This Ain't Goodbye

"You and I were friends from outerspace, afraid to let go. The only two who understood this place..."


Okay. I'm not even sure where to begin, to be honest.

I lost a really great friend this past weekend. Saturday morning.

I think I'm still in the Denial stage of grief. Its just so hard to......grasp. To really say to yourself, She is gone. I'm not going to see her anymore on random at work. I won't see her smiling face anymore, hear her laugh. I'm not in denial that she passed away. I get that. I understand that. I'm in denial I won't see her anymore, I guess. Its just so hard to believe.

It happened fast. She became very sick very quickly and after all, we all knew death was imminent, as much as we all hoped she would pull through on the last minute and be fine. She was diagnosed with Cancer in June and we all imagined her pulling through the chemotherapy rounds and then eventually returning back to work one day. None of us knew, ever even thought, that it would end like it did. Maybe thats why its still so hard to believe. She was supposed to make it.


She was hired where I work (at the hospital), on my floor, the same job as me, exactly a month after I. I met her when I was 18, five years ago. At the time I was only working alternating weekends, so I could toggle my other job and school as well. Therefore, she was my "weekend buddy", the only employee I really got to know at first. We were both still so new and we learned the ropes together, we had a lot of laughs and a lot of learning. Eventually I quit my other job and picked up a lot more shifts at the hospital and eventually met a lot more people and became very good friends with a lot more of my coworkers. But Ann was the first.


She was way too young to die. Just over middle age, she was just starting to prepare for retirement and the major second half of her life. She was just recently dieting to be healthier...for some reason I can't get that out of my mind. Just a week or so before she was diagnosed I remember her asking for some time off to get some health check-ups done. She was fine, then. Or so we thought.


Life is always full of "I should haves".  If I had known that her being diagnosed with cancer and admitted to our hospital would end in her passing, I would have gone to visit more. I would have given her more hugs. I went to visit on occasion because I knew there would be more times to visit, a lifetimes worth. I was wrong.


The earth shattering thought of it all comes down to this....she was "fine", and then two months later, she is not with us anymore. She was dieting, she was planning for the future, she was taking care of her daughter and mother, she was living her life, she was working full time, she was fine.

It could happen to any of us. It could happen to any of us that we become sick, or any of us could die at any passing moment, and then what?  Just like that? It's just hard to wrap your mind around. I think everyone naturally plans on and counts on the fact that they will live til their elder years and then its okay to pass away. I certainly do. I can't imagine myself not making it to the elder years, but then again, who actually plans on not doing so? Life just catches us so off guard its unbelievable.

Upon her recent passing, all of us at work have been sharing our favorite memories of her. Memories she never would have imagined would be her last in our minds.

Some of my favorite include this one time when staffing was an absolute mess one day at work and everyone was pulled to all different floors. I got pulled first to our psychiatric unit for a 1:1. Me and Ann were supposed to split the 8 hours and switch at 7pm. Well, 7 pm came and sure enough, she came down, but not to relieve me. She sat down right across from me, and told me she had been called down herself to watch another patient next door. So we spent the next four hours, right next to eachother (that never happens on 1:1's, ever), just talking, catching up and getting to know more about one another.

Which got me thinking, if you or I died right now, what would peoples last memories be with you? Do you approve of those memories? What would you change?

What would you wish you could have done before you died?

For some reason, every time I come close to death myself (I make it sound like this happens a lot but its actually usually made up in my mind *hypochondriac*) I find myself thinking, "I can't die yet. I haven't written a book yet." A written book is the one thing I want this world to remember me by. So why aren't I writing it? I am fine, I am healthy, I am not dying anytime soon. I have all the time in the foreseeable, fortunate lucky world. So if it means that much to me to do before I die, why aren't I writing it? Why wait until its too late?

I guess we always just leave those things to another day because "life" gets in the way. Our kids, our jobs, our responsibilities, our groceries, our errands. Our bucket lists can wait on another day, another time to start that, because today you have to run errands.

Being in the healthcare field, I know how much she was suffering. She is no longer in pain now and had a very painful and traumatizing last month of her life, which no one should ever haver to go through. Being on the patient and nurse in my life so far, I know the dynamics and suffering of what she went through and I don't even know if I would be strong enough to do it myself. She was one of the strongest people I knew.

So, knowing that, my only prayer is that Ann got to do what meant the most to her in life. Got to spend life with people she loved most and loved her most. I guess thats all anyone can ask for, when it comes down to the bare necessities, right?


