"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?"
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
First, back in 2003, just barely started in high school, I picked up my first dinky camera and my main specialty was taking pictures of flowers, boats, landscapes...etc. Easy stuff. My pixelage was terrible, but I knew and other people knew I had an eye. Around 2005 I got a better camera, and my range of talent expanded to better landscapes, interesting subjects, new places, and this is when I practiced developing my "eye", or rather-what I was looking for from behind that lens.
Now I can see pictures with my eyes. I have a lens inside of my eye that is constantly framing shots and my camera is never very far away from me. In 2006, I got asked by a friend if I could do some headshots for her so she could start pursuing a professional acting career. Although I had never, ever, ever tried to do headshot photography, I figured, how hard could it be? Ever since the world of headshot/people photography has taken itself upon my business! I went from selling "artwork" to "services" and that became that. In 2007-2008 ish I partnered up with my father to create a company together that does primarily weddings, as well as event photography and headshots, senior portraits, etc.
But just recently a very good friend of mine asked if I could do him a favor. They were looking for a photographer to photograph some new fashion pieces on their new designer line. This means I'm now also entering the world of Fashion Photography & Commercialism.
Well the photoshoot went great! I felt very much like I was on an episode of America's Next Top Model, we were practically just missing Tyra Banks. The designer was there, the model, the shop owners....it was very cool!
I know I have a LOT, A LOT to learn, but I like how the pictures came out! They really seem to like them, too. Which is...you know, important. The more important thing is that because they like my work, they want me to come back repeatedly and it will be a paying job. WOOT! So, thats cool!
So here's a sample of todays work:
The funny part is I actually have no idea what I'm doing- I never have. It sort of just....happens. It just works. Me and the camera, we just do. It just works. I learn from movies & magazines in a huge part of my life skills department, and this work here is based off watching ANTM and looking through a lifetimes worth of girly magazines. I think people think my work is better than I think it is, which makes me nervous because when they say they like It I can't tell if they actually think its good or are just being polite. What do you guys think ?
~ A Writer (and photographer, thanks to my awesome friend today) in a Nurse's Body
Sunday, July 24, 2011
I am registered with Miller-Keystone Blood Center to help donate blood in times of need. A couple days ago I got an email that they were in an extreme shortage of blood due to a recent high occurrence of trauma and illness. So right away I made an appointment. Since I have donated before and have been screened, I am a candidate to donate platelets. I also have O+ which is the universal donor- So to me, I feel guilty not donating. I feel like I have been blessed with givable blood- I should give it if I don't need it at that present moment. Plus, you might need it again one day.
Its sort of ironic that the universal donors, the givers in the blood community, are the ones that can only take that one blood type back in. Meaning if you're in your own case of trauma and need blood quickly, they can't just give you any blood. They have to make sure you get O + back.
I love to donate, really. As a nurse, I can save lives every day on the medical floors or on the field. But there is something really cool in knowing that just by sitting there for up to an hour squeezing a ball, I might have just saved three peoples life. While I watched a movie and ate cookies. And anyone can do it, not just nurses, thats the beautiful part. Doctors, firefighters, teachers, businessmen, mechanics, waitresses, painters, you get the idea.
But there is something eerie about it, too. Your blood that ran through your body, got pumped by your heart, filtered by your liver, is now in someone else, running through their system. Part of you is inside someone else. Someone you bump into in the grocery store or drive by, maybe. How crazy weird is that? And whats more weird, what about getting a blood transfusion? I haven't received blood since I was a wee baby and needed it to save my life, but I can imagine it must be weird. Someone elses blood running through my veins? Weird!
I hold blood all the time in the hospital when I go to pick up blood bags from the lab, ready for infusion to the patient. Its weird, holding it, just looking at it. A bag of blood that was in someone's body- is now freezing cold and in your hands, in a bag, ready to go into another body.
Isn't it fascinating how the world works that way? How we figured out once upon a time that we could do that?
In the army medical bases, where blood supplies are limited at times due to very high trauma, they already have all acceptable donors in service on call and their blood types. In an extreme shortage, everyone is called to donate to help save the very people that are fighting alongside of them. How fascinating is that? That, to me, puts a whole new meaning into brotherhood. Everyone, working collectively together, to help save those beside them. Donating your blood so it can go into your friend in need in a few minutes...I would love to see that comradery and be in that environment. Maybe one day.
Ta ta for now, off to work in the hospital for the rest of the night....woo!
PS- Yesterday, I donated. And all day I felt more awake and less-tired than I have in a long time. How does that work? Isn't that the exact opposite of what is supposed to happen? Sometimes I swear my body does the exact opposite of what its supposed to, most days.
