A Story and a Dream

"If theres any body out there listening to me, all I have is a story and a dream. Here I am, and thats all that I can be." -Tori Kelly

Hi. It's me. I'm writing again. I'm here.

I've been thinking about this blog for a very long time. It started in 2009 and around 2013 I lost my drive, my writing mojo. All together. I tried so hard to keep it all together and as my nursing career was starting and going strong I began to lose the writers part of my brain. I began to feel burnt out as a nurse after my 3rd year and it started to consume my entire life, my entire brain. It made me not want to write anymore. I didn't feel like I had anything to say. For awhile I tried making 1-2 posts a year but that just made me feel even worse. Even more guilty.

I guess part of me didn't know what to say and the other part of me didn't want to let my audience down. I worked so hard bringing this blog to where it was, gained so many followers and internet attention as It was being born- and then during my block- sometimes I would think of a post and instead of just going with it like I used to- Who cared what people thought?- I would filter it and ask myself, is this good enough for my blog? And usually I'd talk myself out of it or then find myself too busy to log on and try so the thought wouldn't come to fruition. The evil cycle continued.

However lately, my life has taken many strange and exciting turns. It has been a rollercoaster, to say the least. Like I said, I've been thinking about this blog and have desired to start it back up for quite some time now. But again thought to myself, do I have anything to say? But now I have realized within myself- the same self that started this back in 2009 that who cares what people think? This is my blog, my writing, my self. Lately I've really started paying attention to myself and reacting and standing up for myself and whats right. So from now on I will write what comes to mind and if it bores you then great, find a list to the right hand side of my page with other fantastic blogs you should go read. I need this. I need this blog now to be an open space for me.

So where is my life now? Where is my career? In recent exciting news, I have gotten married! Yeah! Crazy. I married a wonderful gentleman back in October. To say the least, it's been an incredible but very busy fall! I thank fates and heaven every day for my husband and this wonderful man, even though i'm pretty sure he doesn't even know how thankful I am for him every day. I try so hard to be a "good wife" but its not in my genetic code to be very wifely. Once in awhile I pull through for him though. ;) He's so patient with me, takes care of me, encourages me, inspires me, questions me in a good way, watches out for me, protects me, and loves me so much. Just the other day I was explaining to someone else that found them self in a rather new relationship- the friend asked me how I knew this man was the one- I said because we can read each other's minds. Although that sounds telepathic and futuristic- Its true! We can't actually, but we almost always know what the other is thinking.

We haven't been able to take a honeymoon however, much to our dismay. Why? That leads me to my next exciting news. My career took an exciting change for the better in August. The Hospital Network I work for has recently decided to adapt a new electronic health record system. For privacy purposes, I won't outwardly say which one, but if you know anything about health informatics and what system is currently sweeping the entire nation- you can probably guess which one. In August I was selected to come on to a team of trainers to teach all the nurses and care assistants in my entire network on how to use this system before it goes-live. So even though I had spent the last four years on the nursing unit at the patients bedside, I decided it was time for a "break" from the bedside and to follow my heart into healthcare informatics. Although I had never really been a trainer or teacher of any kind before August, I dove right in and for the last few months have been teaching nurses!

My mom is a sixth grade teacher. Growing up watching what she did every day, I didn't think I had it in me-the strength to do what she did. I admired her but didn't think I ever could do it. But, it was what I faced at the time so I jumped right in and started teaching! I soon found out after a few bumps and practice runs that I actually loved to teach! Sure I had a ton of challenges and challenging people (turns out teaching adults is very hard!), but that feeling of sharing your own wealth of knowledge and seeing other people "get it", is very rewarding. I even had a student tell me I was the best teacher he has ever had, including nursing school, and grad school. Go figure!

I knew I was good at it and ran with it. I was good because I was a nurse, teaching nurses. I understood what they go through on a daily basis, because I went through it all too. I understood what I needed to teach them in order for them to be successful. I was able to relate to them, tell stories about my own nursing care, give examples and scenarios on how this new system will make *our* lives easier as nurses. It was the perfect recipe.

So that whole process of going-live with the software? Yeah, that starts tomorrow. I know I am prepared because being a trainer, I know the system inside and out. However I start my journey back on the patients bedside during this whole process, my trainer/teaching time opportunity is thus far all done. So the next couple weeks/months will be stressful at best as we all cope with this very big change in my network. I am personally excited, even though I know it will be stressful. I am excited for the end result because I know the system will eventually better our patient care, give us more time with our patients instead of unnecessary charting. Just, in time. Everything good happens in time, right ? Something like that?

All that time all fall in the classroom has also inspired me to *finally* begin my Masters of Nursing program at a local university, in Clinical Nurse Leadership. I start in a week and a half and I am sooooooooo excited, but also nervous! I LOVE school, and I LOVE to be a student, and I am such a nerd because I honestly seriously do LOVE to learn new things. I want to soak up all the knowledge in the world, the only trick is remembering it all! And paying for all that knowledge. -__-

So upcoming between my return to the unit and starting school, I will have a ton to write about! I will also need this venting space now more than ever. I don't know how I will find the time, but somehow I found the time during my Bachelors program so I can find it now too.

Also in recent months, my beloved 85 year old grandma and best friend, has moved into my state! I tried for it to be the same town, but two towns over isn't too shabby either. She used to live in Long Island, New York, and on a good day it was 3 hours to go see her. On a bad day, up to 6 hours. With her increasing age and frailty, that was too long to travel on a moments notice. So the past couple months has been lots of realty and picking things out and spending time with lawyers, but best of all spending more time with my Grandma. She moved December 10th and I have been able to spend so much more time with her since. I already considered her my best friend prior, I have since I was a child- but even more so now. I am able to get to know so much more about her, and her I. The best part is with all this time spent with her, I felt inspired of all her tales about her life that I wanted to write about it all. So I'm writing a brand new, fresh start, new book. I know I've said that before, but this one feels different... It just does.


