Suddenly I See It

Sometimes.... The person that is best for us on paper is the worst for our heart.

Sometimes...the person we've idolized and created in our heads, the vision of the perfect mate for us....we meet that person and turns out they're not perfect. They are everything you asked for and yet it doesn't work. Sometimes the very attributable qualities you asked for in a mate turn out to be the very qualities that drive you crazy.

And sometimes...we fall in love completely blindsided. With someone we never would have seen coming or envisioned for ourselves. They arent right for you on paper but somehow, you fit perfectly into their arms and you connect on a level not known to other humans.


And that's the way the cookie crumbles. :-)


~WNB

TiMEr In Review

Hey all!

So for Christmas this past year, my parents were thoughtful enough to buy me a "Roku" player, which plays me instant stream of netflix and HuluPlus, primarily. This is excellent being that I miss a lot of primetime TV being on night shift, and now I can watch it on my TV like a normal person and not my phone or computer. Woo!

Point being, I have been streaming a LOT of independent movies from netflix. Recently, in Summer 2011, I discovered a local arts campus near me that plays independent movies, foreign films, documentaries, etc. Every movie I have seen there has been downright amazing, so amazing in fact, that I am appalled why it is not a bigger release. So naturally I have come to love independent movies.

I have seen a lot of them lately because of my need to make up for years of not even knowing this was its own genre. Some of these excellent titles include "Welcome to the Riley's", "Wristcutters:A love Story", "Ten Inch Heros", and "Listen to your Heart", just to name a few. The one I was most intrigued by was "TiMEr", starring Emma Caulfield and John Patrick Amedori.

Intriguing, yes? Yes.

So basically, the movie is set on the premise that if you, in this semi-futuristic placed society, choose to get one of these "Love timers", then you can take the guesswork out of love. No more questioning, "is this worth it?", "Did I marry the right person?", "My time is running out, should I give this relationship more time, or let it go now and give myself time to find someone better?". It ensures accuracy, certainty. Perfect matches. But is that a good thing? What do you think?

Would you get a timer? As for myself, I immediately instinctly thought, "absolutely not. I like to be able to think for myself. Choose for myself. Getting a Timer is no different from joining EHarmony."  But then I thought about it. And thought about it some more. I talked about it even. And now I'm writing this blog, so obviously I thought about this unique striking concept a lot.

Lets first talk about the benefits. . .

• No more guesswork, no more unhappiness waiting for a dead relationship to change.
• No more wasting time. Months, years, spent in relationships that go no where.
• Gives you time to put love aside and that's OK. Follow me here. Lets say you got a timer, and it says to you, that you have 4 years, 82 days and 16 minutes until you found your soul mate. If that was my timer, I'd be relieved! In four years I can happily finish my masters, start my doctorate, launch my novel, get published, launch my nursing career, etc. By the time I met "him", I'd be successful (hopefully). I'd be financially stable. I'd be emotionally stable. I'd be a lot more mature. I'd be 27.  But in real life, right now, in reality, I'm 23 right now. Yes, I'm young, but I'm getting old enough that each person I meet that is a potential boyfriend, I have to think- Is it worth pursuing further? Is this worth my time? No more fruitless dating. No more saying yes to a four year relationship right now if its not going to lead to something. Time is running out. Maybe it would be nice to have that all figured out for me.
• It would lower the divorce rate, in the long term. If people were soulmates, then why would they ever have to get divorced? However, the divorce rate would skyrocket in the short term when they first came out and people realized they weren't soulmates with their spouses.... not good. Or good? Hmm.

Negatives of the TImer:

• The guesswork in love is half the FUN!  The guesswork is the butterflies! Its the part that makes you smile at all hours of the day. Its the uncertainty that really makes you think about the person and then say, YES, he/she is the one! C'mon, if we all got timers, how is that any different than being matchmaked by a Yenta? Or retrograding our society back to a time where our parents traded our daughters off to suitors for money? And the young couple "learned to love each other"? How is that any different? 
• On that same note....In the movie, the main dilemma is that while this girl is waiting for her timer to go off, she falls in love with this other male. They are what you call typical, American, have-a-good-time love. But they have fights. They aren't perfect. They aren't perfect for each other, that we know for sure. But then she finds her soul mate,  a complete stranger that she has never met. So is she now just supposed to leap into strangers arms and run off into the sunset because a little machine says to? Who's to say whose love is more real, the timers choice or her own?
• I think the Timer would make for some awfully sad situations. Lets say two soul mates marry, and they know they are soul mates, because of this timer. But one dies. Now the widow knows she will never truly find another soul mate, never truly find love again, because her real soul mate died. Whereas the way I like to look at the world, is that if you lose love (through divorce, death, etc.), it is possible to fall in love again. Absolutely. You just have to let your heart heal. But its possible. But what if you knew you already had your one time chance? Then what?
•  Would you seriously want your timer to go off with a stranger, on a random day, and then.....awkwardness...You're just supposed to drop everything and start dating? What if you do "fall in love" (chemically), with this person, but you hate who the person actually is? You hate what they do, their habits, etc. Sometimes, the way it goes in real life, is we fall madly in love with people we hate. And we can't help it. And we hate our selves for it.
• As a dilemma also presented in the movie, is the problem that not everyone in any society can be forced to adapt to any one practice. Therefore, not everyone in the film has a timer device. This presents a problem, as it is pretty much pointless (according to them) to date someone without a timer, if you do have a timer, because your timer won't go off for them unless they have one too. So you're back to square one. If they have no timer, you have to guess. Back to guesswork. So maybe you'll move on. But what if your soul mate never gets a timer, and your "real" soul mate was that person you let go because they didn't have one?

