to know your patients, getting a hold on things, and making plans. Although 3 shifts in a row is exhausting, I really do love the continuity of care.
I love being able to say at the end of my shift, "Sleep well tonight, see you in the morning! I'll be here when you wake up." My patients love when they know I will be back, I know them, they know me. They feel comfortable with that, with the same set of nurses taking care of them. Tonight, my third shift, I went and said my goodbyes to all my patients considering I have three days off. My one patient was sad to hear this and told me she had a question for me but couldn't remember what it was. I told her I would still be on shift for another 30 minutes if she remembered, but if not, the next nurse would be just as likely to know the answer as I would. And she said, "I know, but it's nice having you. You know when you just get comfortable with someone, and you don't want to give that up?" I said I understood and I was flattered but that the next nurse was very good and she would be in good hands. :-) So, continuity of care is excellent for the nurses and patients.
The second shift, I almost cried by the end of shift. The day started out with an admission rolling up to the floor at 6:30 am. Being so late on the night shift, the night nurse was not realistically able to do any of the admission work. So in addition to seeing my 4 other patients at the start of shift, I somehow had to work in a 30 minute long (at least) admission assessment. So, thats just a sample of how the rest of the day went. Not well. I drove home last night pretty much as a zombie, staring at the road, flat affect. I was just done. LAst night I dreamt of IVs, doctors orders, patients coding, etc. Fun.
However, my goal on each and every shift, before I leave my shift an before I come in to the next one, I make a goal. I think to myself, what went wrong today? How can I do my best to prevent that from happening again? Not everything can be prevented, but you can prepare better. What mistakes have I made today? How can I better that for the next shift? Each shift I make at least one goal to improve on for the next shift. I add something new to my "system" or pilot a new self-program until I find something that definitely works for me.
That being so, today (my third) I came in with lots of new tips for myself, to prevent reoccurences from the past two shifts that I wanted to avoid. I came in ready for the day. I knew my patients well. I could predict what could go wrong, what would go right. I improved on skills I lacked the day before. Tonight I left work, for the first time, thinking "I actually don't hate my job today. I don't dread coming back! I can do this." It was a nice feeling, for the first time.
The best feeling in the nursing world (well maybe not the best, but its pretty high up there) is seeing patients get better. For example, this one patient I had my first two shifts. On the first shift, I learned that he had a stroke a couple months ago, and has been suffering some deficits in daily living since then. I learned he runs his own business, and is normally a very independant elderly gentleman. However, when I had him, you would have never known. Suffering a severe hypoxic bout of pneumonia, he was very confused. He was a mess. He was not able to follow commands, he didn't know where he was, his speech was incoherent, he was trying to get out of bed, he was not compliant with keeping his oxygen on, and would not eat any of our food (or medication). So, he was a handful. The family kept telling me how this was so not normal for him, how normally he is so independant. I found it hard to visualize.
The second day I noticed improvements. He would have bouts of time where he would occaisonally open his eyes and respond appropriately to a question. His o2 SATS were doing better and he was a little bit more compliant.
Well, today, by golly I don't know what happened. I had to give him to another nurse in a trade off unfortunately, but was able to continually walk by his room. Being that his family members knew me well by that time, they saw me and gave me updates and I went in to say hi. I was astounded. This gentleman was up in the chair, eating breakfast, having a full conversation with me. With his eyes open. He saw me and called me sweetheart. I joked with him that he probably didn't remember me since he was confused with his eyes closed, but that I had taken care of him for the past two days. He said he did remember me because he recognized my voice. =)
I was so glad to see him get better. He is definitely not 100% yet, but now I can see part of who he was before his hospital stay. I can see the marked improvement in status over the three days. It felt so good to see.
