TiMEr In Review

Hey all!

So for Christmas this past year, my parents were thoughtful enough to buy me a "Roku" player, which plays me instant stream of netflix and HuluPlus, primarily. This is excellent being that I miss a lot of primetime TV being on night shift, and now I can watch it on my TV like a normal person and not my phone or computer. Woo!

Point being, I have been streaming a LOT of independent movies from netflix. Recently, in Summer 2011, I discovered a local arts campus near me that plays independent movies, foreign films, documentaries, etc. Every movie I have seen there has been downright amazing, so amazing in fact, that I am appalled why it is not a bigger release. So naturally I have come to love independent movies.

I have seen a lot of them lately because of my need to make up for years of not even knowing this was its own genre. Some of these excellent titles include "Welcome to the Riley's", "Wristcutters:A love Story", "Ten Inch Heros", and "Listen to your Heart", just to name a few. The one I was most intrigued by was "TiMEr", starring Emma Caulfield and John Patrick Amedori.

Intriguing, yes? Yes.

So basically, the movie is set on the premise that if you, in this semi-futuristic placed society, choose to get one of these "Love timers", then you can take the guesswork out of love. No more questioning, "is this worth it?", "Did I marry the right person?", "My time is running out, should I give this relationship more time, or let it go now and give myself time to find someone better?". It ensures accuracy, certainty. Perfect matches. But is that a good thing? What do you think?

Would you get a timer? As for myself, I immediately instinctly thought, "absolutely not. I like to be able to think for myself. Choose for myself. Getting a Timer is no different from joining EHarmony."  But then I thought about it. And thought about it some more. I talked about it even. And now I'm writing this blog, so obviously I thought about this unique striking concept a lot.

Lets first talk about the benefits. . .

• No more guesswork, no more unhappiness waiting for a dead relationship to change.
• No more wasting time. Months, years, spent in relationships that go no where.
• Gives you time to put love aside and that's OK. Follow me here. Lets say you got a timer, and it says to you, that you have 4 years, 82 days and 16 minutes until you found your soul mate. If that was my timer, I'd be relieved! In four years I can happily finish my masters, start my doctorate, launch my novel, get published, launch my nursing career, etc. By the time I met "him", I'd be successful (hopefully). I'd be financially stable. I'd be emotionally stable. I'd be a lot more mature. I'd be 27.  But in real life, right now, in reality, I'm 23 right now. Yes, I'm young, but I'm getting old enough that each person I meet that is a potential boyfriend, I have to think- Is it worth pursuing further? Is this worth my time? No more fruitless dating. No more saying yes to a four year relationship right now if its not going to lead to something. Time is running out. Maybe it would be nice to have that all figured out for me.
• It would lower the divorce rate, in the long term. If people were soulmates, then why would they ever have to get divorced? However, the divorce rate would skyrocket in the short term when they first came out and people realized they weren't soulmates with their spouses.... not good. Or good? Hmm.

Negatives of the TImer:

• The guesswork in love is half the FUN!  The guesswork is the butterflies! Its the part that makes you smile at all hours of the day. Its the uncertainty that really makes you think about the person and then say, YES, he/she is the one! C'mon, if we all got timers, how is that any different than being matchmaked by a Yenta? Or retrograding our society back to a time where our parents traded our daughters off to suitors for money? And the young couple "learned to love each other"? How is that any different? 
• On that same note....In the movie, the main dilemma is that while this girl is waiting for her timer to go off, she falls in love with this other male. They are what you call typical, American, have-a-good-time love. But they have fights. They aren't perfect. They aren't perfect for each other, that we know for sure. But then she finds her soul mate,  a complete stranger that she has never met. So is she now just supposed to leap into strangers arms and run off into the sunset because a little machine says to? Who's to say whose love is more real, the timers choice or her own?
• I think the Timer would make for some awfully sad situations. Lets say two soul mates marry, and they know they are soul mates, because of this timer. But one dies. Now the widow knows she will never truly find another soul mate, never truly find love again, because her real soul mate died. Whereas the way I like to look at the world, is that if you lose love (through divorce, death, etc.), it is possible to fall in love again. Absolutely. You just have to let your heart heal. But its possible. But what if you knew you already had your one time chance? Then what?
•  Would you seriously want your timer to go off with a stranger, on a random day, and then.....awkwardness...You're just supposed to drop everything and start dating? What if you do "fall in love" (chemically), with this person, but you hate who the person actually is? You hate what they do, their habits, etc. Sometimes, the way it goes in real life, is we fall madly in love with people we hate. And we can't help it. And we hate our selves for it.
• As a dilemma also presented in the movie, is the problem that not everyone in any society can be forced to adapt to any one practice. Therefore, not everyone in the film has a timer device. This presents a problem, as it is pretty much pointless (according to them) to date someone without a timer, if you do have a timer, because your timer won't go off for them unless they have one too. So you're back to square one. If they have no timer, you have to guess. Back to guesswork. So maybe you'll move on. But what if your soul mate never gets a timer, and your "real" soul mate was that person you let go because they didn't have one?

