Finally Enlightened

Hey! Wow, 2 blogs in < 48 hours! THats an accomplishment for me!

I hope everyone is having a good 2013 so far! I have a really good feeling that 2013 is going to be a life-altering year, in a really good way. I can just feel it.

I got a call this morning from my job offering me a deal to come in for day shift hours and I would be allowed to leave at 11pm , instead of 7 am, so that is awesome and totally is what I needed. I ended up getting out at 11:45 and got to hear the radio dance party on my local station. It was awesome being able to bop along to my favorite 2012 songs, even if I was in scrubs, in the car, and not at a party or anything. It was such an unexpected treat to even be able to listen to it in the first place since I was supposed to be at work. Anyway, so when the radio DJ count-downed( is that a word?) to midnight, and there it is just seconds after midnight and fireworks are going off in the distance as I travel down the road, and I finally felt it. I was euphoric. And what was this, was I actually crying?? Yea. I have *never* cried tears of happiness, ever. Never ever. Which made me cry even more because I was so shocked I was crying happy tears. I was just so happy that I wasn't at work, I survived hell week (between xmas and new years in healthcare) and did a really good job, my boss told me I was a really good nurse....and my favorite songs were playing. I couldn't stop smiling.

So THAT my friends is how I know 2013 is going to be a good year. Because after so long of my emotions being shut down, guarded from heartbreak, I can finally feel euphoria again. I cannot wait.

Anyway, my yearly tradition of resolutions! If you're new to my blog, every year I go through my prior years resolutions and comment on how I did. After that I write new ones. Unfortunately, I read through last years and not much has changed. But its tradition! The italicized are last years, the normal font is me commenting on it. Following the whole set are 2013's.


1) Have at LEAST half of my book #1 completely written by 2013. Part of me wants to say write the whole book by 2013, but....I'd rather be proud of myself for accomplishing a resolution than to not because I set the standard too high. So, yeah. Half the book. I think this is definitely possible.
Haha. That didn't happen. But I have a good excuse. Last year when I wrote this, I was working night shift on a 12 bed unit, and although we had our fair share of insane nights, most nights I had time to write a little when all my work was done and my patients were sleeping. Well, then the summer got really busy, and then I got transferred, and at this new place- I barely have time to pee. My home life  has been pretty busy as well :(
2) I need to learn how to go with the flow....I'm 23, I have to stop trying to PLAN everything. Stop trying to overanalyze everything and just......be. Just do. Accept new challenges. Accept new people in my life. Do new things. Play new sports.
I did a good job with this one! I joined racquetball! I stayed with it! I didn't quit! I joined tennis lessons! I got out and did things I was afraid of this year. I took a leap of faith with my new boyfriend this year. I screwed the logical planning of every single step of my life. I like my life a lot better this way.

3) I want to really focus this year on becoming a much better nurse. I want to do a lot of research on my practice, and really better myself in unique abilities. My hospital is offering the position of a "wound care champion" that I might look into. It would be nice to be exceptionally good at at least one thing among the amazing nurses I work with.
I did end up becoming a wound care champion at my old hospital! It was pretty sweet to be good at something, and to my new job I therefore brought the knowledge of how to dress a wound pretty awesomely. Sweet. Also, being on a cardiology floor has taught me SO MUCH in so little time and I can't wait to be a proficient cardiac nurse.
4) Along with number 3, in general (in nursing and in life), I need to learn to be more confident in my abilities. In my self. In my knowledge. In my instincts. This is really hard. I need to trust myself.
I have serious self esteem issues and I don't think I will ever learn to be completely confident in myself. I always question myself. I just hate to do things wrong. I still have to work on this.

5) I need to learn how to COOK! Not just any cooking, but I need to learn how to cook in general and cook for lactose intolerance specifically. So, I really need to get on this because right now my food groups consist of: Rice, beans, chicken, chinese food, fish & chips, vegetables, chicken tenders, fries, and smoothies. So, More variety needed? Yess.
Okay. This was hard. Thats still pretty much my entire food group, except I eat less chinese food now, less fries, less tenders, and less fish and chips. So I basically eat: Fruit, veggies, BREAD (so bad), Thai food, chicken, rice and lactose intolerant specially made products. Sooooooo, yeah. HOWEVER, I have a lot of influential people in my life that have been teaching me how to cook real things. I've dated two people this past year that loved to cook and worked with my allergies and taught me how to make some good meals. My grandma is a great cook and did the same for me. My aunt has also been guiding me through some really dumb questions online! With buying a new house soon, I'm going to have a full kitchen to myself that I need to use! Goal: next year, I'm making thanksgiving dinner all by myself :)