PSS- Sign up to donate today. It doesn't hurt (much). You get cookies after. And sometimes Ritas. And juice. and get to watch movies. And they spoil you. :) Save a life. Save your own.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Drawing helps, it gets my mind away from me. It takes me somewhere else.....when you are able to focus on something like that, whether it be drawing, or playing some sort of video game, or....running, or walking, or painting or whatever, when you can be awake and yet let your mind "take a break" from yourself, from your thoughts, its sort of free to do what it wants. Its like accessing the dream state while awake. Although I am in my present self focusing on my drawing, my mind is a thousand miles away. And then I re-focus and my drawing is 75% done! Nice :) So thats what drawing does for me. Thats what reading does. Thats what writing does. Thats what music does.
Right now, in this present moment, I would really just love to be here:
|Bryant Park, New York City |
This place, right here.....this place is magical. Everyone who has been there, knows it. Definitely makes my "top five" favorite places...and I've been to Europe.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
-From the movie, Waitress.
One of my favorite quotes of all time.
Going through a pretty strange...time? Took down my "wall" finally. It was time. I did it at first to make room to hang my latest project, and then I slowly started to realize a lot of what was up didn't mean anything to me anymore. Like, I thought it did, but that was a long time ago. It doesn't actually hold any true meaning anymore and its time to let go.
I am normally pretty much of an emotional ratpacker (is that the word?). I like to save things, weird small things, that hold a little memory or meaning and I hate to ever let go. But then I go through these weird emotional (short-lived) phases where its okay to let go of these things. I know in myself that just because you throw something away, doesn't mean its gone from your heart. I threw maybe five or six meaningless things away and kept the rest, hidden in its own little folder in my drawer, tucked away for discovery on a rainy day 11 years from now. I love those discovery days.
So, the wall is gone...the epic wall of my creative psychoticness. Now, room for pictures of Europe and new things. Almost time to move out, soon.......One step closer now.
I was thinking about it this morning, how much it sucks being lactose intolerant (most days) and how one of the worst parts about it is not having someone that knows what you're talking about and can complain too. When you meet another lactose intolerant, they just get you automatically with just that one sentence. Automatic friendship.
So I was thinking this morning, I wonder if there is some sort of huge website where lactose intolerants all over the U.S./World can meet and talk to each other? There's gotta be, right?
Well if there is, I can't find one. And google can't find one either.
So I want to make one. Except I have *no idea* how to design a website other than this blog, which is all guided simpfully by blogger.
This website is going to have lots of forums on all different topics...its going to have advice (I don't know where I'll be getting this advice from....), books to read about LI, articles that I find or other people find, maybe a blog on it where anyone can post....and maybe a dating site portion of it where LI's can meet other LI'ers. That would be nice :)
Sometimes I think I try and convert people just so I can have someone to go through the lifestyle with. Like, I meet someone new and I'm all like, "Oh, you have a stomachache? I bet you're lactose intolerant." "Oh, that headache....hmm, have you had any milk to drink today?" "Oh, can't think clearly? Feeling a little fuzzy? You probably have an intolerance to milk...and cheese, and other dairy....stuff. Like me. *smile*" "Here, try my dairy free ice cream! Its sooooo good. If you like this, you might like ALL dairy free stuff! woot!"
Occasionally I get someone but then they soon realize they probably aren't LI. *sigh*
So, any website designers out there drastically bored? Like, dramatically bored? Because its going to take a lot of work. Probably. I think. Yes. It will.
OK I have to continue studying for my "Mission Impossible: NCLEX" now, but look forward to a really interesting Nursing blog tonight.....I know, boring, but I promise to make it read-worthy.
PS- If a website like this DOES EXIST, please do me a favor and direct me to it? I would give you a cookie! (A dairy free one, though...you know, to help convert you).
PSS- Is intolerant even a word? Spell checker seems to think not. I think it is.
Monday, July 18, 2011
So update on my life....
I got an NCLEX date! Scary business right there. I have exactly one month, starting tomorrow, to study like I have never studied before to pass this test. Failing *is not* an option, as I am already scheduled for work orientation soon after the test! Ah!
Anyway, Saturday me and some new (and old) cool friends went for a hike up, and down, and up and back down, this hiking trail out in PA- "Hawk Mountain". Needless to say, "trail" was an understatement--It was seriously intense! Most of it was figuring out the best way not to die, jumping from rocks to rocks.....but it was the most fun I've had in a long, long time. Seriously needed. Funny how unexpected moments creep up on you like that. It was breathtaking, working so hard to climb up to the top of a mountain, and then to see the view....it was just incredible. To just turn off your phone, eat lunch on a rock overlooking miles and miles, listen to nature.....