Well, this has been a long enough first blog back. I work all weekend as we "go-live", but I assure you after this weekend, I will post again to tell you all about how that all went down. Probably with a glass of wine. ;)

For the followers that still follow, thank you from the bottom of my heart for still having interest. For any newcomers, welcome!


With love,


A Writer in a Nurse's Body


P.S. That quote up top and the title of my post. There's a (small) story to that. As I tried to muster up the courage to come on here and write again, as I loaded the webpage, a song by Tori Kelly called "Where I belong" came on and I heard these lyrics and it was exactly what I needed to hear. Because thats exactly what I think, what I am, where I belong. I am just a girl with a story and a dream.

Thankity Thanks Thanksgivingsly Thankful

Hey everyone! So although I don't get to post much, it wouldn't be thanksgiving without my annual thanksgiving post. It has after all been....four years?

So my personal tradition annually is to list things I am thankful for each year. Just like my traditional new years resolutions, I don't really do it for others to see, more so for myself to see each year and watch myself grow.

What am I thankful this year? Where do I start?

I am so thankful to have had a very successful first year in my first house! No disasters, no fires, nothing bad so far. Just a couple ghost sightings (friendly!) and lots and lots of house improvements!

 I am thankful for having a big-girl job that pays me well enough to be able to afford all of these amazing improvements to my little humble house. Every day I thank my lucky stars that I am decently comfortable.

On that note I am also extremely thankful for a job that although comes with some drawbacks, I am so blessed to be able to have the schedule I do and go into work every weekend and see what I can truly call some pretty awesome friends. My weekend co-workers and I are a true team, we help each other out and don't let anyone drown and that truly makes the difference in hospital nursing, when someone has your back.

I am thankful for my family, all healthy, all loving! My father is absolutely the most helpful father I could ever ask for when it comes to starting up a first year house with lots of necessary home improvements! And my mom is certainly helpful when it comes to critiquing home improvements and help decide on future renovations!

I'm thankful for my healthy grandma that finally got to see my house just a week ago! Although facing severe macular degeneration and hip pains, she strives every day to enjoy life and enjoy time with family.

I am thankful for what is now my year and 3 month boyfriend, Brian.  He teaches me and motivates me every day on how to be a better person. He also keeps my house looking amazing and helps with a lot of improvements as well! What more could I ask for?

I'm thankful for my sister, we've been getting to know each other on a more adult-personal level and turns out she's a pretty cool cat, a lot cooler than when we were 5 ;) I think I'll keep her around.

Speaking of cats, I am thankful for my two most adorable kittens in the world, Ms. Lilly and Belle. Although they at times torment my house and my sleep schedule, they make me laugh every single day and are always there to greet me when I come in the door and always know when I need a hug and some love. And they are cuddly :-)

I am thankful for my own kind heart. I've been facing a lot of adversity lately. I've been feeling slightly jaded as a nurse and I hate that, and I've been going through a lot of self reflection lately. And although many in the world believe the only way to survive is to only think and fight for yourself only, I strive to believe that is not the only way. Through all this self reflection and taking a step back to look at myself, I've noticed the things I do that I consider to be very kind, and I do it out of pure reflex, or instinct. I don't do them for any monetary or personal enrichment. I just help people because that's what needs to be done. I'm trying to spread this attitude and I want others to see that if we just sprout more and more kind hearts, that maybe we can overcome the evil in the world. SO many kind hearted people out there are masked with evil actions because they feel that the only way to beat evil is to be evil themselves. I'm thankful for my acceptance that for at least the time being, I refuse to screw someone else over in any way just for my own benefit.

I'm thankful for my new side job, with Premier Designs Jewelry! Although I never would have guessed I'd be an independent business owner for jewelry (I used to hate jewelry), it has truly been a wonderful and interesting experience, and certainly worth my time!

I'm thankful for my vision, as I've seen what my grandma is going through and it makes me so, so thankful for my own. I do wear glasses and my vision is awful without them, but at least I have no tunnel vision or black spots, I have full range of vision and for that I am thankful. Without my vision I couldn't do three of the things I am most thankful for, art, writing, and reading.

I am thankful for my hearing, for without it I would not have music. Music is my therapy, the only way I know how to calm down and focus. Music Is there for me when I've had a nursing shift from hell, music is there for me when I want to just be calm, be by myself and create art. Music is always there for me and it is my love. Music can do so much more for me than any person.

I am thankful for my studio. Although I haven't had time to be a writer this year, I am thankful for my new space that is just for my studio and I have since created multiple pieces of art that I love. I am thankful for that space.

And most of all, I am thankful for this blog! Woot! I have readers from all over the world and over 50,000 views and you guys are seriously awesome for reading what I just think is my regular thoughts every day.


That's all folks,
love you, all. Miss you, all. I'll write soon. :-)




<3 p="" wnb.="">



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Settling in and Grateful

Hey all!

It's been a rocky couple of weeks, and the months ahead will be up and down! Welcome to the adult world, I guess.

But regardless, my favorite holiday of the entire year and I get to spend it with some of my favorite people. Like I did last year, I'd like to dedicate a post to what I am most thankful this year. I don't mean to sound cliche, but I think everyone (including me!) forgets what blessings we truly do have and we tend to focus on the negatives in our lives. I've had a lot of negatives lately and today I am making it a point to focus on the positive, not just today but for the months to come.

