Paradoxical confusion

How is it possible to want to stay in this town and yet really, really, really want to move across the country?

I guess the answer is moving across the country because you are running away from something is not a good reason to move across the country. I guess my whole life I've been better at running then fighting.

The other day a good friend came to me and confessed a story of how this person was upset that they travelled a big distance to "start a new life" and run from their past. Start over, do new things, meet new people, breath new air. This person was upset because they realized that all of their problems from their "old life" were happening all over again, some dealing with the same people, some with new people/new situations.

I sat back and thought about what magnificent, earth-shattering, phenomenal advice I could give and it was, by reflex, "sometimes you can't run from your problems. Sometimes your problems are inside of you and you need to fight them from within. Sometimes you are your worst enemy and you need to make peace with the war inside yourself before you can adamantly fight/make peace with others...otherwise no matter how much you run, no matter what you do to erase the pain, no matter what drug you take or how far you move, it will always haunt you.

Good, right? Well I can't take credit, though. It actually all stemmed from lyrics from "Next to Normal", because coincidentally that was just what I was listening to beforehand.

So, the point of this ghandi-Buddha-ish life lesson is that I really need to take my own (N2Ns) advice. Moving across the country to start over will not solve anything. It will all just follow. Thanks to today's technology, that is. I imagine it was a lot easier to start a new life "back in the day". Regardless, I need to stand up and fight these battles on my home turf before I can legit move across the state,country,sea, world or galaxy (if I ever got into NASA ;) )

Thanks for reading..

~WNB

Readers Beware: Part 2!

So, I am one step closer getting my soul into London! I found a great program that takes college students 18-26 pretty much anywhere they want to go...there are pre-arranged trips and you just pay and hop on, pretty much. I just have to get over the money factor, and I'm there.


I need to be there. I need to go to England. I need this more than anything in the world.

If I can go, my life, as of right now, would feel complete.


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The last couple days I have felt so at peace with myself. OK, thats a lie. Ever since last night at precisely 4:20, after I finished the long day from hell. I had one more thing to study for, which was this morning, but instead I came home, and read a book. It felt really good. I didn't study. But turns out, I didn't need to, because I knew a lot more than I thought, which felt really good this morning.

So then I decided to go home (to B&N)... but I was like...wait, I can't go. What am I going to study? Everything is done for right now. And then I was all like...dude, seriously? Is this what your life has come to? So then I remembered that normal people actually go to B&N to...look at books....and read them...so, I did just that. I sat on a comfy chair for three hours with my two tea refills and read about 40 pages of this nurse-type book (It was a leisure fun one though! I guess I can't stay away..) and then I went to go see a movie (Morning Glory-Awesome movie!) and then I walked around the mall and looked at all the christmas decorations (very relaxing)...and then tried again for B&N and this time read a book totally not-about nursing. So I bought that one and am actually going to finish it.

Woo! Fun day. Relaxing times a bajillion. Definitely soul-replenishing. Oh and then tonight I saw "Eat, Pray, Love" because I've always wanted to see that and never got to in theaters...and it was playing at my school, so, yeah. That was definitely a movie I can relate to right now....

Oh, and I went shopping and I bought this adorable hat. The hat makes me happy. I like it a lot. :)

I think in order to be happy with someone else, whether it be a best friend, a new friend...or a relationship; you have to know how to be happy completely by yourself first. No, I did not just learn that from Eat, Pray, Love. I learned that on my own, over the last couple months.

I lost myself because of this nursing program. I put my happiness on the back-burner, in order to succeed. I kept a small part of me, for the whole three years, but most of it got tucked away. I knew where I was, I just didn't have the energy or motivation to bring that portion of me out in addition to passing all my classes. It just wasn't needed. And by losing "me", I mean artsy me...the inspirational me. The writer in me. The girl who clipped out pictures and articles from the paper and made a collage on her wall...who wrote a poem every day, who painted and drew all the time...who carried her camera everywhere..who used every person she came across as a stepping stone, as a character for a story or novel. Happiness.. And I think, just maybe, that It is all starting to magically come back. I don't know why, or how...but it's coming back, little by little, but very strong. It makes me feel so...happy. I wish I even knew how to explain how it really feels..just good. :)

I hope it lasts. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells because I don't want to do anything that will make it all go away again. But i'm trying to just not think about it. Stop thinking. And just go with it. Just be happy.


With love,
A Writer in a Nurse's Body