I used to be the kid that when we went hiking as a family, I wanted to take the hard routes. I wanted to climb over all the rocks. I wanted to go in the caves. I wanted to be in the lead and find the pathways. Well, since then my most epic hiking has been stuck with the local reservoir which is mostly all a laid out pathway around a lake reservoir thing. But this....this was what I missed. Seeing a rock ledge above you and its just you, your friends, your sneakers, your strength, your brain, your judgement, your depth perception....its all you. It was a good, well spent day. :-)
Anyway- about my stranggeeeeeeeee title, I read an excerpt in "psychology today" (favoritist magazine ever) about this new book, "Don't kill the Birthday Girl" by Sandra Beasley.
The excerpt was page turning from the very first word. It instantly caught my attention. What is it about? Me. Well, not me me, but my life. She has it a LOT worse, a LOT WORSE than I ever have or will, but I know exactly what she is talking about. This is a memoir written by a girl not much older than me that has lived her whole life trying to survive despite multiple severe food allergies. She has what is a true "allergy" (i.e. anaphylactic reaction). I only have one true allergy- (peanuts), the rest are all inconvenient "intolerances". So in the excerpt I read she talked about dating in particular and how frustrating it is to expect a guy to ever, ever want to live, date, and take care, or marry someone like this. Beasley quotes, "There is a world of difference between having someone care about you and forcing him to be your caretaker." So true. She talks of how she has to hide who she really is on dates, and how she has to be the annoying girl fighting with waiters at restaurants instead of just eating normally (I totally get that) and how she even hid a complete anaphylactic reaction on a date until she walked him home, and then she called 911 on the street! Crazy.
Beasley quotes, "Forty minutes passed by in a blur as I tried to keep the date going, pushing hummus around my plate as my body shut down." I've been there. Many, many times. It sucks.
A lot of times I find other people find my many food problems more annoying than I do. I'm used to it. I can find plenty of things to eat still. My closer friends get it, and put up with it. Its my family and new friends that I meet that find it annoying. People worry about me, "Well if we go here, can you eat anything?" The answer is yes, I will find something. If I cant, its not a big deal, you know? Life goes on!
I've blogged about this frustration before, but it sucks having to explain to new people that yes, I'm allergic to that, and no-I can't eat that that you just made for me-and yes, I'm allergic to that too, actually, and no-I'm not kidding, I can't eat that either. And by then all hope is gone of a nice relationship. It sucks denying food people made for you or are offering you because it has a shred of milk in it.
So I totally get where this girl is coming from. I get how hard her life is. She has it a lot worse than I do but I still get her 100%. Needless to say, I bought the book off Amazon 2 days after it was released to the public. So I am really excited to read the rest of this book and find out some of her ways to cope with these allergies. Like I said, I'm OK with it. I just need pointers on how to get others to be OK with it.
Well, this tiredlittlebean should probably get to bed. Tomorrow marks day one of intense, hardcore, no mercy, NCLEX studying. :-\ I need to find the will to just sit at a table all day and do it.....Endless amounts of tea at b&n, thats how :-)
~A Writer in a Nurses Body
PS- Here is a video the author made for the book:
Friday, July 15, 2011
Instead, there was something new, something I've never seen before. At first I thought they were all "baby seashells" (I never got a degree in biology, OK?) Because thats really what they looked like. Miniature seashells, millions of them. They washed in and out, up and down with the shore waves.
As I observed them closer, I realized they weren't just seashells. They were moving. In fact, they were making a conscious effort to burrow themselves in the sand. My first thought process was that they weren't moving--It was the sand enveloping them just as it sinks my feet. But I still thought it was unique how pretty these miniature creatures were and that I had never seen them. I bent down to get a closer look at them, and realized that when the wave receded, they were all sticking out some sort of gooey white "tongue". Me having the curiosity of a five year old, I have to touch everything. So, despite the fact that I am terrified of the ocean because of strange creatures below me, I deemed this creature no longer unfamiliar and we were now friends, and it was OK and not-terrifying to touch it. So, I touched it.
As soon as you touch one, they sense this and, like a turtle almost, curl their tongue-y thing quickly back into their shells. Now, this was curious!
So before I further continued to discover more about them, I had a lot of fun touching as many as I could and making them hide in their shells. In hindsight this sounds mean, but it totally wasn't. I don't think. OK maybe it was. But it seemed all in good fun at the time. And you know, learning. Learrrnnnnninnggggg.
Anyway, I continued on my learning journey. When a new wave came in and brought an entire fresh new batch, I put my hand in the sand to barricade a couple from returning back to sea, and picked a whole batch up in my hand. I felt it curious that I could actually feel them burrowing into the sand that was in my hand! How fascinating! But due to my eebyjeebyness I put them down soon enough because honestly I don't fancy things moving in my hand. But it was cool.
