Quick Post

So today, I hit my total breaking point on approximately.....every aspect of my life. mental breakdown? Idk.

regardless, this includes still feeling like s***. So, based on the fact that I have FELT like crap and DONT want to feel like crap any longer and for Europe, I finally called in the professionals. I really want to see this Holistic NP about 45 min away from me. She has helped close friends and I know she can run the right tests....even if she isn't under my insurance and it will be expensive. But at this point, I will pay for health. I need to feel better. I need answers.

So I called, thinking it would be no problem.

Well, they are "booking appointments two months in advance. FS)(*)$#*. So, I was like....Crap. So She gave me an appt for June, after Europe of course, and put me on an extensive waiting list if there were any cancellations. Boo.

THEN, about fifteen minutes later  I got a call asking if this Thursday would work. Its conflicting with a lot of important things, but health takes top priority. So, yay!!! I really hope she can help. I have my fingers crossed so much it will take weeks to uncross them. :-(


Huge exam tomorrow. Not prepared. Freaking out. Probably a significant cause of me not feeling well. Oh well. If thats the case, I wont feel well again until....May? May 14th? Graduation?

If I Could...

Amongst all the superpowers out there available to all who are super, the superpower I want the most is to never have to be able to sleep. I could get so much work done. We spend like over half our lives sleeping. Being exhausted halts my workpace at like...9pm. And I sleep til 8-9 am. Thats 12 more hours of productive work. I hate feeling tired.

But, with this superpower, I could of course opt to sleep if I wanted to. It would be like a little light switch. Because sometimes I like to sleep. Ok, well, I love to sleep, i just hate having to sleep when I have other important things to do. But when you think about it, do I love to sleep because its a relief from being tired, or do I love to sleep just because? Because What else do I like about sleep other than it makes me less-tired? The comfy bed? because I can get that when I'm awake, too. An escape from reality? I guess I would miss having that. And I think I would miss the dream-world most of all.

I think there is a blog post of mine already out there about this exact same thing but that only exemplifies the fact of how much I want this superpower.

If you happen to be a genie out there reading this, don't grant me this until we talk a little first. I have to make some ramifications so that I work through all the loopholes.

:-)

teehee.

~WNB.

PS_ No really though, wouldn't it be awesome?

The Frustrating Cycle of Doctorness

So here's how it goes...

I have "phases" or "bad days" of feeling really sick....It all hits at once. Sometimes I know what caused it (milk got into diet) and I'm OK with surviving through the consequences. But when something hits me and I have no idea whats causing it.....I feel hopeless. I say to myself, I need to see a doctor NOW, but its not serious enough to go to the ER, I just want to see one in an appt. I need to see him and show him the symptoms I am having NOW. But doctors don't see you NOW, they see you when they have an appointment open. By then, I feel better. I usually feel better the next day.

Despite feeling like I am going to die one day, and having myself so convinced that I promise to call the doctor the next day , the next day comes and I feel totally better and I think, "Well....I feel better now. I survived.  I helped myself all on my own. I don't need a silly doctor to help me." Despite feeling desperate for one the day before.

I am just so fed up with how our healthcare system.  I cant even beGIN to explain how frustrated I am with it all. I know something is really, really wrong me and its getting worse....but usually, you wouldn't know just by looking at me. And therefore, doctor's don't know. They have a hard time believing what they can't see. So they put you through endless testing, (sometimes more than once) to try and "see" whats wrong. If they can't figure it out- You are pegged with having Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

I spoke with an NP at the Nurse's convention that specialized in Celiac Disease. She had me convinced that a majority of all my symptoms somehow relate to Celiac Disease. I told her my GI doctor tested via endoscopy and denied it. However, sometimes it doesnt show up that way, especially since I had been on a gluten-free diet previously at the time. So she says I need to have a genetic test. Thats a sure-fire way of knowing if you have the gene or not.

*sigh*. Today is a bad day. But the doctors I want to see aren't open today, and I have so much work to do for the next week MONTH that I can't even envision having an hour to spend with a doctor anyway.

I just want a doctor to look at me, and understand. To believe me. To know what the flying duck they are doing.

*Frustrated*

~ A Writer in a (Frustrated) Nurse's Body

It's a Social Thing?

So I gave up restaurants for Lent. Specifically, chain restaurants.

I'm not normally a religious person. I used to feel guilty about this, but I have learned a lot more about the world now. I go to church for Christmas and Easter, but it's for making my family happy and celebrating our blessings together as a family.