Am I making any sense?  :-)



Basically, I honestly can't decide if I would get one or not. Maybe. Probably. But thats just because I'm 23. I wouldn't encourage a 12 year old to get one (this is featured in the movie). I firmly believe teenagers are supposed to date around. They shouldn't meet their soul mate that young. Its healthy to see what all the fishies are like before you find your own fish. But finding your soul mate in your 20s, after *unsuccessfully* dating a plethora of fish? I think I could see the reasoning behind that.



What do you guys think? I really wanna know your thoughts. ALSO, go see the movie! Its instant streamable on Netflix. :D


With love,


~A Writer in a Nurse's Body




PS- Should I make a separate page of reviewing all of these fantastic independents I see? Hmm...



.

2012 New Year Resolutions

So, as annually expected, yesterdays post was about how I did with last years resolutions. This post is about changing for next year, new resolutions!  I have more this year, but a lot more short, sweet and too the point. I think. I hope. For your sake...


Anyway,

1) Have at LEAST half of my book #1 completely written by 2013. Part of me wants to say write the whole book by 2013, but....I'd rather be proud of myself for accomplishing a resolution than to not because I set the standard too high. So, yeah. Half the book. I think this is definitely possible.

2) I need to learn how to go with the flow....I'm 23, I have to stop trying to PLAN everything. Stop trying to overanalyze everything and just......be. Just do. Accept new challenges. Accept new people in my life. Do new things. Play new sports.

3) I want to really focus this year on becoming a much better nurse. I want to do a lot of research on my practice, and really better myself in unique abilities. My hospital is offering the position of a "wound care champion" that I might look into. It would be nice to be exceptionally good at at least one thing among the amazing nurses I work with.

4) Along with number 3, in general (in nursing and in life), I need to learn to be more confident in my abilities. In my self. In my knowledge. In my instincts. This is really hard. I need to trust myself.

5) I need to learn how to COOK! Not just any cooking, but I need to learn how to cook in general and cook for lactose intolerance specifically. So, I really need to get on this because right now my food groups consist of: Rice, beans, chicken, chinese food, fish & chips, vegetables, chicken tenders, fries, and smoothies. So, More variety needed? Yess.

6) I need to learn how to love again. But at the same time, I need to learn how to just be ok with me. I need to get to know myself better before I let myself attach to anyone else at this point. I feel like right now, when I "attach" to someone, or see someone, they are dating an empty vessel of a girl that needs to figure out a lot right now. I am in here, I promise. Just need to work on my firewall right now, let people in. Its a new year. New beginnings. Let our endings go. Forever, and ever, and hit the ground runnin! Woo.


7) I already am doing this, but I want to draw a LOT more. I already have drawn so much since school let out and I love it. I also want to do more with my photography this year. Like sell it. Big time. :-) On that note, look for a photography post sooN! I am WAY overdue!


Thats it. Short and sweet.


Have a good new year, ya'll! With love,


~WNB

And I Like Pina Coladas...

...and getting caught in the rain.





What I need is someone thats going to be there for me no matter what when I'm 85, old and wrinkly with a bajillion health issues, and still holding my hand.


Thats what I need.

In Sickness and in Health

This has been probably the weekend with the most lessons learned in one spree of shifts since working as an RN. My first shift started with a set of all new patients, as I hadn't been there in a couple days. The words "You have a brand new ICU transfer" are never exceedingly happy words to a new graduates ears. And this case was exceedingly unique.

This lady had been in the hospital for weeks before her ICU trip and before she was my patient. Just two days before receiving her as my own, she had a major abdominal surgery, taking out 20 pounds of subcutaneous fat that was touching her knees and therefore creating a pressure ulcer, on her abdomen. Yikes.

So, this lady is still, even minus the 20 pounds, a good 400 pounds. She is 71 years old.  She has four drains coming out of her abdomen that are draining the fluid from the surgery site. Meanwhile, guess how many I'd worked with before these four? You guessed it, none. As an aide I had come from a Medical oriented floor rather than surgical. Anyway, her incision site was 1.5 feet (yes, feet) across her abdomen, and it was leaking. A lot. Can I add here that I have minimal experience in uncovering, cleaning, and redressing surgery sites?