So that was day one. But I still didn't know what they were. I got home that day and googled such things as,
- baby seashells
- Baby seashells at jersey
- baby seashells that move
- baby seashells that move in jersey
- seashells that dig in sand....in jersey.
Clearly, I wasn't getting anywhere, and It was time to run off to the nightly activities, so I gave up on my research quest.
I spent most of the rest of the week picking them up and putting them back down and learning as much about them visually as I could, until I could no longer stand it. I had to know what they were. I felt as if I was discovering a whole new species. I could be like.....a species-discoverer. They have jobs for that, you know.
So thanks to the awesomeness of Facebook, i was able to video record these guys and post it on facebook, and my handy biology friend was able to identify, and teach me a lot about, these little guys instantly! The Coquina Clam!
So here's what they are all about:
- Live coquinas are often exposed by retreating waves on sandy oceanic beaches and seem to be more active in the warmer months.
- The prevalence of coquina clams in this habitat makes it an excellent indicator of the health of this ecosystem. (Yay! Jersey is healthy! Thats weird....)
- Most commonly found on South Carolina Beaches, but can range frequently anywhere on the East Coast to Texas.
- They burrow themselves like that in order to survive death by seagull or too strong of a wave, or ocean life.
Here was my video:
*Okay video is NOT working* But I am working on it. In the meantime, here are some pictures:
But then as the days in the week went by, the more I spent with them on my mile long walks on the beach just watching these adorable guys
Here was millions and millions and millions of these little clams...trying so hard to survive. They burrow themselves in the sand like that in a desperate attempt, at each wave just to survive. At each wave, they work so hard to hide themselves from seagulls and other predators. They have to do this for their entire life. Eat plankton and hide from seagulls. And here was the human race, running, surfing, walking, boogie boarding on top of them without even noticing how hard they are just trying to survive.
But really...it truly is fascinating how complex and diverse this planet is. Here is this miniature oceanic creature, working in and day out to survive, to eat and be eaten, every day, and then there is the human race....kind of symbolically doing the same thing, right? What are we really here for anyway, when you think about it? We eat, work, sleep for 100 years and then we die. We hide. We try everyday to survive. Our heart pumps 60-90 beats per minute every day to help us survive, just as this clam works to survive at every wave. What is it all for?
Sorry I went all philosophically crazy....I guess sitting on the beach in the waves for a week staring at the water does that to you, perhaps? Its great reflection time. I really enjoyed discovering this new species and learning so much about them. They were fun to hold and then release. Oh, what an interesting planet we inhabit.....there is so, so, so, so, SO MUCH, more out there on this very planet than the human race, and I hate that humans forget this, sometimes. Sometimes we go all egocentric and think the world is all about us, and the world revolves around us and for us and we forget that our problems are insignificant, really. We are merely just one of a billion species sharing this earth, together. I am certainly no tree hugger activist or "save all the animals" type girl, but I am the type of person that wishes they could just SAY to some selfish egocentric people that the world is not all about them. There is so much more, if you just open your eyes and stop talking and just.........observe.
Peace out, homies. ;)
~A Writer in a Nurse's Body
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
So....with me, she started out by saying I will live til mid-eighties which in her opinion was "Too long" (Um.......okay?). Then she mumbled something about having a long road of college (five years too many) and something about a "far bridge" to the next bout of college....(okay....).
As for my profession, I will be doing something that involves a lot of counseling. Because I am an "old soul", I will do this via volunteer work because I like to "give my services away". So apparently I will be doing a lot of counseling which is comical because most days I am a horrid advice giver. My paid profession however, is apparently teaching, which is extremely comical because I am also a horrid teacher. When she asked what I'll actually be doing, (and I said nursing), she said that yes, this makes sense being that I am an "old soul" but that-eventually-teaching and counseling will tie heavily into my nursing genre degreeness. So....erm....we shall see.
Also, I am apparently medically very healthy. ...... I'm not even going to go there. Ha.
As for love life, apparently I have met "all the wrong boys" so far and my soulmate is right around the corner, if not here already "as in, today or tomorrow", lol. So, we'll see about that! And apparently I will be married once, and it will be a long and happy marriage. I will have three kids, a boy in the middle of two girls (awesome).
So......um, interesting? Good times, thats for sure. And probably a good laugh. But you never, never know! At least now I have it in writing and can look at this in 20 years and probably burst out laughing. Or...be really creeped out! Hmm.
But anyway...Seeing the Harry Potter 7 premiere tomorrow night....the last one :-( A big emotional change world-wide will happen after this movie is done playing. All those people at one time being so sad.......that its actually all over, boy-.....thats going to be a dementor kiss! Ha...Anyway, going to bed now. Need my rest for a long/fun day tomorrow!