I am most thankful for the following, in no particular order:

- My health. I have all four limbs, I can walk, talk, hear, see and smell. I have all my organs. Nothing hurts every day. I can breathe.  I am blessed.
- My family. My parents have supported me so much and are always there when I need to fall back on them. I couldn't ask for a better set of parents, ever.
- My sister, she's growing up to be a pretty cool grown-up :)
- The most amazing, loving, nurturing and caring boyfriend I could have ever asked for. I definitely don't deserve him and yet he sticks around anyway. He is always there when I need him and he can read my mind and always knows when I need a hug. His smile brings a smile to my face every day and I am grateful for that.
- My grandma and grandpa. I am with them both this holiday today and they are both able to walk, talk, hear, see, remember everything, and laugh. I am thankful they are still present in my life and I will cherish that.
- I'm thankful for a nursing job that recently changed into one of the most amazing deals I can think of, working less and getting paid more. I am grateful that this leads me to have more time to finally finish my book.
- I'm thankful for my gym, its one of the most amazing gyms and has introduced me to racquetball, one of the hardest and fastest sports I've ever played and I love it.
- I'm still thankful for my car. It's still, so so so awesome.
- I'm thankful for the United States troops- Marines, Army, Navy, Air Force, Coast Guard and all the reserves that are away from their families today, fighting for their families, fighting for our freedom so that we can enjoy our day today in peace. Thank you.
- I'm thankful for all my fellow nurses out there, we are our own breed and we can communicate with each other so well, also thankful for all the police officers, firefighters, EMS workers, mechanics, grocery store workers, and everyone else that is stuck working today instead of with their family.
- ARTSQUEST!! I'm thankful for Artsquest, my escape, my place to smile in.
- And Barnes & Noble. ^^
- I'm thankful for a roof over my head and a warm place to live in. I have the most amazing apartment in the BEST little city and I couldn't ask for anything better.
- I am thankful for the BEST friends a girl could ever ask for. My friends this year, new and old, have taught me that its okay to open up to them and not keep everything inside. They truly care about me and I will love them forever in return. They know who they are.



I guess thats about it.

It's 2012 and this country is in a severe economic crisis, and by all means not every 24 year old in America has their own apartment, car, and an income to support themselves. Not every person, regardless of age, has what I have said above, and every single human deserves it all. THe human race amazes me every day, despite all of our flaws. I know I am very blessed and I have so many people to thank for that. I truly do.


So, I'm settling into my new job and its going somewhat well, I'll dedicate a new post soon all about that. Anyway, I hope whoever is reading this enjoys the holiday today with their loved ones, friends and family and takes a moment to think about what they  are most thankful for this season. It's okay if its what you've been thankful for last year, because all that matters is that you remind yourself of your blessings.



With love,



WNB.


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Wow...?

Well, the epic weekend has come to a close, and boy was it full of surprises and learning experiences.

I had a lot of panic attacks. My panic attacks are unnoticeable...as in unless you really, really, really, really REALLY know me, you don't notice they are happening to me. I honestly don't think my ex-boyfriend whom I dated for almost 4 years could notice, and he is always able to tell when I have a headache or stomachache. I don't even think my parents could tell. So I keep it very hidden. I don't have obvious symptoms (i.e. short of breath, rapid pulse, sweating) but instead I feel it in my stomach and I feel like my entire world is collapsing around me and that I am unprotected and vulnerable. Sometimes they can be 10 seconds to a couple of minutes and usually the only cure is to be alone for a couple of minutes, or if that is not possible then I usually just quiet down and sort of "give myself a hug" (i.e. just wrap my arms around my stomach so that I cover that sense of feeling "unprotected"). OK but enough about that. Point is, I usually only get them a couple times a month and extremely sporadically. But this weekend I was having a couple a day. Not sure why....My longest one was Saturday morning, after breakfast, before seeing anyone really--And before going to the service--it just came over me. I immediately excused myself, came back to our hotel room and just hid underneath my covers...in my nice dress....I mean really- Who does that? Me, I guess. Not often though, I promise.


Anyway, the memorial service was really excellent. I am usually not an emotional person, by any means. I used to be proud of myself that I could be in very traumatic situations and not shed a tear....it just literally wouldnt happen. No tears. I guess now I realize I just never had anything to cry about, til now. Now, being 23, I friggen cry in movies. WTF is that?   

But honestly, I had already shed my tears for my grandmother. Don't get me wrong- I was still very sad and still in disbelief- but what made me actually cry was seeing everybody else  cry. My rocks...my aunts and uncles. My mom. I don't like to cry in front of people because I can't just shed a tear. If I am going to cry, I am going to bawl. So I didn't want to bawl. So I kept telling myself to just play it cool, play it cool, don't cry....but, I did. Seeing everyone else cry is really what did it.    

Other than that, though, there was never another cry-moment. The rest of the weekend was spent with my amazing crazy family, and it really was just like that dream I had, sort of a premonition of how the weekend was going to go. We talked about grandma, we laughed, we told stories, we shared pictures, we felt her there with us, too.

But what I learned most of all, is something  I should have realized long ago and what will ring true with me for the rest of my life. Just as I did realize in my dream, my grandma (in the dream) was healthy again. In real life, before passing, she was extremely not-healthy and her quality of life was rapidly decreasing. She could no longer do some of her favorite activities. But in the dream she was back in full health, full laughter....playing games with everyone.