I guess there's nothing like throwing you into the worst of the worst and learning that way. After working with her all weekend, I have a lot better of a handle on surgery drains, and surgery incision care. I even felt that I had a really good way of doing it that was actually working for her, being that they were leaking so much.  Its a hard internal battle with yourself as a new graduate, because you want to desperately trust your instincts on how to do something. You really do think you know what to do. But then theres that part of you that says, questionquestionquestion!!! So you begin to doubt yourself. You lose all faith that you're even doing a remotely good job, because you're so new. How can we even tell the difference? We think we're doing a good job and then it all comes crashing down on us.

So, having this patient before me, (in addition to another ICU transfer, a chemotherapy patient, and another hard case, also in addition to 2 PICC lines, and 1 Port-a-cath), i knew it was not going to be an easy weekend.

Trips to the commode were an extreme hardship with this woman, who was beginning to really have respiratory distress, let alone her size. She needed a special commode, special chair, etc.  Her dressings needed to be changed 2-3 times a shift, which took no less than 30 minutes each time. Her drains needed to be emptied 4-5 times a shift. Basically, my care during my shift was centered primarily around her as I was in there the most, and attending to my other three when ever they needed me.

But theres nothing like that daunting feeling that you really don't think this patient is going to pull through, in the long run, and you just pray they can just survive the night. With her worsening respiratory status, I got a couple of her doctors on the phone, who all advised getting the ICU on board. So In comes the ICU resident, who orders a stronger source of oxygen, (she was already on 5L) and some breathing treatments to help ease her breathing and her wheezing. Her oxygen levels were dropping down into the mid-80s, which is, really not good, particularly with someone with no existing respiratory disease.

Needless to say, this morning, she eventually got sent to the ICU and I can only pray for her from here on out.

What was most unique and heartfelt about her case, besides the fact that she was a very nice and enjoyable lady to talk to and work with, was her husband. Her husband, also in his 70s and very thin,  was by her side every minute. Being that I work nightshift, I can tell you that he slept over both nights on this little tiny recliner, and got up to every unique sound she made or mention of his name. He got her everything she needed. He gave her a massage when she sat on the commode. He didn't just hold her hand, he grasped it. She grasped it back. His eyes, they were so beyond exhausted but also so madly deeply in love. You could just tell she was his everything. Which is, beyond amazing. I'm not implying that all guys leave a relationship when the woman gains excess weight, but most guys don't stick around. But he not only stuck around, he was her caregiver, her nurse, her husband, her best friend. They played around with cute little inside sayings and banter. They had their own way of saying I love you, without even saying it. There were times that she would wake up in the middle of the night and just say her husbands name, making sure he was still there. And even with him being a little hard of hearing, he jumped up and held her hand whenever she did call out.

It got to the point however, that I extended whatever care I could come up with to her husband, because I was seriously concerned over his well being. Not only emotionally but physically. I hadn't been sure of his sleep cycle during the day, but on my shift he was there every minute and only took intermittent naps. He was literally exhausted. I got him all set up on a comfortable recliner and highly encouraged that he needed to get some rest and to eat some food, water, etc.






Thanks for reading everyone. Round three tonight.... more blogs on the way this week. Love you all,


~WNB


.

Is it Possible?

How is it possible to want something so bad and yet I find I'm constantly pushing any possibility of having it away? I can have it all and yet I'm blatantly pushing it all away. There must be something wrong with me.




But I do want it. I think. I just don't make any sense. I've literally spent some long moments off in space just trying to figure myself out. Like, having conversations with my alter ego's in my head, going back and forth trying to figure out why the heck I am so ridiculous all the time and I literally can't come up with anything. Nothing. So I just leave it at the fact that I'm just weird complicated and want what I can't have and don't want what I can? Eeeeeeebiejeebies.


There are so many times where if I described myself in one sentence, right now, I don't like what I hear. Sometimes I think I'm becoming I used to look down upon. I'm a good person in a lot of ways, also, I know that. Who knows. I try to be a good person.


I just don't even know what I want right now.


Sorry for the sad, vague, depressing, intuitive(?) post.....i'll be back to happy outgoing self soon. Ish. :-)


~WNB



.

This Ain't Goodbye

"You and I were friends from outerspace, afraid to let go. The only two who understood this place..."


Okay. I'm not even sure where to begin, to be honest.

I lost a really great friend this past weekend. Saturday morning.

I think I'm still in the Denial stage of grief. Its just so hard to......grasp. To really say to yourself, She is gone. I'm not going to see her anymore on random at work. I won't see her smiling face anymore, hear her laugh. I'm not in denial that she passed away. I get that. I understand that. I'm in denial I won't see her anymore, I guess. Its just so hard to believe.

It happened fast. She became very sick very quickly and after all, we all knew death was imminent, as much as we all hoped she would pull through on the last minute and be fine. She was diagnosed with Cancer in June and we all imagined her pulling through the chemotherapy rounds and then eventually returning back to work one day. None of us knew, ever even thought, that it would end like it did. Maybe thats why its still so hard to believe. She was supposed to make it.