I had another patient yesterday (the 6 am admission) who I took care of all day with a kidney stone. He was in a lot of pain all day and therefore was pretty dopey on pain medication all day. His family commented that he never gets drunk, and this was how they imagined him to act if he ever did get drunk. But it was better that than in pain. He told me he was a lawyer and that this was his first hospital stay. Today, I had to give him up too in the trade off, but I went in to say hi before he was ready to go home, and he and his wife told me that they were astounded with the care they had received during their hospital stay. What really mattered was that the family had a lot of experience with hospitals with other older family members, and they had therefore been in and spent time in a lot of other surrounding community hospitals. And they thought ours was by far the best yet, in terms of the nursing staff and general care they received. I was astounded. Our hospital? This one? Our little NFP hospital? Really? It was really nice to hear. Thats why we do what we do. To make that difference right there.
Well, I have wedding photography to edit, yay! (my second life...)
Sorry its been long periods in between updates. I like to wait until I have interesting updates rather than "today was a bad day. blahhh". unless you want to hear that. in which case I would make posts that say that, if you want. Up to you.
With love,
~ A Writer in a Nurse's Body
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Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Internal Breakdown
Breakdown. Thats different from Burnout.
Breakdown.
All the experienced nurses look at you, waiting for it because they know its going to come. They know every nurse goes through it. They have to go through it. No one makes it through the first two months without a good, solid breakdown.
The most important factor about you, though, is how you pick yourself back up after you fall down.
Today was probably my first "breakdown" (internal). There was a moment where I literally had at least six *critical* priority tasks to accomplish. What do you even do first? They are all top priority, so what takes even more top priority?? Sometimes its a fine line of ethical debate.
During that one moment where I had many important (and unimportant) things to do and I was rapidly running out of time, I was about to lose it. I literally had to stop everything, take a deep breath, and then get back to it. I didn't have time to lose it.
In my experience, I've seen new nurses really breakdown. I've seen them cry on the floor, cry in breakrooms, cry with their preceptors, quit the job, snap at coworkers, etc.
But I literally don't have time to do that. I don't have time to cry. Yes I feel overwhelmed and like I'm drowning. But If I seriously took the time to go into a corner and give up and cry, what the heck would happen to my patients? Other nurses don't have time to cover for you. There is no time to lose it. Instead, there is time to tell yourself that this will pass, and to just keep moving as fast as you can with being safe, keep re-prioritizing, delegate as many things as you can, and keep it together.
Its hard when it all comes down to acting. When you have a thousand tasks on your mind, and you are literally walking 25mph in the hallway, and then you have to slow everything down when you're with your patient, even though your brain is trying to move a thousand miles a minute to get things done. You can't zip around the room like a maniac. You can't talk fast with patients. You can't act like your in a rush. You have to make it seem like you have all the time in the world to sit and be with them and answer all their questions. You can't ruin it all by leaving in a rush after you just poked them, gave them new meds, hung a random bag on their IV, etc. They need explanations. Slow explanations. Its easy to forget that patients have no idea what you're talking about half the time. GO slow.
It's hard when you're keeping up with all the chaos, you feel like you're drowning but at the same time you can see the light of the top of the water at the same time. You have 8,000 really important, hard, tasks to do at that moment but somehow, you're holding it all in and you're ok, but then, the copier breaks- and for some ungodly known reason the universe does not want you to scan this stupiddddd piece of paper down to pharmacy that you really need pharmacy to get and you cant give up because its kind of crucial and WHY IS THE COPIER NOT WORKING when you need it to the most???
That, my friends, was the moment I nearly had my (external) temper tantrum breakdown.
I nearly almost even stomped my foot and whined and literally wanted to scream that despite making it through most of the wicked storm, I couldn't make this stupid copier scan a paper to pharmacy. That, is frustrating.
Its kind of like grief. When a spouse loses their spouse, they somehow make it through. No dramatic breakdown. But then the dishwasher breaks 5 days later, and they find themselves sobbing and sobbing for 3 days straight over the dishwasher. But is it really over the dishwasher? No. Was my near external breakdown over the copier? No.