I do believe in a higher power that kind of "knows whats going on" and I am one of those people that believes everything happens for a reason, even terrible terrible things and that if one door closes, a window or door or crack in the wall is opening at the same time. So when terrible things are happening, I try and just ride it out and wait....things can only be horrible for so long. And sometimes it just takes looking at it a different way. Or sometimes, you can't just wait for "things to happen" and you have to go out there and make a change yourself. So its a mixture, I guess. But the impetus that caused you to snap and "go out and make your own change"....was that your choice, or was that impetus placed so that you could make a change in your life? Did the chicken or the egg come first?

So thats my schpeel (sp?) on religion.

So, thinking about all that, I did Lent not-so-much just for religious reasons. I chose it because I wanted a challenge. My father and I were chatting right at the beginning of Lent, and he had mentioned briefly how someone he knew was giving up Facebook (Apparently a lot of people do this!). And I thought.....man, no way. That is really hard to do. I can't even imagine. There is no way I am at a point of maturity in my life where I can think about separating from Facebook right now. That is really, really hard.

So (I'm sorry I start every paragraph with "so") then I thought about it....what else in this world could I give up, that I love, that would be hard, yet do-able? Facebook I love, and would be hard, but not-doable. It would probably teach me a lot and be life-changing....but...no. Could I give up meat? No...what would I eat? I unfortunately rely on chicken a lot...especially at restaurants. Oh, wait- RESTAURANTS. I'm giving up restaurants, I thought. So then I narrowed it down to chain restaurants. Why? Well, It goes along with my feelings on how ridiculous this food industry is and how these large chains are getting unhealthier and unhealthier. So since I knew it would be hard to give up restaurants completely, I made it so that I could eat out if It were a non-chain, and preferably family-run, home-cooked style type food.

Well, I have slipped....twice so far. The first, was in NYC when I was with a friend and her family to see a Broadway show....we went over the span of dinner time and were out until really late. So even if I ate a huge lunch, I wouldn't make it til 1 am because I die quickly if I don't eat. So....What else am I supposed to do? So that day, I made another exception- I can eat out if I am travelling. So that allowed me to eat out when I recently attended my state nursing convention last night- we stayed overnight. So....I had to eat, and well- (we were in Atlantic City), that is not a city to be wandering around looking for a non-chain restaurant..even if we were with military personnel. SO that all worked out, AND I ended up finding a fantastic restaurant (See Yesterday's Post).

But......but now my first unavoidable difficulty arises. What happens when you get an invite to go out to eat with some really good friends, that you haven't seen in a long time because they all live out of town....and they will be in for one night...and they want to go out to eat....in your hometown....So technically, this doesn't apply to any of my already existing "exceptions". I could make another exception and say screw it- I can go out to eat when I'm with friends I haven't seen in forever....Or I could eat before hand, and just drink water with them at the restaurant. But then that rises weird suspicions that I am "Anorexic" or something now, (even though trust me- I do not look anorexic). So....that leaves me with.....nada.

What I'm going to do (to be polite) is to just eat with them. Even though its Lent, and you're really supposed to stick to what you say......or else...( I don't know what actually happens if you don't), sometimes its really hard not to.

I guess this reflects what I have known all along. I can deny eating out when its convenient. I can cook at home then. I can deny eating out with my family, because although they think I am insane, they understand. Because they have to. But social situations.......that's hard. Because what else is there to do in a small town, when friends want to get together and talk? Its like, automatic that you just go out to eat. I can't decide if this is a good thing or not. It certainly is promoting our obesity epidemic...and it isn't helping our sinking food industry. But it gives a place for friends to meet...laugh, talk, catch up, remind you of old times. We don't have anywhere else, in this town, or really- in this country- to do so. Unless you want to go bowling.

I haven't lost any weight from not eating out....which I thought I would...but it still helps a lot. It helps me feel better because it helps me stay away from Milk a lot better...and even if I haven't lost weight, it still is just a healthier lifestyle. Don't get me wrong, I love going out to eat. I really do. I have like...a problem with it. A food problem. I have noticed this in myself since my early teenage years. I associate working hard all day with friends, family or yourself to going out to eat together to celebrate working hard all day. I guess that's just how I've been raised. You work hard, you get to go out to eat. So I'm trying to break that association within myself. How about- you work hard, you get to come home and cook a delicious meal at home! Yeah? Yeah? YEah! Ok well, we'll work on that. So giving up restaurants isn't easy. They taste yummy, they are easy, you dont have to cook, clean, you can order anything you want...meet with friends. So, its not easy.

So...thoughts? Is it ok to make exceptions when it comes to Lent? I guess it's gonna have to be....I really want to continue this challenge even after Lent. I want to be a little more lenient after Lent, but I really want to really cut down on restaurants.


~A Writer in a Nurse's Body