Am I making any sense?  :-)



Basically, I honestly can't decide if I would get one or not. Maybe. Probably. But thats just because I'm 23. I wouldn't encourage a 12 year old to get one (this is featured in the movie). I firmly believe teenagers are supposed to date around. They shouldn't meet their soul mate that young. Its healthy to see what all the fishies are like before you find your own fish. But finding your soul mate in your 20s, after *unsuccessfully* dating a plethora of fish? I think I could see the reasoning behind that.



What do you guys think? I really wanna know your thoughts. ALSO, go see the movie! Its instant streamable on Netflix. :D


With love,


~A Writer in a Nurse's Body




PS- Should I make a separate page of reviewing all of these fantastic independents I see? Hmm...



.

Anxiety.

HI! Wow. Okay. So, I know I can't give this disclaimer every friggen time I post, but again, I am so sorry for not updating more often lately. Life has been.....really strange lately? My "me" time has been severely compromised. Its January 13th and I feel like I'm still waiting for the holidays to just simmer down. Is it terribly wrong that I am longing for a day, just one day, to just have to lie in bed and watch tv, read, draw, and eat all day? Not see anyone, not run any errands, not work, not solve any problems......?  And yet I can't ask for that. That, for me, is not healthy, and I've come to realize that. If I let myself do that, I don't come out of it. Once in bed doing nothing for the day, I never want to stop. Suddenly the simplest errand to run becomes a giant, monumental task that I come up with multiple reasons why I shouldn't do it. I make up lots and lots of reasons why I should stay in bed therefore and only get out to eat, sometimes.

So I have to have balance. And that is hard to find, especially on night shift. Because on top of it all, on a work day, on a off-day, on a normal day, on a not normal day, I'm tired. I'm tired when I slept all day to recover from the previous night shift. I'm constantly yawning. So I want to crawl into bed. The bed, all the sudden, becomes the number one priority and I just can't wait to crawl back in, day after day, always looking for the next opportunity that I can sleep and I'm allowed to sleep.

So, I have to figure something out, I guess. Each day, I try to accomplish a mission on my neverending to-do list. Something I've been procrastinating, putting off. Something I've been afraid to do or finish. Each one of these tasks that I accomplish, life gets a little better and I can sleep better, knowing that at least I accomplished something small that day. Anything.


I know that this lifestyle is worth it. That I'll get through it. That despite the above depressing three paragraphs, that I am in here and I am going to be OK. It's winter. I'm on night shift. I see the sun 5% of the time it is out. I am practically a vampire. I like to follow the delusion that I am reacting normally, and I'll be fine. I definitely don't plan to be on night shift for long. 

I know its worth it because I help people at work. I know I do. Its the hardest job I have ever done thus far, and who knows, maybe the hardest division of nursing. Floor nursing.


I am getting better every day. Every shift. I learn something new every day at work. I am slowly developing a bag of skills and tricks to use to make me a better nurse in the future. Other nurses have told me they forget that I'm new, and forget that they need to help me at times, because they think I'm good. And that is good, I guess, but it makes it hard. I like figuring things out, I like solving problems for patients. I like making ethical decisions. I can't wait to be a seasoned experienced nurse so that I can do all those things, except better. I try and solve problems now, and I do, but in 10, 20 years....I can exponentially solve those problems even better. I can't wait to have those extraordinary skills. That "nursing instinct". To know what is wrong with my patient without even them running a test. I want that.


I'm doing fabulously better with communication with doctors. Extraordinary. I never thought I'd say this, but the problem went from being 95% of a problem to nearly 5%. I learned pretty quickly that, 1) Doctors signed on to be called at the randomest of times when they took an oath be a doctor, that 2) if they don't want to be called, they'd have hospitalist/residents cover for them, and 3) in the heat of the moment, you don't have time to be nervous to call the doctor, you just have to call and 4) it is your JOB to at least call the doctor and make them aware.

So thats not a problem for me anymore.

What is my current problem? The simple, mundane task of starting an IV. I am not getting them. The one thing I thought I'd be good at, the one thing I thought I'd enjoy doing....I'm just not getting it. I'm not getting the best veins to go for in the first place. I see everyone as a "hard stick" unless they have bulging veins I could put a 18 G in. Its my number one thing I'm afraid of. I know this fear will go away by practicing. But practicing sucks for your victims. I hate hurting people. I hate having to stick people just so I can get practice, and then not getting the stick and having to send better nurses in.  But, I'm still only 3 months old. I'll get it. In time. Just have to....keep practicing.


Other than that, I just have to learn new things yet. I have to just wait for new experiences.

I'm still afraid to have my first Code, or even first CAT/ RRT call. I'm trying to avoid my first Code BY calling the CAT/RRT before the Code. I try to do my best by remembering everything about my patient all the time so that in the unfortunate a code or CAT/RRT call happens, I can tell the team everything they need to know....but I'm still pretty scared.