Well, through talking with family, they helped me come to realize that my grandmother is happy right now. We joked around that by now she is organizing some sort of big event in heaven, she has already joined a choir to sing in and play her accordion, she has met up with people from her past, she has made wrong things right, and most of all, she feels healthy again. And she will always be looking down on us. So I don't worry about her, I am not sad anymore. I am happy for her. She got her happiness back. And she will be around to visit us all on occasions :-)


My cousins are growing at an extreme rapid rate....like almost non-human! Its quite comical because after me, 23, the next 'group' is my sisters 'group', composed of 2 18 year olds, a 17 year old, and a 15 year old. For the past ten years it has been a constant struggle.... Do I sit with the adults? Do I sit with the kids? But this year I found it much more widely entertaining to stick with the "kids", except they're not kids anymore! They are going to college! Crazy to think about when you remember them being born. 

My cousins from Florida, I see them grow up on Facebook, but its not the same as seeing them in person. And I haven't seen them in person in about 3 years or so...So last time I checked, they were still young teenagers. Well, this weekend they were mature, gorgeous, amazing kids *mini adults* and it was such a treasure to see them like so. One of my younger cousins, only 10, asked me what I was drinking today. I told him, wine. He says......"Are you old enough to drink wine?"  And I said, "yes, I'm 23."   Needless to say, he did not believe me! I guess everyone is growing at an alarming rate. I can't even believe i'm 23, actually. What kind of age is 23, anyway?


Well....time to hit it. Tomorrow is our epic 10 hour drive back home and I am lucky enough to be dropped off 3/4 of the way through to spend a fabulous night with my bestest college roommate EVER, and we will be seeing the Philadelphia fireworks on the fourth of July! So COOL! Im pretty sure it will come in second place after Amsterdam adventure in terms of best nights ever. I'll be sure to tell you all about its awesomeosity. :-) 


Before I leave you, I will leave you with delightful pictures:

This is SO SPECIAL. My grandfather came out today with a handful of my grandmothers jewelry, and said that grandma would be so happy for all of you girls to take a piece of her home with you. So we did! We all picked out some of her necklaces that fit our unique personalities, and I will forever cherish this, forever and ever and ever. And ever after that, too. And the cross- my grandmother loved to sew. Anything that could be sewn or embroidered, and she was on it. Well, She hand-made these crosses. I guess at one time she was making them to sell. Well, we found a box of them, all in different colors. We figured it would be nice for everyone of the family to have one, but would there be enough for all? Probably not. But alas, we counted them- and sure enough, to a tee- There was exactly enough embroidered crosses of hers to go around to every single family member-even our newly born 1 year old to the family. If that is not a direct gift to our family from my grandma in heaven- I don't know what is! So something more to forever cherish.....

Memorial service photos....Amazing to see her throughout her entire life span and how much we look like her!

This is the garden outside of her church....just gorgeous...

This is my cousin's first born!! Ahhhhh how are we old enough to have kids! AH! But he is just an ADORABLE bundle of JOY and I was so happy to have finally been able to meet him from Florida!

One of the 18 year old Floridian cousins trying to pretend like the grass is actually amazing to lie in like it is in the movies.....I never actually asked how it was but it sure didn't look amazing. But SHE is amazing!

This is my sister getting her hair braided by her one cousin, and my other cousin in front of her. I call them the three musketeers :)


Goodnight all! Thanks for reading....


~A writer in a Nurses Body
         

Blessed

Dreaming is such a special thing....it allows us to go on special journeys we can't actually do in real life on this earth. It allows us to talk to people we can't normally talk to, for various reasons. It allows us to do whatever we what to do, see whomever our subconscious wants us to see.


Last night, I was blessed enough in my dream to have been able to say goodbye, one last time to my grandmother.

Let me explain. It was truly an eerie dream and I wouldn't even be blogging about it if it weren't for it continuously popping back into my head. This coming weekend will be her memorial service, and lots and lots of relatives I know and that she knew will be attending. It will be a time not for mourning, per say but for a celebration of her wonderful life and time with us. It will be a time to spend time with other family and truly express how much we love one another through thick and thin.

Thats sort of what this dream was. It was the memorial weekend for her, just as it is coming, and everyone I expect to be there, was there. My families funny antics all happened, we laughed, we cried, we played jokes and pranks on one another. We were family. Most of all--my grandmother was there. In the dream, it was my understanding that although I knew we were there for her memorial services, that she had come back and had been revived and was in full health, full walking condition and everything, and was able to spend the weekend, and the weekend alone with us. We played board games. I saw her laugh one more time and smile once more in my sleep. She laughed at the childrens jokes once more, her giggly full-hearted laugh with her rosy cheeks.

Most importantly, we each got to say goodbye in the dream. I did. I got to see her once more.


Do you believe that ghosts can do this ? Do you believe they can "tap in" to our dream world and show themselves, for times like this ? Do you believe in any of that or do you think this was merely just a glimmer  of my subconscious envisioning her? Either way, I think, it doesn't matter. My mind conjured up a new experience with her, made from combining my subconscious already knows about her prior, and used all that to let me have one more memory, even if it is in a dream. One more memory.



I woke up happy.



~ WNB


Do you believe?

To Have Said Goodbye

I'm not sure how to say this....life post-Europe has been great. I have been seeing so many friends, old friends, friends, new friends.......I have been with family around the clock, both nuclear and out-of-state family...and this has all been a pretty happy time. But thats the thing. It makes me undeniably nervous. Nauseous.