She was hired where I work (at the hospital), on my floor, the same job as me, exactly a month after I. I met her when I was 18, five years ago. At the time I was only working alternating weekends, so I could toggle my other job and school as well. Therefore, she was my "weekend buddy", the only employee I really got to know at first. We were both still so new and we learned the ropes together, we had a lot of laughs and a lot of learning. Eventually I quit my other job and picked up a lot more shifts at the hospital and eventually met a lot more people and became very good friends with a lot more of my coworkers. But Ann was the first.


She was way too young to die. Just over middle age, she was just starting to prepare for retirement and the major second half of her life. She was just recently dieting to be healthier...for some reason I can't get that out of my mind. Just a week or so before she was diagnosed I remember her asking for some time off to get some health check-ups done. She was fine, then. Or so we thought.


Life is always full of "I should haves".  If I had known that her being diagnosed with cancer and admitted to our hospital would end in her passing, I would have gone to visit more. I would have given her more hugs. I went to visit on occasion because I knew there would be more times to visit, a lifetimes worth. I was wrong.


The earth shattering thought of it all comes down to this....she was "fine", and then two months later, she is not with us anymore. She was dieting, she was planning for the future, she was taking care of her daughter and mother, she was living her life, she was working full time, she was fine.

It could happen to any of us. It could happen to any of us that we become sick, or any of us could die at any passing moment, and then what?  Just like that? It's just hard to wrap your mind around. I think everyone naturally plans on and counts on the fact that they will live til their elder years and then its okay to pass away. I certainly do. I can't imagine myself not making it to the elder years, but then again, who actually plans on not doing so? Life just catches us so off guard its unbelievable.

Upon her recent passing, all of us at work have been sharing our favorite memories of her. Memories she never would have imagined would be her last in our minds.

Some of my favorite include this one time when staffing was an absolute mess one day at work and everyone was pulled to all different floors. I got pulled first to our psychiatric unit for a 1:1. Me and Ann were supposed to split the 8 hours and switch at 7pm. Well, 7 pm came and sure enough, she came down, but not to relieve me. She sat down right across from me, and told me she had been called down herself to watch another patient next door. So we spent the next four hours, right next to eachother (that never happens on 1:1's, ever), just talking, catching up and getting to know more about one another.

Which got me thinking, if you or I died right now, what would peoples last memories be with you? Do you approve of those memories? What would you change?

What would you wish you could have done before you died?

For some reason, every time I come close to death myself (I make it sound like this happens a lot but its actually usually made up in my mind *hypochondriac*) I find myself thinking, "I can't die yet. I haven't written a book yet." A written book is the one thing I want this world to remember me by. So why aren't I writing it? I am fine, I am healthy, I am not dying anytime soon. I have all the time in the foreseeable, fortunate lucky world. So if it means that much to me to do before I die, why aren't I writing it? Why wait until its too late?

I guess we always just leave those things to another day because "life" gets in the way. Our kids, our jobs, our responsibilities, our groceries, our errands. Our bucket lists can wait on another day, another time to start that, because today you have to run errands.

Being in the healthcare field, I know how much she was suffering. She is no longer in pain now and had a very painful and traumatizing last month of her life, which no one should ever haver to go through. Being on the patient and nurse in my life so far, I know the dynamics and suffering of what she went through and I don't even know if I would be strong enough to do it myself. She was one of the strongest people I knew.

So, knowing that, my only prayer is that Ann got to do what meant the most to her in life. Got to spend life with people she loved most and loved her most. I guess thats all anyone can ask for, when it comes down to the bare necessities, right?


Well, one day we will meet again. I know she will be waiting for us with her classic smile, and Styrofoam cup of water with "Ann" written on the side. Until then.....


"But this ain't goodbye
This is just the way love goes
When words aren't warm enough to keep away the cold.
This ain't goodbye
It's not where our story ends"

Love you always, remember you forever. Rest in Peace, Ann. < 3

~ WNB



. song lyrics by Train, "This Ain't Goodbye"

I Assure You This is True

Falling in love, is just like being on PROzac. You smile for absolutely no reason, all the time. You are in a good mood, all the time. You suddenly feel like skipping and holding doors open for the elderly  and giving people money that need it and being extra  generous and happy  and spreading joy to everyone around you. For absolutely no prompt- all the sudden you feel like dancing and smiling like a lunatic while walking down the sidewalk. Kind of just like this :

When you think about it, this video could just as easily be an ad for any antidepressant. But its not. Its falling in love. And they got it down perfectly.


:-)


~WNB


.

Don't Kill the Birthday Girl

Hey!

So update on my life....


I got an NCLEX date! Scary business right there. I have exactly one month, starting tomorrow, to study like I have never studied before to pass this test. Failing *is not* an option, as I am already scheduled for work orientation soon after the test! Ah!

Anyway, Saturday me and some new (and old) cool friends went for a hike up, and down, and up and back down, this hiking trail out in PA- "Hawk Mountain". Needless to say, "trail" was an understatement--It was seriously intense! Most of it was figuring out the best way not to die, jumping from rocks to rocks.....but it was the most fun I've had in a long, long time. Seriously needed. Funny how unexpected moments creep up on you like that. It was breathtaking, working so hard to climb up to the top of a mountain, and then to see the view....it was just incredible. To just turn off your phone, eat lunch on a rock overlooking miles and miles, listen to nature.....