The worst part of it all is the anxiety. The insomnia. Every time i do try and sleep, my entire shift replays in my head. Did I cross my T's and dot my I's? Did I remember to waste all the drugs in the machine. Did I remember to chart about everything I did? These thoughts race through my head. My entire shift gets repeated, constantly, in my head, just waiting for a mistake for me to realize I did, so that I don't get any sleep. I hope that 1) this is normal for new nurses and 2) this will go away soon....its exhausting and definitely not contributing to restful sleep.


Well, I work tonight. Every shift I have to make myself a better nurse, somehow. I remember always having a back up plan in school, like- "If I don't pass this test, or if I fail out of the program, what am I going to major in next? What will I do?"  Well I passed school, I graduated, I got a job now. Obviously. But the confidence still isn't there. I'm still constantly conjuring up a back up plan. Is that detrimental to my career? I'm constantly thinking, "If I get sued so bad I can't practice anymore, or If I got fired, or If I got laid off, or lost my license, what would I do with my life? Would I be able to move on? To do something else? To maybe follow my real dream, art?" I think these thoughts are detrimental.



But anyway. Time to get some shut-eye before tonights shift. Sorry, depressing post. But it helped, a lot. Got a lot of my current anxious thoughts out of my head. Look forward soon to a happy post. With photography. And artwork. And a movie review! Coming up! :-)


With love,


~WNB


PS- Don't worry about me, I'll be alright. I promise :-)


.

The Alarm Battle

Every single morning/night (depending on night shift):

I'm not tired.
I'm not tired.
I'm not tired.
I'm not tired.
Lets check facebook. Okay. Facebook checked.
I'm not tired.
I'm not tired.
I'm not tired.
IM SO WIDE AWAKE WHY.
I'm not tired.
hmm.
Lets turn to the other side.
No.
Too hot.
Back to the other side.
Toss.
 Turn.
Im not tired.
I''''mmmmm nooooooooooot  tirrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeddddddddd.
I'm hungry.
I'm not tired.
Is it too early to get up?  yes. No getting up. Go back to sleep.
Sleeeeeep. Just close eyes.
KEEP THEM CLOSED!
Stop checking facebook. No, nothing new has been posted.
Close your eyes again. Keep them closed.
Think About sheep. Think about anything.
I'm not tired.
I'm not tired.
I'm not tired.
.



*alarm goes off*



OH.MY.GOD.
I. AM.SO. FRIGGEN. TIRED.
OHMIGOD.
WHY DO I HAVE TO GET UP.
MY BED IS SO COMFY,
AND I AM SO TIRED.
SOOOOOO TIRED.
YAWN.
LOOK AT ALL THIS YAWNING.
ITS BECAUSE IM EXHAUSTED.
I REFUSE TO GET UP.
I MUST PRESS SNOOZE APPROX 5 MORE TIMES.
BECAUSE I AM TIRED.  SO SLEEPY.
I COULD LITERALLY FALL ASLEEP ANY MINUTE RIGHT NOW.




sigh. This is my life.



~WNB

.

2012 New Year Resolutions

So, as annually expected, yesterdays post was about how I did with last years resolutions. This post is about changing for next year, new resolutions!  I have more this year, but a lot more short, sweet and too the point. I think. I hope. For your sake...


Anyway,

1) Have at LEAST half of my book #1 completely written by 2013. Part of me wants to say write the whole book by 2013, but....I'd rather be proud of myself for accomplishing a resolution than to not because I set the standard too high. So, yeah. Half the book. I think this is definitely possible.

2) I need to learn how to go with the flow....I'm 23, I have to stop trying to PLAN everything. Stop trying to overanalyze everything and just......be. Just do. Accept new challenges. Accept new people in my life. Do new things. Play new sports.

3) I want to really focus this year on becoming a much better nurse. I want to do a lot of research on my practice, and really better myself in unique abilities. My hospital is offering the position of a "wound care champion" that I might look into. It would be nice to be exceptionally good at at least one thing among the amazing nurses I work with.

4) Along with number 3, in general (in nursing and in life), I need to learn to be more confident in my abilities. In my self. In my knowledge. In my instincts. This is really hard. I need to trust myself.

5) I need to learn how to COOK! Not just any cooking, but I need to learn how to cook in general and cook for lactose intolerance specifically. So, I really need to get on this because right now my food groups consist of: Rice, beans, chicken, chinese food, fish & chips, vegetables, chicken tenders, fries, and smoothies. So, More variety needed? Yess.

6) I need to learn how to love again. But at the same time, I need to learn how to just be ok with me. I need to get to know myself better before I let myself attach to anyone else at this point. I feel like right now, when I "attach" to someone, or see someone, they are dating an empty vessel of a girl that needs to figure out a lot right now. I am in here, I promise. Just need to work on my firewall right now, let people in. Its a new year. New beginnings. Let our endings go. Forever, and ever, and hit the ground runnin! Woo.


7) I already am doing this, but I want to draw a LOT more. I already have drawn so much since school let out and I love it. I also want to do more with my photography this year. Like sell it. Big time. :-) On that note, look for a photography post sooN! I am WAY overdue!


Thats it. Short and sweet.


Have a good new year, ya'll! With love,


~WNB