I have a great team of support system nurses. They are all my friends, being that ive been an aide on the floor for so long. They all came up to me in my time of need and asked if they could help. But I couldn't even tell them what to do because I couldnt even keep track of it all myself. I was so busy that I couldnt even take a minute to figure out what they could help me with. I was having a hard enough time keeping up with keeping everyone safe by myself, and for some reason the thought of proper delegating just seemed like it wasn't worth the hassle. Its hard to delegate to another nurse. Lets say you just really need your insulin coverage given, but you're tied up somewhere else. If another nurse does it, they know nothing about your patient. They don't know your patients quirks, where they like their insulin, where they got it last, etc. The patient doesn't know that nurse. So in their mind, here is some random new person in scrubs coming at me with a needle. They don't know anything more than that. But when they see me, they know and trust me and understand what I'm doing because I've been doing it with them all day.
Somehow, I made it through. I know I am becoming a much better nurse, day by day. I am catching myself before I make mistakes, I am asking all the right questions, I am communicating very well with doctors, I am getting to be great at working with IVs, and I have gotten a multitude of very pleasant compliments to my face and to others about my work. I know I am still a baby nurse but I know once I get a true hold on things, I will be really great. I feel destined to be really great. Its a toss up because I want to be great enough to change the world of nursing. But in order to do that, you generally leave the bedside. You go into political nursing. Or supervisory nursing, maybe. As much as I love to entertain the thought of being that important one day, I can't bear the thought just yet of not being that nurse at the bedside with you making all the difference to you at that moment in need. So we shall see. Even 100 years doesn't NEARLY seem like enough time to do all the things I want to do, in my career and life in general. And I don't even have 100 years. I have like 80. If I'm blessed.
If I had the offer to live immortally and never grow past 35, I'd take it. To stay between my age now and 35 forever and age really, really slowly, that'd be grand. Theres so much I feel like I need to do in this specific age time span. My career, my masters degree, husband, (well, boyfriend needed first), kids.....there isn't enough time for all of it! I wish I could make these years really last. Im turning 24 In June which is almost 25 and then how the heck am I 5 years away from 30!?
Ah!
My second wish would be to never need sleep, ever.
but thats another story.
Well, I worked late until 9:30 pm. Got home at 10. Ate dinner. Wrote this blog. Going to bed now. Doing it all again tomorrow. Yay.
With so much love,
WNB
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Breakdown.
All the experienced nurses look at you, waiting for it because they know its going to come. They know every nurse goes through it. They have to go through it. No one makes it through the first two months without a good, solid breakdown.
The most important factor about you, though, is how you pick yourself back up after you fall down.
Today was probably my first "breakdown" (internal). There was a moment where I literally had at least six *critical* priority tasks to accomplish. What do you even do first? They are all top priority, so what takes even more top priority?? Sometimes its a fine line of ethical debate.
During that one moment where I had many important (and unimportant) things to do and I was rapidly running out of time, I was about to lose it. I literally had to stop everything, take a deep breath, and then get back to it. I didn't have time to lose it.
In my experience, I've seen new nurses really breakdown. I've seen them cry on the floor, cry in breakrooms, cry with their preceptors, quit the job, snap at coworkers, etc.
But I literally don't have time to do that. I don't have time to cry. Yes I feel overwhelmed and like I'm drowning. But If I seriously took the time to go into a corner and give up and cry, what the heck would happen to my patients? Other nurses don't have time to cover for you. There is no time to lose it. Instead, there is time to tell yourself that this will pass, and to just keep moving as fast as you can with being safe, keep re-prioritizing, delegate as many things as you can, and keep it together.
Its hard when it all comes down to acting. When you have a thousand tasks on your mind, and you are literally walking 25mph in the hallway, and then you have to slow everything down when you're with your patient, even though your brain is trying to move a thousand miles a minute to get things done. You can't zip around the room like a maniac. You can't talk fast with patients. You can't act like your in a rush. You have to make it seem like you have all the time in the world to sit and be with them and answer all their questions. You can't ruin it all by leaving in a rush after you just poked them, gave them new meds, hung a random bag on their IV, etc. They need explanations. Slow explanations. Its easy to forget that patients have no idea what you're talking about half the time. GO slow.