With the recent *unexpected* passing of my maternal grandmother, it woke me up. That was my first close relative that has passed away....although I am with and around death so much at work and in other parts of my life, I was never a survivor until now.

It woke me up. It made me realize that we truly do take so much for granted, even if we are good people and don't intend to...Sometimes I think we think we are immortal. We forget death happens to all of us. We forget that our loved ones could die any minute, we could face death ourselves tomorrow and not know it. Any of us.

We forget that. Because its morbid, and depressing....But then the unexpected happens and we are left with not even being able to say goodbye.


This all has made me so jumpy, so anxious, so nervous....that I am going to lose more. If I lost my grandmother, I could lose my other grandmother too. I could lose my father who has a suspicious family history of heart disease. I could lose a close friend. It really has made me realize how fragile everyone is. How fragile I am.

I went to spend a week with my paternal grandmother this past week. Its been a long-due visit....and it shouldnt have been. I should be seeing her all the time. And with my maternal grandmother passing, it has motivated me to just drive out to see her and just....spend time with her. She tells me all the time when I am with her that she feels "guilty" that she is not "entertaining" me, but she doesn't even know that all I want is to just be around her.

With this newfound anxiety and feeling like I could lose it all in a second, I have been acting weird. I am trying so much harder to mentally-record special moments with loved ones I am afraid of losing....and when I can't rely on mental, I have been taking pictures with her too. Just savoring moments, taking it all in in case I have to remember it all tomorrow. Its eerie. I don't like being like this....but is it necessary, sometimes?

Everything happens for a reason. I firmly believe and know that. As unfortunate as it was, my grandmothers death happened for a reason....but what reason?

I guess we aren't always meant to know for what reason, but a reason there is. We just have to have faith.


I said earlier in my blog after it had just happened, that it didn't feel real. That I still expected to see her when I travelled next to North Carolina. To talk to her on the phone, still. To see a comment on one of my pictures on facebook from her. That her death was just a hiccup in her health and it was a quick hospital visit, but she's ok now. I'll see her. But thats not true, and Its starting to settle in now. For my mom and my aunt, they have both expressed it "settling in" when they call their house and their father will never more say, "Let me go get mom".

For me, it has hit in unexpected ways. The other day I browsed through my phone contacts and realized I had my grandmothers cell phone number saved. Did I ever even call it? Just to talk? Also, I was just viewing my blog followers and realized she registered as a blog follower, quite some time ago, so she could receive emails when I post. Its those little reminders that punch you in the stomach.

I feel extremely sad that she was so excited for me to be able to go to Europe...and she only got to see a few blogs. It kills me that she couldn't even have seen a single picture. If I had known, I would have made more of an effort to get pictures up for her to see.....but who ever knows? You can't live your life with the "If I had known...." racing through your negative thoughts. You didn't know. I didn't know. But I know now, and maybe the "reason" for it all is to make me stronger and to realize for the future how fragile life truly is, and to savor every breath, every moment. Say goodbye to people as if you won't see them again, tell them how much you love them. Every time you see them...


As a conclusion to this eerie post, I leave you with an eerie finding. A week or so I stumbled across one of my county college's literature book that I have been published several times in, back in the day. The following poem is a poem I wrote back in 2006, to express the heartbreak of loss. Losing someone close to you. How that feels. It just seemed fitting that I just happened to stumble across it again, now. Like I wrote it for the future almost.....


"To Say Goodbye"

It's Learning
                    To say goodbye.
                                  To look through this fine print,
And see, eye for eye, the impact that has hit.
                    To say goodbye,
Is learning
                    That this is the hardest part of dying.
It's not the pain that comes with it....
                     Not the physical pain.
                                      It's the tearing.
                                                 The Ripping Away,
                                                          At an innocent heart.
                                                                             Innocent?

It's an Anger,
                        masking an inevitable sadness.
                                                           A fear.
                                                           A Hope.
A dream.

                                                           A truth.

It's pretending to be angry, so you don't have to;
                                Cry,
                                Let go.
An anger,
                For leaving us here.
                             For giving up.
                                         For seeing the light.
                                                     Without us.

For knowing that in the end, they chose death,
                     rather than pain.
                                             They chose heaven.
                                             They turned down life.
                                                           A change.
                                                           A chance?

An anger. A frustration.
                You should have stopped them.
                You should have been there.
You didn't say goodbye....So much anger.
You think about it,
                 over and over and over again.
        What could have gone differently?

Would it have been wrong to have asked you to stay?
                                Because of a need?
                                An inability to let go?
                                                    to say goodbye?
A fear?
             Of being alone?


One more chance......

                                     .....to say goodbye.



I love you Grandma. Miss you. Miss your smile.



~A Writer in a Nurse's Body




                         

Interesting Piece of History

Today was an amazing day at work.

It's going to be really hard to explain....truly.

Last night, I was lying in my bed, just waiting to fall asleep, staring at the moon, still sickly. And all of the sudden I felt this wave of.....joy? Relaxation? Serenity? Acceptance? Peace?

I swear I was not on any drugs!.....Well, other than Nyquil.

I think it was my Grandmother's spirit coming to say hello. Thats what I think.

All of the sudden, I just had all this confidence, all this warmth, that I was going to have an amazing day at work the next day. I could feel energy pouring calmly through me that would be used the next day (today). I could envision this energy being used to make my patients smile, to do those extra little things for every body. 

With my grandmother recently passing away in a hospital, and a couple of my relatives being with her there to experience it and tell me about it, it only made me remember again why I am in this profession. My aunt (my grandmothers oldest daughter) explained to me how much of a difference the care and love the nurses gave, how much the little things counted.