I used to be the kid that when we went hiking as a family,  I wanted to take the hard routes. I wanted to climb over all the rocks. I wanted to go in the caves. I wanted to be in the lead and find the pathways. Well, since then my most epic hiking has been stuck with the local reservoir which is mostly all a laid out pathway around a lake reservoir thing. But this....this was what I missed. Seeing a rock ledge above you and its just you, your friends, your sneakers, your strength, your brain, your judgement, your depth perception....its all you. It was a good, well spent day. :-)








Anyway- about my stranggeeeeeeeee title, I read an excerpt in "psychology today" (favoritist magazine ever) about this new book, "Don't kill the Birthday Girl" by Sandra Beasley.

The excerpt was page turning from the very first word. It instantly caught my attention. What is it about? Me. Well, not me me, but my life. She has it a LOT worse, a LOT WORSE than I ever have or will, but I know exactly what she is talking about. This is a memoir written by a girl not much older than me that has lived her whole life trying to survive despite multiple severe food allergies. She has what is a true "allergy" (i.e. anaphylactic reaction). I only have one true allergy- (peanuts), the rest are all inconvenient "intolerances".   So in the excerpt I read she talked about dating in particular and how frustrating it is to expect a guy to ever, ever want to live, date, and take care, or marry someone like this. Beasley quotes, "There is a world of difference between having someone care about you and forcing him to be your caretaker." So true.  She talks of how she has to hide who she really is on dates, and how she has to be the annoying girl fighting with waiters at restaurants instead of just eating normally (I totally get that) and how she even hid a complete anaphylactic reaction on a date until she walked him home, and then she called 911 on the street! Crazy.

Beasley quotes, "Forty minutes passed by in a blur as I tried to keep the date going, pushing hummus around my plate as my body shut down." I've been there. Many, many times. It sucks.

A lot of times I find other people find my many food problems more annoying than I do. I'm used to it. I can find plenty of things to eat still. My closer friends get it, and put up with it. Its my family and new friends that I meet that find it annoying. People worry about me, "Well if we go here, can you eat anything?" The answer is yes, I will find something. If I cant, its not a big deal, you know? Life goes on!

I've blogged about this frustration before, but it sucks having to explain to new people that yes, I'm allergic to that, and no-I can't eat that that you just made for me-and yes, I'm allergic to that too, actually, and no-I'm not kidding, I can't eat that either. And by then all hope is gone of a nice relationship. It sucks denying food people made for you or are offering you because it has a shred of milk in it.

So I totally get where this girl is coming from. I get how hard her life is. She has it a lot worse than I do but I still get her 100%. Needless to say, I bought the book off Amazon 2 days after it was released to the public. So I am really excited to read the rest of this book and find out some of her ways to cope with these allergies. Like I said, I'm OK with it. I just need pointers on how to get others to be OK with it.

Well, this tiredlittlebean should probably get to bed. Tomorrow marks day one of intense, hardcore, no mercy, NCLEX studying. :-\ I need to find the will to just sit at a table all day and do it.....Endless amounts of tea at b&n, thats how :-)


~A Writer in a Nurses Body

PS- Here is a video the author made for the book:

Really good!!!



~WNB

One Day

This is really just a random update on everything.

I Just finished the book, "One Day" which is the novel I bought in Paris and will actually be a movie, soon! A good movie! The book was astounding, very funny, and just my type. Just my type of characters and form of dialogue. Just adorable. Here is the trailer for the movie, I can't wait to see it!

So, thats lovely. :-) Now just to start studying for my NCLEX now...








Have you ever quit something? Something that was bad for you? But then you really, really missed it but didn't even know why you missed it? Maybe you just missed the memories, or the package of what came with it, but did you actually miss...it? And then....just when you have reached your breaking point--you find a new "it". And then you realize, with all this happiness your new "it" brings, you realize how unhappy you were with the old? That you have spent the past year longing and missing something that wasn't actually there anymore, in the old place, but you had to start looking anew for it. Stuff that you were previously yelled at for or things that you did that others found annoying......well, now they are graciously accepted, cherished and found to be funny. New people join you in these activities because you have them in common, instead of being hated for it. Quirks that you always knew you had that you thought no one else in the world also shared--suddenly you find in new people and you can laugh about it, together. Are you following at all? Am I making any sense? No? Right then.

I am happy :-)



~WNB



(A Russian & A Britian) <3 :-)

The Ultimate Relationship

I sort of had an epiphany the other day at work... Like I said, I've had a couple blogs ready to go but then last night's blog sort of just took on a mind of its own. It was 2 am, I was sad, and well, you know...that obviously leads to disastrous blogging time!


But anyway, the other day at work I was working with one of my best work-friends. We have been there almost the same amount of time, her a little longer, and work extremely well together, which I have always known. But it wasn't until the other day that I realized why we not only work well together, but why we are really good friends outside of work, too.