It's hard when you're keeping up with all the chaos, you feel like you're drowning but at the same time you can see the light of the top of the water at the same time. You have 8,000 really important, hard, tasks to do at that moment but somehow, you're holding it all in and you're ok, but then, the copier breaks- and for some ungodly known reason the universe does not want you to scan this stupiddddd piece of paper down to pharmacy that you really need pharmacy to get and you cant give up because its kind of crucial and WHY IS THE COPIER NOT WORKING when you need it to the most???
That, my friends, was the moment I nearly had my (external) temper tantrum breakdown.
I nearly almost even stomped my foot and whined and literally wanted to scream that despite making it through most of the wicked storm, I couldn't make this stupid copier scan a paper to pharmacy. That, is frustrating.
Its kind of like grief. When a spouse loses their spouse, they somehow make it through. No dramatic breakdown. But then the dishwasher breaks 5 days later, and they find themselves sobbing and sobbing for 3 days straight over the dishwasher. But is it really over the dishwasher? No. Was my near external breakdown over the copier? No.
I have a great team of support system nurses. They are all my friends, being that ive been an aide on the floor for so long. They all came up to me in my time of need and asked if they could help. But I couldn't even tell them what to do because I couldnt even keep track of it all myself. I was so busy that I couldnt even take a minute to figure out what they could help me with. I was having a hard enough time keeping up with keeping everyone safe by myself, and for some reason the thought of proper delegating just seemed like it wasn't worth the hassle. Its hard to delegate to another nurse. Lets say you just really need your insulin coverage given, but you're tied up somewhere else. If another nurse does it, they know nothing about your patient. They don't know your patients quirks, where they like their insulin, where they got it last, etc. The patient doesn't know that nurse. So in their mind, here is some random new person in scrubs coming at me with a needle. They don't know anything more than that. But when they see me, they know and trust me and understand what I'm doing because I've been doing it with them all day.
Somehow, I made it through. I know I am becoming a much better nurse, day by day. I am catching myself before I make mistakes, I am asking all the right questions, I am communicating very well with doctors, I am getting to be great at working with IVs, and I have gotten a multitude of very pleasant compliments to my face and to others about my work. I know I am still a baby nurse but I know once I get a true hold on things, I will be really great. I feel destined to be really great. Its a toss up because I want to be great enough to change the world of nursing. But in order to do that, you generally leave the bedside. You go into political nursing. Or supervisory nursing, maybe. As much as I love to entertain the thought of being that important one day, I can't bear the thought just yet of not being that nurse at the bedside with you making all the difference to you at that moment in need. So we shall see. Even 100 years doesn't NEARLY seem like enough time to do all the things I want to do, in my career and life in general. And I don't even have 100 years. I have like 80. If I'm blessed.
If I had the offer to live immortally and never grow past 35, I'd take it. To stay between my age now and 35 forever and age really, really slowly, that'd be grand. Theres so much I feel like I need to do in this specific age time span. My career, my masters degree, husband, (well, boyfriend needed first), kids.....there isn't enough time for all of it! I wish I could make these years really last. Im turning 24 In June which is almost 25 and then how the heck am I 5 years away from 30!?
Ah!
My second wish would be to never need sleep, ever.
but thats another story.
Well, I worked late until 9:30 pm. Got home at 10. Ate dinner. Wrote this blog. Going to bed now. Doing it all again tomorrow. Yay.
With so much love,
WNB
.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Day 3 as an RN: Under Fire
Whew! So, lets go over this week.
Day one summary- Easy. "This job is awesome! I love being an RN! Woo! This is going to be GREAT!"
Day two summary- First patient. "This is great! I'm doing great! Running into a couple problems but easily solved. Helping out lots of others on the floor. Eager to learn more, do more!! Bring it!"