6) I need to learn how to love again. But at the same time, I need to learn how to just be ok with me. I need to get to know myself better before I let myself attach to anyone else at this point. I feel like right now, when I "attach" to someone, or see someone, they are dating an empty vessel of a girl that needs to figure out a lot right now. I am in here, I promise. Just need to work on my firewall right now, let people in. Its a new year. New beginnings. Let our endings go. Forever, and ever, and hit the ground runnin! Woo.
I did this! I so did this! I'm doing it! I dated a couple young gentleman in 2012 but there was always something that was off.  After a couple bad experiences, I decided it was impossible to meet new people working night shift and the only other thing I did was go to Barnes  & Noble, the gym and out with my family and girlfriends. Plus, strangers don't meet and start dating anymore nowadays. And my friends tried setting me up and it just wasn't working out. So I threw in the towel and joined the ever so promising eHarmony. And within three weeks of my membership (and a lot of conversations), I met my amazing boyfriend. He lives in the town right next to mine, yay! We had talked online and through texting for about two weeks, until we decided to have our first date on a Wednesday. By that Friday, we were boyfriend and girlfriend. So it went really fast but everything just felt right. Which is huge for me, because I'm very picky. He is one of the main reasons I think my heart is opening back up to feel emotions. I held true to myself and am comfortable with myself, I know myself pretty well and I am strong. I don't believe in 1/2 and 1/2 makes 1 when it comes to partners. I believe in 1 + 1 makes 2. We do not complete each other, nor should we. Nor should anyone, because then what are you without them? We are each our own unique person, our own soul, our own complete set of strengths and weaknesses, and together we bring that to the same table and combine from there.

7) I already am doing this, but I want to draw a LOT more. I already have drawn so much since school let out and I love it. I also want to do more with my photography this year. Like sell it. Big time. :-) On that note, look for a photography post sooN! I am WAY overdue!
I drew a LOT this year. I got a drawing desk!!!! Its the best!!!!!!  I've been on a drawing hiatus because I've been so busy but I plan to go back full force this spring. My new house has room for my own studio :) Oh, and I still owe ya'll that photography post...ha



Alright so here's what I've got for 2013. I haven't thought about my resolutions until literally right now. Usually I think about this blog for like a week. Soooooo, here goes.

1) No more sugar. This is something I've been trying to do for a couple of months now, but it's so HARD. What I mean by no sugar is no OBVIOUS sugar. I still plan to eat fruit. What my problem has been, is raspberry friggen Iced tea. That stuff is packed tight with sugar and I've become addicted to it. I've also gained like ten pounds. I also eat more bread than..........Peeta Mellark. I seriously love bread. Its bad. I don't want to eat any obvious sugar. It will be hard, but I can do it. At least cut out 80% of it?

2)Lose weight. I am uncomfortable with my body and have to change. I come from a past of not being good enough for those I loved. My boyfriend now tells me he loves just the way I am and that makes me so happy but I can't stand the way I feel, the extra jiggles and lovemuffins. I hate the mirror.  So, by 2014 I plan to be holding steady under 130lbs. I'm 145 now. I can do that!

3) Budget- Budget- BUDGET. Buying a new house, its not like an apartment. There is no escape plan this time. If I couldn't handle the rent at any point, I could have left at anytime. Not with a mortgage. I have to cut coupons. And actually pay attention to sales. I have to think twice about buying 6 books that will sit on my bookshelf. I can do it.

4) Keep my damn car and room clean. WHY IS THIS SO HARD. I have the cutest little sports car, which looks awesome from a distance and then people get in it and realize its not suitable to non-julie human survival. Sad.

5) Join a badminton team . Join a swimming team.

6) Be smarter. Although I AM a LOT smarter as a nurse now than I was last year, there is still so much I don't know. I so badly want to be the nurse that the new graduate comes and gets and says "can you help me?" and I can just come in and teach and finally know everything and put it to good use. I want to maybe start school this Fall for my nursing MSN. I want to research more about my patients conditions.

7) WRITE MY GODD*** BOOK!


Thats it, folks!! Love you all!
HAPPY 2013!!!!!
Make a difference. Make it your own.



__WNB



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Internal Breakdown

Breakdown. Thats different from Burnout.

Breakdown.