~A Writer in a Nurses Body
Some Lovely pictures to enjoy from beaching around today:
|This was some sort of US Olympic team of sorts practicing for some sport that is unknown to me. Sorry really nice athletes I do not know your sport :-( But A storm was rolling in so they weren't really sporting it anymore anyway.|
|I couldn't resist buying this adorable "PS I LOVE YOU" Sign....for personal reasons :)|
|Just. Adorable. In a little antiques shoppe!|
|The title of this photograph is, "Friendship" :-) See why?|
|My seagull model was SO patient with me.|
|seriously though....is this real life?|
|Pulling in before the storm|
|This so describes me....especially this week.|
|I think this approximately 293,299,991 times a day.|
|Favorite little......block thing....EVER. |
Night! Or...Day! Wherever/whenever you read this! Cheers!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
I Just finished the book, "One Day" which is the novel I bought in Paris and will actually be a movie, soon! A good movie! The book was astounding, very funny, and just my type. Just my type of characters and form of dialogue. Just adorable. Here is the trailer for the movie, I can't wait to see it!
So, thats lovely. :-) Now just to start studying for my NCLEX now...
Have you ever quit something? Something that was bad for you? But then you really, really missed it but didn't even know why you missed it? Maybe you just missed the memories, or the package of what came with it, but did you actually miss...it? And then....just when you have reached your breaking point--you find a new "it". And then you realize, with all this happiness your new "it" brings, you realize how unhappy you were with the old? That you have spent the past year longing and missing something that wasn't actually there anymore, in the old place, but you had to start looking anew for it. Stuff that you were previously yelled at for or things that you did that others found annoying......well, now they are graciously accepted, cherished and found to be funny. New people join you in these activities because you have them in common, instead of being hated for it. Quirks that you always knew you had that you thought no one else in the world also shared--suddenly you find in new people and you can laugh about it, together. Are you following at all? Am I making any sense? No? Right then.
I am happy :-)
(A Russian & A Britian) <3 :-)
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Just because something is organic and "all natural"does NOT *automatically* mean that it is good for you. It still could be organic and all natural ingredients and STILL HAVE 10 grams of fat and 1700mg of sodium, 36 g Carbs, 28 of them being sugar, no protein, no fiber, and 1800 calories. All for about "6oz" of chips. But its okay because they are all natural.
And thats another thing. Who the F knows how much 6 OUNCES is? Do I have a scale in my hand when I'm eating? No. Do I eat a certain amount of chips or popcorn and think.....hmmm...I think I just about have had my serving size. How do you know? Because you had approximately 6 oz?
If the nutritional label is not willing to tell you approximately how many chips they mean by their suggested serving size, then be wary. Its a huge marketing tool to say something only has 2 g of fat.......but for 1 chip!
READ. YOUR. LABELS. FOLKS.
I am approximately 98% of the time, a healthy eater. But Im not insane about it. I don't eat lettuce all day. In fact, I really don't fancy lettuce. I don't fancy legumes and lima beans and blahblah because its the new health food. No. I'm a realistic healthy eater. I read labels. I understand them. I eat in moderation. I don't eat junk food. I don't eat fast food. I eat carbohydrates in moderation and chicken and eggs for my protein, and I make sure to throw in some veggies and fruit in there but i don't go crazyomania about it. There are times I would rather buy a bag of Good ol' "Lays" Potato Chips, because they are actually healthier and more "Natural" than some of the marketed "healthy chips". You have to be careful. Sometimes they fortify these "healthy" and "low fat" products with shit you really, really don't want nor need.
Would any of you be interested in a mini nutritional label reading lesson? Anyone? Probably not. Well if you are, I would post one. Comment on this requesting it if you do!
And my last grocery store humor of the day, at checkout.
$52.89- Swipe your debit Card. Cash Back? Yes, I would love some, but don't want to pay for it. Is the Amount OK? NO its not OKAYYYY but its CORRECT.
For some reason, he was perfectly content with finding it necessary to scream for no apparent reason...all the time.
However, simple, short & sweet conversation was, to some extent, still possible.
So today I'm taking vitals on everyone on my floor. I had a full house on my side, so I was pretty busy. He was my last room to stop in, but when I drove my little cart by, he was....you guessed it--screaming. So yay me- decided I might as well go in then and do his vitals and then hopefully tuck him in and he can sleep.
Well, I talk to him, announce I will be doing his vitals and accucheck, and he responds with telling me he peed. All over the bed.