Day three summary- "WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING!!!"
And thats pretty much all I need to say. But I'll say more- have no fear, thats why I'm here.
The biggest lesson I learned throughout reflecting on the day (I actually learned it during my lunch break when I literally just sat there staring at the wall, breathing) was that although the day thus far had been CRAZY and there were MULTIPLE times I literally thought in my head, "I'm not cut out for this. I am in over my head, like way in over my head, and I cannot do this", I do realize that I DID learn a lot yesterday because of that insanity. Not only did I learn true prioritization and time management, but I will remember the skills I learned forever. It was all very fast and in the heat of the moment (s) and it was either do it or you don't do it and the patient suffers.
I guess what I'm confusingly trying to say is, I learn better that way. Under fire. When you really don't have time to over-analyze it, (but still enough time to do it the right way!). If my preceptor is going to just calmly be like, "Okay, step one, you do this....and step two, do this..." and I only watch, and its all hypothetical, then I might learn that in the back of my mind but its not truly ingrained. Whereas in the heat of the moment, you remember everything that you did. Did it work? Okay, do it again that way. Did you run into a problem? Did you learn the right way to do it after that? That, you will remember forever. I guess I learn best via trial and error.
But anyway, I got through. And by the end of the day, I did everything I was required to do. I swam through the deep end and made it to shore. I got everything squared away with my complicated patient, and even had time to volunteer to do another nurses admission assessment, despite it being my first time doing it, I thought, "How hard can that be? The computer guides you through the whole thing." So I got to do that, that was cool.
Update on the doctors...I got to deal with a new group of doctors yesterday, well, residents really. Which was excellent. The residents are so....eager to help it seems. They are still learning so they are still so genuinely interested in their patients and actually like when you call them. And I even got to meet the resident bunch when they came to do rounds on the floor and I met the actual one I was doing most of the talking with on the phone, and I redeemed myself and made sure to not come across as a total newbie/idiot. So, cool. Getting practice....eventually calling them will be no big deal. Eventually!
I also encountered my first family gathering/update/education session....twice! My patient was 94 and with severe dementia so not much education was happening with her. However, midday someone came up to me and asked if I was the nurse for that patient. I said yes, and she introduced herself as the daughter-in-law and had a couple questions and wanted an update. So I gave her an update and suprisingly answered all her questions! Somehow. So, that turned out alright without any prior "prep time". If I had known she was coming I would have read through the chart furiously and gave her the best possible update. But I told her what I knew. And then a couple hours later, I was informed that the son was in the room and wanted to speak with me. So he had some more questions, which I was also able to answer all of them! I love love love finally being able to answer questions from families! Its been so annoying these past five years reciting, "I don't know, let me get your nurse." Woot!
I went to a meeting at work, after my shift, that was all about how to handle angry patients and how to make them happy again so they pretty much don't leave our hospital saying they would never come back again. But point is, the speaker made a really good point that shed some light on my work and probably a lot of others, too. Despite how bad my day is, on my worst shift on the worst day, I am doing good. I am helping people. And, I get to go back home at night. I'm not stuck in a hospital bed, waiting for biopsy results, or listening to my IV beep, away from my family. No matter how bad the shift is, your patients day is probably worse. So an interesting perspective to think about when I feel like I am having the worst day.
Well, I have the weekend off! So, lots of drawing, some photography work, and maybe some writing I hope!! Yay!
Thanks for reading everyone,
~WNB
Day one summary- Easy. "This job is awesome! I love being an RN! Woo! This is going to be GREAT!"
Day two summary- First patient. "This is great! I'm doing great! Running into a couple problems but easily solved. Helping out lots of others on the floor. Eager to learn more, do more!! Bring it!"
Day three summary- "WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING!!!"
And thats pretty much all I need to say. But I'll say more- have no fear, thats why I'm here.