Its the key to ANY successful relationship. By emphasizing any, I mean any. Here are some examples I thought of:

- coworkers
- boyfriend and girlfriend >>> husband and wife
- parent and kid
- team players on a sports team
- roommates
- friends
- anyone else.

And the key to making any relationship a successful one is....reading minds!

Okay, well not literally. But almost literally!

Let me explain further on my  epiphany and will show you how it works in other relationships.

Me and my awesome work friend can conquer any problem on the nursing floor, together. We are both very good workers. We know what each other is thinking just by looking at each others faces. We can communicate without speaking. We have this eerie thing of coming to each other's aide when the other is in need somewhere on the floor. We have this way of knowing what the other person wants before we even have to say it or ask for it. And thats it! I have this mind-reading phenomenon with this friend and one other person on the floor, and because of it will probably be friends with them forever....well, I hope so at least. Connecting with someone on that level is....unique. Rare. Special. You can't let that go. And Its not easy to come by, either. It is natural. You can't make this phenomenon happen, it just picks people. There are plenty of coworkers that I can do my job with, but can't work on this level with. You just don't connect.

So thats how it works at work. Of course you can increase your job satisfaction and performance if you have a coworker that can practically read your mind and you theirs...

So what about boyfriend and girlfriend? Husband and wife? Well...think about it. Neither male or female like to have to ask for what they want from their counterpart. We fall in love with people that just seem to know what we are thinking without having to say it. We fall in love with people that get us what we need before you even knew you needed it. We fall in love with people that give you a kiss or send you a text message right at the exact moment you needed one.  This has to be a part of any successful relationship. You have to be able to read each others mind, just by looking into each others eyes. That should be enough to relay a whole paragraph of information to you in a moment's notice. 

With an unsuccessful relationship, which I am all too familiar with (realizing this in hindsight after this epiphany) will be a standstill. You don't have that deep phenomenal connection. You may get along on one level but not on that deep level. You get along for your first couple months, years, but never reach that true....life-long connection because you subconsciously refuse to go there. You get frustrated with each other after the loveys have worn away, because your counterpart no longer knows you, no longer knows exactly what you want. You realize you don't really know who they are, anymore, and what they even want from you. You don't talk anymore, upon hours of sitting with each other, nothing is said....at dinners, in car rides...There is nothing to be said. You are two separate minds that are no longer connected and cannot read each other and this will never work. You can prolong it as long as you like but it will never truly work.

I remember being 17, and in my first long-term relationship, in high school. At this point we had been dating for about 3 years, and things were not good. We fought every day. We did have that connection, at one point, but lost it, I guess. When you are that young, you both change, so even if you had it in the beginning of your relationship it is only natural if you lost it three years later, after surviving high school together. I have this specific memory of standing in my high school hallway, waiting amongst the sea of people rushing to their lockers, staring at my boyfriend, rummaging through his own locker for the morning. He didn't know I was there yet. I remember staring at him, thinking......"Am I really dating this person? Who is he? What do I really know about him?" It was almost as if I was looking at him for the first time.

And the relationship ended that year.

As for other relationships....think about it...a parent child relationship works better if you have that inner-connection. Its all about reading minds and anticipating needs before they arise.  Team players on a sports team have to naturally read each others mind in a split-seconds notice, without speaking, in order to effectively make a play.

And its at the heart of nursing, too. I think all nurses must have this inner-ability in them, to use on whomever they choose. Patients, mostly. Its our job to read our patients minds. To get them what they need before they even call their call bell. To see that they are upset before they even realize it. To always be one step ahead of your patient. To be there, waiting to catch them when they fall. That is nursing. That is me.



Does anyone agree?



~A Writer in a Nurse's Body

This was taken by me in Paris. Can't you just SEE it? You can see it from a mile away. These two people can read each others minds. It is so obvious. One moves and the other reacts. Its a constant state of equilibrium.






I'm so sorry I realized this now. But now I can better pick relationships for the future. :-) We learn something every day.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Have you ever seen this movie? It's one of the best out there...

(Taken from this magical movie place )

Do you ever wish you could erase something from your mind? Would it make heart-healing easier for you? For anyone? Would you elect to get rid of all your heartbreak, if it meant also erasing memories of the two of you having fun together, the good times?

Sometimes I wish I could erase youthings from memory. Maybe then I could sleep; could make it through one day without missing you.

I guess it will just take time to forget, gradually...but Erasing you would be so much easier. I would, if technology from the movie existed.


I need a big change in my life. New surroundings. I need you not to cross my mind every day still. I need a new part of my life that you never had anything to do with. I need something I can call my own, and not "ours". Everything in my room has a backstory connected to you somehow. Places I go, you came with. They are all tattered with your memories. My memories. Ours. I can't even go to my grandmothers house without replaying memories in my head (good memories) of us having fun here, and that goes for everywhere.