Some times at work I forget that. I do my job really well still- but I forget that who I am taking care of is someone's beloved grandma, grandpa, daughter, son, mom, dad, sister, brother, friend.... Just as my grandmother was to me, I would want absolutely nothing more than to have the best nurses take care of her and my family. In fact, if I had found out about what was going on while I was in Europe, in retrospect, my only wish would have been to pray that she did have good nurses.

So sometimes I forget, yes. I see my patients as individuals and forget that they are connected to so many others. But today I did not forget. I made it a point to treat every single patient as if they were my only, and as if they were my family. Of course this is hard to do when you have 23 patients, and I wanted desperately to stay on my shift longer, because I literally ran out of time to the very last second.

I worked day shift this weekend, which I do only on a rare blue moon. I have never been a huge fan of day shift, mainly because I usually find it rather painful and frightening to wake up before the sun, and function. However being on day shift this weekend helped me spend more time with my patients and do those 'little things'. Day shift is primarily responsible for getting everyone washed, ready for the day, teeth brushed, fed, washed again...so you get to spend a lot of 1:1 time with your patients. They get to know you, trust you.

Just like yesterday I shared the story of my 101 year old delightful patient that deserves all the respect in the world, today I encountered another type of patient that deserves all the respect. Veterans. 

I spent about 30 minutes just getting this one patient washed up, both yesterday and today. I really got to know him, and in just one day got to see him greatly progress in his health and effort. Through talking today he shared with me that he is used to being a patient in military hospitals, as he served for many years in his day.  He quotes, "Back in my day....back in the army hospitals, if you could walk, you were out there helping the nurses. There was no lying in bed all day like we have to do here. I'm getting sicker lying here. If I could I'd be out there helping you."

It was definitely an interesting piece of history that this man shared with me. History is great out of a textbook, but means so much more when coming from tales of personal experience. How interesting, to think that healing soldiers got back up and helped the nurses? To see that friendship, respect and camaraderie that must have been there....I would pay a million bucks.

Overall, it was an excellent day. I got to do little special things for a couple patients, and that makes all the difference to making or breaking your day.

I think I am probably going to fall into the early nurse burnout category...because I never want to stop. I know how many things I have to do, how many people need help, how many people need me at that moment and it never stops, and I have trouble leaving, even if its to pee or to go eat. If I weren't going to pass out from not eating for 12 hours, I would just work straight through and help every last patient with every last need. I eat my food quickly because I know I need to get back on the floor. I know this is not good. Thats how burnout happens....putting everyone else before yourself all the time... But, really, isn't that what I'm getting paid to do sort of? Shouldn't I?  Doesn't it sort of come in the job description?

I need to find the fine line and camp out on it. I need to find a balance of hard work, extra time with patients, making it to see all my patients, but also being fair to myself. Eat, pee, laugh, breathe.... I need to work on that.

~WNB

PS- It has also been finalized that I have some definite odd case of OCD. After working 12 hours and not eating dinner (I ran out of money, lol) I was definitely looking forward to coming home to a homecooked dinner leftover for me. On the drive home I was starving. I envisioned how awesome it would be to finally sit down and eat some dinner at home, while watching tv.

Well, I got home, changed out of my gross scrubs, went downstairs and threw some food in the microwave. As I stood there waiting, I realized the sink had dishes in it. Too many dishes. You can't wash your hands. That bothered me. So I decided to do the dishes. But then the wash machine was full with clean dishes, so I emptied that first. But then my food beeped ready. But I couldnt ignore the dishes now that I had started, I just couldn't. So I put the dirty dishes in and started the cycle. But then I realized the countertop was wet and dirty around the previous dish infested area and had to clean that too, despite food still being ready. After that I figured I might as well clean the dining area, which I did, because how can I stop at the countertop?


Eventually though, I did get to eat. :-) The funny thing is if you saw my room you would never peg me as a neat OCD freak, but thats because i know where everything is in my room despite it being messy. But if there is dishes in the sink, I just can't look at them. Can't do it. Have to wash them. Go figure!

A Rainy Day In London

Wow...where do I even begin?

First things first, I am feeling a bit better about the recent passing away of my grandmother. Yesterday was an exhausting day of getting up at 430 am, not eating right, waiting in airports, flying for seven hours, and then finding out your grandmother died on top of all that. My original plan was to stay up once I got home to fight jet lag, and wait til bed time to sleep. But considering the circumstances, I showered and climbed into bed, slept for four hours, got up and ate dinner, and climbed into bed again for the next 12 hours. I couldn't think clearly and cried at every attempt to talk, and sleeping was just a way to escape my thoughts. 

I didn't dream last night, and slept right through. I desperately needed that sleep.

Through talking with relatives on that side of the family, I have felt much better. I have had feelings of guilt for having fun in Europe while my loved ones were suffering at home, but I can now see that my Grandmother would not have wanted me to feel upset and that she was so happy I was finally able to go to Europe. I guess I just wish I could have said Goodbye...

I have never had a death before of someone close to me. I have always tried to prepare myself for what its like, because I knew my grandparents were reaching that age, and also- friends or anyone can die at any time from any cause- So I knew I had to be ready....but you can never be ready. You can never prepare for that moment.

I have been able to think more clearly today because it doesn't even feel real. I still feel like I'm going to see her next time I make a trip down to North Carolina. I keep expecting her to comment on something on my Facebook wall with her witty humor. It doesn't feel real, and I guess thats making it easier to get over, but in no way does it make it complete. She is still constantly on my mind and going down to NC in July is going to bring back all these tears once more.