The biggest lesson I learned throughout reflecting on the day (I actually learned it during my lunch break when I literally just sat there staring at the wall, breathing) was that although the day thus far had been CRAZY and there were MULTIPLE times I literally thought in my head, "I'm not cut out for this. I am in over my head, like way in over my head, and I cannot do this", I do realize that I DID learn a lot yesterday because of that insanity. Not only did I learn true prioritization and time management, but I will remember the skills I learned forever. It was all very fast and in the heat of the moment (s) and it was either do it or you don't do it and the patient suffers.
I guess what I'm confusingly trying to say is, I learn better that way. Under fire. When you really don't have time to over-analyze it, (but still enough time to do it the right way!). If my preceptor is going to just calmly be like, "Okay, step one, you do this....and step two, do this..." and I only watch, and its all hypothetical, then I might learn that in the back of my mind but its not truly ingrained. Whereas in the heat of the moment, you remember everything that you did. Did it work? Okay, do it again that way. Did you run into a problem? Did you learn the right way to do it after that? That, you will remember forever. I guess I learn best via trial and error.
But anyway, I got through. And by the end of the day, I did everything I was required to do. I swam through the deep end and made it to shore. I got everything squared away with my complicated patient, and even had time to volunteer to do another nurses admission assessment, despite it being my first time doing it, I thought, "How hard can that be? The computer guides you through the whole thing." So I got to do that, that was cool.
Update on the doctors...I got to deal with a new group of doctors yesterday, well, residents really. Which was excellent. The residents are so....eager to help it seems. They are still learning so they are still so genuinely interested in their patients and actually like when you call them. And I even got to meet the resident bunch when they came to do rounds on the floor and I met the actual one I was doing most of the talking with on the phone, and I redeemed myself and made sure to not come across as a total newbie/idiot. So, cool. Getting practice....eventually calling them will be no big deal. Eventually!
I also encountered my first family gathering/update/education session....twice! My patient was 94 and with severe dementia so not much education was happening with her. However, midday someone came up to me and asked if I was the nurse for that patient. I said yes, and she introduced herself as the daughter-in-law and had a couple questions and wanted an update. So I gave her an update and suprisingly answered all her questions! Somehow. So, that turned out alright without any prior "prep time". If I had known she was coming I would have read through the chart furiously and gave her the best possible update. But I told her what I knew. And then a couple hours later, I was informed that the son was in the room and wanted to speak with me. So he had some more questions, which I was also able to answer all of them! I love love love finally being able to answer questions from families! Its been so annoying these past five years reciting, "I don't know, let me get your nurse." Woot!
I went to a meeting at work, after my shift, that was all about how to handle angry patients and how to make them happy again so they pretty much don't leave our hospital saying they would never come back again. But point is, the speaker made a really good point that shed some light on my work and probably a lot of others, too. Despite how bad my day is, on my worst shift on the worst day, I am doing good. I am helping people. And, I get to go back home at night. I'm not stuck in a hospital bed, waiting for biopsy results, or listening to my IV beep, away from my family. No matter how bad the shift is, your patients day is probably worse. So an interesting perspective to think about when I feel like I am having the worst day.
Well, I have the weekend off! So, lots of drawing, some photography work, and maybe some writing I hope!! Yay!
Thanks for reading everyone,
~WNB
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Is this real life?
One more final tomorrow...one more final of my undergraduate nursing career.
So comes the last, final, neverending debate:
Its 11pm now. I'm tired (shock! gasp!). My final is at 4:30 tomorrow. Pm. Do I stay up late (really late) and finish studying tonight and then sleep til...1pm tomorrow? Or, go to sleep now, and get up early (thats taking a risk), and study all day before test?
hmmm....tough decisions, tough decisions.....
I should be studying right now instead of writing silly pointless blog entries is what I really should be doing. *sigh*
~WNB
LAST FINAL EVERRRR
So comes the last, final, neverending debate:
Its 11pm now. I'm tired (shock! gasp!). My final is at 4:30 tomorrow. Pm. Do I stay up late (really late) and finish studying tonight and then sleep til...1pm tomorrow? Or, go to sleep now, and get up early (thats taking a risk), and study all day before test?
hmmm....tough decisions, tough decisions.....