Fantastic! Awesome. Truly, truly great. So I go ahead and get everything I need to get him back to a dry state. Well, since I was alone, and he wasn't too interested in helping me, It was up to me to roll him on his side by myself. However, with every little ounce that I moved him, regardless of if it was to roll over or to simply pick his hand up, he screamed. I had the door closed for his privacy but I was beginning to wonder if people outside would falsely wonder if I was abusing him since he was screaming so much! But, I figured- the actual abuse would be if I let him sit in his pee, right? So I kept changing him, despite the hollering. And the hollering truly didn't make any sense. I would ask him what was wrong and he would just look at me.
So eventually I finished. Barely. I did his vitals. Accucheck. Tucked him in his newly dry sheets. I said goodnight. I turned to leave the room, and I hear....
"I should scream louder."
yes. Yes, that is a fantastic idea. Because I'm pretty sure the next wing over can't yet hear you but if you keep screaming, maybe, just maybe- they might be able to.
And the best part is I have other patients. I am in one of the other rooms at another point, and she tells me, "Oh-I like this hospital a lot, I mean- You guys are great. But there is this poor old man screaming across the hall and that is just not right. I mean I'm sure you go and help him but why are other people just letting him scream? Shouldn't people be helping him? Does he need help? Are you guys just letting him suffer? That is just not right."
I just sort of stared at her and politely explained that yes, we are in fact taking very good care of him but actually, in fact, he really just fancies screaming if we go so as far to prick his finger for an accucheck reading.
Its the nursing life.
Taken from This Funny Place.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Previously, the best summer of my life clocked in around 2006, after I graduated high school. My circle of friends had just really started to "form" naturally just before we graduated, so that entire summer was spent nearly every day with each other, (about 5-6 of us) just getting to know every little bit of each other. It was the summer before we all left for college, and we were all just bursting with happiness. Every day felt like a good day to hang out, no matter what. We were 18 and just....free.
I have had good moments, good days, good months since--but have always been searching to get that summer back, that feeling of freedom, happiness and energy. Well, 5 years later- Its totally here.
I have been blessed with seeing so many friends! Although the original friends from 2006 all split off and are doing their own thing, we all still talk and catch up once in awhile-which is wonderful. But- the true blessing is making new friends! Turning people from your past that you barely knew into your best friend tomorrow. I have been doing so many fun things with so many different people-- seeing so many different things, new experiences.... The most important thing is that I have been laughing so much! I love to laugh. What more could I ever ask for?
I guess the only thing I could actually ask for now is to pass my NCLEX coming........*sigh*. I should probably devote some time to that, eh? Yessum.
Signing off for now- Working all day today and then....ready for it......Jersey Shore all week, starting tomorrow! I'll be sure to share lots of beach pictures!
~ A (HAPPY) Writer in a Nurse's Body
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
I left off last with going to Philadelphia to see the 4th of July fireworks! We did it for my college roommate (and best college friend ever)'s birthday celebration. Since I live under a VERY LARGE rock and don't know about obvious things other people commonly know about, I didn't even know Philly did something so big- Which really makes me laugh now because Philadelphia is sort of like the birthplace of our nation- so it only makes sense that they put on a firework show when the rest of the country is too. Sorry for that run-on sentence. But point was that this was very special for my roommate to see the fireworks--it's something she's always wanted to do!
Anyway, so here's what went down:
My parents dropped me off (fabulous) in the middle of Philly because all the surrounding streets where the festival was were all closed. So I got out and just walked to where my friends were. Now,
But thanks to my experiences in Europe....walking around
So the rest of the night was composed of concerts, sitting on pavement in a circle playing games, telling "one word" stories to pass time, Polly pepper, and eventually the fireworks! (at 11).
They ran for about 30 minutes. It was crowded. So, so crowded. Shoulder-to-shoulder crowded! About halfway through, we heard these two very LOUD "bangs" behind us. Now, I have never heard a gunshot in my presence (I consider myself blessed for this), Just on TV. So I couldn't actually say, but in my opinion it didn't sound like gunshots. I pictured gunshots to sound piercing, louder, and....i don't know....sharp. These sounds were low pitched, hollow almost. Regardless- I'm pretty naive and can't base my sound-knowledge on TV only. As soon as I heard the "shots" I thought to myself, This is a really bad place (or a good place if thats what youre trying to do) to shoot people.... so many people could die here. And besides the extreme loudness in terms of proximity, the shots would easily blend in with the booming of the fireworks above.
About ten seconds later, people around us start screaming, and running.
My first thought- no lie- was that I had no cellular reception (since there were too many people there), and wouldn't be able to tell my parents I was OK, if I made it. My obvious assumption was that those two noises were guns, as did a couple others, obviously. So-in adrenalineness-I latched on to two of my friends around me, wary of where some of the others were- and we ran a short distance away where we could further assess the situation. At that point the crowd had calmed down some, people stopped running and there did not appear to be any apparent danger. So being that the fireworks were so special and were still not over- we went back into the crowd to finish watching.