I just need to work on replaying the equally bad ones too. Remember why I left. The bad used to override the good and now, in memory, the good overrides the bad...tell me, how does that work?? I guess by human nature, we naturally choose to only remember the happy memories. We forget the rages, the tragedies, the tears, the fights, the heartbreaks, the eternal mistakes.... We don't like to remember those things.

So if my mind can let go of all of the bad memories, why can't I let go of the good? The good ones are depressing, because I said goodbye not only to you but to your life. Your town. Our lake, our restaurant, your dogs, your family. It was like all of that died from my lfe at once. That's a lot to say goodbye to, to say to yourself, "I'm never going to go to that place again or see that person or that dog again." that's a lot.

"I never thought that you would be the one , to hold my heart.
But you came around, and knocked me off the ground, from the start.
You, put your arms around me, and I believe,
That it's easier for you to let me go.
You put your arms around me and I'm home.

How many times, will you let me change my mind, and turn around?
I can't decide if I'll let you save my life, or if I'll drown.
I hope that you see right through, my walls.
I hope that you catch me, because I'm already falling.

The world is coming down, on me, and I can't find a reason to be loved.
It's easier for you to let me go."
-Christina Perri, "Arms"

~WNB

"I loved you on this day"

Paradoxical confusion

How is it possible to want to stay in this town and yet really, really, really want to move across the country?

I guess the answer is moving across the country because you are running away from something is not a good reason to move across the country. I guess my whole life I've been better at running then fighting.

The other day a good friend came to me and confessed a story of how this person was upset that they travelled a big distance to "start a new life" and run from their past. Start over, do new things, meet new people, breath new air. This person was upset because they realized that all of their problems from their "old life" were happening all over again, some dealing with the same people, some with new people/new situations.

I sat back and thought about what magnificent, earth-shattering, phenomenal advice I could give and it was, by reflex, "sometimes you can't run from your problems. Sometimes your problems are inside of you and you need to fight them from within. Sometimes you are your worst enemy and you need to make peace with the war inside yourself before you can adamantly fight/make peace with others...otherwise no matter how much you run, no matter what you do to erase the pain, no matter what drug you take or how far you move, it will always haunt you.

Good, right? Well I can't take credit, though. It actually all stemmed from lyrics from "Next to Normal", because coincidentally that was just what I was listening to beforehand.

So, the point of this ghandi-Buddha-ish life lesson is that I really need to take my own (N2Ns) advice. Moving across the country to start over will not solve anything. It will all just follow. Thanks to today's technology, that is. I imagine it was a lot easier to start a new life "back in the day". Regardless, I need to stand up and fight these battles on my home turf before I can legit move across the state,country,sea, world or galaxy (if I ever got into NASA ;) )

Thanks for reading..

~WNB

Illogical Assumptions

Throughout elementary and middle school classes, through history, english, philosophy, we learn the neverending motto of "History Repeats Itself". I used to think as a child, how can history repeat itself? Thats impossible. Well, that was illogical. I then progressed to the stage of learning development to learn that history can repeat itself with very similar situations at a later point in life, because really, this world is small. There are only so many situations that can unfold. So I grasped that. The point of these lessons were to pick up on the fact that by knowing history repeats, we can prevent a situation from happening again based on what we learned the first time. Or, if it does happen again we can better approach/fix it.

But I never thought history would repeat itself in my life.  I thought, I am in control of my life. Why would the same situation happen twice? I won't let it happen.

That was my illogical assumption.

Funny how it all played out, the same character roles, but different people. Different setting. Same exact situation. Same feelings. Same hurt. Same mistakes, same wins, same losses.

Funny how it all happens. Twice.

Lets prevent a third now, shall we?

http://youtu.be/MeW0Sl0tNS8

Facebook and it's Consistent Ability to Astonish Me

Facebook.

It has completely revolutionized our entire nation. Actually, the entire world. Because of one person. Zuckerberg is more than an entrepreneur. He should be in history textbooks...or at least sociology and psychology textbooks because with one website, he has completely revolutionized how we live. How we advertise. How we date. How we communicate. How we talk to each other. How we overthrow our government.

Did you know that Egypt's current situation was started and organized by a group that got together on Facebook? That Is on the verge of unbelievable. Can you imagine?

I think it is fascinating that this is how we live now. Facebook has become so engrained in our population and society, that I don't think we could function (properly) if the site crashed. Could you imagine that? What If someone hacked into facebook, or the site crashed on it's own? People would have to resort back to talking to eachother in person...or going up to a person and asking if they are single, rather than checking out their relationship status. Oh, imagine the turmoil...think of the young teenagers right now, ages 12-15 that have just recently gotten a facebook. They have entered the realm of dating with facebook to ease their fears. It is what they know, what they know how to do. You go to a persons page, check out their relationship status to see who they are dating or if they are single, check out their pictures and get to know them that way, reading all their statuses and friend comments to see their social network. If facebook went down, my generation (ages 18-26) would be fine. We entered this realm without facebook, we remember what It was like. We could go back to it. We remember writing love notes in high school, rather than writing on your crush's "wall". But new teenagers...rip it away and they would be lost, confused. It would take a while to re-train their brains on how human society possible functioned without facebook.