I should be studying right now instead of writing silly pointless blog entries is what I really should be doing. *sigh*
~WNB
LAST FINAL EVERRRR
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Told You So
I get to see the holistic Nurse Practitioner tomorrow! I am nervous/excited for her help. I hope I agree with what she wants to do and understand it. At this point, though....I should just listen to the professionals and just do it. Clearly I'm not doing a good enough job on my own.
Ironically, Like I said in the Blog Post the other day, I am going to see her tomorrow and I feel fine right now. Of course. But I can't bank on that- I have to show her what I've been feeling the past couple days. Despite feeling fully energized again, no nausea, normal, no headaches.....of course.
It just occurred to me that I have been under a lot of stress and I was really worried about this exam I had this morning. Last night I was practically ready to go to the ER, I was delirious about this exam. Can stress really have that much power? Because now the exam is over, and well.........I feel better.
So I don't know. I'm just really curious to see what she says tomorrow. Hopefully she won't think I'm a total basket case.
~WNB
Ironically, Like I said in the Blog Post the other day, I am going to see her tomorrow and I feel fine right now. Of course. But I can't bank on that- I have to show her what I've been feeling the past couple days. Despite feeling fully energized again, no nausea, normal, no headaches.....of course.
It just occurred to me that I have been under a lot of stress and I was really worried about this exam I had this morning. Last night I was practically ready to go to the ER, I was delirious about this exam. Can stress really have that much power? Because now the exam is over, and well.........I feel better.
So I don't know. I'm just really curious to see what she says tomorrow. Hopefully she won't think I'm a total basket case.
~WNB
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Quick Post
So today, I hit my total breaking point on approximately.....every aspect of my life. mental breakdown? Idk.
regardless, this includes still feeling like s***. So, based on the fact that I have FELT like crap and DONT want to feel like crap any longer and for Europe, I finally called in the professionals. I really want to see this Holistic NP about 45 min away from me. She has helped close friends and I know she can run the right tests....even if she isn't under my insurance and it will be expensive. But at this point, I will pay for health. I need to feel better. I need answers.
So I called, thinking it would be no problem.
Well, they are "booking appointments two months in advance. FS)(*)$#*. So, I was like....Crap. So She gave me an appt for June, after Europe of course, and put me on an extensive waiting list if there were any cancellations. Boo.
THEN, about fifteen minutes later I got a call asking if this Thursday would work. Its conflicting with a lot of important things, but health takes top priority. So, yay!!! I really hope she can help. I have my fingers crossed so much it will take weeks to uncross them. :-(
Huge exam tomorrow. Not prepared. Freaking out. Probably a significant cause of me not feeling well. Oh well. If thats the case, I wont feel well again until....May? May 14th? Graduation?
regardless, this includes still feeling like s***. So, based on the fact that I have FELT like crap and DONT want to feel like crap any longer and for Europe, I finally called in the professionals. I really want to see this Holistic NP about 45 min away from me. She has helped close friends and I know she can run the right tests....even if she isn't under my insurance and it will be expensive. But at this point, I will pay for health. I need to feel better. I need answers.
So I called, thinking it would be no problem.
Well, they are "booking appointments two months in advance. FS)(*)$#*. So, I was like....Crap. So She gave me an appt for June, after Europe of course, and put me on an extensive waiting list if there were any cancellations. Boo.
THEN, about fifteen minutes later I got a call asking if this Thursday would work. Its conflicting with a lot of important things, but health takes top priority. So, yay!!! I really hope she can help. I have my fingers crossed so much it will take weeks to uncross them. :-(
Huge exam tomorrow. Not prepared. Freaking out. Probably a significant cause of me not feeling well. Oh well. If thats the case, I wont feel well again until....May? May 14th? Graduation?
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