My adrenaline was still coursing through though, of course. As you know, it doesn't just stop, even if danger threat is over. It takes awhile.
But the most important part of that moment was the realization of how terrifying a gun is. I knew prior how dangerous they are, but never actually found myself in a situation where one was involved. In my head, I reviewed common nursing gunshot wound care (I know, dorky), and basic training
But it made me feel so vulnerable. I can fix wounds. You can heal from wounds. Scrapes, bruises, hits, you can all heal from. Even a stab wound. At least with a stab wound, you would have to be specifically targeted. Someone that you pissed off has to be specifically close enough to you and really mad at you. But a gun? A gun can be an accident, its easy to mis-target. Unless you are being hunted down by the SWAT team. Its so easy to be in the exact wrong place, wrong time. There are a lot of stupid people out there with guns that can't aim. Its a lot harder to heal from a gunshot. With a gunshot, its a lot harder to help yourself (if you're conscious). You have to depend on other people around you to care enough to help you instead of run like hell. Which you know, is kinda scary.
So I pulled my over-top shirt around me tighter, as if it were some sort of bullet proof vest. I felt so jumpy in my skin, so vulnerable, so....unprotected. So little, so weak. THe possible "shooter"(s)could be anywhere, at any different direction and could be targeting anyone or any type of race/group/gender/etc.
Eventually we overheard from a lot of people on the streets that the sounds were M-80's and set off by teenagers in the middle of the crowd (stupid), and that is what caused people to run and scream, which caused lots of other people to wrongly assume what it was, and run and scream even more.
But pretending as if it were actually a gun....I was in such disbelief. Despite being in New York City all the time, and going/living in a school thats five minutes from Trenton, NJ, and being in many other "dangerous" types of situations (including a shooter being on my campus once and my high school receiving more than 10 bomb threats a month) , I had never, ever been in that much danger at once. I couldn't believe that me, little me from farmville, NJ had found myself in the middle of a crowd that was being shot at?
It was definitely a life-experience though, even if it wasn't actually a gun. I plan to use that moment of complete terror in my writing, particularly in my novel i'm writing right now. Even if it wasn't real, i thought it was at the time, and will use the thoughts in my head i had in my writing. Its amazing how everything truly slows down when you're "on" adrenaline. You remember everything. You feel as if you could run four miles and be fine. Lift up your friend next to you. Do anything as long as it means survival. You see things better, hear things better, do things faster. Reflexes are sharper. Its fascinating! I love an adrenaline rush, but certainly don't favor finding myself in that kind of rush again.
Well, after that was all over and done with, we were safely back in our friend's apartment. Even though it is highly-not-recommended and not in any way a good idea for me to stay up late, we ended up staying up all night. Not intentionally, of course. But we sat up talking for so long that by the time we decided to turn off the lights, we realized the sun was rising. Had to go see that! So of course, we climbed up to the roof and watched it and kept talking, and watched the city wake up at 6 am.
So, even though I am a goody-two -shoes and don't typically do things like fight gunmen, drink more than I should have, climb to rooftops, and stay up all night, It was extremely fun, so-European-and SO mid-twenties! I have to do things like this, once in a while. Its like some sort of rite-of-passage for being a twentysomething. But overall, we laughed SO SO MUCH, which I needed SO SO MUCH, and talked and talked and talked, and just had a good time. It was really nice.
Well I have officially typed way longer than you will ever want to read, so my apologies. The good news is some interesting life lessons were learned (learnt?) and that is what matters. Cheers to being 23!
Sunday, July 3, 2011
I had a lot of panic attacks. My panic attacks are unnoticeable...as in unless you really, really, really, really REALLY know me, you don't notice they are happening to me. I honestly don't think my ex-boyfriend whom I dated for almost 4 years could notice, and he is always able to tell when I have a headache or stomachache. I don't even think my parents could tell. So I keep it very hidden. I don't have obvious symptoms (i.e. short of breath, rapid pulse, sweating) but instead I feel it in my stomach and I feel like my entire world is collapsing around me and that I am unprotected and vulnerable. Sometimes they can be 10 seconds to a couple of minutes and usually the only cure is to be alone for a couple of minutes, or if that is not possible then I usually just quiet down and sort of "give myself a hug" (i.e. just wrap my arms around my stomach so that I cover that sense of feeling "unprotected"). OK but enough about that. Point is, I usually only get them a couple times a month and extremely sporadically. But this weekend I was having a couple a day. Not sure why....My longest one was Saturday morning, after breakfast, before seeing anyone really--And before going to the service--it just came over me. I immediately excused myself, came back to our hotel room and just hid underneath my covers...in my nice dress....I mean really- Who does that? Me, I guess. Not often though, I promise.