Well, one day we will meet again. I know she will be waiting for us with her classic smile, and Styrofoam cup of water with "Ann" written on the side. Until then.....


"But this ain't goodbye
This is just the way love goes
When words aren't warm enough to keep away the cold.
This ain't goodbye
It's not where our story ends"

Love you always, remember you forever. Rest in Peace, Ann. < 3

~ WNB



. song lyrics by Train, "This Ain't Goodbye"

Who do you Believe?

I hate scary movies. In fact, I make a point in life to specifically avoid all things scary. My version of "terrifying" is 'I am Legend' or 'The Sixth Sense' and anything past that, I have trouble even watching the trailer. After spending an entire childhood paranoid an ax-murderer is going to get me in my sleep and demons are chasing me up the stairs, and ghosts will be standing next to my bed when I wake up in the morning, and if I let down my hand off the bed a monster will eat it, and If i walk too close to a bed a hand will reach out and grab my foot, pull me under and eat me....you get the idea. I've finally gotten over all that (its about time) and i'm not about to retrogress back to that state of childhood paranoia. I remember having trouble sleeping as a very young child (under the age of 5 for sure) that someone was going to get into our house and my parents wouldn't be able to stop them and they were coming after me and there was no where I could hide. I mean, seriously, where does that even come from under the age of 5?  I should have just started with intense psychotherapy at that point and moved on.

Anyway, someone new in my life had the same childhood, terrified of all things scary. But then he learned to laugh at it, his mind learned to differentiate the movie world from reality, which I guess is what I have a hard time doing after scary movies   after all movies. So now, naturally, he loves scary movies, like 99% of guys out there. So he is determined to break my fear and slowly work me up to the scary as sh** movies like, "the hills have eyes", "the exorcist"...or....dare I say it..."paranormal activity".........*curls up in a ball*. I have my limits though- I refuse to do horror, aka people hurting other people...aka the SAW series. I will not ever do people with dismembered body limbs. Ghosts, yes, I can do that eventually, demons, sure bring it on, little girls coming out of wells? Absolutely, lets do it- teenagers with their heads spinning around? Awesome! But chopping limbs off in any manner and tearing guts out for fun? Never, ever. So thats where I am officially drawing my line.


ANYWAY, the point of this post....we are starting off small on this fear-breaking mission. Our first two are "SHutter Island" (which I actually have wanted to see) and "Zombieland" (this is more for a beginning comic relief than anything else).

I have kind of always been very intrigued to see Shutter Island. I knew kind of what it was about (psychiatric patients, the worst of the worst) and boy oh boy- I do that every day at work, so I wanted to see that aspect of the movie. But did things jump out at you? Was there exceptionally scary moments? I didn't want to take that chance, so I never saw it on my own. Until yesterday.

And it turns out....it wasn't scary at all! It was actually an amazing movie. It had a couple jumpy moments, but something is wrong with my reflexes lately....the jumpy moments happen and my brain reacts fast enough to tell my body there is no need to jump out of my skin like a lunatic. This comes in handy when my idiotic GPS consistently unexpectedly falls off my windshield in my lap when I'm going 70mph and I don't even flinch and inch.

But the movie is one of those that really get you thinking....Leo Dicaprio must have a thing for doing those, lol. But especially with my experience working with psychiatric patients, the really made me think more so than the average movie-watcher.

Since I don't think I can properly discuss what I'm about to discuss without spoiling the movie, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER if you haven't seen the movie and DO plan to, one day! PLEASE DO NOT KEEP READING, because it will ruin the whole movie for you!

Okay. So the movie ends and you're like.....what? I have to see the whole thing over again to fully grasp what the heck just happened in the last two hours. The whole first 3/4 of the movie, you (the audience) firmly believes that Leo is a cop, sent to this psychiatric island to help solve a missing patient-case. About half way through we learn that he has to get off this island immediately, before they find a way to claim him as psychiatric and keep him on the island forever, doing experiments on his brain like the rest of the crazies he meets. So the whole first 3/4 you are rooting for this character, you are worried about him and you want him to get off the island successfully before they "get him". Then the plot starts to unravel and you see how the island is starting to make him go crazy, he starts to hallucinate, have intense dreams, tremors, odd flashbacks, PTSD, etc. But the audience is still under the belief that he is a cop and this is unfortunately happening to him, the island is bad and the island is winning. Then you, the audience , start doubting who to believe at all. Leo gives such a remarkable stunning performance that leads you down the rabbit hole, and all the sudden you find yourself rooting for not only (now insane) Leo, but for all  the psychiatric patients he meets, and you start really believing what they have to say, rather than the common sense coming from the island officials. You start becoming paranoid (like a psychiatric patient would) that all the things these employees are saying, no matter how helpful and genuine, is fake. Nothing is real, they are all there to hurt you. Leo brings you to the psychiatric world with such reality, you start to believe everything Leo believes.