All the experienced nurses look at you, waiting for it because they know its going to come. They know every nurse goes through it. They have to go through it. No one makes it through the first two months without a good, solid breakdown.

The most important factor about you, though, is how you pick yourself back up after you fall down.


Today was probably my first "breakdown" (internal). There was  a moment where I literally had at least six *critical* priority tasks to accomplish. What do you even do first? They are all top priority, so what takes even more top priority?? Sometimes its a fine line of ethical debate.

During that one moment where I had many important (and unimportant) things to do and I was rapidly running out of time, I was about to lose it. I literally had to stop everything, take a deep breath, and then get back to it. I didn't have time to lose it.

In my experience, I've seen new nurses really breakdown. I've seen them cry on the floor, cry in breakrooms, cry with their preceptors, quit the job, snap at coworkers, etc.

But I literally don't have time to do that. I don't have time to cry. Yes I feel overwhelmed and like I'm drowning. But If I seriously took the time to go into a corner and give up and cry, what the heck would happen to my patients? Other nurses don't have time to cover for you. There is no time to lose it. Instead, there is time to tell yourself that this will pass, and to just keep moving as fast as you can with being safe, keep re-prioritizing, delegate as many things as you can, and keep it together.

Its hard when it all comes down to acting. When you have a thousand tasks on your mind, and you are literally walking 25mph in the hallway, and then you have to slow everything down when you're with your patient, even though your brain is trying to move a thousand miles a minute to get things done. You can't zip around the room like a maniac. You can't talk fast with patients. You can't act like your in a rush. You have to make it seem like you have all the time in the world to sit and be with them and answer all their questions. You can't ruin it all by leaving in a rush after you just poked them, gave them new meds, hung a random bag on their IV, etc. They need explanations. Slow explanations. Its easy to forget that patients have no idea what you're talking about half the time. GO slow.


It's hard when you're keeping up with all the chaos, you feel like you're drowning but at the same time you can see the light of the top of the water at the same time. You have 8,000 really important, hard, tasks to do at that moment but somehow, you're holding it all in and you're ok, but then, the copier breaks- and for some ungodly known reason the universe does not want you to scan this stupiddddd piece of paper down to pharmacy that you really need pharmacy to get and you cant give up because its kind of crucial and WHY IS THE COPIER NOT WORKING when you need it to the most???

That, my friends, was the moment I nearly had my (external) temper tantrum breakdown.

I nearly almost even stomped my foot and whined and literally wanted to scream that despite making it through most of the wicked storm, I couldn't make this stupid copier scan a paper to pharmacy. That, is frustrating.

Its kind of like grief. When  a spouse loses their spouse, they somehow make it through. No dramatic breakdown. But then the dishwasher breaks 5 days later, and they find themselves sobbing and sobbing for 3 days straight over the dishwasher. But is it really over the dishwasher? No. Was my near external breakdown over the copier? No.


I have a great team of support system nurses. They are all my friends, being that ive been an aide on the floor for so long. They all came up to me in my time of need and asked if they could help. But I couldn't even tell them what to do because I couldnt even keep track of it all myself. I was so busy that I couldnt even take a minute to figure out what they could help me with. I was having a hard enough time keeping up with keeping everyone safe by myself, and for some reason the thought of proper delegating just seemed like it wasn't worth the hassle. Its hard to delegate to another nurse. Lets say you just really need your insulin coverage given, but you're tied up somewhere else. If another nurse does it, they know nothing about your patient. They don't know your patients quirks, where they like their insulin, where they got it last, etc. The patient doesn't know that nurse. So in their mind, here is some random new person in scrubs coming at me with a needle. They don't know anything more than that. But when they see me, they know and trust me and understand what I'm doing because I've been doing it with them all day.



Somehow, I made it through. I know I am becoming a much better nurse, day by day. I am catching myself before I make mistakes, I am asking all the right questions, I am communicating very well with doctors, I am getting to be great at working with IVs, and I have gotten a multitude of very pleasant compliments to my face and to others about my work. I know I am still a baby nurse but I know once I get a true hold on things, I will be really great. I feel destined to be really great. Its a toss up because I want to be great enough to change the world of nursing. But in order to do that, you generally leave the bedside. You go into political nursing. Or supervisory nursing, maybe. As much as I love to entertain the thought of being that important one day, I can't bear the thought just yet of not being that nurse at the bedside with you making all the difference to you at that moment in need. So we shall see. Even 100 years doesn't NEARLY seem like enough time to do all the things I want to do, in my career and life in general. And I don't even have 100 years. I have like 80. If I'm blessed.

