Maybe It's Supposed to be this Way.

I have been fluctuating moods so drastically lately....I think its the stress/lack of sleep/lack of exercise. I go to two extremes when I'm really tired- I'm either really hyper or really, really groggy and I act like I either have dementia or am really drunk. Today is one of those non-hyper kind of exhausted days. I need to figure out why this is happening. Just the other night I was running around the house dancing and wanted to finish all of my work I have ever been assigned, read the newspaper front to back, wash the dishes, do everything.  And I wasn't even hyped up on caffeine...I was just me. It was just this crazy all day burst of energy. And then, days like this, where I try really hard to be productive but I am so tired that all I do is drag myself out of bed to attend to my schedule, and then crawl back into bed as soon as I can... I exercised today, hoping it would help. I scheduled an hour but only had enough energy for 30 minutes, and I started to feel dizzy. So I got off, cooled down and then on way back had a burst of energy and I wanted to run (weird) so I ran the half mile back to my house. That felt good, and I felt good for about a half hour and then the exhaustion came back.

I don't get it. I sleep perfectly well at night. I usually sleep right through. I get 7-9 hours usually every night. My nutrition is pretty good, in my opinion. I take vitamins. I get a variety of food. I get my protein. Carbs. the usual....Im under a lot of stress but I dont think its drastic enough to cause this amount of exhaustion, almost every day. I think its something medical going on, but again, I can't prove anything and I hate going to the doctor's to complain about something when I just sound like another hypochondriac basket case.

But anyway, I came to an epiphany today. Actually, it was last night. I was thinking- wow- This nursing program is really, really hard. And its not just me that thinks so. Everyone thinks its hard. We are all complaining. We are all really stressed. We are all under a lot of pressure. We all have papers due, midterms, presentations up to the wazoo....often due at the same time. Its unfair, when you think about it at first. However, I sat back in a daze and really thought about it. All the nursing programs that I have heard of are hard. Its not just us. Associate degree programs are hard. Other BSN programs are hard. I'm pretty sure its probably national.

But I think....just maybe...this is a good thing. These programs shouldn't be training & teaching nurses by holding their hand and making everything as easy as pie while we are in school. Because, guess what? I don't care if you are a nurse for cute little whateverbeans, our jobs aren't going to be like that. Nothing will be easy. We will have multiple things on our immediate to-do list at all times, just like now. As much of a hellhole the last 3 years have remotely been, In the end, I'm glad for the experience. I'm glad we have been scared shitless and stressed to no end, because its practice.

Would you want a nurse that hasn't been through a really hard program? Probably not, right?

Its funny because while I was still in high school, I was one of the stupid little naive girls that I hate now. Before I decided to go to community college- I had entertained the idea of coming straight to my college I'm at now right away- If I could have even gotten in, that is. Someone older that I had been talking to had warned me that this college's Nursing program was very, very, very hard. I thought to myself.......yeah, right. I'm pretty smart. I work hard. How hard could it possibly be? If I work really hard, I'll be fine.

Well, whoever that person was, they were right. But I'm glad. Thats all =]

Now, If I could just get some work done before I fall asleep again....That would be so fantastic. Big week ahead....(what else is new).

~WNB

Gorgeous night

So, it's probably like 50 degrees out here, which in new jersey standards for November thanksgiving week, is warm. Or maybe it just feels incredible because every place (indoor) I go into I have to take off my coat because I am so incredibly hot and it is unbearable. So outside Is nice. These hot flashes are either in thanks to the prednisone, or the fact that my campus heats according to what the temperature should be, not what it really is. So a warm November week outside leads to all campus buildings being hot. I have my ac on in my room, no lie.

So today went well. I did a lot of bullshitting on my interview because I didn't know what to say when put on the spot. She said flat out that she had only a few positions open and she may not be able to take me. So I was just as honest as possible, and tried to do my best. I feel I have personal charm when I need it and I know what people want. My weakness is that when people are talking to me and just me, I never know what to do with my face or with my hands. I'm always concerned with my facial expression- I want to appear interested- even if I really am interested inside, sometimes my brain is just on overpower thinking about what the person is talking about that my facial expression is on the back burner and I appear disinterested. When in fact I'm just thinking about what you're saying. Other times, I really could care less what you're talking about or don't understand, and therefore brain gets tired and shuts off and therefore I am left to work out my facial expressions and how to appear interested. Wow, that was a mouthful.

Anyway, the way I see it is this. 1) I didn't make a total ass of myself or look like an idiot that didn't know how to do anything nursing related. I answered questions quickly and honestly and did my skill well. 2) if I get the position, fantastic. Really. It will be stressful, but beneficial in the end. If I don't get it, I'm really not that concerned because i probably wasnt a good enough candidate for the position and I wouldnt want to put the nursing program department reputation at risk.

Today, or rather the past two days I have been in a Blue-October (music) mood. I feel so wrapped up inside of my little cocoon- so apart from the rest of human society. I avoid people, I'd rather not talk and I like to do things by myself. Yesterday I spent 3 hours at barnes and noble, went shopping for some clothes, and went to dinner, all by myself. Today (besides classes) I have been alone. Ate dinner. Now, I'm sitting outside my library under the evening light with some hot tea and a newspaper (hard to see in picture), and I couldn't possibly be more relaxed or happy.

Although thanksgiving break is starting tomorrow, it will not be a break. I have to catch up on work I missed while in the hospital, current work that I expected to have done by end of break anyway, and get started on advanced work so I can get ahead, which is where I like to be. So despite my best friend and grandmother (same person) being with me at my house starting tomorrow until the weekend, I must utilize every possible hour and work pretty damn hard. I said the same thing for fall break and it didn't go well. In fact I did nothing. I can't do that again. I do however, plan to take a break on thanksgiving day only and enjoy tea and intellectual conversations with my grandmother and do nothin nursing related. Oh, and eat some awesome food.

Ok well it's starting to get a little cold. I shall sign off and leave you readers to go do something else, or read old blog entries or hey, VOTE! on my little poll! Do it!

Ok with love,

~ A Writer in a Nurse's Body