From here on, I just pray for the survivors, my Grandfather and all his children. I pray for my other Grandmother, so delicate and yet so strong fighting cancer in Long Island. I love her more than words can express and wish desperately that she lives a long, long time more. I pray for my parents, sister and friends...



On to a happier note and what you are all excited to hear about (Well, some of you!)...London! Let me think back to where I left off....Ah, my birthday in Paris. The next morning, we got up exceedingly bright and early to catch our train to London. We took the Eurostar...I was really excited to take this because for *some odd reason* I thought it would be like the Harry Potter train where you get separate compartments and even the candy cart comes around and you can buy chocolate frogs that come to life and show pictures of Dumbledore.....Ok, just kidding. I didn't expect the chocolate frog. But I really did think this train had separate compartments. But it was just a regular train. That went very fast and went under water.

Arriving into London was....funny? On the train I was pressed up against the window like a little kid, waiting to see London. Waiting for the magic to happen that I've waited for my entire life. Waiting for the soundtrack to play in my head. Waiting for sparkles or something spectacular. After every tunnel we came out of (there was strangely a lot of tunnels) I kept thinking, Is THIS london? No? What about this? Are we in London now?...I was very impatient.

Arriving into the train station was also pretty comical. All of our suitcases (all 42) were piled on top of one another and had moved during the ride, and we all stood in a clump outside the train, figuring out how to move the first one without them all crumbling down on top of us. How many college students does it take to move suitcases? Apparently 42.

The first thing I LOVED about London was that everyone spoke English and it was perfectly acceptable and normal! It was such a relief after struggling in every country! It felt abnormal and strange that I could just go up to ANYONE and ask them any question. It was a huge relief. I could read signs again! I can watch tv If I wanted! I could overhear conversations! I could order things off menus! It was good times. I kept seeing signs in English and thinking that it was abnormal, because I was used to everything not being in English. I find it greatly astounding and I am grateful that the Fates decided to make me sick and therefore I had no voice (well, a very squeaky voice), because this prevented me from doing an English Accent the whole time. I assure you, I promise I would have done a British accent the whole time if I had my normal voice. But I tried it in my squeaky raspy voice and I sort of just sounded like a sick turtle-duck smoker combination and it was not acceptable so I just shut up and that was so much better. If I had done an English accent the whole time I would have just made a huge ass of myself, guaranteed. Look for example later...

I kept looking for King's Cross, to see Platform 9 3/4, but apparently it wasn't at that train station, and we didn't have time anyway. Bummer.

un-occupied. So off we set for downtown London.. Our hotel was in the outskirts, but we were still able to take the "tube" in, even if the tube was a 35 minute ride (no joke!). AH! The first thing I noticed about downtown was that everyone drove on the opposite side of the road and car! I forgot about this! It was the weirdest thing! I guess London got used to having a lot of pedestrian-tourist accidents because of this, so on each street crossing they have written on the road, "Look Left", or "Look Right". Its sad that I actually relied on these reminders and it helped a lot to prevent me from dying at least 8 times.

The "tube"! Hehe.

London had SO MANY Book Ads everywhere, particularly at every tube station. I found this amazing because in America, you don't see ads for books....you see ads for movies, video games, no smoking, more video games, t.v., more movies, and oh....the big one? Food.

I also wanted to read this book one day so I took a picture :)

We first took a mini walking tour, but our tour director ended early because she was too fed up with how CROWDED London was, and we were all tired and grumpy and complaining and weren't sticking together, so she sent us all of on our own. With this newfound free time, me and a couple friends walked to Buckingham Palace. So pretty! Even just the walk down was extremely pretty. We were BLESSED with a gorgeous day in London, which apparently happens rarely.

A stranger looking into Buckingham palace.... :) I couldn't resist.

EVERYONE seems to love this photo!! I guess its a nice photo!

my only shot of Big Ben! :( Long unnecessary story.

After visiting the palace and walking through the gardens and picking up a sandwich for dinner, we head back to the National Gallery fountain and dipped our feet in the large fountain. This was heaven, as it was a really hot day. The fountain/ Gallery area was PACKED as it was such a nice day. Kids everywhere dipping their feet in and playing in the water...couples sitting together eating ice cream on the fountain, singles reading books or the paper....it was just adorable.

After our lovely feet-dipping excursion, we went back to the hotel to shower and refresh. Then a select few (About 13) of us pre-signed up to go to a Haunted Ghost Walk of London.  This was really fun! This was one of the things I was looking forward to the most before the trip even started, because, well....I like Ghosts, and I like London. We met just as night was approaching, and it got really windy, and it was the perfect ghostly-atmosphere. Our new ghostly-tour guide took us around some of the most-known haunted locations in London, and it was indeed pretty spooky. London has been through so much and is far older than anything in the United States, and has been through many odd deaths and disasters, causing many understandable angry ghosts. We saw this one cemetery that was about 5 feet higher than the surrounding ground. I didn't think anything of it until he said it used to be ground level until they had to stack body upon body over the years in the burials.....creepy! We stopped midway for a special cider drink very popular in London, (I didn't like it it was too beerish, but it was actually very strong and that part was...funny). Overall this was very fun because I was with some of my best friends on the tour, we became closer and shared lots of spooks and laughs together before calling it a night.

The next morning, was a completely free day. My tour director left it up to us what we wanted to do on our very last day, and was leaving us the option to sleep in. Despite being in my favorite city in probably the whole world and what I have waited for my whole life, I decided to sleep in a little. The night before I was extremely sickly again (common cold) and was very deficient on sleep. I needed the extra hour, and was fine with spending the day in London alone because of it. But it didn't work out that way.