Eventually, they make him so crazy that eventually he believes it himself. You, the audience, start to wonder, wait- who do I believe? Did the island make him crazy or was he crazy all along? Suddenly you realize- he is the one thats been crazy all along and you have totally just been mindf*cked by Martin Scorsese. In fact, he is the most dangerous, delusional patient on the island and somehow everything you thought you believed is now not true and you have to go see the movie again. It is unbelievable.


But it really got me thinking....there is this one scene in the movie that really, really made so much sense to me. For those of you that are still reading and have seen the movie, its the cave-scene where he is talking to Dr. Rachel. Rachel brings up the very valid point that....who deems someone crazy? If those island officials wanted to keep you on the island and make you seem completely insane, they totally could. Its easy to do. And once you are declared insane, no one ever trusts you or believes anything you have to say, ever again, no matter how valid. Employees that work with psychiatric patients don't believe you, they nod & smile because they don't want to believe you. Part of them doesn't want to be caught swept under down the rabbit hole. Who to trust, who is right, who do you believe? If something a psych patient says makes sense, you suddenly find yourself doubting your own sanity and you worry, which shouldn't happen, but it does. Its unfortunate- the lives that even the mildly insane live. Even if you spend a week in a psych unit for a minor breakdown, your reputation is forever tainted. Psychiatric patients all around the world are abused because who believes them if they come out and make allegations  anyway? Everything is just blamed on the insanity. Its horrific.

So thats my schpeel. All in all, it was one of the best movies I've ever seen. It hit especially home to me, as so much of it reminded me of my own job, and it really got me thinking not just about the movie but how I will forever see psych patients in a new way for the rest of my life. It will always be a constant struggle of not falling down the rabbit hole vs. trying to find some reality, reliability and validity in what your psychiatric patients tell you.  If a psychiatric patient tells you someone hit them, do you believe them or do you blame it on the insanity, delusion, and manipulation? Who do you believe?


If you read this far and didn't listen to me and didnt see the movie....first of all- I am mad at you, but second of all- go see it now. Or don't, because now you know the whole twist. SHouldn't have kept reading.....



~A writer in a Nurse's body

PS- Naturally, the preview twists the movie to make it seem a LOT scarier than it is. Funny how trailers work like that.


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I Assure You This is True

Falling in love, is just like being on PROzac. You smile for absolutely no reason, all the time. You are in a good mood, all the time. You suddenly feel like skipping and holding doors open for the elderly  and giving people money that need it and being extra  generous and happy  and spreading joy to everyone around you. For absolutely no prompt- all the sudden you feel like dancing and smiling like a lunatic while walking down the sidewalk. Kind of just like this :

When you think about it, this video could just as easily be an ad for any antidepressant. But its not. Its falling in love. And they got it down perfectly.


:-)


~WNB


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What I Learned from Disney

Hello everyone! So sorry I have been completely MIA! Things have been just absolutely a whirlwind of fun and insanity, mixed with no blogging time and also nothing to write about, all at the same time!

I have been *so blessed* enough to have had the opportunity to go to Disney World (the land of Magical magical magical memories) in Florida this past weekend, starting Friday and to just yesterday.

Disney is one of those places. When you travel far to get to Disney, you have that moment when you step into the parks and say, "Oh my goodness. I'm in Disney World. I'm in DISNEY WORLD!" and your happiness meter goes up a LOT. Its a similar feeling of disbelief that when you travel far to finally get to Europe, and you get off the airport in Europe for the first time and can't believe its actually happening.  I guess for people that have to get on a plane to get to Disney world, its something totally out of this world. Disney is usually a very planned vacation, with hotels, and reservations, and planning, so much planning, and so much money, and planning. I mean some families reserve a year in advance and buy the disney books and start planning. Because you need to plan. Without an official experienced tour guide, you can't just walk into Disney and "do it right" the first time.