If I had the offer to live immortally and never grow past 35, I'd take it. To stay between my age now and 35 forever and age really, really slowly, that'd be grand. Theres so much I feel like I need to do in this specific age time span. My career, my masters degree, husband, (well, boyfriend needed first), kids.....there isn't enough time for all of it!  I wish I could make these years really last. Im turning 24 In June which is almost 25 and then how the heck am I 5 years away from 30!?


Ah!


My second wish would be to never need sleep, ever.

but thats another story.



Well, I worked late until 9:30 pm. Got home at 10. Ate dinner. Wrote this blog. Going to bed now. Doing it all again tomorrow. Yay.


With so much love,


WNB



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Wow...?

Well, the epic weekend has come to a close, and boy was it full of surprises and learning experiences.

I had a lot of panic attacks. My panic attacks are unnoticeable...as in unless you really, really, really, really REALLY know me, you don't notice they are happening to me. I honestly don't think my ex-boyfriend whom I dated for almost 4 years could notice, and he is always able to tell when I have a headache or stomachache. I don't even think my parents could tell. So I keep it very hidden. I don't have obvious symptoms (i.e. short of breath, rapid pulse, sweating) but instead I feel it in my stomach and I feel like my entire world is collapsing around me and that I am unprotected and vulnerable. Sometimes they can be 10 seconds to a couple of minutes and usually the only cure is to be alone for a couple of minutes, or if that is not possible then I usually just quiet down and sort of "give myself a hug" (i.e. just wrap my arms around my stomach so that I cover that sense of feeling "unprotected"). OK but enough about that. Point is, I usually only get them a couple times a month and extremely sporadically. But this weekend I was having a couple a day. Not sure why....My longest one was Saturday morning, after breakfast, before seeing anyone really--And before going to the service--it just came over me. I immediately excused myself, came back to our hotel room and just hid underneath my covers...in my nice dress....I mean really- Who does that? Me, I guess. Not often though, I promise.


Anyway, the memorial service was really excellent. I am usually not an emotional person, by any means. I used to be proud of myself that I could be in very traumatic situations and not shed a tear....it just literally wouldnt happen. No tears. I guess now I realize I just never had anything to cry about, til now. Now, being 23, I friggen cry in movies. WTF is that?   

But honestly, I had already shed my tears for my grandmother. Don't get me wrong- I was still very sad and still in disbelief- but what made me actually cry was seeing everybody else  cry. My rocks...my aunts and uncles. My mom. I don't like to cry in front of people because I can't just shed a tear. If I am going to cry, I am going to bawl. So I didn't want to bawl. So I kept telling myself to just play it cool, play it cool, don't cry....but, I did. Seeing everyone else cry is really what did it.    

Other than that, though, there was never another cry-moment. The rest of the weekend was spent with my amazing crazy family, and it really was just like that dream I had, sort of a premonition of how the weekend was going to go. We talked about grandma, we laughed, we told stories, we shared pictures, we felt her there with us, too.

But what I learned most of all, is something  I should have realized long ago and what will ring true with me for the rest of my life. Just as I did realize in my dream, my grandma (in the dream) was healthy again. In real life, before passing, she was extremely not-healthy and her quality of life was rapidly decreasing. She could no longer do some of her favorite activities. But in the dream she was back in full health, full laughter....playing games with everyone.

Well, through talking with family, they helped me come to realize that my grandmother is happy right now. We joked around that by now she is organizing some sort of big event in heaven, she has already joined a choir to sing in and play her accordion, she has met up with people from her past, she has made wrong things right, and most of all, she feels healthy again. And she will always be looking down on us. So I don't worry about her, I am not sad anymore. I am happy for her. She got her happiness back. And she will be around to visit us all on occasions :-)


My cousins are growing at an extreme rapid rate....like almost non-human! Its quite comical because after me, 23, the next 'group' is my sisters 'group', composed of 2 18 year olds, a 17 year old, and a 15 year old. For the past ten years it has been a constant struggle.... Do I sit with the adults? Do I sit with the kids? But this year I found it much more widely entertaining to stick with the "kids", except they're not kids anymore! They are going to college! Crazy to think about when you remember them being born. 