If a business (of any kind) wants to survive and do well nowadays, they better get a facebook account...and get people to "like" them. How else can a business that targets ages 12-75 reach the people? Tv? Yes. Newspaper? Maybe. Facebook? Of course.

Teachers, professors, principals..all get facebooks nowadays. Is it fair for a teacher to snoop on their students pictures or statuses and seeing they attended a party the same night the "dog ate their homework"? My college professor, whom I respect greatly and honor, told us yesterday that even she, has a facebook. The room wad silent. She then added, "I have to. If I want to see pictures of my grandchildren, that is." That thought astonished me. So, facebook is the only way she can see her grandchildren? So has facebook hindered that part of life for her or made it better? Before facebook, did she travel to see them in person? Did she receive a Christmas card in the mail annually with their pictures? Do they live in California and she never got to see them at all? Has facebook helped her get in touch and be involved in her grandchildrens lives? Maybe. Maybe both.

Both of my grandmothers have facebooks, in addition to my parents (both- although they know all about my life without the help of facebook anyway), 6 of my aunts (all out of state). I think facebook has been a remarkable way to stay in touch with them all, as well as my multitude of cousins, Also all out of state. I know what they are all doing on a daily basis, I know about their lives, I can see pictures of them growing as people and families. Most of them live in North Carolina and while growing up until the age of 19(when I got a facebook) I had no idea what half of my extended family was up too. I saw them once every 3-4 years and I was nervous to "meet" them because really, that's what I was doing- having not seen or even talked to any of them in so long. Now when I see them- I feel already updated on all of their lives, and them to me.

Walking around my library today, I have seen/heard the following: a group project getting together, one "head" person was instructing them that their following group from then on would be on a facebook group that the group head person had made.
Walking around the library, I'd say over 50% had their Facebook pages open.

A couple weeks ago, while watching "the social network" (facebook movie) in my campus student center, the majority of students had their laptops open with you guessed it, their facebooks.

Facebook is mentioned or seen in a massive amount of current movies or tv shows.

"the social network" is up for an Oscar, I believe.

More and more phones nowadays are smartphones(whether the consumer wanted it or not) and a smartphone would be immediately rejected if it did not support the Facebook app.

My phone autocorrects a multitude of strange and funny words, to facebook, in the hopes that facebook was the ultimate word I was trying to say.

The "share on facebook" icon is embedded into millions of websites, including YouTube, blogger, newspapers (online), etc. You can now "share" virtually almost anything.

Our president, has a facebook.

I can not honestly say that I would have watched the State of the Union address if it was not posted on Facebook.

I could probably say a lot more on the astonishing effects facebook has on our society.
But it would be a very long post, as I'm sure it already is. Point is, facebook has changed us and who knows what will happen if the site ever dwindles out or crashes completely. Facebook has changed us, whether we like it or not, believe it or not, or accept it or not.

Amazing. All because of one guy. In college. In a dorm room.

~WNB

P.S- I just typed "Facebook" 35 times. That, my friends, is sad.

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Choices

Let's say you had a job. And you were content, happy with this job. It didnt cause you too much harm. you went to work, day to day, content. Nothing exciting, nothing depressing. Just work. It had good benefits--good retirement, good healthcare...but didnt do much for your soul. But it made sense to stay. It felt comfortable to stay.

But part of you, a big part of you, wants to just quit that job and run out of the building and say HEY WORLD, I'M LOOKING FOR A NEW JOB. I'm looking for something NEW to do! Would you leave the content, happy job, in hopes of finding a really exciting job that makes you want to sing in the streets every day because you are so happy? But what if you quit the content happy job and find yourself broke on the streets, no job? Or worse, In a job much, much worse and then you lost your first job that was happy, content and comfortable and now that is gone because you gave it up in a false hope to be happier....But what if you really thought happiness, more happiness, excitement-perfection...was out there, in a different job?

Would you quit?

You and Me

"Nothing Lasts Forever"- Maroon 5

It is so easy to see, dysfunction between you and me.
We must free up these tired souls, before the sadness kills us both.
I tried and tried to let you know, I love you but I'm letting go,
It may not last but I don't know, I Just don't know...
And If you don't know, then you can't care
You show up, but you're not there
But I'm waiting, and you want to,
So afraid that I will desert you.

Everyday, with every worthless word, we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay.
Nothing Lasts Forever but be honest babe,
It hurts but it may be the only way.

A bed thats warm with memories can heal us temporarily.
THe misbehaving only makes the ditch between us so damn deep.

I built a wall around my heart, never let it fall apart.
Strangely I wish secretly, it would fall down while I'm asleep...

Tough we have not yet hit the ground
But that doesnt mean were not still falling.
I want so bad to pick you up, but you're still too reluctant to accept my help
What a shame, I hope you find somewhere to place the blame..

Nothing Lasts forever but be honest babe, It hurts but it may be the only way.