So knowing all that.....to have just jumped on a plane, with the plane ticket bought 3 weeks in advance, to go to Disney for the weekend, was something so funly (new word) and magical and 20's and so impromptu, it was just so much fun!

But, as you all know, I must have a reflecting session. I always reflect on my life's many experiences, small or large and think about what they mean to me, my past and future. Or just what it all means in general to the rest of the world.


One thing I noticed that happened to be very funny and peculiar is that so many people have this amusing love for Tinker Bell! Its adorable. Like disney is magical, yes- And the shows they put on, incredible- but mid-show, when Tink shows up, the percentage of the audience that squeals, "It's Tink!!" Is very high. Don't get me wrong, Tink is adorable and loveable and so small but standing alongside all of the other characters, I think its interesting everyone squeals when she pops in for some fairy dust.

Disney has showed me, or rather reminded me that the human race still believes in magic. And it makes me smile every time. Even though I have seen the shows and ridden all the rides multiple times prior, I like to go do it all again simply to see kids faces for the first time when they see it. I love hearing the "MOM! ITS MICKEY! MICKEY IS HERE!" and the "Daddy, did you see Captain Hook!?" I love their faces when they know they just met *the* real Princess Belle, or the real Peter Pan. They waited their whole life for that and to them, they just met a friggen celebrity. Their faces are priceless.

Even the adults, too. I love nothing more than to hear the whole entire crowd, full of adults with kids on their shoulders, all synonymously sigh, "OOhh!" or "Ahhh!" When a magical moment happens in the epic famous "Wishes" or "Fantasmic" fireworks show is put on.

It also makes me happy when one of the better ride stops and everybody, adults and all, all clap for such a great ride. They Clap! They had such a good time that everybody claps! How cool is that!? It gives you that human connection, that special bonding, knowing that what you just experienced for the last 90 seconds and loved, everyone else loved it just as much as you and you shared that experience with strangers and you smile together, and continue on with your life. It's kind of magical.

There is something I have to say about video recording. I can't say much, because I am guilty of it myself and am not even sure why. I'm not even sure if its actually a problem or not, I have to think into the psychology of it all a bit first. When watching the parades and shows, I see millions of parents around me, all with their point and shoots and videorecorders, all videotaping the parades and shows. They aren't videotaping their kids faces when they see Mickey come out. They are taping Mickey come out. They are taping just the shows.

Which makes me think....Why do we, as humans, do this? My only thought is that we are so swept away in that magical moment that we think- I have to record this to watch again, and again, to relive it another time. But do we ever watch it again? Will your kids ever actually watch it again, or...is it better and more magical to keep stored in your memory only? Our memory morphs experiences to make them seem even better than they actually were. Wouldn't it make sense then, to leave it to our natural memory to record the experience, rather than let our videorecorders do it, that we may never even watch again? Also, if you are videorecording, you are either having a pretty hard time watching the realhardcopy, ten years later. But what I say is, if you feel you or your kids has lost that magical memory, go back again! Save up for another trip!

To conclude, I must share a funny moment with you. My friends and I went and did two of the drawing classes that are offered in Hollywood Studio's in the Disney Animation attraction. What the attraction is, is this studio classroom that holds about 30 people and an instructor with a projector of what he/she is drawing. They then guide you, based on what you can see on their screen, line by line (literally) on what to draw, step by step, to make a pretty good end product.

So the second drawing class we did, it was a surprise on what we were going to draw. As we started drawing each line, the instructor prompted us to keep guessing. Well all we had was a circle on the paper and kids were already shouting out random disney characters, without actually trying to guess. Then, we drew a little more lines on that circle (to start making the face) and it looked like this:

And when we had this, a little bitty voice from the audience shouts, "ITS A TENNIS BALL!" And let me tell you, the cast member instructor couldn't help from stopping her drawing, and bending over to laugh hysterically, along with the entire class. Her only response was, "Yes, Yes it is a tennis ball."  That went down into my top 50 funniest moments of my life. I couldn't tell you what any of the other funny moments are but If there were such a list, this would be in it.

If you are curious, this was our end product:

Eeyore :)

Well, that is all, folks. These next couple weeks....expect to not hear a whole bunch from me. I have three weeks (not even) to study for my *must not fail* test for my license...and time is running out rapidly. My days here on out will either be spent working, or studying. One more test to study for, All or Nothing. 4 years of college into this. fjljwlejfslfj.


Tootalooooo, with love,


~WNB


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