My cousins from Florida, I see them grow up on Facebook, but its not the same as seeing them in person. And I haven't seen them in person in about 3 years or so...So last time I checked, they were still young teenagers. Well, this weekend they were mature, gorgeous, amazing kids *mini adults* and it was such a treasure to see them like so. One of my younger cousins, only 10, asked me what I was drinking today. I told him, wine. He says......"Are you old enough to drink wine?"  And I said, "yes, I'm 23."   Needless to say, he did not believe me! I guess everyone is growing at an alarming rate. I can't even believe i'm 23, actually. What kind of age is 23, anyway?


Well....time to hit it. Tomorrow is our epic 10 hour drive back home and I am lucky enough to be dropped off 3/4 of the way through to spend a fabulous night with my bestest college roommate EVER, and we will be seeing the Philadelphia fireworks on the fourth of July! So COOL! Im pretty sure it will come in second place after Amsterdam adventure in terms of best nights ever. I'll be sure to tell you all about its awesomeosity. :-) 


Before I leave you, I will leave you with delightful pictures:

This is SO SPECIAL. My grandfather came out today with a handful of my grandmothers jewelry, and said that grandma would be so happy for all of you girls to take a piece of her home with you. So we did! We all picked out some of her necklaces that fit our unique personalities, and I will forever cherish this, forever and ever and ever. And ever after that, too. And the cross- my grandmother loved to sew. Anything that could be sewn or embroidered, and she was on it. Well, She hand-made these crosses. I guess at one time she was making them to sell. Well, we found a box of them, all in different colors. We figured it would be nice for everyone of the family to have one, but would there be enough for all? Probably not. But alas, we counted them- and sure enough, to a tee- There was exactly enough embroidered crosses of hers to go around to every single family member-even our newly born 1 year old to the family. If that is not a direct gift to our family from my grandma in heaven- I don't know what is! So something more to forever cherish.....

Memorial service photos....Amazing to see her throughout her entire life span and how much we look like her!

This is the garden outside of her church....just gorgeous...

This is my cousin's first born!! Ahhhhh how are we old enough to have kids! AH! But he is just an ADORABLE bundle of JOY and I was so happy to have finally been able to meet him from Florida!

One of the 18 year old Floridian cousins trying to pretend like the grass is actually amazing to lie in like it is in the movies.....I never actually asked how it was but it sure didn't look amazing. But SHE is amazing!

This is my sister getting her hair braided by her one cousin, and my other cousin in front of her. I call them the three musketeers :)


Goodnight all! Thanks for reading....


~A writer in a Nurses Body
         

Saying Goodbye

I think one of the weirdest feelings in the world is saying goodbye to people. Not just "Goodbye, I'll see you in an hour, or a day, or in a week, a month, or not sure when-but I'll see you in the future...", but instead the final goodbye. When you know you have finished your path with a particular person and it is highly unlikely you will naturally ever cross paths again. Maybe you were friends in college but not good enough friends to stay friends after graduation. You say goodbye to hundreds of people on graduation day, and I think most of us naturally say, "see you soon! Let's Get together!" Because we can't face the fact that we will probably never see each other again. We can't take all that lonliness and emotional trauma all at once.

Or maybe you are saying goodbye to a professor you had all four years of your college existence. Naturally, your time together is over. This is really goodbye.

I think we brush off goodbyes, as humans. We don't like to do them, so we don't. It becomes a light-hearted, "Oh I'm sure I'll see you soon!" And then that person moves away and you never see that person. Then, that time when you two just bumped into each other at the supermarket- just so happens to be the last time you will ever talk to that person.

I think its easier to hope. To hope that maybe fate has something else in mind. That if the fates wanted you two, three, four or whatever number of people to be together, there would be a way.

Sometimes your final goodbye isn't so final after all. I hope this is true.

~WNB


P.S.- I have a REALLY wonderful picture post coming tomorrow! Look forward to it!

What the Heck?

I cried three, THREE, times last night during the movie edition of "A Walk to Remember".

I have seen it before and have never cried!

What is this!

Really good movie, though.

I think we cry during movies when we actually have other things to cry about in life and the movie just gives us a really good excuse to cry. Three times. Sometimes the movie reminds you of something/someone and that brings out memories that make you cry. Sometimes the situations the characters are going through are extremely similar to what you are going through or have faced in the past and that makes you cry. Sometimes what the characters go through makes you cry in fear of it happening to you in the future, and you cannot bear the thought.


I have never cried in a movie before. OK maybe I cried in the Notebook. And Nights of Rodanthe.  Oh my god I'm seeing a trend.....


Damn, Nicholas Sparks!! What are you doing to us women??


~WNB

P.S.- This is my 300th post! Weird.