I woke up at 930, ate breakfast (the wrong way, and got yelled at, Long story. Too long for this post), and got ready to leave by 11. I knew that since the tube was such a long ride in, that I would be staying in downtown London until dinner time with my tour group, so I had to pack enough to last all day.  Despite being the kind of sick where you just want to stay under your covers all day, I knew I would hate myself forever if I did that. Forever. I had to just get out there and see London, and pay for it later. Before I left, I remembered that the museum I so longed to see- Florence Nightingale- Was here in London but I had no address for it, and no Internet. I tried finding it on map but no such luck. I tried texting "chacha" and they sent me an address in Texas. No luck. This upset me greatly but I let it go since I had plenty else to see and I did not have enough mentality to suffer through being disappointed about the museum.

I got to London around 12, and walked around the National Gallery for an hour or so before meeting up with a free special London tour, the Harry Potter tour! This could brighten my day any day. The tour was a walking tour, taking us to all the locations used to film all 7 HP movies. SO COOL! We saw about 8 locations, including the ministry of Magic, the movie theater they walk under when flabbergasted after apparating into London in the most recent movies, Honeydukes, and most coolest of all....Diagon Alley! So neat. It was amazing standing in the same spots and streets that the beloved Daniel Radcliffe has stood!

I LOVE THIS PICTURE

Diagon Alley!

Ministry of magic....

Ron touched the wall over there!

During this tour I spent most of it with a girl from my tour and realized that we had almost everything in common, and we only realized it on our very last day on the tour! What are the chances!? :(  We made plans to spend the rest of the day together, but as we were looking at her map to make plans, what did I see on it but the Florence Nightingale museum! I politely told her that I HAD to go to this but that I would meet up with her later. So, off I set to the museum!

It was really cool, and definitely worth seeing, but nothing I didn't know before from nursing school. I guess I knew more about Florence than I thought. But the museum did a nice job of displaying the accurate image of nursing, the history of nursing, and the future of nursing. It was very nicely done and interesting. I was pleased. I also got a LOT of souvenirs here! :-) 

Unfortunately upon leaving the museum, the infamous London rain had finally set in. It was pouring, and I was on the outskirts of London again. Fortunately, the "London Film Museum" was very close by and I ducked in to avoid the rain. Upon paying for my ticket, I decided to throw in a little bit of an English accent, and I thought it was pretty darn believable. I think the (very cute) English guy may have even believed it. ...... Then I had to give my license to validate my credit card and what does my license say on it? New Jersey. Big. Idiot. Moment. Of. The. Day.  --_--

After this, I decided to walk to the next bus stop in order to get back into the center of the city. I had about 3 hours until I had to meet up with my group for dinner. Unfortunately this bus stop never came and I got really lost, in the pouring rain, sick, and with tired feet. I gave up on everything at this point and just walked wherever my feet decided to take me, for a good hour. After I got tired of that mindless pointless life choice, I ducked into a dry phone booth and got out my map and made a plan. At this point I had two hours left til dinner. I decided I was close enough to walk to dinner, but that I missed the bus tour that ran city-wide to all tourist attractions and shopping areas. So I had two hours to walk to dinner and stand outside the restaurant in the rain. So thats what I did.

So, I am disappointed in myself for not waking up earlier despite the sicklyness and seeing more. I feel like I barely saw anything of my favorite city and did not do any shopping. I wanted to buy many many souvenirs from London, being my favorite city, and I got none. Seeing every one Else's souvenirs at dinner, and hearing their awesome London stories of the day, I was extremely jealous.

But on the bright side, I got to do the Harry Potter tour, and saw the museum I so desperately wanted to see. Not getting to see much else only gives me a reason to go back one day! Right? :)

Overall, I liked London. I think London was my favorite City in terms of fitting my personality, but I had a better TIME in Paris. This is a big difference. I think the experience you have makes or breaks it, as well as the people you spend it with, or don't spend it with. London has been in my heart forever, and that just doesn't go away after one day.  I will always be in love with London I think, and I will go back, one day. I am mad London came last and therefore I was more likely to be exhausted and sick by then. But thats not Londons fault. And we were blessed enough to have had a Gorgeous after noon Saturday, too.


Tomorrow I have a whole "European Refection" blog and what I learned about myself on this trip. I will be pretty epic and exciting so look forward to it! Also, sometime this week I will go back and implant photos into all the blogs so look for them! :D

~WNB



Thanks for reading everyone, it means so much to me! My mother passed along the message to me that my grandmother liked to read every entry and that means so much. Thank you for all of your kind messages and support, very much appreciated and loved. &lt; 3

Today

Today, was a FANTASTIC day! Why, because I passed test 2 out of 4 and these tests are critically important. And even though kids were crying after they took this test and everyone thought they failed and that she did not test us appropriately and that she was probably not of sound mind when she wrote it-AND she probably curved it a lot- I still passed :-)

I made a pact with God that I would go to church tomorrow If I passed. Is that morally wrong? Probably. Me and God chat, I just don't usually go to sit with him in church. But I am tomorrow. I guess he really wanted me to go to church, because I got an A. :-)


WOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Also, it was my grandmas 80th birthday party today which went fantastically, (despite my parents fighting most of the day) but YAY for everything else running smooth as a bell. Are bells even smooth? I guess so.

Also, I have the whole rest of the week off from school so YAY! What does that mean? Start studying for test 3!! I know, neeerrrrdd. 0:-)