Anyway, the memorial service was really excellent. I am usually not an emotional person, by any means. I used to be proud of myself that I could be in very traumatic situations and not shed a tear....it just literally wouldnt happen. No tears. I guess now I realize I just never had anything to cry about, til now. Now, being 23, I friggen cry in movies. WTF is that?
But honestly, I had already shed my tears for my grandmother. Don't get me wrong- I was still very sad and still in disbelief- but what made me actually cry was seeing everybody else cry. My rocks...my aunts and uncles. My mom. I don't like to cry in front of people because I can't just shed a tear. If I am going to cry, I am going to bawl. So I didn't want to bawl. So I kept telling myself to just play it cool, play it cool, don't cry....but, I did. Seeing everyone else cry is really what did it.
Other than that, though, there was never another cry-moment. The rest of the weekend was spent with my amazing crazy family, and it really was just like that dream I had, sort of a premonition of how the weekend was going to go. We talked about grandma, we laughed, we told stories, we shared pictures, we felt her there with us, too.
But what I learned most of all, is something I should have realized long ago and what will ring true with me for the rest of my life. Just as I did realize in my dream, my grandma (in the dream) was healthy again. In real life, before passing, she was extremely not-healthy and her quality of life was rapidly decreasing. She could no longer do some of her favorite activities. But in the dream she was back in full health, full laughter....playing games with everyone.
Well, through talking with family, they helped me come to realize that my grandmother is happy right now. We joked around that by now she is organizing some sort of big event in heaven, she has already joined a choir to sing in and play her accordion, she has met up with people from her past, she has made wrong things right, and most of all, she feels healthy again. And she will always be looking down on us. So I don't worry about her, I am not sad anymore. I am happy for her. She got her happiness back. And she will be around to visit us all on occasions :-)
My cousins are growing at an extreme rapid rate....like almost non-human! Its quite comical because after me, 23, the next 'group' is my sisters 'group', composed of 2 18 year olds, a 17 year old, and a 15 year old. For the past ten years it has been a constant struggle.... Do I sit with the adults? Do I sit with the kids? But this year I found it much more widely entertaining to stick with the "kids", except they're not kids anymore! They are going to college! Crazy to think about when you remember them being born.
My cousins from Florida, I see them grow up on Facebook, but its not the same as seeing them in person. And I haven't seen them in person in about 3 years or so...So last time I checked, they were still young teenagers. Well, this weekend they were mature, gorgeous, amazing kids *mini adults* and it was such a treasure to see them like so. One of my younger cousins, only 10, asked me what I was drinking today. I told him, wine. He says......"Are you old enough to drink wine?" And I said, "yes, I'm 23." Needless to say, he did not believe me! I guess everyone is growing at an alarming rate. I can't even believe i'm 23, actually. What kind of age is 23, anyway?
Well....time to hit it. Tomorrow is our epic 10 hour drive back home and I am lucky enough to be dropped off 3/4 of the way through to spend a fabulous night with my bestest college roommate EVER, and we will be seeing the Philadelphia fireworks on the fourth of July! So COOL! Im pretty sure it will come in second place after Amsterdam adventure in terms of best nights ever. I'll be sure to tell you all about its awesomeosity. :-)
Before I leave you, I will leave you with delightful pictures:
This is my sister getting her hair braided by her one cousin, and my other cousin in front of her. I call them the three musketeers :)
Goodnight all! Thanks for reading....
~A writer in a Nurses Body
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Friday, July 1, 2011
I think birds are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. In fact birds probably laugh at us all day as they watch from above.
Ah, and you thought that was melancholy chirping. :-)
Just a thought!
I personally do not see the point in being so fascinated with the 3D concept. We should not be wearing sunglasses in movie theater, that privilege belogs exclusively to being in Disney world.
I mean, I find it annoying when things come at me, actually. I find it perfectly acceptable and equally as entertaining when movie characters, swords, bees, monkeys, hands, baseballs, etc., stay inside of the screen, thank you very much.
I just saw a commercial for a PHONE I think by sprint to come out in 3D. Seriously? You really find extreme satisfaction in your phone leaping out it's contents to your face? I think that would just make me dizzy.
I think 3D is just silly. It sort of takes away the point of going to see a movie a little, isn't it? Movies are supposed to be 2D. Always have been. If you are trying so hard to make it seem more like reality and real life, why don't you just skip the movie and go play baseball and get an actual baseball thrown at your face? I take that any day than the optical illusion of a lion clawing my face out while I duck awkwardly with idiot blue and red sunglasses after paying $10 extra, ya?
What do you guys think? Are you pro 3D generation or do you think there is to much hype?